MomInHer40s Posted January 20, 2022 Posted January 20, 2022 Hello everyone. I want to thank in advance everyone that is willing to help me out with this issue. I've been with my boyfriend since 9 months. We are both in our 40s with young children. Things have been going pretty well. We are spending a lot of time together, like 5-6 days per week for the past 6 months, and we are getting along really well. He's been separated for a few years and living on his own since two. He hasn't seen his ex wife since years since they are not on great terms. She is trying to move back to her hometown with the kids and they've been fighting this out in court for over a year. They've already had two court dates to figure this out and have another one scheduled for April, and the whole thing is causing him lots of stress and anxiety. Not only the "fight" but also how this affects his ability to be productive at work (preparing for court is very time-consuming and he's been falling behind on work as a consequence), and how much money this has already cost him and might still cost. Anyway, I totally totally understand that he's going through a lot right now, but it's taking up a lot of space in our relationship in the sense of conversations - it's definitely helpful for him to have the opportunity to talk it out with me and have a listening ear - but also has affected the mood of our relationship. He's often preoccupied, anxious, has insomnia because of his stress and then is tired. He'll be forgetful because preoccupied. And I totally get it and want to be supportive and understanding knowing that he's going through a hard time, but also that this is not gonna last forever. At the same time, I often feel a bit hurt by some of his behaviour, like when he suddenly says he's going back to his place because he needs some privacy for a phone call and then is MIA for a day while he deals with some issue. Or him just not being so fun and loving as I remember him being. Just to be clear, this is a more recent issue as he's been under a lot of pressure. The problem with the ex was there when we met but the next court date was ages away, and it wasn't really too too much on his mind. Anyway, I love him and I know he loves me. And I can see myself spending many years with this man and I get the sense he wishes the same thing. So, I'm just trying to find ways to cope with this situation. Our relationship is still fairly new, and so when he draws back because of stress, my needs are no longer met and it makes me feel insecure. I hate myself for feeling this way, and I wish I could just genuinely feel compassion for his situation without making this about me. I'm not clingy or needy in relationships usually, but suddenly feel that way now which I hate. Does anyone have experience with this?
Wiseman2 Posted January 20, 2022 Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) 20 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said: I've been with my boyfriend since 9 months. We are both in our 40s with young children. He's often preoccupied, anxious, has insomnia because of his stress and then is tired. Sorry this is happening. It seems he's let his guard down is you're seeing the red flags now. He's in a constant battle with his ex and they even been through the divorce yet. That's no excuse to treat you poorly like and afterthought. Don't be his cheerleader. That's not what relationships are about...just being a punching bag/sounding board. You're not his therapist or attorney and he's not paying you $250/hr to listen to his drama. You're kind to understand, but he is creating all this drama at your expense. It's not going to "get better". You're just now getting a taste of how hateful, combative and litigious he is. And he's Not Divorced yet. This is just the custody drama he is subjecting his kids to. Don't believe stories about what a monster his wife is etc. He's driving this hatewagon as well. Reflect if after dating 36 weeks is a good time to cut your losses. He seems like someone who creates drama then dumps his stress. Not someone you want to be around or want your kids around. Edited January 20, 2022 by Wiseman2 1
vla1120 Posted January 20, 2022 Posted January 20, 2022 I'm not sure I understand what the court dates are for, and why they are so adversely affecting him. Does he currently have custody of his children and the court dates are to determine shared custody when she returns to town? Are you concerned that when his ex-wife returns to town, she will bring a boatload of drama with her and that will be his life moving forward? If the two of you want your relationship to work, then maybe he will have to separate this custody issue from his relationship with you, for now. Maybe the two of you need to have a talk about setting aside some time for you to be supportive of his ongoing court issues, but also carve out some time for just the two of you when he can put these issues on the back burner so they do not ruin your time together. You also probably need to evaluate whether you want to be involved with someone who has this much stress related to an ex-wife and child custody. Those issues do not go away for a long time (if ever.) 1
Author MomInHer40s Posted January 20, 2022 Author Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) @vla1120Sorry if my explanation wasn't clear. His ex currently lives in their old house with the kids. Long story short: their relationship ended with a big blow out in which he packed his bags and moved to a hotel for a few days to think things through. This is when he decided that he wanted a divorce as they were having issues since years and never really managed to make things better again. When he told her that he wanted a divorce she basically cut him off the kids entirely. She wouldn't let him see them at all, and she was saying she was going to move back home with them and she wanted him out of their lives. So, the court dates have been to slowly get access back to his kids. It's been a slow process. He now has them 2-3 days per week depending on the week so there's been progress on that front but she has been showing a lot of resistance and he now needs to get the Office of the Children's Lawyer to do a full assessment of their situation and make a recommendation. All that to say that they both still live in the same town but she wants to move away with the kids. @Wiseman2 Just to be clear, I would like to stay together and not break up. I don't have any illusions that he's perfect. Nobody is. But I do think that he's a good person and doesn't deserve what he is going through right now. I also don't think that he's being insensitive towards his ex despite what she's been putting him through. He's tried on numerous occasions to just meet up with her and talk things through. He seems open to brainstorm with her about how they could make it work if she really wanted to move back to her hometown but the fact that she's refusing to talk, negotiate or even see a mediator, but instead wants to fight dirty in court has been very demoralizing. Edited January 20, 2022 by MomInHer40s
BaileyB Posted January 20, 2022 Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) How is it possible that you are able to spend 5-6 days with this man if you both have young children? I didn’t spend 5-6 days with my partner at this stage in the relationship and we didn’t have young children - I have no children and he has a teenager. I presume you both have jobs, homes to maintain, etc… all things that require time and cause stress. Things that can be left for a few months while falling in love and enjoying a new relationship but things that intrude in that new relationship eventually - It seems to me like you have rushed this a little - spending too much time together, you know you love this man at 9 months, and you are thinking about spending the rest of your life with him when his issues related to his previous marriage are clearly not settled. I would suggest that you take a step back, lower your expectations, and give him some time to sort out his life. Focus on your own children and if it’s meant to come together, it will come together with time. Edited January 20, 2022 by BaileyB 4
vla1120 Posted January 20, 2022 Posted January 20, 2022 9 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said: @vla1120Sorry if my explanation wasn't clear. His ex currently lives in their old house with the kids. Long story short: their relationship ended with a big blow out in which he packed his bags and moved to a hotel for a few days to think things through. This is when he decided that he wanted a divorce as they were having issues since years and never really managed to make things better again. When he told her that he wanted a divorce she basically cut him off the kids entirely. She wouldn't let him see them at all, and she was saying she was going to move back home with them and she wanted him out of their lives. So, the court dates have been to slowly get access back to his kids. It's been a slow process. He now has them 2-3 days per week depending on the week so there's been progress on that front but she has been showing a lot of resistance and he now needs to get the Office of the Children's Lawyer to do a full assessment of their situation and make a recommendation. All that to say that they both still live in the same town but she wants to move away with the kids. @Wiseman2 Just to be clear, I would like to stay together and not break up. I don't have any illusions that he's perfect. Nobody is. But I do think that he's a good person and doesn't deserve what he is going through right now. I also don't think that he's being insensitive towards his ex despite what she's been putting him through. He's tried on numerous occasions to just meet up with her and talk things through. He seems open to brainstorm with her about how they could make it work if she really wanted to move back to her hometown but the fact that she's refusing to talk, negotiate or even see a mediator, but instead wants to fight dirty in court has been very demoralizing. Now I understand. You explained it clearly, I just didn't read it closely enough! Thank you for that explanation. What a stressful situation, being faced with his ex-wife trying to take his children away from him. The best thing you can do is like I suggested. Have a talk with him about trying to minimize discussions about that stressful situation while the two of you are together. Set aside time to deal with that, and then also set aside time for the two of you to decompress and do things that do not involve the stress of that situation. The best you can do is just let him know you are there for him and support him. Hopefully, the Office of the Children's Lawyer will do their assessment and recommend that his children not be removed from him, or at least come up with a reasonable visitation schedule so that he sees them at least half the time. Meanwhile, it would be best for HIM to also stay calm and cool during this time, showing strength and how he can give his children a healthy, nurturing home.
Wiseman2 Posted January 20, 2022 Posted January 20, 2022 26 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said: I also don't think that he's being insensitive towards his ex despite what she's been putting him through. He's tried on numerous occasions to just meet up with her and talk things through. They are not legally divorced. There's a lot you don't know about him. It's bizarre he is trying this DIY custody battle. As long as they are still married he has a lot of unresolved financial and other issues ahead. How can she sell the house move and take the kids? Makes no sense. There's a lot of holes in his story but he has you overly focused on what a victim he is. 3
Author MomInHer40s Posted January 20, 2022 Author Posted January 20, 2022 @vla1120 I see that you're right about having a talk with him. I guess I'm a little nervous to do so in the sense that I feel that's he already dealing with a lot of stuff, and I don't want to create for him more things to worry about. I see that he needs a place to feel safe and be himself and I've been providing that. And it was fine when it was so constantly present, but it's become a bit heavy recently. I feel torn about bringing it up with him. I hate creating drama in relationships. @BaileyB yes we have been seeing each other a lot, it's true. It happened progressively as we just really enjoyed each other's company. We started seeing each other more and more. And then when he met my kids, they hit it off, and he's been spending time with me when I have the kids as well. I have spent some time with his kids, but given his slim schedule, not as much as he has with mine. It's not really an issue in terms of responsibilities. We both work from home right now, and have been working from home together. And we do groceries, laundry, cleaning etc. together at each of our respective places. So nobody is falling behind. Also the schedule has been working well in the sense that every second weekend we both have our kids the whole weekend which has provided us with positive time away from each other and fully concentrated on our kids. In this sense, neither kids feel like suddenly there's this new person in their lives that is now constantly around. The schedule has been pretty good actually.
Author MomInHer40s Posted January 20, 2022 Author Posted January 20, 2022 @Wiseman2 I'm not too worried about them not yet being legally divorced because a) marriage is an insignificant social construct in a way which means nothing if the couple no longer shares their lives together, b) they are filing for divorce in February anyway. At the last court hearing, the judge said that they need to figure out the financials through a mediator which they are doing imminently and then they can apply for divorce. It's the custody stuff that will take time to figure out. As for selling the house, and taking the kids and moving away, no she cannot legally do that without his consent. It's more wishful thinking on her part. I don't see how she could win on this. 1
Cersei Posted January 20, 2022 Posted January 20, 2022 Hi. I am in a relationship (that I was in no way looking for) for about as long as yours. We met about a month before the absolute worst time in my life. My Dad's health became a very big issue. Sometimes I just need alone time/space to feel my emotions or to deal with whatever Dad needs. Some days I don't want to talk about it at all and want to be left alone for a bubble bath and a glass of wine. In any case my boyfriend gives me space when I need it. Because when I'm too stressed I'm frustrated and don't want to put him through that. I know he will be there if I need anything. He's proven this. Back off a little. I know for me I have thought that the last thing I need in my life right now is a relationship. And he's amazing. I guess what I'm trying to say is put yourself in his shoes.
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2022 Posted January 21, 2022 14 hours ago, MomInHer40s said: @Wiseman2 a) marriage is an insignificant social construct in a way which means nothing if the couple no longer shares their lives together, b) they are filing for divorce in February anyway. Marriage is a legal contract that carries a lot of financial and other complications. And yes they need to dissolve this contract legally. You're in for a wild ride when the divorce proceedings begin. If he's pouting and fretting over custody battles and stuff that can't happen anyway, wait until his divorce when they're fighting over assets and money. You may be happy doing laundry and shopping together, but his focus is not on building a relationship with you. His focus is fighting his estranged wife for years and dragging out this war. You're on the back burner. A rebound and sounding board at best. Do what is in your and your children's best interest . It's 9 mos. Step back and observe his behaviors and attitudes. 2
glows Posted January 21, 2022 Posted January 21, 2022 (edited) Since you’re not willing to end this, it’s best to proceed with caution and take your time. You’re walking on eggshells if you feel he’s so consumed that he doesn’t have enough energy to listen to you. That’s where your “needs no longer being met” comes from. Speak up and be fair when listening to him as he sounds limited in a relationship. Compromise and accept that he’s not 100% present in your relationship. If there is a week where he has to go to court or deal with a deadline, give him the space to deal with it and catch up at the end of the week or the next week. I’m sure he’s a great person. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s any good for you as a whole in a relationship. If you cannot communicate together and compromise, you are much better off moving on. Edited January 21, 2022 by glows
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2022 Posted January 21, 2022 (edited) His children come first, obviously. Maybe this is just not the right time for this man to be in a relationship. That’s ok - talk to him and see what he says. Give him a bit more space. You can’t force this - I just really think you got together too early and you moved too fast - he has a huge stressor in his life, obviously he needs to settle things with his ex wife and take care of his children. Speaking as one who was in a similar situation, he pulled back and we ended our relationship for a year and a half so that he could deal with the end of his marriage and get his child settled. He contacted me a year and a half later, and we are still together. He says now - had we stayed together then, he doesn’t think we would be together today. My advice, give him the time and space he needs to settle things with his wife and children. Maybe he can do that with you in his life - but probably not five to six days a week talking about your needs not being met by the relationship. Maybe, you need to take a break for a while. Personally, I think you’ve been a nice distraction for him and you’ve been honeymooning for the last nine months. But, reality intrudes and now he needs to deal with the end of his marriage/his custody situation. Talk to him and ask him what he needs right now. That said, his kids should always come first. Edited January 21, 2022 by BaileyB 2
TarePanda1991 Posted January 21, 2022 Posted January 21, 2022 Your relationship is still in it's infant stage and he has a lot of stress and pressure he has to deal with. My advice is to give him space about it, instead of nagging him to be more present. Divorce is hard to deal with and just be thankful that he spends any time with you whatsoever given the circumstances. Do not smother him, because you could lose him that way. Just be patient and see where things go from here and keep an open mind to the possibility that he's still not over the ex wife. Things to consider. Always be cautious of who you're dating; get to know him and always follow your first gut instinct, because 9 out of 10 it's usually accurate.
Author MomInHer40s Posted January 21, 2022 Author Posted January 21, 2022 Thank you everyone for your comments. To be honest I was not expecting everyone to tell me to break things up with him! I just wanted advice on how to deal with the situation. As I mentioned before, I have no interest in ending things. I think he's a wonderful person and a good match for me. I'm just a bit frustrated I guess with how much space his divorce is taking right now. I know this is a temporary situation, and he is working hard on solving this as quickly as possible. A lot of progress has been made in the past month in fact. But it obviously preoccupies him and he has a need to discuss this. And don't get me wrong! I don't need a relationship to always be in Happyland. Obviously real life things happen and can take a toll. That's what relationships are about: being supportive of each other in difficult times. So, @TarePanda1991 and @Cersei I appreciate your advice. Maybe the solution here is to take a step back and give him some space to deal with his problems. Perhaps see him a little less and spend some more time doing other activities. Perhaps by being less present in the day-to-day of his issues, I will feel less involved in his issues. Definitely worth a try. Also @TarePanda1991 I had a great gut feeling when we met: he was the perfect combination of attentive but not needy. He seemed to have a lot of emotional intelligence which was very attractive to me (because my ex husband had none!). As for his ex, I am pretty sure that he is not in love with her anymore. This whole divorce process if anything has put him off her for good. But he was I think done with that relationship long before she was, but was trying to save things for the kids' sake. Finally he realized that it was no longer working and couldn't be saved, so he walked away. In that sense, I think it's more the ex that isn't entirely over the relationship. I am therefore not too worried about him still having feelings for her. That being said, of course there's still the mourning of not being together anymore with the person you had children with and no raising the kids together anymore. I find that this feeling never really goes away: I myself still think about it sometimes. Not that I want to get back with my ex, but I look at other families taking a stroll with their kids as a family and I feel sad that my kids don't have that.
vla1120 Posted January 21, 2022 Posted January 21, 2022 19 hours ago, MomInHer40s said: @vla1120 I see that you're right about having a talk with him. I guess I'm a little nervous to do so in the sense that I feel that's he already dealing with a lot of stuff, and I don't want to create for him more things to worry about. I see that he needs a place to feel safe and be himself and I've been providing that. And it was fine when it was so constantly present, but it's become a bit heavy recently. I feel torn about bringing it up with him. I hate creating drama in relationships. Then I think you are doing the best you can do for him by providing a safe place for him to be himself and decompress from this stress. Just keep letting him know you are there for him and if he wants to talk about it, fine. If he'd rather not talk about it, that's okay too. Encourage him to do some things with you that might take his mind off all of this stress. Physical things like going to a batting cage or driving range and hitting a ball, or bowling, anything where he is swinging at inanimate objects or throwing things can be a great destresser. I'm dead serious.
Author MomInHer40s Posted January 21, 2022 Author Posted January 21, 2022 2 hours ago, vla1120 said: Then I think you are doing the best you can do for him by providing a safe place for him to be himself and decompress from this stress. Just keep letting him know you are there for him and if he wants to talk about it, fine. If he'd rather not talk about it, that's okay too. Encourage him to do some things with you that might take his mind off all of this stress. Physical things like going to a batting cage or driving range and hitting a ball, or bowling, anything where he is swinging at inanimate objects or throwing things can be a great destresser. I'm dead serious. Oh I would like to do those activities too! We're in a lockdown right now, but great idea for when things reopen! 1
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2022 Posted January 21, 2022 I don’t know that people are saying break up with him as much as we are saying, lower your expectations, slow things down and give him a little more time and space. Two very different things. it might be that he decides this is not the right time. It might be that you need to take a little break. Or maybe he will be able to continue to see you while dealing with these other issues. That remains to be seen. But, it is not likely to work out for you if you pressure him to continue to spend this much time together because otherwise, it’s not meeting your needs. Not that I think you’ve done that, I’m just saying - I understand your anxiety and as such, the pressure is there. For me, I lived with the saying - if it’s meant to be, it will be. All good things come with time. Just be patient. 2
smackie9 Posted January 21, 2022 Posted January 21, 2022 (edited) What you need to do is to spend less time with him and not depend on this relationship so much. Get more out of your life by doing things for yourself, and for you own well being. You carry too much of his burden...that isn't your job. Have a talk with him that you are going to give him more space to focus on the proceedings, and when he needs a break to refresh, he can take you out for dinner and not talk about his problems. Talk about positive things, go sightseeing, take a nice walk, go to the park, to the beach. Also go do your own thing, visit with friends, family etc. Best to just stay away from his issues...he doesn't need you hovering around talking about it. Change the environment. Edited January 21, 2022 by smackie9 1 1
elaine567 Posted January 21, 2022 Posted January 21, 2022 On 1/20/2022 at 7:08 PM, MomInHer40s said: We are both in our 40s with young children. How many and how old?
Author MomInHer40s Posted January 24, 2022 Author Posted January 24, 2022 On 1/21/2022 at 5:28 PM, elaine567 said: How many and how old? We both have two children under the age of 10.
Author MomInHer40s Posted January 24, 2022 Author Posted January 24, 2022 On 1/21/2022 at 2:28 PM, BaileyB said: I don’t know that people are saying break up with him as much as we are saying, lower your expectations, slow things down and give him a little more time and space. Two very different things. it might be that he decides this is not the right time. It might be that you need to take a little break. Or maybe he will be able to continue to see you while dealing with these other issues. That remains to be seen. But, it is not likely to work out for you if you pressure him to continue to spend this much time together because otherwise, it’s not meeting your needs. Not that I think you’ve done that, I’m just saying - I understand your anxiety and as such, the pressure is there. For me, I lived with the saying - if it’s meant to be, it will be. All good things come with time. Just be patient. Just to be clear: I have in no way asked him to spend this much time with me! It just happened slowly over time as a natural development. @smackie9 I do spend a lot of time with family and friends actually. I do weekly activities with them, often with my kids. Sometimes the BF comes along, sometimes not. Often we'll each be meeting friends on a Saturday afternoon (separately) and then meet up again in the evening.
smackie9 Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 36 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said: Just to be clear: I have in no way asked him to spend this much time with me! It just happened slowly over time as a natural development. @smackie9 I do spend a lot of time with family and friends actually. I do weekly activities with them, often with my kids. Sometimes the BF comes along, sometimes not. Often we'll each be meeting friends on a Saturday afternoon (separately) and then meet up again in the evening. that's fine. Set a boundary then. He can keep his business between him and the ex private and not make things such a downer for you. Again, give him his space or tell him to let you know if he needs space. Maybe he needs to get counseling to teach him how to manage his stress.
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