Getting my ex-girlfriend back

[ConfusedMan2]

This is a complex one, but i'll try to go in to as much detail as possible.

 

Me(33) and my ex-girlfriend(31) dated for about a year, i had a lot of stressors in my life. I was overloaded with work, financial troubles and i've always had problems showing my feelings.

She lived 2 hours away so she usually stayed a long time when she visited(weeks), the last time she left i had been very frustrated over work and financial problems, stress and i hate to admit i took some of it out on her(not in a physical way, but by me being annoyed at her when she's done nothing wrong).

This is now roughly 1.5 years ago, we were still talking but i kept getting more distant because i just could not handle all the stress when we also started fighting over me being distant. We never actually said that we're breaking up, it just kinda got colder and colder between us over a few weeks and eventually we just talked as friends.

A few months after, a close relative of hers died and it affected her a lot. She's had anxiety problems before and has social anxiety. After that she was saying she's thinking about death a lot and has really dark thoughts(not about suicide) that she cant get away from. Shortly after that, she discovered that she had cancer.

During all this she was texting with me, we've texted almost daily ever since she left. I always tried to show as much support as possible and told her she can text or call me whenever she needs any support or just wants to talk. She never called and whenever i've asked if she wants to call she's said she's afraid it'll give her more anxiety and she needs to protect herself.

She's thanked me for this support several times.

She had surgery for the cancer and is now cured, since a few months ago. Now look, i know i'm the bad guy here in all this. I know i pushed her away and i know quite frankly was an huge idiot and i wish i could go back in time and smack some sense in to myself.

 

But this brings us to this. She was very deep in to me and wanted to tell me she loved me, she's said so. I just couldn't do it, i also have some emotional issues and was too afraid to tell her that i loved her. I've worked on myself a lot the past year, i've really gone in depth and learned to deal with my own frustrations in a healthier way and to be more emotionally open. I continue to work on this cause i know i can do even better. I'm really putting an effort in at being a better person in general.

I've never wanted us to break up, cause i sincerely love this woman. But i don't know what to do, in reality i know i probably dont deserve a second chance, but i cant help wanting one to prove to her that i can be better and that we can be happy together.

Like i said, we text almost daily. About 10 days ago i sent her a letter telling her that i love her and how i've worked on myself and know how badly i screwed up and also told her how strong i think she is for pulling through her last year which has been hard. I've told her i wish i could earn her trust back by showing her my change to the better and that i'll never break that trust again.

However, she only replies to me at day time and really slow, sometimes invested, sometimes very aloof, but i know she's up late nights, i can see her online. No, she's not dating anyone, her current living situation would make that almost impossible and i think she'd actually tell me. 

She says she really cares about me and she says she really enjoys talking to me. After i sent the letter she said she doesn't know what she wants right now.  I've tried a few times to get her on a call with me but she's said its "difficult" for her right now or that she needs to protect herself.

 

I feel like im running in circles when it's only texting and not any deeper text conversations, i really want her to get on a call with me but i dont want to pressure or force her in to it. But right now it just feels like she's keeping me a distance away, which contradicts what she's said for a long time, that she really enjoys talking to me.

 

What do i do here? I'm probably missing a lot of details here, but it's already a long post. I appreciate any advice.

[TarePanda1991]

You sound like a great guy and are great to her, but she's miserable to you. Move on and chalk it up to being her loss, not yours. 

[ConfusedMan2]

2 minutes ago, TarePanda1991 said:

You sound like a great guy and are great to her, but she's miserable to you. Move on and chalk it up to being her loss, not yours. 

I don't really feel like that fully describes the situation. She's not miserable towards me, just stand off-ish and is clearly not letting me get too close.

Me moving on is obviously an option, but for me, she's the one, that's all i can say. She's done absolutely nothing wrong when we were dating and that part is all on me.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

I don't really feel like that fully describes the situation. She's not miserable towards me, just stand off-ish and is clearly not letting me get too close.

Me moving on is obviously an option, but for me, she's the one, that's all i can say. She's done absolutely nothing wrong when we were dating and that part is all on me.

You are building things up impossibly in your mind as it’s very black and white. You either have her in an intimate or relationship kind of way or you won’t at all. I empathize because this is not at all uncommon if you miss her or want to be with her so badly. Take some time to cool off. Stop with the calls and texts and letters.

She told you she doesn’t know what she wants. Don’t keep telling yourself she’s the one. It’s preventing you from being open to what she’s saying and that can take a slightly creepy turn into stalker or someone way too invested to see that it’s not appreciated or reciprocated. 

I suspect after cancer she’s refocusing herself and trying to put her life in perspective. You’re probably a significant part of who she is now as you both dated for awhile but you are not the most important thing she has going on. Try to respect that. Let her reach out to you and don’t put your life on hold. 

[ConfusedMan2]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

You are building things up impossibly in your mind as it’s very black and white. You either have her in an intimate or relationship kind of way or you won’t at all. I empathize because this is not at all uncommon if you miss her or want to be with her so badly. Take some time to cool off. Stop with the calls and texts and letters.

She told you she doesn’t know what she wants. Don’t keep telling yourself she’s the one. It’s preventing you from being open to what she’s saying and that can take a slightly creepy turn into stalker or someone way too invested to see that it’s not appreciated or reciprocated. 

I suspect after cancer she’s refocusing herself and trying to put her life in perspective. You’re probably a significant part of who she is now as you both dated for awhile but you are not the most important thing she has going on. Try to respect that. Let her reach out to you and don’t put your life on hold. 

I'm fully listening to what she's saying, all im saying is it seems to contradict her actions. I don't think she's lying, i think she's afraid to let me in.

Mainly cause she's said she's having a hard time trusting me, cause she's afraid i'd hurt her again.

Edited January 21, 2022 by ConfusedMan2

[glows]

1 minute ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

I'm fully listening to what she's saying, all im saying is it seems to contradict her actions. I don't think she's lying, i think she's afraid to let me in.

Exactly. So try to stop pressuring her into doing so. If you are listening when she said she doesn’t know what she wants, let her reach out to you. 

You’re looking for a relationship again but it’s not realistic. She doesn’t share your interests or desire at the moment and may not ever. Best to move on.

[ConfusedMan2]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Exactly. So try to stop pressuring her into doing so. If you are listening when she said she doesn’t know what she wants, let her reach out to you. 

You’re looking for a relationship again but it’s not realistic. She doesn’t share your interests or desire at the moment and may not ever. Best to move on.

The issue with that approach is that me removing myself from her life is likely going to be seen as me just confirming to her that i havent changed.

Like i said, i'm looking for advice to win her back, not advice on how to move on.

[glows]

4 minutes ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

The issue with that approach is that me removing myself from her life is likely going to be seen as me just confirming to her that i havent changed.

Like i said, i'm looking for advice to win her back, not advice on how to move on.

I disagree about “confirming to her that you haven’t changed”. You were both in a relationship then when you both went your separate ways or you didn’t put enough effort in and took things out on her.

You’re not in a relationship now and you’re under no obligation to stick around.

It would be inappropriate to expect that of you and the circumstances changed if she doesn’t know what she wants. Please don’t delude yourself that you’re under obligation to stay and prove yourself. It seems she forgives you for the past and but she’s not willing to repeat the same mistakes. That’s quite fair.

I think you’re trying to force this and you’re weighed by guilt of the past. It’s not an excuse to pursue on a one sided basis or stop yourself from moving on.

[ConfusedMan2]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I disagree about “confirming to her that you haven’t changed”. You were both in a relationship then when you both went your separate ways or you didn’t put enough effort in and took things out on her.

You’re not in a relationship now and you’re under no obligation to stick around.

It would be inappropriate to expect that of you and the circumstances changed if she doesn’t know what she wants. Please don’t delude yourself that you’re under obligation to stay and prove yourself. It seems she forgives you for the past and but she’s not willing to repeat the same mistakes. That’s quite fair.

I think you’re trying to force this and you’re weighed by guilt of the past. It’s not an excuse to pursue on a one sided basis or stop yourself from moving on.

I know we're not in a relationship now. I dont think i have an obligation to prove myself, i WANT to prove myself.

I'm not doing this out of guilt, i've made a major mistake in the past.

[TarePanda1991]

1 hour ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

I don't really feel like that fully describes the situation. She's not miserable towards me, just stand off-ish and is clearly not letting me get too close.

Me moving on is obviously an option, but for me, she's the one, that's all i can say. She's done absolutely nothing wrong when we were dating and that part is all on me.

I thought a guy I hooked up with for 4 months who ghosted me was "the one", too ... and maybe he still is, but if she's not reciprocating mutual feelings for you than it doesn't matter how you feel. She has to feel the same way or at the very least feel something for you as more than a friend for anything to really happen.

 

Also, she could be protecting you from herself as she has cancer. Is it terminal or ...?

[Estes]

3 minutes ago, TarePanda1991 said:

 she has cancer. Is it terminal or ...?

i see you're new here. Welcome to the board. One suggestion- read more carefully before posting a response.

It's a real timesaver.

 

[ConfusedMan2]

4 minutes ago, TarePanda1991 said:

I thought a guy I hooked up with for 4 months who ghosted me was "the one", too ... and maybe he still is, but if she's not reciprocating mutual feelings for you than it doesn't matter how you feel. She has to feel the same way or at the very least feel something for you as more than a friend for anything to really happen.

 

Also, she could be protecting you from herself as she has cancer. Is it terminal or ...?

I think she feels something, i dont think she'd be so afraid to talk to me or say the things she says if she felt nothing.

It's not terminal, she's cured.

Edited January 21, 2022 by ConfusedMan2

[TarePanda1991]

7 minutes ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

I think she feels something, i dont think she'd be so afraid to talk to me or say the things she says if she felt nothing.

It's not terminal, she's cured.

I agree with you. I think she has feelings for you, too. You just need to decide if she's worth waiting around for while she figures herself out.

[TarePanda1991]

9 minutes ago, Estes said:

i see you're new here. Welcome to the board. One suggestion- read more carefully before posting a response.

It's a real timesaver.

 

I'm not new. I skim threads and the author didn't seem to mind that I misread. I'm a veteran; just a new user name.

[ConfusedMan2]

4 minutes ago, TarePanda1991 said:

I agree with you. I think she has feelings for you, too. You just need to decide if she's worth waiting around for while she figures herself out.

She is, but obviously i dont enjoy living in the unknown

[TarePanda1991]

6 minutes ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

She is, but obviously i dont enjoy living in the unknown

Well, there is always at least one person worth waiting forever for. Hit her up today and tell her exactly how you feel about her. Tell her you messed up and want to try again. 

 

The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

[ConfusedMan2]

6 minutes ago, TarePanda1991 said:

Well, there is always at least one person worth waiting forever for. Hit her up today and tell her exactly how you feel about her. Tell her you messed up and want to try again. 

 

The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

I've already done that though.

[TarePanda1991]

18 minutes ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

I've already done that though.

Next option; Make a physical move on her and give it your best.

[ConfusedMan2]

Just now, TarePanda1991 said:

Next option; Make a physical move on her and give it your best.

Ah physical move? She lives two hours away and we communicate through text. She doesnt want to get on call, why would she agree to meet?

[TarePanda1991]

 

18 minutes ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

Ah physical move? She lives two hours away and we communicate through text. She doesnt want to get on call, why would she agree to meet?

Maybe she would.

[TarePanda1991]

Your thread bothers me, because your dilemma has such a simple solution; Go to her.

 

Two things can happen; a yes or no. If you drive than the distance shouldn't matter. I'd travel any distance if I were in your shoes.

[ConfusedMan2]

21 minutes ago, TarePanda1991 said:

Your thread bothers me, because your dilemma has such a simple solution; Go to her.

 

Two things can happen; a yes or no. If you drive than the distance shouldn't matter. I'd travel any distance if I were in your shoes.

I really dont think driving up there and surprising her out of the blue is a good idea

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, ConfusedMan2 said:

Like i said, i'm looking for advice to win her back, not advice on how to move on.

From my experience, when a woman dumps you, the best thing you can do is leave her alone.  It has to be her idea to want to get back together.  Begging her, texting her & writing letters to her doesn't give her the time to think (about you and the situation) & miss you.

It is possible (at some point) she will miss communicating with you, start to think about you and want you to come back.  Again, this has to be HER decision, you can do nothing to make her want to come back to you.  She has to want to (rekindle the relationship) and she has to be ready to come back.

Many years ago, I was dating a GREAT woman and she dumped me.  Her reasons didn't seem to make sense, but whatever...  So I left her alone and went on about my life.  Fast forward 18 months and she calls me up (out of the blue) and wants to talk.  Long story... short, we got back together.  Eventually a family emergency forced her to move away, but that is a different story for a different thread.  She did tell me she appreciated the fact that I left her alone and allowed her to come to the conclusion that she should not have dumped me in the first place (on her own). 

So that would be my advice... leave this woman alone, and allow her the time and space to sort things out in her mind.  She may want you back, she may not; but this constant communication and begging will NOT get her back.

In the mean time, live your life as if she is never coming back to you and if she does it will be a pleasant surprise.

[ConfusedMan2]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

From my experience, when a woman dumps you, the best thing you can do is leave her alone.  It has to be her idea to want to get back together.  Begging her, texting her & writing letters to her doesn't give her the time to think (about you and the situation) & miss you.

It is possible (at some point) she will miss communicating with you, start to think about you and want you to come back.  Again, this has to be HER decision, you can do nothing to make her want to come back to you.  She has to want to (rekindle the relationship) and she has to be ready to come back.

Many years ago, I was dating a GREAT woman and she dumped me.  Her reasons didn't seem to make sense, but whatever...  So I left her alone and went on about my life.  Fast forward 18 months and she calls me up (out of the blue) and wants to talk.  Long story... short, we got back together.  Eventually a family emergency forced her to move away, but that is a different story for a different thread.  She did tell me she appreciated the fact that I left her alone and allowed her to come to the conclusion that she should not have dumped me in the first place (on her own). 

So that would be my advice... leave this woman alone, and allow her the time and space to sort things out in her mind.  She may want you back, she may not; but this constant communication and begging will NOT get her back.

In the mean time, live your life as if she is never coming back to you and if she does it will be a pleasant surprise.

I see what you're saying, but. She didn't dump me. If anyone of us was the dumper it was me through pushing her away.

And i havent been begging, i've let her know how i feel and apologized for what i did wrong and explained i've been working on myself and continue to do so.

[elaine567]

Trouble is you cannot erase history and all those times you neglected her, ignored her, took her for granted, got annoyed with her, pushed her away and generally upset her... will still be fresh in her mind.
She doesn't want to go back there.
You can say you have changed, but she likely won't believe you.

The time for a reconciliation is probably passed.
You laid your heart out on the chopping block and she did not react in a way to suggest she wants to  renew the relationship.
Time to let go, IMO.

Too many guys (usually), come on here with the same story, I treated her bad, I hurt her, I was too self absorbed, I took her for granted, but now I have changed, I have seen the error of my ways, I need her back... I am heart broken...
All usually to no avail.
Hurt women don't usually want to get hurt again.
It is all too little too late.

The trick is  really to never get into this situation in the first place...