being the sole provider and not being successful

[jerrygordon3]

23 hours ago, IrinaM said:

i think there's two separate issues here, one is that this lifestyle simply doesn't allow you to do everything you thought it would. honestly, i think you went into this "quitting your job" thing very naive.

if your girlfriend left you tomorrow, your situation is still not great. you are having trouble getting all the bills paid on just your income, which is a problem with a girlfriend or without  one.

my naive decision was planned over 2 years and I saved 50k. I have a disability pension from the military thats 4-5 times more than the average salary in the countries Im living in. But I have a GF who wants me to be a full time provider.

I'm trying my best but when I bring up finances she scolds me. gives me silent treatment. we are living together now but if I didnt offer to pay for even lets say her make up when we went shopping she might have to "rethink the relationship" because she needs a man.

she would go silent for a week and then i would find out once we got back together she was back on tinder. she has 2 IG accounts and I dont know of one. 2 phones, both with locks and no notifications. but has always had nice things.

that being said her and her entire family are all over me and its obvious she loves me.

But I dont trust her all the time because it just seems like she knows she has options.

I mean she doesnt post anything about us on social media and thats fine but shes explicitly asked me not to post anything about us no MY social media. When I vent about getting screwed by my HOA and my house auctioned whilst im in works to sell it for a 6 figure profit she cries, tells me she  must be putting too much pressure on me, then turns around and starts laughing and rolling her eyes talking about how she doesnt know if she should be relying on me so much because its obviously too much. that she has a lot to think about. and that a woman complains about her day.

She also is amazing to me in a lot of ways most of the time. BUT, when she gets mad I feel like all bets are off, she will rethink the entire relationship and history has shown if she doesnt get what she wants why not just jump back on tinder.

I dont feel like I can rely on her if things go south, thats all im saying. she has secrets, and I mean, we live in her apartment. which is probably 4x more expensive than the average apartment. its super nice. and it was paid for by her ex. who lived in a different country. who thought she loved him. who she saw 1 time a year maybe twice. sent her money every month, and paid about 100k for a custom flat for her. then she dumped him when she met me because she realized that she didnt love him and didnt want to do a long distance relationship.

I mean I get it in some small ways, but this guy got absolutely screwed and was writing her love letters saying he was going to kill himself. I only found out about this after we had told each other that we love each other. I see that she has the capability to bounce around when it suits her. And shes financially going through a tough time, whats to say im not just filling a role until she cant find someone better.

I mean, her mom wants us to get married and her family loves me to death and im involved on a level that no other guy has been. but im not a baller and she at the very minimum wants a guy to be the bread winner. even if i look past the sketchy past and say, okay we all make mistakes.

But little things like, her saying never post anything with us together on SM please. people here hate me and will try and cause problems. and saying even if we got married she wouldnt post the wedding on SM just because she wants things to be private.

I mean im trying not to succumb to the writing on the wall but it just seems a tiny bit weird, no?

Edited January 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[jerrygordon3]

22 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I have the solution...be positive. Communicate with her in a way she understands best, and have a plan for the present and future. Work together. Stop focusing on the negative. 

I talked with her 2 days ago and asked her when she starts working again this week ( after not working for 2 months because of some religious law I dont understand), how shes going to spend the money and she says she'll pay her friend back that she owes 15k to. and that she will keep some money for herself for women needs. I just said dont give your friend all your money because it's going to make things harder for me. I'm only making about 2k a month ( average salary here is 500$/mo) and 2k/mo actually doesnt go very far in this city. I would say 2.2k actually. and it's not bad! I have a beautfiul woman who treats me really well and loves me, but she also can be the biggest dick ever. case in point after our conversation about finances she treated me like i was a whiny little boy who couldnt provide for 24 hours.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

we live in her apartment.

Ok, then you can just move out and be done with it. There's quite a long list of complaints and character assassinations, so why bother trying to force this to work? 

Perhaps find an affordable place for yourself, save some money and have some peace of mind. 

You're not married or trapped by any means, so you can simply say it's not working and walk away.

[jerrygordon3]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, then you can just move out and be done with it. There's quite a long list of complaints and character assassinations, so why bother trying to force this to work? 

Perhaps find an affordable place for yourself, save some money and have some peace of mind. 

You're not married or trapped by any means, so you can simply say it's not working and walk away.

character assassinations... I dont want to be the kind of guy who talks crap about his GF because of her past. or because of the things shes done to me. maybe I need to just forgive her and choose to trust her. I feel like an a**h*** now

[chillii]

l dunno man , even from your last few posts , just why? She'll be making you eat dirt forever . That's not love and treating you well it's reverse physiology designed to make you for some strange reason, feel privileged to pay for her and like a piece of shyt if you don't or complain.  

[normal person]

15 hours ago, Foxhall said:

How is this going for you?

I probably have enough bad habits without this one,  but could always be persuaded if the right opening was there.

 

12 hours ago, czanclus said:

I - a middle aged woman - who took till the age of 42 to pay off her student loans and car note, have upon this major milestone turned to the stock market in desperate hope of beefing up my at that time non-existent retirement fund.  My knowledge of finances is low level elementary, and it's been... interesting. But really, turned out leaps better than if I had kept the money in the money market account. Wouldn't be so bold as to quit my job and go into day trading, but if you haven't put your money into index funds, you are losing out. I'll report back at the end of the year, but so far hoping to make 12% return overall.

 

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

oh dude I know all too  well. Im insane about it. I studied 16+ hours a day for the first 6 months and eat sleep breathe this s*** and i still haven't found consistency. I';m about 1.5 years in and do it every day, log everything, screen shots, notes, youtube videos, back testing, mentorships. I do it all. it's hands down the hardest thing ive learned how to do because its like 90% emotions. 

Everyone's a genius in a bull market. What you should keep in mind is that the market has been straight up for about a year and half now. Things can reverse and you can be facing a pretty significant correction at any time now, especially considering the pandemic, political turmoil, Russia/Ukraine, a million other things I have no comprehension of, etc. That's another thing to keep in mind, OP. Can you trade a bear market? Or a market without much movement? How will your relationship with this woman be affected if you aren't making $X, or worse, losing it? Congratulations if you and others have had success so far, but please be cautious and consider that things won't always be this good. 

[czanclus]

23 minutes ago, normal person said:

Everyone's a genius in a bull market. What you should keep in mind is that the market has been straight up for about a year and half now.

Yeah, no, I was neither advertising myself as a genius nor advising stock market as primary source of income. It was for me a better choice than 0.4% money market (guaranteed) returns. Other than that, my basic knowledge contains the notion of 'three fund portfoliio' and that is how I'm betting my Roth money. Other money... willing to let it ride for a good part of the next decade. Maybe get advice from people like you if the funds grow and I actually have future livelihood at stake.

[AngryGromit]

On 1/18/2022 at 5:00 PM, jerrygordon3 said:

I recently quit my 6 figure job to travel the world and teach myself how to trade the stock market--

So you retired early?  You need a lot of money in the stock market to make a living off it, and if you want to survive in the long haul, safe stable investments are the way to do it. Day traders usually don't fare well long term.  I would consider what you did very risky, your not even an expert in the market and you quit your job to "learn" how to do it. If you want to learn how to invest in the stock market, I would highly suggest you get on a virtual trading website. This way you can buy and sell stock virtually, without actually using real money to do it. This way mistakes you make and big losses you incur, teach you how the market works, pain free.  I wouldn't invest anything outside of stable mutual funds till you understand when to buy, sell, hold, short positions, what commissions are going to cost you, etc. And not to invest in anything you don't completely understand and trade virtually to get the hang of it before investing real money. Way too many people looked at the market to fund there early retirement dream, only to realize they were looking at the market with rose colored glasses, if they needed 10% return on investments to fund there retirement and a downturn in the market only nets them 5% a year, the dream can turn into a nightmare real quick. 

 

As for your relationship status. she's got a good thing going, your an American that covers all the bills, if your OK with that, then life is good. What field were you in making 6 figure salary before, that's going to greatly determine what online jobs you get. You mentioned your pension, but not social security, so I would guess your not eligible yet, how many more years you have before you can get the minimum  Social security benefits? 

Edited January 20, 2022 by AngryGromit

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I talked with her 2 days ago and asked her when she starts working again this week ( after not working for 2 months because of some religious law I dont understand), how shes going to spend the money and she says she'll pay her friend back that she owes 15k to. and that she will keep some money for herself for women needs. I just said dont give your friend all your money because it's going to make things harder for me. I'm only making about 2k a month ( average salary here is 500$/mo) and 2k/mo actually doesnt go very far in this city. I would say 2.2k actually. and it's not bad! I have a beautfiul woman who treats me really well and loves me, but she also can be the biggest dick ever. case in point after our conversation about finances she treated me like i was a whiny little boy who couldnt provide for 24 hours.

Well then you need to lighten the load and boot her to the curb. 

[AngryGromit]

2 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

my naive decision was planned over 2 years and I saved 50k. I have a disability pension from the military thats 4-5 times more than the average salary in the countries Im living in. 

You have to be very careful when you read about XYZ country and average salary is $500 a month, thinking you could live like a king in $2k. Those numbers are  based on how the locals live, smallest apartment, no A/C, 5 flights of stairs with no elevator, eating local food. When you apply your American standards of living, Larger apartment with a view, Central Air, Elevator, Americanize food, the cost of living increase dramatically in those countries you thought were cheap place to retire in.  Yes it's possible to live cheaply, but as a local, not a spoiled American that expects reliable power infrastructural that doesn't go out a couple times a day and a modern highway system.  For your posts, I would guess your somewhere in Russia, they generally have more modern infrastructure than say Latin america where the power fails happen often, especially outside the larger cities. . 

Edited January 20, 2022 by AngryGromit

[jerrygordon3]

41 minutes ago, AngryGromit said:

So you retired early?  You need a lot of money in the stock market to make a living off it, and if you want to survive in the long haul, safe stable investments are the way to do it. Day traders usually don't fare well long term.  I would consider what you did very risky, your not even an expert in the market and you quit your job to "learn" how to do it. If you want to learn how to invest in the stock market, I would highly suggest you get on a virtual trading website. This way you can buy and sell stock virtually, without actually using real money to do it. This way mistakes you make and big losses you incur, teach you how the market works, pain free.  I wouldn't invest anything outside of stable mutual funds till you understand when to buy, sell, hold, short positions, what commissions are going to cost you, etc. And not to invest in anything you don't completely understand and trade virtually to get the hang of it before investing real money. Way too many people looked at the market to fund there early retirement dream, only to realize they were looking at the market with rose colored glasses, if they needed 10% return on investments to fund there retirement and a downturn in the market only nets them 5% a year, the dream can turn into a nightmare real quick. 

 

As for your relationship status. she's got a good thing going, your an American that covers all the bills, if your OK with that, then life is good. What field were you in making 6 figure salary before, that's going to greatly determine what online jobs you get. You mentioned your pension, but not social security, so I would guess your not eligible yet, how many more years you have before you can get the minimum  Social security benefits? 

im 35 dude lol, and I was a nurse and before combat medic ( corpsman). I actually trade sim daily, I dont trade real money anymore because I blew up my first 25k account. I have money in investments and indexes i dont touch, once Im a better trader I will fund a 2-3k account and try again with real money. 

 

[czanclus]

2 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

But little things like, her saying never post anything with us together on SM please. people here hate me and will try and cause problems. and saying even if we got married she wouldnt post the wedding on SM just because she wants things to be private. I mean im trying not to succumb to the writing on the wall but it just seems a tiny bit weird, no?

Feel free to indulge yourself in understatements ("tiny bit??"), but to me this seems like laying a foundation for seamless monkeybranching. You're good for the time being, while she doesn't have better options, and her age is likely still letting her get away with this detached disposition. Her insistence on zero presence as a couple on social media is unreasonable. I totally get when people deliberately choose not to disclose being in a non-married relationship to coworkers and bosses because the society is still incredibly judgmental and one should avoid exposing themselves in a precarious light in which they are judged as 'incapable of matrimonial heteronormative unions' and the best they can do is some vague domestic partnership. Fine, but that's for work, and we most of us need our jobs and positive accompanying reputations at our jobs. She has no justification for this level of hesitance in front of her social media friends. It's about her fronting the single status. Don't show up for that humiliation. I've been on the receiving end of it, and it was awful. Strategically extract yourself from the drama that this woman seems to thrive on. I know it's hard going alone, but really ask yourself if it's worth it. There are, I assure you, more grateful women out there. She can have Tinder while the pickings are still available, but give her 5 years, and she'll be washed out and begging you or a man like you to take her back. Do better than that.

[vla1120]

On 1/19/2022 at 7:25 AM, jerrygordon3 said:

 

let me rephrase. she hasnt been always good to me. she frequently gets upset about things. usually regarding finances. and even though i give her cash and take us out and pay for everything she still gets upset if I bring up the need for her to work a little. she also is an expert at somehow making everything about her if I even slightly hit any of her buttons. so last night, the second I talked about being financially stressed and that she needs to work turned into a 2 day fight with her pretty much acting cold and despondent. even sort of laughed it off today. just super disrepesctful 

You sound like you are in the same position my ex-husband is in (and has been for the past 8 years.) He went from me (a hardworking breadwinner) to his girlfriend (never worked a day in her life, likes the "good things" in life, and wants to be taken care of.)  Now, he's stuck in that relationship, afraid to leave her because she depends so much on his income. This seems like a no-brainer to me. Either turn and run (and remain financially independent and easily be able to care for your own needs), or be prepared to come out of retirement and take care of her needs for the rest of your/her life. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I dont want to be the kind of guy who talks crap about his GF because of her past. or because of the things shes done to me. 

Just move out. Nothing is keeping you there. It's her place her ex bought for her. Find other accommodations.

Don't just camp out there and seethe about how materialistic, flakey, moody, etc., etc., she is. 

You're not a prisoner or a victim. it's as simple as moving out to a place you can afford on your own without her.

[Calmandfocused]

I must admit that I’m quite alarmed at the amount of responses who are encouraging the Op to Put Up and Shut Up with his Gf’s treatment of him simply because “That is her culture”. I’m paraphrasing but that is the general message. 
 

Maybe it’s different in the rest of the world but in the U.K. that attitude would be classified as discriminatory. There is a strong emphasise on inclusion here  - eg respecting diversity and the cultural values of non - British natives. 
 

Just because the op is not Ukrainian and is in her country  it does not mean that he is legally bound to financially support his girlfriend. His needs are as equally important as hers and should not be disregarded just because he is in “her country”. 
 

 

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I must admit that I’m quite alarmed at the amount of responses who are encouraging the Op to Put Up and Shut Up with his Gf’s treatment of him simply because “That is her culture”. I’m paraphrasing but that is the general message. 

Just because the op is not Ukrainian and is in her country  it does not mean that he is legally bound to financially support his girlfriend. His needs are as equally important as hers and should not be disregarded just because he is in “her country”. 

Hi Calm, I did not read where anyone was encouraging this ^ including myself.  Speaking for myself, I was simply letting him know that the reason she feels as she does is because that is how and what she was raised to believe (i.e. her culture).

Unless I missed something (which is possible) no one advised or even suggested he needed to "put up or shut up" or that he is legally bound to financially support her.  He is free to leave anytime if this is not something that is acceptable to him.

SHE isn't changing, that's for darn sure.  

So it's his choice, accept the ways of her culture or leave and find a woman who's attitude and mindset are more on par with his own.

 

Edited January 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[chillii]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I must admit that I’m quite alarmed at the amount of responses who are encouraging the Op to Put Up and Shut Up with his Gf’s treatment of him simply because “That is her culture”. I’m paraphrasing but that is the general message. 
 

Maybe it’s different in the rest of the world but in the U.K. that attitude would be classified as discriminatory. There is a strong emphasise on inclusion here  - eg respecting diversity and the cultural values of non - British natives. 
 

Just because the op is not Ukrainian and is in her country  it does not mean that he is legally bound to financially support his girlfriend. His needs are as equally important as hers and should not be disregarded just because he is in “her country”. 
 

 

 

Ha , me too. Hardly anyone's talking about the kind of partner she actually is and would be, which doesn't sound like any partner l'd want in life l'll say that much. lt's one thing being the provider but expected to fork out put up and shut up while Her Majesty sits on the almighty toosh complaining anytime he doesn't come up with the goods and treating him the way she does when, that is not a nice woman,person or partner in life. instead they're all worried about his financial situation and him  being able to make enough for the honor of paying for her and being treated and living that way.

Go figure.

 

 

 

 

[Yosemite]

10 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I mean, we live in her apartment. which is probably 4x more expensive than the average apartment. its super nice. and it was paid for by her ex. who lived in a different country. who thought she loved him. who she saw 1 time a year maybe twice. sent her money every month, and paid about 100k for a custom flat for her. then she dumped him when she met me because she realized that she didnt love him and didnt want to do a long distance relationship. I mean I get it in some small ways, but this guy got absolutely screwed and was writing her love letters

Lol

Quote

I mean, her mom wants us to get married

Of course she does. 

Quote

I mean im trying not to succumb to the writing on the wall

Why? You should succumb; it's obvious what's going on here. You could've been a sugar daddy in the US, you didn't have to go all the way to the Ukraine to date an escort. 

How old is she, how long have you been dating, and how did you meet?

How did you find out about her secret Instagram acct?

She got $100K+ out of the previous guy, I guess time will tell how much money she'll get out of you. 

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

Why? You should succumb; it's obvious what's going on here. You could've been a sugar daddy in the US, you didn't have to go all the way to the Ukraine to date an escort. 

How old is she, how long have you been dating, and how did you meet?

How did you find out about her secret Instagram acct?

She got $100K+ out of the previous guy, I guess time will tell how much money she'll get out of you. 

Apparently I have not read all the posts! 

[BaileyB]

It’s difficult to believe that a man could be this gullible, but here you are - living in the apartment that was financed by her last romantic interest with a woman who punishes you when you complain about the fact that you don’t have the money to keep her in the lifestyle that she believes she deserves. And still, you say this - 

12 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

maybe I need to just forgive her and choose to trust her.

You would be very unwise to do so. 

 

[chillii]

Yeah exactly, not even mentioning her other tricks, lm glad somebody could be bothered reminding him of though.

[balletomane]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Calm, I did not read where anyone was encouraging this ^ including myself.  Speaking for myself, I was simply letting him know that the reason she feels as she does is because that is how and what she was raised to believe (i.e. her culture).

Unless I missed something (which is possible) no one advised or even suggested he needed to "put up or shut up" or that he is legally bound to financially support her.  He is free to leave anytime if this is not something that is acceptable to him.

SHE isn't changing, that's for darn sure.  

So it's his choice, accept the ways of her culture or leave and find a woman who's attitude and mindset are more on par with his own.

 

She says it's her culture. I'm not convinced. Is it also her culture to borrow 15k off friends? That's a substantial sum. I'm getting the impression that she's financially not very responsible and is using culture as a get-out clause, hoping the OP doesn't know enough Ukrainian families to challenge her.

[jerrygordon3]

all very good advice. 

She does spells and stuff. so does her mom. It's their work. And it's surprisingly profitable. But at the same time when we met I understood she has no problem leaving people. But any time I've talked about leaving or even been slightly rude to her ( which i did because she did it first) she sobs. She thinks I want to leave and continue traveling and doesnt feel secure sometimes. when we fight she brings it up and puts words in my mouth. so i started just agreeing with her out of frustration. literally just repeating everything she was saying. and then she has a meltdown and sobs. I know she loves me. I also know her mentality. her recent IG post is a photo of a mans fist laying on the ground and a womans heel standing on it to lift her up. " no caption needed" she says. She told me she has 2 IG accounts. 1 to check on people"". she asked me not to post anything of us, but we live together. we've been dating for 6 months. and she does post stories on IG where you can see my hands at the dinner table for instance. I have big hands and tattoos so it's obvious Im a man. BUT, sounds to me im calling these bread crumbs a meal. they aren't and she does totally keep up the single girl facade. 

 

I know she loves me-- I know she has options-- I know in the past if I didnt pay or offer to pay for little things she would back off and ghost me for a week and then when we were suddenly happily back together I would see Tinder notifications on her phone--- I know she respects me in some ways, but I know she has no problems acting in her own interests. So more or less the signals Im getting is that she loves me and wants to be with me and work things out but expects me to be a provider. She doesnt ask for jewelry, clothes, shopping, or nice dinners. 

 

she wants flowers once in a while, a nice dinner maybe once a month, and to go out 1 or 2 times a month and spend 100 bucks out on the town. shes financially low maintenance. My issue, is that when i bring up finances or bring up the fact I might need help from her end it starts a fight and she says she worries shes putting too much pressure on me and becomes really... despondent. 

And I mean the no posting on IG makes me think she doesnt want to fully commit but I know a ton of girls here who are in relationships and they dont post anything except them looking super hot"" at a pool or something. all women in this country care about it their image and showing that they have status. It's systemic and literally constant. zero variations. even the grandmas have the Ipones. everyone has to have an iphone. its a status thing. I have a 100$ s*** android I bought 2nd hand in albania a year ago with a cracked screen. I can afford an Iphone, but thats not the kind of person I am.

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

 we live together. we've been dating for 6 months. 

Way too much way too soon. Move out. You're not compatible. You keep beating her up with your issues and complaints.

You're not a hostage or victim. Stop enjoying the sex and hospitality and her place if all you do is complain about how horrible she is.

 Get your own place.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

shes financially low maintenance.

No, she is not. This is a very transactional relationship. You know what she expects from you, money. When you stop paying, she ghosts you. What you are describing is very manipulative behavior from this woman - 

3 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I know in the past if I didnt pay or offer to pay for little things she would back off and ghost me for a week and then when we were suddenly happily back together I would see Tinder notifications on her phone---

Not only does she ghost you, I’m assuming she is looking for her next victim while she was gone.