Struggling to love again or deeply like someone

[MJ93]

Struggling to love again

It will be 2 years in May since my ex broke up with me and pretty much broke me as a person. I’m not sure until this day if she cheated on me or not but within few months of breaking up with me, she was married to someone. When I first met her, she had just come out of a divorce with her ex husband so I’m not sure if I was a rebound, our families had meet and I was suppose to marry her.

I’ve struggled, I won’t lie.. there’s nothing amazing or attractive about her, I still ask myself why I gave her so much of myself and so much love. I honestly treated her like a queen, and she knew that. 

September 2020, I met someone and soon after I realised I wasn’t ready and had to be honest with her, even she didn’t want me to leave her, I felt so bad but the last thing I wanted to do was lead her on knowing I’m dead inside. 

Fast forward to the present, I’ve been speaking to someone else through instagram since November and I’m meeting her for the first time this weekend, she’s genuinely a sweet girl and we are really alike. But I don’t know why… I’m getting worried like I’m not ready.. I’ve been looking forward to meeting her and now that it’s 2 days away.. it’s like I don’t want to anymore. I just feel like I can’t give myself to anyone and love anymore. Just stuck. I’m over my ex, she was a horrible person, probably the most horrible I’ve met in my life. But the pain and heartache is still there, after all this time.

[glows]

It takes time and there’s no hard and fast rule for everyone when a person is ready to open themselves up again. 

I’d say if your ex was married so soon to someone else after ending things with you it was more likely she was not 100% with you in heart or mind. It might not have been full blown cheating and you would never know. All you know is that she chose not to continue the relationship. That is your cue to be free and live your life. You do not owe each other anything.

Don’t keep reliving the past. Learn to let go. I’d also be more conscious of the probability that none of these new women are compatible with you and you’re having them fill a lonely void as opposed to being truly interested in who they are. Do you feel this is the case? Or is it just cold feet?

[MJ93]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

It takes time and there’s no hard and fast rule for everyone when a person is ready to open themselves up again. 

I’d say if your ex was married so soon to someone else after ending things with you it was more likely she was not 100% with you in heart or mind. It might not have been full blown cheating and you would never know. All you know is that she chose not to continue the relationship. That is your cue to be free and live your life. You do not owe each other anything.

Don’t keep reliving the past. Learn to let go. I’d also be more conscious of the probability that none of these new women are compatible with you and you’re having them fill a lonely void as opposed to being truly interested in who they are. Do you feel this is the case? Or is it just cold feet?

The thing is, this girl I’m currently speaking to is actually everything everything I wanted from my ex. I think it’s definitely cold feet. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, MJ93 said:

It will be 2 years in May since my ex broke up with me .I’ve been looking forward to meeting her and now that it’s 2 days away.. 

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

Meet for a low-key low anxiety brief coffee. Do not chitchat this long before meeting. 

It's time to move forward from this ex. But you'll need to reflect on overinvesting such as "treated her like a queen" or "chatting since Nov".

Try not to hold onto grudges. It's holding you back from finding out what you want. Don't hurt other people by ghosting or standing them up.

If you're not ready to date, that's fine. Perhaps deal with any ongoing depression or anxiety you may have.

Edited January 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[MJ93]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

Meet for a low-key low anxiety brief coffee. Do not chitchat this long before meeting. 

It's time to move forward from this ex. But you'll need to reflect on overinvesting such as "treated her like a queen" or "chatting since Nov".

Try not to hold onto grudges. It's holding you back from finding out what you want. Don't hurt other people by ghosting or standing them up.

If you're not ready to date, that's fine. Perhaps deal with any ongoing depression or anxiety you may have.

A year, I had a car accident on my way to see her on the motorway, breaking my arm, ribs and my leg, soon after that, things escalated because our families found out about eschother, both coming from south Asian families, it’s not good to have bf/gf especially within our religion too so this is why marriage talk came about and we were both so in love, well atleast I thought she was.  
 

and I get that, but it’s hard to accept, knowing I have my absolute best and it wasn’t enough.. and that it never will be. Even my parents and her parents said I do way too much for her and that she should be grateful, but she wasn’t. 
 

The saying goes true, nice guys do finish last 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, MJ93 said:

 our families found out about eschother, both coming from south Asian families, it’s not good to have bf/gf especially within our religion 

Was she scheduled for an arranged marriage? Either way you only dated a year and you broke up 2 years ago, so it's time to put it in the past.

Don't be mean to this woman you're talking to. At least meet for coffee and if there's no connection or you're not ready to date, that's ok.

[MJ93]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was she scheduled for an arranged marriage? Either way you only dated a year and you broke up 2 years ago, so it's time to put it in the past.

Don't be mean to this woman you're talking to. At least meet for coffee and if there's no connection or you're not ready to date, that's ok.

Nope, her family are very modern in that sense. After my accident, I couldn’t work for a long time and when she broke up with me, she mentioned how her new guy has a better job than me, that he doesn’t have a broken arm (I have plates in my arm for the rest of my life) and she also said she wish I died in the accident lol but soon after said she didn’t mean that bit, , she made out to me her ex husband cheated on 4 times, was addicted to pornography and never there for her. Then she met me, made out I was the best thing that’s ever happened to her then left me like I meant nothing lol 

 

mean? I don’t have a mean bone in my body, I wish I could be mean even a little, maybe then I wouldn’t be like this. I’m too soft and nice and that’s my problem. 

[glows]

The accident sounds horrific. Who was driving? Were there any drugs or alcohol involved? 

Have you any access to counselling after the accident? 

[MJ93]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

The accident sounds horrific. Who was driving? Were there any drugs or alcohol involved? 

Have you any access to counselling after the accident? 

I was, on my own. And nope, never drank or done drugs in my life. My car suddenly broke down in the middle of the lane and a van going at 94 miles per hour took me out 

I did like 2/3 sessions then corona happened and it just randomly stopped 

I have surgery scars on the front and back of my right arm and it always reminds me of that time and it links to her  

Edited January 20, 2022 by MJ93

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, MJ93 said:

. I’m too soft and nice and that’s my problem. 

Stringing anyone along or ghosting or standing anyone up is mean. 

You need to stop obsessing over this ex.

You seem bitter about your accident, get help with that. Understandably it was traumatic. But stop blaming your ex for all your troubles.

[MJ93]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stringing anyone along or ghosting or standing anyone up is mean. 

You need to stop obsessing over this ex.

You seem bitter about your accident, get help with that. Understandably it was traumatic. But stop blaming your ex for all your troubles.

Who said I was going to do any of that? I just stated how I felt. 
 

Bitter about my accident? How? It was the will of God that this happened. I don’t blame her for it, not anyone else.. it was just written to happen.

 

and blaming my ex for all my troubles? What are you talking about? You’ve clearly not read took in anything I said 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, MJ93 said:

Bitter about my accident? How? It was the will of God that this happened.

Either way, it was traumatic. There's no point thinking about this ex.

Hopefully you have recovered from the accident and gotten appropriate physical therapy and help with any residual PTSD.

Why not view the breakup as a "will of God"? That may help you move forward and find love again.

[MJ93]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Either way, it was traumatic. There's no point thinking about this ex.

Hopefully you have recovered from the accident and gotten appropriate physical therapy and help with any residual PTSD.

Why not view the breakup as a "will of God"? That may help you move forward and find love again.

I do, I see it as God protecting me from her, like I think to myself I coulda easily been married to her but God saved me because then it would have a million times worse than it already is. 
 

I am over her, it’s the pain and hurt that’s still here which I can’t seem forget or get rid of. But hey I guess, you don’t really know unless you’ve been in the situation yourself, right? But then again, everyone’s different and react to things differently 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, MJ93 said:

she made out to me her ex husband cheated on 4 times, was addicted to pornography and never there for her. Then she met me, made out I was the best thing that’s ever happened to her then left me like I meant nothing lol 

Sounds a bit like you got caught up with a woman whose ex was a bad guy and you of course are the good guy.
This is often an unhealthy dynamic.
You  become the saviour rescuing her from her bad ex.
You think, YOU will fix her as you are better for her, you are a nicer guy, you treat her right,  so you are bound to win her over.
Bad guy vs you -> no contest. 
Many damaged and hurt women will flock to "nicer guys", to make themselves feel better, BUT once they are healed they tend to dump the guy who "saved" them.
Once whole again and thinking straight, they will start looking for the guys they really want and the "saviour" is not usually the one they want.
He saw her at her worst, she may feel somewhat beholden and obligated to him and that usually doesn't feel good.
Some want to put it all behind them and look to the future and make a fresh start with a fresh guy.
Which is essentially what happened here.
I think the accident didn't help but I think the result would have been the same had you never been injured.

Stay away from damsels in distress and fixer uppers.
Many men see potential in these vulnerable women, but as in your  case it doesn't often end well. 

2 years is long enough to hide yourself away over a relationship that was probably doomed from the start.
Get back on that horse.
 

[MJ93]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Sounds a bit like you got caught up with a woman whose ex was a bad guy and you of course are the good guy.
This is often an unhealthy dynamic.
You  become the saviour rescuing her from her bad ex.
You think, YOU will fix her as you are better for her, you are a nicer guy, you treat her right,  so you are bound to win her over.
Bad guy vs you -> no contest. 
Many damaged and hurt women will flock to "nicer guys", to make themselves feel better, BUT once they are healed they tend to dump the guy who "saved" them.
Once whole again and thinking straight, they will start looking for the guys they really want and the "saviour" is not usually the one they want.
He saw her at her worst, she may feel somewhat beholden and obligated to him and that usually doesn't feel good.
Some want to put it all behind them and look to the future and make a fresh start with a fresh guy.
Which is essentially what happened here.
I think the accident didn't help but I think the result would have been the same had you never been injured.

Stay away from damsels in distress and fixer uppers.
Many men see potential in these vulnerable women, but as in your  case it doesn't often end well. 

2 years is long enough to hide yourself away over a relationship that was probably doomed from the start.
Get back on that horse.
 

Thank you, that makes a lot more sense when you put it that way  

[smackie9]

Hey stop getting ahead of yourself. It's just a meet up with someone you have never met. Already you are thinking possible wedding plans. This girl might turn out to be just a good friend or nothing at all. Don't be so invested/desperate/freaking out. 

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, MJ93 said:

Fast forward to the present, I’ve been speaking to someone else through instagram since November and I’m meeting her for the first time this weekend, she’s genuinely a sweet girl and we are really alike. But I don’t know why… I’m getting worried like I’m not ready.. I’ve been looking forward to meeting her and now that it’s 2 days away.. it’s like I don’t want to anymore. I just feel like I can’t give myself to anyone and love anymore. Just stuck. I’m over my ex, she was a horrible person, probably the most horrible I’ve met in my life. But the pain and heartache is still there, after all this time.

It is understandable that you are apprehensive about meeting someone new, afraid of having her do what you ex did to you. I think it would be helpful if you could get back into therapy to help you regain your confidence in trying another relationship. The only advice I can give you about this new girl is to try to relax and give her a chance. Try not to associate her with your ex's misbehavior (she was horrible to you!) Judge this new girl on her own merits. You can go into this slowly and be protective of your heart while taking your time to get to know one another. She could be exactly what you have been looking for, just tread carefully and you will be fine! Pay attention to red flags. If you think back, I'll bet there were red flags with the ex that you ignored. Am I right?

[MJ93]

10 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

It is understandable that you are apprehensive about meeting someone new, afraid of having her do what you ex did to you. I think it would be helpful if you could get back into therapy to help you regain your confidence in trying another relationship. The only advice I can give you about this new girl is to try to relax and give her a chance. Try not to associate her with your ex's misbehavior (she was horrible to you!) Judge this new girl on her own merits. You can go into this slowly and be protective of your heart while taking your time to get to know one another. She could be exactly what you have been looking for, just tread carefully and you will be fine! Pay attention to red flags. If you think back, I'll bet there were red flags with the ex that you ignored. Am I right?

100%, ignored every single red flag from the get go. Even when I first spoke to her, I got bad vibes.. 

 

and now I know what to look out for and not to be so naive and stupid. This new girl, so far, no red flags, well nothing major 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Once whole again and thinking straight, they will start looking for the guys they really want and the "saviour" is not usually the one they want.

All often true I think. Just to add - and/or start the cycle of screwing up their lives with unsafe/unhealthy partners over again (sometimes)...

 

OP, consider therapy for your breakup blues and if you've tried already consider trying a new therapist. As pointed out, 2 years is a long time to be pining over someone who is getting their needs met elsewhere and really no longer has any interest in you.

[glows]

Going back to your comment that this is cold feet, enjoy the meet up. I think you have moved on already but closing the old chapter and looking back causes a twinge of regret and residual ache for you. Some of that has to do with making mistakes and ignoring red flags so go into this new experience a little older/wiser. Not to mention having metal plates in your body which is a permanent reminder of that past. Does it cause you any pain or are you affected in any other way after the accident? 

All you have to be is yourself and genuine when you meet his new person. Let the rest unfold. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

17 hours ago, MJ93 said:

Struggling to love again

It will be 2 years in May since my ex broke up with me and pretty much broke me as a person. I’m not sure until this day if she cheated on me or not but within few months of breaking up with me, she was married to someone. When I first met her, she had just come out of a divorce with her ex husband so I’m not sure if I was a rebound, our families had meet and I was suppose to marry her.

I’ve struggled, I won’t lie.. there’s nothing amazing or attractive about her, I still ask myself why I gave her so much of myself and so much love. I honestly treated her like a queen, and she knew that. 

September 2020, I met someone and soon after I realised I wasn’t ready and had to be honest with her, even she didn’t want me to leave her, I felt so bad but the last thing I wanted to do was lead her on knowing I’m dead inside. 

Fast forward to the present, I’ve been speaking to someone else through instagram since November and I’m meeting her for the first time this weekend, she’s genuinely a sweet girl and we are really alike. But I don’t know why… I’m getting worried like I’m not ready.. I’ve been looking forward to meeting her and now that it’s 2 days away.. it’s like I don’t want to anymore. I just feel like I can’t give myself to anyone and love anymore. Just stuck. I’m over my ex, she was a horrible person, probably the most horrible I’ve met in my life. But the pain and heartache is still there, after all this time.

So I have to ask you the hard questions.  I know you are thinking in terms of dating but I think you should be looking at the bigger picture.  In the last 2 years what have you done for yourself in terms of self discovery and personal growth?  Did you take this time to fix yourself and let go of your past?  Or did you just grind along day by day while shoving your feelings down until you could not feel them anymore?

I found the book “language of letting go” really useful.

‘If you are feeling stuck then it feelings like a personal growth issue more than a dating issue.  Something to think about and explore anyway.

[Ami1uwant]

On 1/20/2022 at 5:13 AM, MJ93 said:

Struggling to love again

It will be 2 years in May since my ex broke up with me and pretty much broke me as a person. I’m not sure until this day if she cheated on me or not but within few months of breaking up with me, she was married to someone. When I first met her, she had just come out of a divorce with her ex husband so I’m not sure if I was a rebound, our families had meet and I was suppose to marry her.

I’ve struggled, I won’t lie.. there’s nothing amazing or attractive about her, I still ask myself why I gave her so much of myself and so much love. I honestly treated her like a queen, and she knew that. 

September 2020, I met someone and soon after I realised I wasn’t ready and had to be honest with her, even she didn’t want me to leave her, I felt so bad but the last thing I wanted to do was lead her on knowing I’m dead inside. 

Fast forward to the present, I’ve been speaking to someone else through instagram since November and I’m meeting her for the first time this weekend, she’s genuinely a sweet girl and we are really alike. But I don’t know why… I’m getting worried like I’m not ready.. I’ve been looking forward to meeting her and now that it’s 2 days away.. it’s like I don’t want to anymore. I just feel like I can’t give myself to anyone and love anymore. Just stuck. I’m over my ex, she was a horrible person, probably the most horrible I’ve met in my life. But the pain and heartache is still there, after all this time.

 

in terms of being ready to date…you won’t know till you date.  There is no magic signs.

key…don’t do comparisons to the others.

 

im near certain your ex cheated on you with that person she married after you broke up ( they likely had known each other fpr some time before you two ended).  She might have ended it with you when this other guy came available.

[jdesey]

I had a similar break up and I was a broken man for a long time. Don’t give your ex that power. Sometimes I have to force myself to go on dates but I know it’s best. Many times I want to cancel right before hand

[BaileyB]

On 1/20/2022 at 4:13 AM, MJ93 said:

there’s nothing amazing or attractive about her, I still ask myself why I gave her so much of myself and so much love. I honestly treated her like a queen, and she knew that. 

Perhaps, the lesson you learned from this relationship is not to invest so fully in another person or the relationship that you are “broken” when the relationship ends.

Two things to learn - keeping some kind of boundary, such that you don’t give to the point that you put your own wellbeing at risk. Ie, you don’t need to treat a woman like a Queen. You just need to be a good partner, and you need to chose a woman who is a good partner to you in return. Neither of those things happened in your last relationship. You invested far too much in the relationship, and she was not a good or safe partner for you. 

The other thing to learn is resilience. Your relationship ended and - you survived. Dare I say, you learned a few things that will help you in your next relationship - which is a good thing, it gives some value to the hurt that you suffered. I once heard it said that an individual is willing to be vulnerable in a relationship only when they feel that whatever happens, they will be able to deal with it. You can say that now - the worst has happened, and you got through it.

So next time, chose wisely (watch for those red flags, pay attention to them when you find them), don’t give yourself over to the other person and the relationship to the point that you have nothing left for yourself keep some boundaries), and then trust that if the worst happens - you will get through it!

That said, it’s a drink. Go and meet this woman for a drink and see what happens. As yourself - is she a nice person, do I enjoy spending time with her, and do I want to see her again. That’s all you need to think about right now… There is no “risk” in that - just meet the woman with the intention of learning more about her and having a good time. good luck! 

 

Edited January 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 1/20/2022 at 4:48 AM, MJ93 said:

it’s hard to accept, knowing I have my absolute best and it wasn’t enough.. and that it never will be. Even my parents and her parents said I do way too much for her and that she should be grateful, but she wasn’t. 

You need to change this narrative. If you were a good partner to her and she cheated/left you to find another relationship - that’s on her, not on you. 

You need better boundaries - when someone takes from you without giving in return, the answer is not to give more, to be better, to deplete yourself to give to another. It will never be enough, and what you have done is hurt yourself for another who is ungrateful and unappreciative. You can’t force someone to be grateful and appreciate you - they either do, or they don’t. And if they don’t, you need to end the relationship and find someone who does appreciate you and what you bring to the relationship.