being the sole provider and not being successful

[glows]

It’s on shaky legs if you can’t trust her or suspect her of being shady.

You’re only going around and around in circles because of the comfort of the apartment and the sex she provides in the relationship. Everything else is hollow. If she loves you why is it so hard for her to listen to you or why does she show you disdain when you share your worries? 

Perhaps she makes you feel like more of a man because she needs one to support her. Or needs to think she’s feeling supported. When she cries you’re that fist holding her heel up? That’s fine but it’s toxic as it implies you’re not ever being supported mutually in the relationship. The dynamic is archaic and backwards. She also knows how to belittle you, push your buttons and make you feel very small and insignificant when you aren’t that “fist” 100% of the time.

The issue with you leaving is that she’d never give you the time of day after that. You’d have failed in her eyes to provide anything and you’re now more worthless then you were before. 

 

[jerrygordon3]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Way too much way too soon. Move out. You're not compatible. You keep beating her up with your issues and complaints.

You're not a hostage or victim. Stop enjoying the sex and hospitality and her place if all you do is complain about how horrible she is.

 Get your own place.

I had my own place she begged me to move in

[smackie9]

When someone begs, and sobs, cries, complains to get their way....that's manipulation. She does this to wear you down so you will do her will. You are being a fool/taken for granted. 

Edited January 21, 2022 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I had my own place she begged me to move in

Move out. You moved in too soon

You're your own man. It's better than seething and resenting this arrangement.

[mark clemson]

On 1/20/2022 at 5:24 AM, jerrygordon3 said:

I mean im trying not to succumb to the writing on the wall but it just seems a tiny bit weird, no?

Yes, it does. I think you'd be wise proceed with caution from here on...

[Calmandfocused]

8 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

all very good advice. 

She does spells and stuff. so does her mom. It's their work. And it's surprisingly profitable. But at the same time when we met I understood she has no problem leaving people. But any time I've talked about leaving or even been slightly rude to her ( which i did because she did it first) she sobs. She thinks I want to leave and continue traveling and doesnt feel secure sometimes. when we fight she brings it up and puts words in my mouth. so i started just agreeing with her out of frustration. literally just repeating everything she was saying. and then she has a meltdown and sobs. I know she loves me. I also know her mentality. her recent IG post is a photo of a mans fist laying on the ground and a womans heel standing on it to lift her up. " no caption needed" she says. She told me she has 2 IG accounts. 1 to check on people"". she asked me not to post anything of us, but we live together. we've been dating for 6 months. and she does post stories on IG where you can see my hands at the dinner table for instance. I have big hands and tattoos so it's obvious Im a man. BUT, sounds to me im calling these bread crumbs a meal. they aren't and she does totally keep up the single girl facade. 

 

I know she loves me-- I know she has options-- I know in the past if I didnt pay or offer to pay for little things she would back off and ghost me for a week and then when we were suddenly happily back together I would see Tinder notifications on her phone--- I know she respects me in some ways, but I know she has no problems acting in her own interests. So more or less the signals Im getting is that she loves me and wants to be with me and work things out but expects me to be a provider. She doesnt ask for jewelry, clothes, shopping, or nice dinners. 

 

she wants flowers once in a while, a nice dinner maybe once a month, and to go out 1 or 2 times a month and spend 100 bucks out on the town. shes financially low maintenance. My issue, is that when i bring up finances or bring up the fact I might need help from her end it starts a fight and she says she worries shes putting too much pressure on me and becomes really... despondent. 

And I mean the no posting on IG makes me think she doesnt want to fully commit but I know a ton of girls here who are in relationships and they dont post anything except them looking super hot"" at a pool or something. all women in this country care about it their image and showing that they have status. It's systemic and literally constant. zero variations. even the grandmas have the Ipones. everyone has to have an iphone. its a status thing. I have a 100$ s*** android I bought 2nd hand in albania a year ago with a cracked screen. I can afford an Iphone, but thats not the kind of person I am.

Spells? 
 

Active Tinder accounts whilst “happily” with you, yet you “know” she loves you?

Takes takes takes from you and gives nothing back? 

I think she’s put a spell on you Op! A spell that’s made you blind .. and completely in denial. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

When someone begs, and sobs, cries, complains to get their way....that's manipulation. 

Yes, and she stopped talking to him when he refuses to pay for something/complains about the finances that is also manipulation.

I hope the sex is worth it OP. 

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, balletomane said:

She says it's her culture.  Is it also her culture to borrow 15k off friends?

Like I said I didn't read all the posts, my bad.  So I missed that.

But with respect to her culture, as I posted previously, my background is eastern European, my dad was born and raised in Lithuania, and yes a man being a good provider IS very much part of that culture, as well as a man remaining stoic, not complaining or expressing strong emotion, especially financial (like the OP did).  He just deals with it.

That said, she does sound extremely entitled, crying, demanding, over and above anything her culture dictates, so I tend to agree with the majority of posters here that the OP may want to think twice about proceeding further with her.

Edited January 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[IrinaM]

so if the two of you are living in an apartment purchased by her previous ex, do you not have to pay for housing? how does that work?

[Pumpernickel]

On 1/20/2022 at 8:39 AM, jerrygordon3 said:

I have a beautfiul woman who treats me really well and loves me

What exactly does "treats me well" look like for you? How do you know she genuinely "loves" you? This whole relationship is so bizarre, cultural differences aside. Seriously.

I mean, obviously, when people have relationship problems, they tell or write about the issues at hand, the negative aspects, and not so much about the pleasant, positive stuff. [I know this from friends, and whenever they have marriage problems, I only hear one side and therefore take everything with a grain of salt.]

BUT: Everything you write makes me feel really sad for you. Is this what you want from a relationship? She's not only a massive taker, she also pretty much hides the relationship from the public. With the exception of her family who encourages you guys to get married. I wonder why that is? I mean, think about it logically: She does spells? That's her source of income? I understand that you are told (by her) that she makes "good" money with that business (IF she feels like working, which seems to be a rare occurrence), but do you actually believe that? What I believe is that she has zero income, and luckily she got a free apartment from her ex (allegedly), but there are monthly expenses that need to be paid as well. And she needs you for that. And while you're there, paying her way, she has one foot out the door, looking for greener pastures and more $$$ on Tinder, and God knows where else. This relationship will not last, but my guess is that it would last a year or two longer if you married her & took her back to the U.S. with you. (I do understand that that's not your intention or lifeplan, though, but who knows, maybe she thinks that it's in the cards somehow.....)  

Another thing: The apartment was allegedly given to her for free by her ex. This story is VERY hard to believe. I don't believe it for one second. I do not think anybody (even if very horny) would give another person whom they see twice a year an apartment. As a gift. And then they get dumped. Not plausible. If the guy was wealthy, that means he was smart & ambitious enough to make a lot of money. Not an idiot, so to speak. He'll have some "insurance policy" in place to secure his proprtey. Trust me. If he invests in property, it's his property. His name is on the title somewhere, trust me. (unless he was a very old, senile man who got ripped off, because he wasn't fully there, mentally speaking. But even that is very unlikely.)

How did he pay for it from a foreign country? Did he send her 100K by international bank transfer? Did he invest directly? Did he work with a Ukranian realtor? Was a real estate lawyer invloved? Etc etc ....... You should ask these questions! And maybe you did and she's either telling you a lie, or you misunderstood her (lanuage barrier?). Maybe she's still with him, and maybe he's just renting the apartment for her? Either way – that apartment story doesn't make sense. Otherwise, you would have heard something about him wanting his money back, letters from lawyers, unjust enrichment claims, you name it......  

And generally speaking, and I always say that, as long as a relationship makes you happy, good for you. But I think you're being taken advantage of and lied to. Sorry! This is no partnership.

Edited January 21, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[poppyfields]

On 1/19/2022 at 1:53 AM, jerrygordon3 said:

she's really good to me. shes not a dead beat either. She loves to travel. Shes articulate and interesting. I mean the overall relationship is good and she's a catch.

Expounding on @Pumpernickel's last post, can you elaborate^^?  How is she good to you, what makes her such a catch?

I have a feeling how you will respond as eastern European women, generally speaking, tend to take very good care of their men sexually, they tend to be submissive and allow the man to lead, which for many men is super important and makes them feel masculine and sexual.

And of course this is powerful and can blind you to the negative aspects of the relationship as well as her nature and personality that have nothing to do with her culture.

 

 

Edited January 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

On 1/18/2022 at 2:00 PM, jerrygordon3 said:

easier said than done. However I found myself in a relationship and needing to get a job as we live together and although she works I pay for 100% of everything except her clothing and make up costs. Shes not needy, doesn't ask to go out for flashy stuff, but I know her ex was wealthy. It makes me think I can't give her the life she had before which isn't important, but what bothers me is I'm becoming financially strained by the situation and part of me wonders if I should be looking for someone who is more interested in sharing the load and being self sufficient. it's just a lot of pressure and im not in the place right now to be able to handle it. but at the same time im looking for jobs online that will help me pay the bills and ive started teaching english. but she barely works and only has limited clients. not her fault necessarily but still. it all falls on me. and i mean if i was in california making 8k+ a month, no problem. but im not and im living off a pension of <2k and struggling. 

Don't know what you want to hear.  Go back to your 6-figure job, or date someone that's not as high-maintenance.

Edited January 22, 2022 by dramafreezone

[jerrygordon3]

On 1/20/2022 at 10:39 AM, AngryGromit said:

You have to be very careful when you read about XYZ country and average salary is $500 a month, thinking you could live like a king in $2k. Those numbers are  based on how the locals live, smallest apartment, no A/C, 5 flights of stairs with no elevator, eating local food. When you apply your American standards of living, Larger apartment with a view, Central Air, Elevator, Americanize food, the cost of living increase dramatically in those countries you thought were cheap place to retire in.  Yes it's possible to live cheaply, but as a local, not a spoiled American that expects reliable power infrastructural that doesn't go out a couple times a day and a modern highway system.  For your posts, I would guess your somewhere in Russia, they generally have more modern infrastructure than say Latin america where the power fails happen often, especially outside the larger cities. . 

Odesa Ukraine, I've been living abroad for 2 years and spent less money living in Greece than i do here. But it just goes to show how lifestyle is absolutely the predicating factor. 

[jerrygordon3]

my apartment + taxis to come see her everyday cost me about 600$/month. I'm paying utilties and all groceries and I would say it's about 700$/month. So theres no mortgage or rent. Its much less money. I just don't see how I'm ever going to get ahead unless I get a good job I suppose and I don't like the feeling that I can't have a conversation with her about serious finances without her being rude

Edited January 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[jerrygordon3]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Expounding on @Pumpernickel's last post, can you elaborate^^?  How is she good to you, what makes her such a catch?

I have a feeling how you will respond as eastern European women, generally speaking, tend to take very good care of their men sexually, they tend to be submissive and allow the man to lead, which for many men is super important and makes them feel masculine and sexual.

And of course this is powerful and can blind you to the negative aspects of the relationship as well as her nature and personality that have nothing to do with her culture.

 

 

I'm not into that. Most guys like tiny little women so they can feel powerful too. I tend to go for taller, larger women. I have no issue with any kind of equality or searching for something to make me feel like a man. i've never had trouble meeting good looking women and dont need someone to make me feel anything. I just want someone who is kinky a little bit and treats me with respect. it's easy to find a pretty face, a good person not so much.

[jerrygordon3]

On 1/20/2022 at 9:21 AM, normal person said:

 

 

Everyone's a genius in a bull market. What you should keep in mind is that the market has been straight up for about a year and half now. Things can reverse and you can be facing a pretty significant correction at any time now, especially considering the pandemic, political turmoil, Russia/Ukraine, a million other things I have no comprehension of, etc. That's another thing to keep in mind, OP. Can you trade a bear market? Or a market without much movement? How will your relationship with this woman be affected if you aren't making $X, or worse, losing it? Congratulations if you and others have had success so far, but please be cautious and consider that things won't always be this good. 

90% of my trading is short. I seldom take long trades unless the indexes are coming off a multi week sell off and have held strong demand levels

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

. I'm paying utilties and all groceries . So theres no mortgage or rent. 

Do you have a rental agreement? Since you are just chipping in for groceries and utilities, she can oust you at any time. 

You're basically camping out in her place.  Even though there is no mortgage there's taxes upkeep and everything else.

You're in a very precarious position without a job, car or place to live.

[czanclus]

On 1/21/2022 at 3:21 AM, jerrygordon3 said:

She doesnt ask for jewelry, clothes, shopping, or nice dinners. 

How magnanimously considerate of her. All she asks for is that you put yourself out on the limb in the competitive job market and make sure that she has all the utilities paid, toiletries paid, meals paid (or does she cook and make the best of basic ingredients found at the local produce market?), roof over her head in perpetuity, transportation paid, twice a month eating out, maybe even some basic clothes replacement, but not staples of vanity like makeup. Does she cut her own hair? My God what passes as dateable in today's world. And what gets passed over as 'too independent'... 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, czanclus said:

How magnanimously considerate of her. All she asks for is that you put yourself out on the limb in the competitive job market and make sure that she has all the utilities paid, toiletries paid, meals paid (or does she cook and make the best of basic ingredients found at the local produce market?), roof over her head in perpetuity, transportation paid, twice a month eating out, maybe even some basic clothes replacement, but not staples of vanity like makeup. Does she cut her own hair? My God what passes as dateable in today's world. And what gets passed over as 'too independent'... 

In part, women have these expectations because there are men who are willing to trade money for a beautiful girlfriend/sex - as such, they accommodate and excuse all kinds of ridiculous behavior…

Just be honest with yourself OP. You know what her currency is and she knows what your currency is - say what you will, this is a transactional relationship. 

You know what she expects and if you are willing to pay up, then there shouldn’t be a problem. If you don’t agree to her terms, you need to make a different decision for yourself. 

[IrinaM]

Quote

my apartment + taxis to come see her everyday cost me about 600$/month. I'm paying utilties and all groceries and I would say it's about 700$/month. So theres no mortgage or rent. Its much less money.

I'm so confused by the housing situation here.

1. do you two live together?

2. do either of you make a monthly housing payment of any sort?

also just curious, how long have you two been dating?

[spiderowl]

On 1/19/2022 at 9:53 AM, jerrygordon3 said:

she's really good to me. shes not a dead beat either. She loves to travel. Shes articulate and interesting. I mean the overall relationship is good and she's a catch. But if i wanted to travel in the future with her the expenses would be mainly on my shoulders. If we stay together the rent and groceries, dinners, and all outings and most of other expenses are paid by me. Shes Ukrainian. It's normal here as men are generally expected to be the sole providers. It's the same in Asian countries and most parts of South America. That's fine, I get it. But that doesn't make it easier. It would be nice to feel like it was equally shared as Im from the US and am used to that. Numbeo quotes living costs here 500~ without rent, however even a single person can easily go through 2k/month and 2k/month is my budget. 

It doesn't matter what is 'expected' from men in her country; what matters is how much of the load is shared between you.  You have retired and yet you feel she needs more of an income.  Is she aware of your income?  If she is, she should be considering how you are both going to manage in future.  Is she a pretty woman who is expecting to be cared for by her man?  It sounds like it.  You need to ask yourself whether you want someone pretty but expensive or someone who is going to share the workload with you.  If you want her to share more, you need to encourage her to do more and you also need to do your bit.  It sounds like your retirement would be great for a single person but is not going to be enough to build a future with another person.  Does she want children, for example?

[spiderowl]

On 1/20/2022 at 1:24 PM, jerrygordon3 said:

my naive decision was planned over 2 years and I saved 50k. I have a disability pension from the military thats 4-5 times more than the average salary in the countries Im living in. But I have a GF who wants me to be a full time provider.

I'm trying my best but when I bring up finances she scolds me. gives me silent treatment. we are living together now but if I didnt offer to pay for even lets say her make up when we went shopping she might have to "rethink the relationship" because she needs a man.

she would go silent for a week and then i would find out once we got back together she was back on tinder. she has 2 IG accounts and I dont know of one. 2 phones, both with locks and no notifications. but has always had nice things.

that being said her and her entire family are all over me and its obvious she loves me.

But I dont trust her all the time because it just seems like she knows she has options.

I mean she doesnt post anything about us on social media and thats fine but shes explicitly asked me not to post anything about us no MY social media. When I vent about getting screwed by my HOA and my house auctioned whilst im in works to sell it for a 6 figure profit she cries, tells me she  must be putting too much pressure on me, then turns around and starts laughing and rolling her eyes talking about how she doesnt know if she should be relying on me so much because its obviously too much. that she has a lot to think about. and that a woman complains about her day.

She also is amazing to me in a lot of ways most of the time. BUT, when she gets mad I feel like all bets are off, she will rethink the entire relationship and history has shown if she doesnt get what she wants why not just jump back on tinder.

I dont feel like I can rely on her if things go south, thats all im saying. she has secrets, and I mean, we live in her apartment. which is probably 4x more expensive than the average apartment. its super nice. and it was paid for by her ex. who lived in a different country. who thought she loved him. who she saw 1 time a year maybe twice. sent her money every month, and paid about 100k for a custom flat for her. then she dumped him when she met me because she realized that she didnt love him and didnt want to do a long distance relationship.

I mean I get it in some small ways, but this guy got absolutely screwed and was writing her love letters saying he was going to kill himself. I only found out about this after we had told each other that we love each other. I see that she has the capability to bounce around when it suits her. And shes financially going through a tough time, whats to say im not just filling a role until she cant find someone better.

I mean, her mom wants us to get married and her family loves me to death and im involved on a level that no other guy has been. but im not a baller and she at the very minimum wants a guy to be the bread winner. even if i look past the sketchy past and say, okay we all make mistakes.

But little things like, her saying never post anything with us together on SM please. people here hate me and will try and cause problems. and saying even if we got married she wouldnt post the wedding on SM just because she wants things to be private.

I mean im trying not to succumb to the writing on the wall but it just seems a tiny bit weird, no?

Can you not see all the red flags here?  It sounds like at a minimum she is a someone who expects the man to be the breadwinner and you don't really want that, or worse, a user who is holding you to ransom.  If you don't want to be the breadwinner, then don't go ahead with this.  You don't trust her and with good reason.

[poppyfields]

>>I'm trying my best but when I bring up finances she scolds me. gives me silent treatment. <<

I missed this^ comment, wow...

Come on man, get yourself together, this is flat-out unacceptable no matter what her culture. 

At this point, this isn't even about her anymore, it's about YOU and why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way? 

Nevermind her, look within, explore your own motivations and what draws you into this toxic mess. 

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

At this point, this isn't even about her anymore, it's about YOU and why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way? 

 

This.  OP, some people will treat you as badly as you allow them to do.  At some point you have to make it clear that you won't be disrespected and you'll leave if it continues.  There's really no compromising on this issue.

[Pumpernickel]

10 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

At some point you have to make it clear that you won't be disrespected and you'll leave if it continues. 

This. Also - talking about “leave” ——> why are you still in the country? Do you still feel safe in general? The U.S. are planning on evacuating diplomats as early as this week. Just throwing this out there.