New to dating again, is he interested or not?

[manekineko]

Hi 

I’m in my 30’s. After getting ghosted in a long term relationship recently, I’m newly back to dating. Met a guy who I got along with great, we’ve had about five dates now, each one was pretty amazing, and slept together for the first time on the last date. 
Suddenly his level of effort seems to have dropped, he hasn’t asked on another date and it’s been about three weeks now and said he was busy on a day when I asked him out. 

He still texts me daily and calls me often to chat, leaving me with some very mixed signals. He says he likes me a lot, doesn’t want a casual hook up. I haven’t dated in awhile, I’m just a bit confused on what any of this means. I can’t tell if he is interested or playing games. I also have a very anxious attachment style which hasn’t gotten any better since the end of my last relationship. Any advice would be great!! 

Edited January 17, 2022 by manekineko

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, manekineko said:

he hasn’t asked on another date and it’s been about three weeks now and said he was busy on a day when I asked him out. He still texts me daily and calls me often to chat, leaving me with some very mixed signals. He says he likes me a lot, doesn’t want a casual hook up. 

Sorry this is happening. Mixed messages. Not really about attachment style, since he texts but doesn't want to see you.

Hopefully you are still talking to and meeting others because not seeing you is not a good sign.

Try to cut to the chase and when you communicate next time, ask him out or over for dinner to gauge what's going on.

If he stalls or is busy you'll have to cut him loose.

What happened in your last relationship?

[manekineko]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Mixed messages. Not really about attachment style, since he texts but doesn't want to see you.

Hopefully you are still talking to and meeting others because not seeing you is not a good sign.

Try to cut to the chase and when you communicate next time, ask him out or over for dinner to gauge what's going on.

If he stalls or is busy you'll have to cut him loose.

What happened in your last relationship?

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it.

I generally only like to date one person at a time, but I will be open to meeting others because yes, I don't believe this is a good sign.

I did try to bring it up last week, and told him that if he's not interested in anything more that I'd be happy to remain friends as we have such a great time together, but he got upset by this. I haven't brought it up again because I didn't want to seem needy in case I was just reading the situation wrong, but he still hasn't asked me out again and I don't see the point in continuing these daily texts if they're not going to go anywhere. While I would love to get to know him more, I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to ghost him, but I don't know how to approach this situation at this point?

I still have no idea what happened in my last relationship. Everything was going so well, we had a future planned, wanted kids, the whole thing. One day, some personal issues started, he got more and more distant until he suddenly ghosted me (and our mutual friends), and nobody has heard from him since. It really screwed me up for months and I'm only just feeling whole again recently. But I guess that's why I have such anxiety in this current situation, as this is the first person I've dated since that happened.

[Happy Lemming]

48 minutes ago, manekineko said:

...he hasn’t asked on another date and it’s been about three weeks now and said he was busy on a day when I asked him out..

Three weeks seems like a long time not to see someone you are dating/sleeping with.

I can see if you both work demanding jobs and can't see each other during the week, but weekends should be perfect for various dates and adventures. 

50 minutes ago, manekineko said:

He still texts me daily and calls me often to chat, leaving me with some very mixed signals.

Yes... keeping you on the hook (as it were).  If only takes a few seconds to text and a few minutes to call and cost him nothing.  Whereas a date requires more time, effort and money. 

Do you think he is dating other people??

[introverted1]

Three weeks of daily texts and no plan to actually see other? I'd stop responding to the daily texts and see what he does.  Odds are, he'll just fade away but possibly he'll step up and make a plan. Regardless, unless you want to be a text-pal to this guy, I see no benefit in continuing a text-buddy situation.

[dramafreezone]

It sounds as though he's lost interest based on the course of events.  I would just back off and see what happens. 

Maybe you're coming off as clingy.  If you're seeing it in yourself there's a good chance he sees it.  If you know this about yourself it may be worth going to therapy.

Quote

I still have no idea what happened in my last relationship. Everything was going so well, we had a future planned, wanted kids, the whole thing.

You said you were "ghosted" in a long term relationship?  Do you mean he just stopped calling and dropped off the grid?  How long was the relationship, and how often did you see each other?  This seems odd.

Edited January 17, 2022 by dramafreezone

[manekineko]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Three weeks seems like a long time not to see someone you are dating/sleeping with.

I can see if you both work demanding jobs and can't see each other during the week, but weekends should be perfect for various dates and adventures. 

Yes... keeping you on the hook (as it were).  If only takes a few seconds to text and a few minutes to call and cost him nothing.  Whereas a date requires more time, effort and money. 

Do you think he is dating other people??

Yes, I don't think I'm asking for too much, three weeks is quite a long time. I think he is dating other people which I would have no problem with but he's not open about it so I would have no idea! He talks about how busy he is, but surely nobody is busy 7 days a week?

[manekineko]

16 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Three weeks of daily texts and no plan to actually see other? I'd stop responding to the daily texts and see what he does.  Odds are, he'll just fade away but possibly he'll step up and make a plan. Regardless, unless you want to be a text-pal to this guy, I see no benefit in continuing a text-buddy situation.

I've stopped responding here and there and he seems to get upset by this, but I don't think this is fair.. If he's so busy, I'm allowed to have a life too..

[manekineko]

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

It sounds as though he's lost interest based on the course of events.  I would just back off and see what happens. 

Maybe you're coming off as clingy.  If you're seeing it in yourself there's a good chance he sees it.  If you know this about yourself it may be worth going to therapy.

You said you were "ghosted" in a long term relationship?  Do you mean he just stopped calling and dropped off the grid?  How long was the relationship, and how often did you see each other?  This seems odd.

I'm not so much clingy as I'm just very direct in asking if he wants to hang out, or if he's still interested, but he manages to turn every question into an argument which seems so unnecessary when we're only just newly dating. He never gives me a straight answer, and acts like I'm attacking him when I'm absolutely not.

Either way, I have started therapy because of how anxious I feel in relationships or dating

Yep, and my ex dropped off the grid to me and our close circle of friends. I tried reaching out multiple times, got barely a response and never heard from him again. We were together a year and a half, and saw each other 5 times a week up until the last two months where it was once or twice a week. I don't think I will ever understand what happened or truly get over it.

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, manekineko said:

I've stopped responding here and there and he seems to get upset by this, but I don't think this is fair.. If he's so busy, I'm allowed to have a life too..

Agreed.

You don't have to be curt or rude, just slowly take longer to respond and then respond with shorter and shorter texts. Either he'll decide he wants to actually "book" some time with you, and make a date, or he just wants to waste your time with endless texting.  Whether that's because he has friend-zoned you or wants to keep you on the back burner is irrelevant. It's a time suck that does nothing to enhance the "relationship" (such as it is) and only results in you feeling bad about things and/or wondering what's going on.  Time to take back your power and engage in the way that makes sense for you.

[glows]

17 minutes ago, manekineko said:

I'm not so much clingy as I'm just very direct in asking if he wants to hang out, or if he's still interested, but he manages to turn every question into an argument which seems so unnecessary when we're only just newly dating. He never gives me a straight answer, and acts like I'm attacking him when I'm absolutely not.

I would leave it at this point. Someone who follows through and treats you well wouldn't have you hanging off of text messages. The interest would be solid. Instead of looking at texts, you're remembering fond memories or experiences during the dates you've been on together and planning new dates and activities to do with each other. 

If you can't sense that he's putting in enough effort or seems lukewarm, pass. The chemistry and attraction has to be mutual. You're not feeling it so be honest with yourself too. Him not giving you straight answers would be a serious turn off. 

 

Edited January 17, 2022 by glows

[stillafool]

I would invite him over for dinner soon and if he makes an excuse not to come over I would just next this guy.  3 weeks and he's in no hurry to see you again.  It's pretty telling how defensive he gets when you ask him questions. A guy who is interested in keeping you would have no problem answering your questions.

[Happy Lemming]

42 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I would invite him over for dinner soon and if he makes an excuse not to come over

I like this!!  This is a really good idea.  I mean you guys have slept together, so inviting him over doesn't seem out of line or inappropriate. 

Moreover, you'll have your answer as to if he is still interested or not.  Everyone has to make time to stop and eat.

Great idea @stillafool!!

[Ami1uwant]

Did he say anything about what he was doing?  
 

3 weeks ago you get into the Christmas time when families get together, people travel, friends get together.  These are too soon fir new dates to come to.

 

on the prior dates was he trying to have sex with you and you stopped him?

 

he might be dating others.  I never assume someone I’m talking to in early stages that I’m the only one.  You might Fe a second choice in this.  He’s dating someone else and see how that goes but you are a fall back option.

 

he might have noticed some differences between you and him that makes it an issue with a long term relationship like if you said you wanted kids in the next 3 years.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, manekineko said:

I'm not so much clingy as I'm just very direct in asking if he wants to hang out, or if he's still interested, but he manages to turn every question into an argument which seems so unnecessary when we're only just newly dating. He never gives me a straight answer, and acts like I'm attacking him when I'm absolutely not.

My experience dealing with people who behave this way is that they get their way all the time. So I'm guessing that's the point: if he gets upset easily and turns every legitimate inquiry into an argument, you will back down and do what he wants because you obviously don't like confrontation.

If all he's looking for is sex on demand and solely on his terms (possibly an FWB arrangement), then he's probably laying the foundation for that.

Seeing as you're not happy with the situation and trying to communicate with him does not work, I think you're best off just moving on.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, manekineko said:

 but he manages to turn every question into an argument which seems so unnecessary when we're only just newly dating. He never gives me a straight answer, and acts like I'm attacking him when I'm absolutely not.

Are you kidding?  This is the way he's acting when you've been on only 5 dates?  You have already had arguments?  It's time to RUN the other way from this guy.  There should not be this many problems with a guy who you have only been on five dates with.  Not to mention, if he isn't making any effort to actually see you in person, that kinda tells you all you need to know.  He has a low level of interest in you.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, manekineko said:

I've stopped responding here and there and he seems to get upset by this, but I don't think this is fair.. If he's so busy, I'm allowed to have a life too..

Yes, very strange. You're not looking for a textbuddy nor do you have to cyberbabysit him.

If he is not asking you out, pull back and don't let anyone text-tether you.

Keep pulling back. Send a clear message that dates are dating and texting is not dating. If he wants your company, he'll have to step up.

 

[chillii]

13 hours ago, manekineko said:

I'm not so much clingy as I'm just very direct in asking if he wants to hang out, or if he's still interested, but he manages to turn every question into an argument which seems so unnecessary when we're only just newly dating. He never gives me a straight answer, and acts like I'm attacking him when I'm absolutely not.

Either way, I have started therapy because of how anxious I feel in relationships or dating

Yep, and my ex dropped off the grid to me and our close circle of friends. I tried reaching out multiple times, got barely a response and never heard from him again. We were together a year and a half, and saw each other 5 times a week up until the last two months where it was once or twice a week. I don't think I will ever understand what happened or truly get over it.

Sorry to say but he basically gets all defensive starting shyt and turning it every which way to avoid answering the question itself.  He doesn't have an answer, bc he obviously isn't interested enough to make anything more out of it and if he hasn't even bothered to see you in 3wks well, that just confirms it. He likes the chit chat and maybe he'll bless you with his company again sometime when he feels like sleeping with you again but it's not going any further l'm afraid.

 

 

 

[bene]

Where words and actions contradict, look at actions.

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, manekineko said:

I've stopped responding here and there and he seems to get upset by this, but I don't think this is fair.. If he's so busy, I'm allowed to have a life too..

What does he do or say to make you think he's upset by your not responding?

[Ami1uwant]

16 hours ago, manekineko said:

I'm not so much clingy as I'm just very direct in asking if he wants to hang out, or if he's still interested, but he manages to turn every question into an argument which seems so unnecessary when we're only just newly dating. He never gives me a straight answer, and acts like I'm attacking him when I'm absolutely not.

Either way, I have started therapy because of how anxious I feel in relationships or dating

Yep, and my ex dropped off the grid to me and our close circle of friends. I tried reaching out multiple times, got barely a response and never heard from him again. We were together a year and a half, and saw each other 5 times a week up until the last two months where it was once or twice a week. I don't think I will ever understand what happened or truly get over it.

Turning things into an argument…is thus verbally or thru texts?  Texting loses tone in ehst you say and it matters.

 

I coukd say the same phrase two different ways and it will be interpreted two different ways.

 

here us just one e ample…

 

” Are you coming over?”  
 

I say thing verbally you might interpret happy/ joy in the tone while I say this in a grumpy voice says I really don’t want you to do this.

[manekineko]

Thank you all SO much for all of your responses.
I took the advice and asked him if he'd like to meet for dinner this week. I got the whole "I'll let you know", which then subsequently turned into yet another argument where he was gaslighting me and telling me I'm being delusional. He was being quite rude by the end of it. I ended the conversation by telling him I no longer wish to communicate with him.

I guess I'm a little naive here as I haven't been in many relationships, but with the daily texts and calls, he fact he kept saying how compatible our personalities are, on top of the fact that when I offered a FWB arrangement he got offended and upset by that.. I guess I like to believe the best in people, but I can't ignore my intuition. I'm assuming he will probably eventually text me again, as he does every time we've had an argument, but it's so true, we shouldn't even be arguing in any shape or form at this early stage. 

This may seem like a stupid question, but with all these types of games, how am I meant to know when somebody genuinely likes me?

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, manekineko said:

when I offered a FWB arrangement he got offended and upset by that.

Why did you do that?
Why did you think that was a good idea?

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, manekineko said:

I took the advice and asked him if he'd like to meet for dinner this week. I got the whole "I'll let you know", which then subsequently turned into yet another argument where he was gaslighting me and telling me I'm being delusional. He was being quite rude by the end of it. I ended the conversation by telling him I no longer wish to communicate with him.

Good call. He's a jerk. Block and delete him.

[manekineko]

33 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why did you do that?
Why did you think that was a good idea?

I guess because I'm still not 100% after my last breakup, I thought maybe it'd be less intense and easier to handle than getting into a new relationship. Honestly, no idea, the entire situation had me not thinking very clearly