Sofia Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 (edited) I met this guy via a dating app. I don't usually use dating apps, but one night, I felt bored and wanted to spend some time before going to bed. I never expected must from those apps, so I was having fun with the guys I was talking to; one of them was Nick. We immediately hit it off, and there was a connection between us. We have set up some boundaries from the start, saying that it was just fun and nothing more. Nick doesn't believe in monogamous relationships, neither in marriage, while I'm the opposite. I'm very romantic deep down, and although I am all for having just fun with guys, I am always open with what I want if I want something more. A few days ago, Nick tried to call me, but I didn't answer him as my ex came to my apartment to peek up some of his remaining stuff. I immediately texted Nick to let him know of the situation, saying I'd call him later. That day though, I was swamped, so I let him know and said that it would be best if you spoke the next day again. After that day, he became distant, his responses were maximum of 3-4 words, and today he told me he had a nightstand with a random girl, to which I was perfectly okay as we never said anything about being exclusive or anything. It might be just in my head, but I can't help but think he is not entirely honest with me about how he sees me. He didn't like that my ex was in my house and completely misunderstood it, but he never actually said anything. He just messaged me a sarcastic text the next day, saying that he hoped everything was alright. I would be lying if I said that I don't like him, but I know we can't have more than what we already have. The romantic side in me wants more out of all these, but I am aware that this is just potentially romanticising this whole situation. I'm confused because I don't know how to deal with him. Edited January 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and moved to the Dating forum
Wiseman2 Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 1 hour ago, Sofia said: my ex came to my apartment to peek up some of his remaining stuff. I immediately texted Nick to let him know of the situation, saying I'd call him later., he became distant, his responses were maximum of 3-4 words. Have you met in person? He may have been put off that your still tangled up with your ex. Even if he wants casual, he doesn't want a mess. Take some breathing room.
Author Sofia Posted January 22, 2022 Author Posted January 22, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sofia said: I met this guy via a dating app. I don't usually use dating apps, but one night, I felt bored and wanted to spend some time before going to bed. I never expected must from those apps, so I was having fun with the guys I was talking to; one of them was Nick. We immediately hit it off, and there was a connection between us. We have set up some boundaries from the start, saying that it was just fun and nothing more. Nick doesn't believe in monogamous relationships, neither in marriage, while I'm the opposite. I'm very romantic deep down, and although I am all for having just fun with guys, I am always open with what I want if I want something more. A few days ago, Nick tried to call me, but I didn't answer him as my ex came to my apartment to peek up some of his remaining stuff. I immediately texted Nick to let him know of the situation, saying I'd call him later. That day though, I was swamped, so I let him know and said that it would be best if you spoke the next day again. After that day, he became distant, his responses were maximum of 3-4 words, and today he told me he had a nightstand with a random girl, to which I was perfectly okay as we never said anything about being exclusive or anything. It might be just in my head, but I can't help but think he is not entirely honest with me about how he sees me. He didn't like that my ex was in my house and completely misunderstood it, but he never actually said anything. He just messaged me a sarcastic text the next day, saying that he hoped everything was alright. I would be lying if I said that I don't like him, but I know we can't have more than what we already have. The romantic side wants more out of all these, but I am aware that this is potentially romanticising this situation. I'm confused because I don't know how to deal with him. Sorry, I haven't included that on the storytime; you've met. Edited January 22, 2022 by Sofia
Author Sofia Posted January 22, 2022 Author Posted January 22, 2022 30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you met in person? He may have been put off that your still tangled up with your ex. Even if he wants casual, he doesn't want a mess. Take some breathing room. Sorry, you are right. I haven't included that on the storytime; yes, you've met. I can't understand this; it's not like my ex interferes with my life. However, I see your point. The thing is that I'm open to discussing anything, and he knows that. He knows I value honesty, and I'll respond to everything he wants to know, and in case I don't want to answer something, I'll just say that I don't like to discuss this. That was the deal from the start. I guess I want him to be open if there is an issue and not assume things, but I can't expect people to act the way I want. I suppose you are right; he most likely sees this as baggage, and he doesn't want to deal with it. I most likely read too much in it. Thank you for your advice. 1
stillafool Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 So have you guys actually went out on a date or just met and text? 1 hour ago, Sofia said: The thing is that I'm open to discussing anything, and he knows that. He knows I value honesty, and I'll respond to everything he wants to know, and in case I don't want to answer something, I'll just say that I don't like to discuss this. I think you should tell him this^^^.
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 3 hours ago, Sofia said: We have set up some boundaries from the start, saying that it was just fun and nothing more. Nick doesn't believe in monogamous relationships, neither in marriage, while I'm the opposite. How exactly is this going to work for you? 1
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 1 hour ago, Sofia said: The thing is that I'm open to discussing anything, and he knows that. He knows I value honesty, and I'll respond to everything he wants to know, and in case I don't want to answer something, I'll just say that I don't like to discuss this. That was the deal from the start. I guess I want him to be open if there is an issue and not assume things This seems like a lot to ask of a guy you are just hooking up with - How long have you been meeting the guy?
Ami1uwant Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 1 hour ago, Sofia said: Sorry, you are right. I haven't included that on the storytime; yes, you've met. I can't understand this; it's not like my ex interferes with my life. However, I see your point. The thing is that I'm open to discussing anything, and he knows that. He knows I value honesty, and I'll respond to everything he wants to know, and in case I don't want to answer something, I'll just say that I don't like to discuss this. That was the deal from the start. I guess I want him to be open if there is an issue and not assume things, but I can't expect people to act the way I want. I suppose you are right; he most likely sees this as baggage, and he doesn't want to deal with it. I most likely read too much in it. Thank you for your advice. uou are still dealing with an ex.him coming to get things says things recently ended so it asks the question are you even ready to date. sure people can take things casual a FPS see where it goes…at the same time…they aren’t going to bother with something that won’t go anywhere.
Author Sofia Posted January 22, 2022 Author Posted January 22, 2022 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: This seems like a lot to ask of a guy you are just hooking up with - How long have you been meeting the guy? About two months or so. We were pretty open from the start about what we wanted, and I was clear about this. It was one of the first things that I told him that even if it's just sex, I don't like hide and seek, and I want people to be straightforward with what they want, and he did that until that incident.
Author Sofia Posted January 22, 2022 Author Posted January 22, 2022 55 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: uou are still dealing with an ex.him coming to get things says things recently ended so it asks the question are you even ready to date. sure, people can take things casually, and FPS see where it goes…at the same time…they aren’t going to bother with something that won’t go anywhere. I've been separated from my ex for the past 6months, but for some personal issues he had, he couldn't come and get his stuff sooner. Besides, I'm friends with some of my ex, why that should be a problem?! Also, neither of us is looking for something more, so I don't think he wants to get somewhere with us. He doesn't do monogamous relationships, and I can't be in a relationship with someone like that, so there is no future for as other than friends with benefits.
Author Sofia Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: How exactly is this going to work for you 1 hour ago, stillafool said: So have you guys actually gone out on a date or just met and texted? I think you should tell him this^^^. We started texting each other, then when out and from that point and on we have a kinda of friends with benefits thing. I don't think it can manifest into something more as he doesn't do monogamy, and for me, that is a red line in order to invest into serious dating or relationship. Besides, I don't want to change him; I'm content with how things are so far. Thats what I was thinking as well. It's best if we are open about this so he can explain what bothered him if, indeed, something bothered him.
Ami1uwant Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 3 hours ago, Sofia said: I've been separated from my ex for the past 6months, but for some personal issues he had, he couldn't come and get his stuff sooner. Besides, I'm friends with some of my ex, why that should be a problem?! Also, neither of us is looking for something more, so I don't think he wants to get somewhere with us. He doesn't do monogamous relationships, and I can't be in a relationship with someone like that, so there is no future for as other than friends with benefits. Who defined the ground rules here…you or him? have you talked about this ex before in any detail?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 If you're creating threads about a guy, you're invested more than you're telling yourself. You say you don't want to date someone like him, but it is apparent you're already starting to get attached or you wouldn't care much about this current issue. My impression is that if you get very honest with yourself, you would like more with him but tell yourself you don't so that his aloof behaviour doesn't hurt you as much. 2
vla1120 Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 7 hours ago, Sofia said: I've been separated from my ex for the past 6months, but for some personal issues he had, he couldn't come and get his stuff sooner. Besides, I'm friends with some of my ex, why that should be a problem?! Also, neither of us is looking for something more, so I don't think he wants to get somewhere with us. He doesn't do monogamous relationships, and I can't be in a relationship with someone like that, so there is no future for as other than friends with benefits. It might not be a problem for you, but any future relationship partners may not feel the same way. Even though he has no interest in monogamy, he might not want the same for the women he sees. It wouldn't be the first time a partner had different rules for himself than for his partner(s). While it is very good that you are honest and forthcoming, maybe it would be better if you do not tell a potential partner when an ex shows up at your apartment in case they misinterpret your ex's reason for the visit?
Author Sofia Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: Who defined the ground rules here…you or him? Have you talked about this ex before in any detail? We both did in a way. I insisted on the one thing, though; I told him that I didn't want to get attached when he won't commit, and if I feel at any point that im getting to attached, I'll end it. He knows that I have an ex who im very close to and consider him like family. We discussed the circumstances under which I broke up with him, but all of this started after he told me about the only actual girlfriend he ever had. I wouldn't have mentioned any of these if the discussion didn't lead to that.
Author Sofia Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: If you're creating threads about a guy, you're invested more than you're telling yourself. You say you don't want to date someone like him, but it is apparent you're already starting to get attached, or you wouldn't care much about this current issue. My impression is that if you get very honest with yourself, you would like more with him but tell yourself you don't think so that his aloof behaviour doesn't hurt you as much. Im fully aware of that, that's why I was open and told him I don't go casual, and if I become attached to him, I will end it. I like spending time with him. He is fun and has some common interests, so talking with him is lovely. His behaviour is bothering me because he suddenly changed, and im not sure how to deal with him. So far, we have been honest with everything, which I liked about it. I'm a person that's very open with what I want, and I'm always in touch with my feeling and honestly express them, and I was doing the same before all this, so know that he is not doing that I am confused.
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 17 minutes ago, Sofia said: He knows that I have an ex who im very close to and consider him like family. Sorry this is happening. But any guy you tell this to is going to run even if you claim you're ok with just hooking up. It may be best to close this chapter with your ex rather than be best friends.
elaine567 Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: He may have been put off that your still tangled up with your ex. Even if he wants casual, he doesn't want a mess ^^^ this. Also many non-monogamous guys want the woman they are sleeping with to be only sleeping with them. No sloppy seconds... Your ex in the picture maybe turned him off. In fact few men will like an ex hanging around who is considered family. He may have realised you are getting attached and has thus introduced distance as that is not what he wants Of course as he is a free spirit he may just have found someone else, or got bored of you, or simply thought time to move on. 1 1
Author Sofia Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 3 hours ago, vla1120 said: It might t be a problem for you, but future relationship partners may not feel the same way. Even though he has no interest in monogamy, he might not want the same for the women he sees. It wouldn't be the first time a partner had different rules for himself than for his partner(s). While it is very good that you are honest and forthcoming, maybe it would be better to not tell a potential partner when an ex shows up at your apartment in case they misinterpret your ex's reason for the visit? I see your point here, and I know they are people out there who won't like this and im perfectly fine with it, but at the end of the day, I suppose that is not a person I want to be with either. I can't deal with someone else's insecurities, they have to do it, I'm afraid I have insecurities of my own to deal with first lol. An ex for me is someone who our romantic/sexual relationship is in the past, and that's the end of the story. The foundations on which they remain in my life (if we both want to) are entirely different. Before I end any relationship with someone (romantic or not), I see if it can be fixed first, and the fact that someone is now an ex means that we tried to fix our relationship, and it didn't work. So all the exs I have in my life fell into the simple friends category. But you are right. Some people have double standards about their parents (or whatever they call them) It was really nice seeing that view as well with the rest. It helped me see some thing under a different perspectkve. 1
Author Sofia Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. But any guy you tell this to is going to run even if you claim you're ok with just hooking up. It may be best to close this chapter with your ex rather than be best friends. I'd prefer just ending this whole thing with him rather than stop being friends with my ex. My ex is some I value as a person who supported me indefently and was always there when I needed advise, we just don't romantically see each other anymore. But he is my friend, and like any friend of mine, if someone doesn't like him in my life, it's his problem, and I don't want them in mine as well. Edited January 23, 2022 by Sofia
Author Sofia Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) 14 minutes ago, elaine567 said: ^^^ this. Also many non-monogamous guys want the woman they are sleeping with to be only sleeping with them. No sloppy seconds... Your ex in the picture maybe turned him off. In fact few men will like an ex hanging around who is considered family. He may have realised you are getting attached and has thus introduced distance as that is not what he wants Of course as he is a free spirit he may just have found someone else, or got bored of you, or simply thought it time to move on. Potentially you are right about the latter, and it doesn't bother me at all; we are not exclusive, so he can be with how many other people he wants if that's the case im perfectly okay with it. As for your first point, im not in this world to please everyone and change my life and priorities according to their needs and insecurities, so if thats the case, I don't think I want him in my life. Edited January 23, 2022 by Sofia
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 1 minute ago, Sofia said: My ex is some I value as a person , we just don't romantically see each other anymore. Unfortunately, two half-relationships don't equal one whole relationship. You're still emotionally attached to your former BF yet looking for the sexual satisfaction elsewhere. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? Did you live together? It's fine if you continue to choose your former BF over all others, but even random hookups don't want this mess. Eventually your former BF will move on so you won't always have him as a security blanket. When that happens, you'll have to reflect on all this. 1
Author Sofia Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately, two half-relationships don't equal one whole relationship. You're still emotionally attached to your former BF yet looking for sexual satisfaction elsewhere. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? Did you live together? It's OK if you continue to choose your former BF over all others, but even random hookups don't want this mess. Eventually, your former BF will move on, so you won't always have him as a security blanket. When that happens, you'll have to reflect on all this. It's okay if they don't like that. That's the thing I don't care about those people. I know they are people who are OK with that, and I know that because I've seen it. Not everything is for everyone; I get that. But I won't change my life and the people around me to please anyone, especially hookups. In a relationship, If someone is feeling threatened by someone's ex, when that person has chosen them instead of anyone else, reassures them that its over, that they are with them and that they have nothing to be afraid of, but then this person still feels threatened there a couple of issues in this relationship. No trust Insecurities No proper communication Potentially some controlling issues I hear your opinion, but this whole concept is not something I want to life around. At the end of the day, the people that I've chosen to stay in my life have proven their importance to me. No one should wish to change us in order to be with us, especially if it's just for fun.
Author Sofia Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately, two half-relationships don't equal one whole relationship. You're still emotionally attached to your former BF yet looking for the sexual satisfaction elsewhere. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? Did you live together? It's fine if you continue to choose your former BF over all others, but even random hookups don't want this mess. Eventually your former BF will move on, so you won't always have him as a security blanket. When that happens, you'll have to reflect on all this. I forgot to mention my ex moved on, and he is with a lovely woman who that understands that we are just friends, and she is okay with it. Besides is not like I have sleepovers with my ex or anything. Lol Edited January 23, 2022 by Sofia
elaine567 Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 2 minutes ago, Sofia said: it doesn't bother me at all; we are not exclusive, so he can be with how many other people he wants if that's the case im perfectly okay with it. OK, but he may not want to "commit" to you. Being monogamous, you still want him to hang around with you, even if he is seeing other people. He may be more of the "Great while it lasted, see ya..." type.
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