Should I just give up

[Dadari83]

I (F38) have been dating my Bf (39) for two years. We are both divorced, I have 1 Son(9) he has two boys (16/13) his boys live with their mom at the moment but should live with him after this summer.

We work for foreign departments of different countries, met in 1 country, had a wonderful relationship then in September he was moved abroad for 6 months. At this point we sat down and decided that we would see each other every few months and that in 2023 I would be moving wherever he would be posted to live with him. 

Why 2023? Because he should get custody of his sons in the Summer of 2022 and I would like for him to have some time alone with his kids, since they have not lived together for so many years, and his parenting differs so much from his ex-wife, I just didn’t want to be involved in that situation. 

In Nov 2021 I flight to the country where he is stationed, and it was wonderful, and so was our LDR, then December rolled and his kids went for xmas vacations to him and he barely spoke to me, he hasn’t told his kids about my existence because he is scared that if the mom finds out she will try to keep the kids with her. But it hurt. We went from speaking 2 3 times a day to just a good morning/good night text. Then on NYE when I hadn’t heard from him I wished him a happy NY, he said tx I told him I felt him a bit off and he said he didn’t want to talk about it at that point but that he was thinking about his life, that he didn’t feel like he had nothing to offer me, that he sucked at LDR, and that’s why his marriage ended in divorce (his ex-wife cheated on him) and that I deserved better. That we should talk after the 7th when his kids would leave. I told him that we better talk on the 9th, since I was on holidays and I rather be at home when we had the talk. 

The 9th rolled around and as soon as I woke up I found a txt from him, saying that it had been hard for him to not talk to me but he was respecting my non-contact request (I never said no contact..but hey..) 

We talked and it was like if nothing had happened, then I started the conversation about his text and I asked him if he wanted to break up or if we were going to keep working towards our goal, I told him I felt hurt that he compared me to his ex-wife, since my values are the opposite and that if he did prefer his life without me I would not beg anyone for their love and he would be free. He said that no, that we should work towards our goal.

However, since the 9th I feel our conversations are forced. He is going out more and more and he is just distant. 

I do not know what to do. I don’t know if I should push him and ask him what’s going on, if I should just be patience and let him come out of this weird stage he is at. 

In the meanwhile, I have thrown myself into eating healthy, working out and working on my spiritual side, but as much as I keep myself busy with everything (on top I am a single mom and I work fulltime) I have this nagging feeling of restlessness… and it bugs me cause he used to be a source of peace for me, I never doubted anything about this relationship…whilst now it just gives me headaches. 

Is this just a phase? Can things get better or should I just give up?

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Dadari83 said:

In the meanwhile, I have thrown myself into eating healthy, working out and working on my spiritual side, but as much as I keep myself busy with everything (on top I am a single mom and I work fulltime) I have this nagging feeling of restlessness… and it bugs me cause he used to be a source of peace for me, I never doubted anything about this relationship…whilst now it just gives me headaches. 

Sorry this is happening. You're doing all the right things.

Yes, reflect and step back and decide if his hot/cold behavior is something you want complicating your life.

[glows]

18 hours ago, Dadari83 said:

I (F38) have been dating my Bf (39) for two years. We are both divorced, I have 1 Son(9) he has two boys (16/13) his boys live with their mom at the moment but should live with him after this summer.

We work for foreign departments of different countries, met in 1 country, had a wonderful relationship then in September he was moved abroad for 6 months. At this point we sat down and decided that we would see each other every few months and that in 2023 I would be moving wherever he would be posted to live with him. 

Why 2023? Because he should get custody of his sons in the Summer of 2022 and I would like for him to have some time alone with his kids, since they have not lived together for so many years, and his parenting differs so much from his ex-wife, I just didn’t want to be involved in that situation. 

In Nov 2021 I flight to the country where he is stationed, and it was wonderful, and so was our LDR, then December rolled and his kids went for xmas vacations to him and he barely spoke to me, he hasn’t told his kids about my existence because he is scared that if the mom finds out she will try to keep the kids with her. But it hurt. We went from speaking 2 3 times a day to just a good morning/good night text. Then on NYE when I hadn’t heard from him I wished him a happy NY, he said tx I told him I felt him a bit off and he said he didn’t want to talk about it at that point but that he was thinking about his life, that he didn’t feel like he had nothing to offer me, that he sucked at LDR, and that’s why his marriage ended in divorce (his ex-wife cheated on him) and that I deserved better. That we should talk after the 7th when his kids would leave. I told him that we better talk on the 9th, since I was on holidays and I rather be at home when we had the talk. 

The 9th rolled around and as soon as I woke up I found a txt from him, saying that it had been hard for him to not talk to me but he was respecting my non-contact request (I never said no contact..but hey..) 

We talked and it was like if nothing had happened, then I started the conversation about his text and I asked him if he wanted to break up or if we were going to keep working towards our goal, I told him I felt hurt that he compared me to his ex-wife, since my values are the opposite and that if he did prefer his life without me I would not beg anyone for their love and he would be free. He said that no, that we should work towards our goal.

However, since the 9th I feel our conversations are forced. He is going out more and more and he is just distant. 

I do not know what to do. I don’t know if I should push him and ask him what’s going on, if I should just be patience and let him come out of this weird stage he is at. 

In the meanwhile, I have thrown myself into eating healthy, working out and working on my spiritual side, but as much as I keep myself busy with everything (on top I am a single mom and I work fulltime) I have this nagging feeling of restlessness… and it bugs me cause he used to be a source of peace for me, I never doubted anything about this relationship…whilst now it just gives me headaches. 

Is this just a phase? Can things get better or should I just give up?

It seems that his kids are reminding him of his marriage and ex. It’s a bitter pill realizing your shortcomings and the way it’s affected your family and children. I think you’re seeing close up what the divorce’s impact has on him and its ripple effects. 

My suggestion is to move only if it benefits you in other ways whether it’s regarding your career or for other personal reasons. Don’t make a romance the only reason you uproot yourself. Aim loosely for 2023 with options. 

Edited January 18, 2022 by glows

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like this relationship has run its course.  You definitely should not turn your life upside down and move far away to go live with a person who is already drifting away from you.  That would be a huge mistake.

[smackie9]

You won’t know unless you ask him. Just have a straight forward conversation with him. Tell him to stop hiding the truth from you and man up. 

[1Mind]

I think you should just speak openly and clearly. let his response dictate how you proceed. Good luck, LDR are very hard. I hope what ever happens you make the right decision.