I destroyed our friendship

[everythingbagel213]

I (36M) have known this girl (31F) for over 6 years. We were roommates at first, had not met before. We hit off pretty quickly and became intimate at some point, about a few months after I moved in. We would grab a bite to eat or go to the movies, I really liked her but only as a friend, and sex was great so we kept that going for a few months. 

She then confessed she had feelings for me so I wanted to put an end to it because I didn't feel the same way, but she kept coming back and I caved for longer than I'm proud of.
I had financial issues and didn't feel like moving out so I kept hoping she would get over her feelings but she never did. We were very close because I cared a lot for her and we shared many things so we lived kind of like a couple (her words) for a few years. We stopped sleeping together for good after 2 years and I finally took the courage to move out 2 years later (we lived together a total of 4 years) when my dad offered me money to buy my own condo. 

So she found an apartment of her own and then things were ok, at least that's what I thought. I couldn't bring myself to date other people because I was scared of her reaction so things stayed the way they were. We grew even closer when the pandemic hit, I would go visit her 2-3 times a week to hang out and we would talk about whatever and watch movies together. We also texted everyday from day 1, send memes and stuff. 

Now the thing is, I expressed my interest in dating at the beginning of 2021 and our friendship has been deteriorating ever since. She grew more and more insecure, saying any girl I would meet wouldn't allow us to be as close and she was scared to lose me. I never considered cutting contact as I really liked her company and she was very important to me. 

But then I met someone through a dating app a month ago and things went ugly. My date was insecure about her and would call me when I was with her, and vice-versa. I was scared of my friend being hurt so I lied about seeing my date and when she found out she lost it, she called repeatedly and then my date answered my phone (I didn't want her to but she did anyway). My friend got mad and came over, we got into a huge fight and I decided to block her to avoid any of this going any further. 

But the truth is, I'm heartbroken. I lost my friend and I feel guilty for staying so close to her while knowing she had strong feelings for me, I feel like I fed her with hopes. I saw her for the last time last week (she came over to pick up her stuff) and we were both crying, she said I destroyed her and that the idea of me seeing someone who was talking down to her without even knowing her. I have to admit that I also let my date read some of her messages and she was very hurt when I told her. 

I know I messed up very badly and I blamed her for a long time for being insecure and overdramatic but I now realize that my actions were what caused her to be like this in the first place. 

I miss her a lot. What do I do?
TLDR; I lost my friend of 6 years because I hurt her and I feel like a horrible person.

Edited January 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, everythingbagel213 said:

My friend got mad and came over, we got into a huge fight and I decided to block her to avoid any of this going any further. 

Sorry this happened buy having a FWB lurking around while you are dating others just doesn't work. Also your FWB felt led on and betrayed so that ended that. 

Try to avoid juggling women and creating so much animosity that it leads to this type of drama and confrontations.

Let the dust settle. Don't string women along in the future, because it can blow up in your face like this, unfortunately.

[glows]

What stood out to me is that you see yourself as scared and helpless. You mentioned you were “scared of [your friend’s] reaction so things stayed the way they were”.

It’s a victim mentality that you’d do better without. 

Now that you realize you’re accountable for your own actions don’t do again.

You seem drawn to attention or perhaps use female friendships like this to feel validated. Just when you might be moving on and making amends with the new person you’re seeing you’re seeking to be accepted by the friend. Tensions are running high so no, this isn’t realistic.

Some people do have expiry dates and we move on not because of any bad blood or ill feeling but your lives have evolved. Be less selfish and cut your losses. Do you see yourself moving around like this in circles or going on to have a fulfilling relationship? 

[ShyViolet]

I'm sorry but you handled this really badly.  You basically strung your friend along, for years, giving her false hopes that you might be with her.  You can't stay "friends" with someone who has feelings for you if you have no interest in a relationship.  You should have just ended the friendship and maintained appropriate boundaries.

So now "what do you do?"  You leave this woman alone, like you should have done a LONG time ago, and let her move on from this mess.  You can't stay friends with her.

[ASG]

Dude!! 

You continued to sleep with her AFTER she told you she had feelings!! And then continued being her closest friend for years after!! What were you thinking?!?! 

You could have remained friendly, but not a close friend of texting every day and visiting often! 

My ex FWB and I had a sporadic thing going on for about a year. He told me, from the get go, he did not want a relationship. I was fine with that, and believed him. 

Eventually he felt things were/could get blurry and decided to end the benefits part of the deal. I was also fine with it, because I didn't develop feelings for him (apart from lust!) and I too value our friendship more than the sex we had.

But we text every few weeks, and meet up maybe once every couple of months, or even longer. 

If we were in each others pockets the whole time, things could get really blurry! 

You continued to hang out with her, as a BF would, AFTER she told you. 

Yes, you messed this up and the only thing you can do is leave her alone!