I don't know how to deal with his sudden change!

[Sofia]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

OK, but he may not want to "commit" to you.
Being monogamous, you still want him to hang around with you, even if he sees other people.
He may be more of the "Great while it lasted, see ya..."  type.

The fact that im monogamous is something I chose, and I don't expect people to just fell onto that life choice because I want one partner and one only. I don't expect anything from him; he can do whatever he wants.

On the other hand, though, when I'll start feeling like this whole thing is not working for me anymore, I'd say it and end it. Im not trying to control nor change him; I just wanted to understand what he potentially thinks because he doesn't open up anymore. If all this doesn't work for him, he is free to continue his life exactly how he wants.

[Sun Seeker]

You both agreed it would be just fun, and you state if you got too attached you would end things.

Quite clearly you are getting too attached or you would not have made this thread, so why have you not just ended things?

And your thinking about exes is way off, and comes across pretty selfish. It's not all about you. It's about respecting your partner (in general, not this particular guy). No guy is going to be happy with an ex lurking around as there's no reason for it.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Sofia said:

The fact that im monogamous is something I chose, and I don't expect people to just fell onto that life choice because I want one partner and one only. I don't expect anything from him; he can do whatever he wants.

On the other hand, though, when I'll start feeling like this whole thing is not working for me anymore, I'd say it and end it. Im not trying to control nor change him; I just wanted to understand what he potentially thinks because he doesn't open up anymore. If all this doesn't work for him, he is free to continue his life exactly how he wants.

This sounds pretty simple. He’s just not that into you. He might have found you a lot of work. Why even mention your ex and picking things up. Just say that you’re busy and will catch up later. This is just TMI. 

My take is you’re still fresh out of the last relationship at six months ago and your ex only now making the effort to pick up things. Having an ex you’re still chatting with and valuing feedback from isn’t realistic if you’re thinking of dating again.

You yourself mentioned you got on the dating app one night on a whim and didn’t expect anything of it. It was a random act and no real intention to date anyone. I think this situation sums it all up. All of it is quite random and unintentional and you haven’t put much thought into meeting someone you might be compatible with. 

This guy isn’t for you and this was bound to happen. You would go your separate ways. It just turned out that it happened much faster than you thought.

[Alpacalia]

Agree with others.

Both of you wanted a casual relationship.

You appear to have changed your mind somewhere in the process, though.

"Monogamy" isn't his thing.

If that doesn't work for you anymore, it's better to just move on. 

If you still value your ex boyfriend in your life and want to spend time with him, understand that few relationship-minded men will be on board. Let alone men who are just looking for a little fun.

[Sofia]

23 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

You both agreed it would be just fun, and your state if you got too attached, you would end things.

You are obviously getting too attached, or you would not have made this thread, so why have you not just ended things?

And your thinking about exes is way off and comes across as pretty selfish. It's not all about you. It's about respecting your partner (in general, not this particular guy). No guy will be happy with an ex lurking around as there's no reason for it.

It I liked him. I never said I didn't but attached?! I don't think I am. I know myself, and if I was hooked, then the whole sleeping with other people would have bothered me, and I couldn't fathom the idea of him sleeping with other women. The reason I made this post is that I don't know how to deal with his change because I don't want to open an awkward discussion. 

As for the ex thing, sorry, but it's all about myself because it's my life, and I don't own to anyone anything. Being in a relationship for me means that I don't have to change who I am; the person who chooses to be with me accepts me, respects me and we build upon that. I'd never ask anyone to change for me, so I can be happy and not feel insecure or threatened. If I feel that way then Those are thingS that I should work with myself and not project them to other people. I don't disrespect anyone by maintaining a friendship with someone essential in my life. And I think the fact that im open with it and don't hide it means that I don't want to lie or deceive anyone.

[Sun Seeker]

1 minute ago, Sofia said:

It I liked him. I never said I didn't but attached?! I don't think I am. I know myself, and if I was hooked, then the whole sleeping with other people would have bothered me, and I couldn't fathom the idea of him sleeping with other women. The reason I made this post is that I don't know how to deal with his change because I don't want to open an awkward discussion. 

As for the ex thing, sorry, but it's all about myself because it's my life, and I don't own to anyone anything. Being in a relationship for me means that I don't have to change who I am; the person who chooses to be with me accepts me, respects me and we build upon that. I'd never ask anyone to change for me, so I can be happy and not feel insecure or threatened. If I feel that way then Those are thingS that I should work with myself and not project them to other people. I don't disrespect anyone by maintaining a friendship with someone essential in my life. And I think the fact that im open with it and don't hide it means that I don't want to lie or deceive anyone.

What awkward discussion? If you are both seeing/sleeping with each other in a casual sense with no expectation, then why would any discussion be awkward? Surely it's the opposite, you can bring up and talk about anything as it makes no difference to your agreement of keeping things casual.

And good luck finding someone who will accept you being such close friends with your ex, I think you will end up being alone for a long time. You must be very inexperienced in dating? That's just not how it works. It's not about changing yourself, it's about compromising by taking the other person's feelings into account, not just your own. A relationship is not 'all about you', it's about two people. Something you don't seem to be able to understand. 

[Sofia]

35 minutes ago, glows said:

This sounds pretty simple. He’s just not that into you. He might have found you a lot of work. Why even mention your ex and picking things up. Just say that you’re busy and will catch up later. This is just TMI. 

My take is you’re still fresh out of the last relationship at six months ago and your ex only now making the effort to pick up things. Having an ex you’re still chatting with and valuing feedback from isn’t realistic if you’re thinking of dating again.

You yourself mentioned you got on the dating app one night on a whim and didn’t expect anything of it. It was a random act, and I had no real intention to date anyone. I think this situation sums it all up. All of it is pretty random and unintentional, and you haven’t put much thought into meeting someone you might be compatible with. 

This guy isn’t for you, and this was bound to happen. You would go your separate ways. It just turned out that it happened much faster than you thought.

It might be TMI for some people, but its who im always brutally honest about everything. It's how I like things, and I find that in the long run, I can only benefit from that.

Im officially single for 6months, but I don't think that is the relevant cause; yes, I am not looking for a new relationship anytime soon. I like the "deal" we have with this guy; it's nothing serious, just something casual, but at the same time we can also talk about things (at least before that inscident), so im perfectly happy with our "relationship". What im not happy about its not knowing what potentially bothered him, to know how to deal with it, if I can. 

The fact that he might lost interest is a valid point, though, which might be the case. And yes, all those kinds of relationships have an expiration date, so yeah, ours might have come. 

[Sofia]

5 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

What awkward discussion? If you are both seeing/sleeping with each other in a casual sense with no expectation, then why would any discussion be awkward? Surely it's the opposite, you can bring up and talk about anything as it makes no difference to your agreement of keeping things casual.

And good luck finding someone who will accept you being such close friends with your ex, I think you will end up being alone for a long time. You must be very inexperienced in dating? That's just not how it works. It's not about changing yourself, it's about compromising by taking the other person's feelings into account, not just your own. A relationship is not 'all about you', it's about two people. Something you don't seem to be able to understand. 

Wow, you seem offended.

The thing is that it doesn't actually bother me if I am single or not. I don't need validation from other people in order to feel that I matter, so it's all good if some guys don't accept that I have my ex in my life. 

Relationship are between two people for sure, but two people who chose each other. I never lied to anyone, if this whole thing is a big hard pass for them I am not going to stop them if they want to leave. It's all about choices and unless someone won't respect mine the, I won't respect his. I

[Alpacalia]

If I may add my two cents, I don't believe you should be making all of these concessions with someone who is just casual.

I'm just saying, not many men will be enthusiastic about it (the ex boyfriend).

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, Sofia said:

We both did in a way. I insisted on the one thing, though; I told him that I didn't want to get attached when he won't commit, and if I feel at any point that im getting to attached, I'll end it.

He knows that I have an ex who im very close to and consider him like family. We discussed the circumstances under which I broke up with him, but all of this started after he told me about the only actual girlfriend he ever had. I wouldn't have mentioned any of these if the discussion didn't lead to that.

Saying that is hollow.   It’s a tit-fir-tat thing.

 

a guy is going to say something like that so he won’t come off as needy or want her to chase him.  It doesn’t actually mean he didn’t want a relationship.

 

there is a big difference in being friendly with an ex such as you have the same group of friends.  He saw your messages..correct?  Likely seemed like something more or you aren’t over your ex.

 

I had it happen to me.  Someone I dated gave me the impression an ex was the past but it wasn’t.  I’m not dealing with that.

[Sofia]

33 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

 

 I am not sure if I am explaining it properly. I never said that I had feelings for him; I only said that I liked him. There is a huge difference, at least for me. 

Also I never said that the fact that he sleeps with other people bothers me. I only said that even if I wanted something more at some point, I know he is not the person for me. 

I value my ex cause I've been with him for 8 years! I know he values me as well and loves me, not romantically thought. I don't even know why would anyone be bothered by my ex when they are not serious about someone? (Im not seeing he is, it's just a rhetorical question) 

Also another reason I decided to make this post: Why everyone directs the problem to my ex and me, when the person who this post is about is sleeping with other women?! I don't sleep with my ex. In fact I don't sleep with anyone else other than him, so I don't see the point here (and no it's not because I developed feelings or anything. It's because it's not my style and neither do I have the time to find multiple sexual partners). 

I feel that you are projecting a problem that is not relevant in this case, because in my book unless you care about some you don't get threaten by anyone else in their lives, unless you have double standars. And I don't want to think that this how  some of you view the situation, that is okay for him to sleep with whoever he wants because it's justified, but when you hear I have an ex that I'm just friends with I'm the one at fault here. 

I never said that I want more from him, just that I want an opinion as to what he may thinks. And he knew about my ex before that incident. He knew because he first told about his only ex and that's when I told him, and he was amazed with how maturely people can deal with break ups.  But the only thing is that when he said that he knew only the background, and that day he came across the reality of what this means, and I get it he most likely he didn't like that. 

As for all the relationship advices thank you all, but I never asked help in that matter. I hear all your opinions but let have different view and beliefs. I know there are people who wouldn't have a problem with my friendship with my ex. Also if I'm entirely honest I don't care about the people who have a problem with that, I'm sure that even if I stopped having a friendship with my ex, they would find another think to complain afterwards, it's usually how this works. 

Sorry it this so defensive but I feel like we are missing the point here, which not my relationship with my ex. It's what may have bothered Nick, and how can I deal with himlockquote widget

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Sofia said:

 I am not sure if I am explaining it properly. I never said that I had feelings for him; I only said that I liked him. There is a huge difference, at least for me. 

Also I never said that the fact that he sleeps with other people bothers me. I only said that even if I wanted something more at some point, I know he is not the person for me. 

I value my ex cause I've been with him for 8 years! I know he values me as well and loves me, not romantically thought. I don't even know why would anyone be bothered by my ex when they are not serious about someone? (Im not seeing he is, it's just a rhetorical question) 

Also another reason I decided to make this post: Why everyone directs the problem to my ex and me, when the person who this post is about is sleeping with other women?! I don't sleep with my ex. In fact I don't sleep with anyone else other than him, so I don't see the point here (and no it's not because I developed feelings or anything. It's because it's not my style and neither do I have the time to find multiple sexual partners). 

I feel that you are projecting a problem that is not relevant in this case, because in my book unless you care about some you don't get threaten by anyone else in their lives, unless you have double standars. And I don't want to think that this how  some of you view the situation, that is okay for him to sleep with whoever he wants because it's justified, but when you hear I have an ex that I'm just friends with I'm the one at fault here. 

I never said that I want more from him, just that I want an opinion as to what he may thinks. And he knew about my ex before that incident. He knew because he first told about his only ex and that's when I told him, and he was amazed with how maturely people can deal with break ups.  But the only thing is that when he said that he knew only the background, and that day he came across the reality of what this means, and I get it he most likely he didn't like that. 

As for all the relationship advices thank you all, but I never asked help in that matter. I hear all your opinions but let have different view and beliefs. I know there are people who wouldn't have a problem with my friendship with my ex. Also if I'm entirely honest I don't care about the people who have a problem with that, I'm sure that even if I stopped having a friendship with my ex, they would find another think to complain afterwards, it's usually how this works. 

Sorry it this so defensive but I feel like we are missing the point here, which not my relationship with my ex. It's what may have bothered Nick, and how can I deal with himlockquote widget

I am not pointing the finger at you.

In any event, just a guess, but it sounds to me like "Nick" was bothered by your ex not because he has "deeper" feelings for you.

If there's anything I've learned, it's that men decide what they want. It's up to you how much you're willing to give.

[Sofia]

10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Saying that is hollow.   It’s a tit-fir-tat thing.

 

a guy is going to say something like that so he won’t come off as needy or want her to chase him.  It doesn’t actually mean he didn’t want a relationship.

 

there is a big difference in being friendly with an ex such as you have the same group of friends.  He saw your messages..correct?  Likely seemed like something more or you aren’t over your ex.

 

I had it happen to me.  Someone I dated gave me the impression an ex was the past but it wasn’t.  I’m not dealing with that.

That's his problem if he is not honest not mine. I don't care how he wants to be perceived in order to feel okay. When someone I telling me something I'm taking as a fact and the truth. If he is not honest with what he wants then he will have to deal with it as well. 

 I know some people have trust issues and I get that it took lots of years a d therapy to get rid of them, but I cant deal with others people's feelings. The best thing I can do is tell them that whatver they hear from is the truth and that's all I can do. If they want to believe lays with them. 

As for my relationship with my ex it ended in a very civil environment with no hard feelings, and it was a mutual decision 

[Sofia]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I am not pointing the finger at you.

In any event, just a guess, but it sounds to me like "Nick" was bothered by your ex not because he has "deeper" feelings for you.

If there's anything I've learned, it's that men decide what they want. It's up to you how much you're willing to give.

Sorry for the rant I aim it as in individual post rather than a quote response. 

You're right though. I guess some men want something else for themselves but the women they are involved with do not have the same privileges. 

[elaine567]

You don't "deal" with him. He is not your bf.

You had a casual, non exclusive relationship and he has now introduced distance for some reason.
Yes it may be your ex  or the way you dismissed him when he tried to call you, or he maybe was just calling you to end it...
Who knows? BUT casual is casual and each can essentially do what they want. 
If you want men to care for you and act responsible and treat you nice then do not throw the word "casual" into the equation.

[Sofia]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You don't "deal" with him. He is not your bf.

You had a casual, non exclusive relationship and he has now introduced distance for some reason.
Yes it may be your ex  or the way you dismissed him when he tried to call you, or he maybe was just calling you to end it...
Who knows? BUT casual is casual and each can essentially do what they want. 
If you want men to care for you and act responsible and treat you nice then do not throw the word "casual" into the equation.

I was in agreement with everything you said up until your last sentence.

Sorry but I can't be bothered to respond to that. Yeah sure, let's leave man to treat us like trash because we are with them casually! 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sofia said:

I just wanted to understand what he potentially thinks because he doesn't open up anymore. 

He did open up. After your announcement about your ex hanging around, he replied that he had random sex with someone.

So he doesn't have to say much more than that.

Besides if it's a casual take it or leave it situation, why analyze what he may think?

 As you mentioned, if they don't  embrace your ex being in the picture as your best friend/"like family" they can take a hike.

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, Sofia said:

Nick doesn't believe in monogamous relationships, neither in marriage, while I'm the opposite.

Hello Sofia, just caught up with this thread, more specifically your original post. 

The above quote is interesting.  He doesn't believe in monogamy, your relationship is casual, but yet he's tossing you sarcastic barbs re your ex, and has since distanced himself upon learning you're still friends with him?

Your relationship is casual, he doesn't believe in monogamy, he's having one night stands (or so he told you) so it shouldn't matter to him who you're friends with.

Simply solution, talk to him directly, honestly and openly.  Call him on his sarcasm and why he's distanced himself.   Not in an accusatory way, more that you're confused by it.

I agree with you, it's about trust.  I know couples who are madly in love but still friends with an ex. 

My ex boyfriend was still friends with his ex and for awhile I maintained a friendship with one of my ex's. 

Anyway here your relationship is casual, but yet it appears he is bothered by it which is confusing since HE is dating, having sex with others and doesn't believe in monogamy. 

I totally understand your confusion and agree with you, he's not being entirely honest. 

So have a conversation. 

If you're comfortable enough to have sex with him, you should feel comfortable enough to have a direct and open conversation with him.

 

 

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[spiderowl]

The problem is that whatever people say upfront, unconscious factors play a part.  You want something casual for the moment but actually you want something happy and secure, not particularly casual.  He wants something casual - and may well do - but he doesn't want anyone else on the scene (ex boyfriends) and most of all he doesn't want you to put him off temporarily while you are busy with ex boyfriend.

I agree with you that you should be able to remain friends with an ex.  However, it is best not to push that in a future boyfriend/lover's face.  They need the security of knowing they are your priority not your ex.  I don't think you've done anything wrong.

The casual guy, Nick, is probably feeling put out.  You weren't available when he wanted you to be.  He is probably wondering if you are really interested in him or not.  He should not be sarcastic.  I would just keep up contact with him as normal and not see it as a problem in communication until it really proves to be.

I would question whether casual will suit you. It is clear you value integrity, honesty and relationships.  I think you would find a casual relationship with someone you like emotionally disappointing and hurtful unless he was open to it becoming more further along the line.

Also, this is a guy who is having regular casual sex.  You need to make sure you are protected from STIs.

Edited January 23, 2022 by spiderowl

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Sofia said:

Sorry for the rant I aim it as in individual post rather than a quote response. 

You're right though. I guess some men want something else for themselves but the women they are involved with do not have the same privileges. 

It's fine.

That's why we're here, right?

I'm not sure what you mean with your last comment.

Do you mean that you feel as though you do not have a say in the matter?

 

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, Sofia said:

That's his problem if he is not honest not mine. I don't care how he wants to be perceived in order to feel okay. When someone I telling me something I'm taking as a fact and the truth. If he is not honest with what he wants then he will have to deal with it as well. 

 I know some people have trust issues and I get that it took lots of years a d therapy to get rid of them, but I cant deal with others people's feelings. The best thing I can do is tell them that whatver they hear from is the truth and that's all I can do. If they want to believe lays with them. 

As for my relationship with my ex it ended in a very civil environment with no hard feelings, and it was a mutual decision 

Here is the thing….many times with women it’s a dammed if you do/ don’t thing.

 

if a guy says he wants something serious it scares her off usually.  If they say they are just looking to get laid it also turns her of…so they say what he said even if it wasn’t how he really felt.

 

it’s not a trust issue…it’s are you ready to date issue.  Remember most are talking to others at the same time. And as it progresses they decide to choose one.  He might have had someone else and was like I’m not dealing with this drama/ baggage…especially if it came sbout in a past relationship.

 

evrn though you ended mutually ( assuming that’s your version.. he might get back with you if the chance arises) .  If he saw your texts/ conversations he coukd have read something else in it that you might not realize.

 

 

[smackie9]

You are sure trying hard to convince yourself you are OK/satisfied that he wants nothing serious, fun. You LIKE him more than you should...he's looking like what you want in your romantic eyes. IMO he's a player, BUT he also has a bit of an ego...he wants the ladies to have all their focus all on him. Just because he got a little jealous doesn't mean he cares about you/really likes you/has deeper feeling for you...this is what you might read out of this type of behavior because you want more...but honestly you are fooling yourself. This guy is gonna be trouble for you emotionally. You are playing with fire.