Getting my ex-girlfriend back

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

She didn't dump me. If anyone of us was the dumper it was me through pushing her away.

OK... At the end of the day, she doesn't want to get back together (and you do).  So, it still has to be HER decision to want to take you back.

4 minutes ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

And i havent been begging, i've let her know how i feel and apologized for what i did wrong and explained i've been working on myself and continue to do so.

OK... You've apologized for your behavior, there is nothing left to do. Done and done! 

Your constant communication of "I'm working on myself" - "I'm a better person" - "I can do better" - "I want to get back together" etc. etc. is a form of begging.  You seem to think all of this texting will someone work and you'll say or text some "magic words" and she'll come to the conclusion that she wants to take you back... Well, there are no "magic words" or actions. 

It appears you have damaged the relationship, perhaps time will fix this damage, and then again it may not.  I still say leave her alone and if she comes to the conclusion that she wants you back (on her own), she knows how to find you.

Some times when we make mistakes, they are forever!  Trust me, I've made mistakes and lost some GREAT women and they NEVER came back.  I did learn from my mistakes and have tried very hard not to repeat them.  This may be one of those "life learning lessons" that we all have had.

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The trick is  really to never get into this situation in the first place...

This is so true!! 

Again, this is something we all learn... the hard way (most of the time).

[TarePanda1991]

Someone else is out there who will make you forget all about this one. Remember that.

[vla1120]

A cancer diagnosis can be a life-altering experience. It sounds like that's why she keeps talking about protecting herself. Talk is cheap. She'll need to see proof that you've changed. At this point in time, you've expressed your feelings and your desire to have another chance with her, but she is not receptive to giving you another chance at this time. If she is open to remaining friends for now, be honest with her and tell her you hope to prove yourself and gain another chance with her, but if she closes that door, be respectful of her feelings, move along, and learn from your mistakes. 

[Alpacalia]

OP, this is a tough one.

She believes that some of the actions (or lack of action) have hurt her.

Thus, she links that to the relationship now.

Compounding her grief was the death of a relative and her health scare.

When we get hurt, we tend to turn inward, focusing on the pain rather than on the other person. Those who are hurt and the ones who cause the hurt both require healing.

It's good that you are validating the hurt.

The place you were emotionally when you were together wasn't the same as hers, but that's okay.

As for right now, it can be easy to think "I caused your pain; I'm the last person you want to comfort you." But sometimes the opposite is true. 

Finding a balance between the two is tough after something like this.

She must regain comfort with you. She needs to rethink her boundaries and the way she interacts with you. The process takes time.

 

Edited January 21, 2022 by Alpaca

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she enjoys your (digital) company just fine but is not interested in you that way anymore. 

You can't win back someone who is just into it any longer. You will probably find that once she meets someone new, she will fade out. 

[ConfusedMan2]

9 hours ago, Alpaca said:

OP, this is a tough one.

She believes that some of the actions (or lack of action) have hurt her.

Thus, she links that to the relationship now.

Compounding her grief was the death of a relative and her health scare.

When we get hurt, we tend to turn inward, focusing on the pain rather than on the other person. Those who are hurt and the ones who cause the hurt both require healing.

It's good that you are validating the hurt.

The place you were emotionally when you were together wasn't the same as hers, but that's okay.

As for right now, it can be easy to think "I caused your pain; I'm the last person you want to comfort you." But sometimes the opposite is true. 

Finding a balance between the two is tough after something like this.

She must regain comfort with you. She needs to rethink her boundaries and the way she interacts with you. The process takes time.

 

How do i regain comfort with her? 

[ConfusedMan2]

10 hours ago, vla1120 said:

A cancer diagnosis can be a life-altering experience. It sounds like that's why she keeps talking about protecting herself. Talk is cheap. She'll need to see proof that you've changed. At this point in time, you've expressed your feelings and your desire to have another chance with her, but she is not receptive to giving you another chance at this time. If she is open to remaining friends for now, be honest with her and tell her you hope to prove yourself and gain another chance with her, but if she closes that door, be respectful of her feelings, move along, and learn from your mistakes. 

This is pretty much what i've done and she still wants to be friends with me, she's just said that she has no idea right now if she wants more than that.

How do i prove that i have changed over text? I find it difficult as she wont get on call or meet up.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

How do i prove that i have changed over text? I find it difficult as she wont get on call or meet up.

That's just it, though. 

If she won't talk live to you or meet up with you, she isn't interested in you proving yourself to her. A reconciliation takes two willing partners, and she just doesn't want to or she'd be giving you a way to demonstrate the changes you've made. But she's not, and you need to read between the lines there. 

I don't see this as her being afraid to let you. I see this simply as a woman who has lost interest in being with you and is having difficulty being honest about that. 

[ConfusedMan2]

45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's just it, though. 

If she won't talk live to you or meet up with you, she isn't interested in you proving yourself to her. A reconciliation takes two willing partners, and she just doesn't want to or she'd be giving you a way to demonstrate the changes you've made. But she's not, and you need to read between the lines there. 

I don't see this as her being afraid to let you. I see this simply as a woman who has lost interest in being with you and is having difficulty being honest about that. 

I dont know, i've told her i'm ok with it if she wants to be only friends so she's had the opportunity to say that's all she wants. Instead she's said she doesn't know what she wants.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

. Instead she's said she doesn't know what she wants.

Unfortunately this is just stringing you along. Step back from this. Don't be friends in the hopes that you'll reconcile.

[ConfusedMan2]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is just stringing you along. Step back from this. Don't be friends in the hopes that you'll reconcile.

Well my goal is to reconcile, if that is my end goal, what do you think the best course of action is?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

Well my goal is to reconcile, if that is my end goal, what do you think the best course of action is?

Step way back. Only respond but don't initiate. Don't take advantage of her grief or health worries to reel her back in.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

How do i regain comfort with her? 

If she reaches out to you, you can tell her you can't be with someone who doesn't know what they want. Rather, your respect for her situation and how she feels at this moment means you'll give her the space and time she needs until she figures herself out.

Considering that you last mentioned that she wouldn't agree to a call or in-person meeting, there's not much else you can do.

You've already extended an olive branch.

Don't lose sight of yourself. Get your passion, do better in life, get your mind and emotions in order. Become stronger. Irrespective of whether she calls you or wants you back - you grew as a man and you changed your life for the better as well.

5 hours ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

How do i prove that i have changed over text? I find it difficult as she wont get on call or meet up.

.

 

 

 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Alpaca

[chillii]

On 1/22/2022 at 1:20 AM, ConfusedMan2 said:

I'm fully listening to what she's saying, all im saying is it seems to contradict her actions. I don't think she's lying, i think she's afraid to let me in.

Mainly cause she's said she's having a hard time trusting me, cause she's afraid i'd hurt her again.

Of course that's all pretty obvious. But she's also been through a hell of a lot since too and that would've taken so much alone but on top of it she was dealing with you as well and feeling pressures and all kinds of things there.

Atm , l feel she not only won't risk it again and she's still not strong enough to deal with the way you treated her if it happened again either. But she's also gone off the whole idea with everything that's happened and time too. All the nice in the world means nothing right now.

l'd say let her go right now and get on with your life, stop bugging her. Who knows 6-12mths time there's a slight maybe if you talk again but tbh, l doubt it.

Edited January 25, 2022 by chillii