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I feel like my boyfriend's emotional attachment to me is unhealthy. but I am not sure

secretsareallover

By secretsareallover
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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted
19 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but is this how to treat someone you supposedly love?  Is there any type of sense of wanting to work with them, help them?  

I couldn't disagree more.  He doesn't have to be abusive in order for this to be a deeply emotionally unhealthy and unsafe situation for her.  The language she is using (I feel suffocated, this feels unhealthy, "I feel like if I left him he would be destroyed and do something") shows that this has already become an emotionally unsafe situation.  She is a 23 year old girl who needs to look out for herself first and foremost.  No, it is not her job to "help" him.  That sounds dangerously like "I can fix him" talk, which we all know is completely inappropriate in a relationship.  If a partner is showing unhealthy and dysfunctional behavior then you leave.   You don't try to work on them and become their therapist.  You don't sacrifice your own emotional safety in the name of working on the other person's issues.  And it's obvious that the more she delays this and lets this drag out, the deeper he will get his claws into her and the more difficult it will be to leave.  This is something that seriously just needs the band-aid ripped off.

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dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

I couldn't disagree more.  He doesn't have to be abusive in order for this to be a deeply emotionally unhealthy and unsafe situation for her.  The language she is using (I feel suffocated, this feels unhealthy, "I feel like if I left him he would be destroyed and do something") shows that this has already become an emotionally unsafe situation.  She is a 23 year old girl who needs to look out for herself first and foremost.  No, it is not her job to "help" him.  That sounds dangerously like "I can fix him" talk, which we all know is completely inappropriate in a relationship.  If a partner is showing unhealthy and dysfunctional behavior then you leave.   You don't try to work on them and become their therapist.  You don't sacrifice your own emotional safety in the name of working on the other person's issues.  And it's obvious that the more she delays this and lets this drag out, the deeper he will get his claws into her and the more difficult it will be to leave.  This is something that seriously just needs the band-aid ripped off.

But isn't that what a relationship is, sacrifice, help in the name of the other person's issues?  It's not only enjoying the good times, it's being there for the bad. 

Otherwise what is her value, if not to be a source of support in times of need? 

I did clearly say in my first message to the OP that it's not her responsibility to fix his issues, but in a relationship I do think it's her responsibility to be supportive if he's willing to put forth the effort to help himself as well.  Helping is not the same as fixing.  

OP, only you know the whole truth which I'm sure is more than you're able to share here.  You know what the two of you have together, you have to go with what you feel is the best course of action for you and if that action honors what you've shared with him.

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balletomane Established Member

balletomane

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

But isn't that what a relationship is, sacrifice, help in the name of the other person's issues?  It's not only enjoying the good times, it's being there for the bad. 

Of course couples should support each other in time of need. But if the whole relationship only exists in the first place because of someone's need, it's a very different situation. That suggests that it's not a partnership of equals, but a case of one person clinging onto the other like a lifebelt, without any regard for who they actually are as an individual. I strongly suspect that if any other caring woman had shown interest in him, OP's boyfriend would have latched on in exactly the same way, because it's not really about her. It's about him having someone - anyone - to keep the abandonment fears at bay.

This much is obvious from the timeframe. They've barely been dating five minutes, and already they're under the same roof, with this man wanting OP to depend on him and declaring he'll die without her. Even if it's unintended and self-conscious, that's still manipulative behaviour, because it leaves her feeling guilty at the thought of breaking up. At this stage, they should still be getting to know one another. If a person's anxiety is so significant that he can't enter a relationship without rushing the woman into cohabitation, guilt-tripping her, and trying to lock her down with effusive behaviour, he owes it to himself to address those problems before he even starts to date.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

"But isn't that what a relationship is, sacrifice, help in the name of the other person's issues?  It's not only enjoying the good times, it's being there for the bad". 

^^^^That is way too much to ask of someone in a relationship that is only 6 months old. IMO the first year or so is a test run...it's a time you get to know one another and see if it's good for the long haul/compatible, not rescue them. 

dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

"But isn't that what a relationship is, sacrifice, help in the name of the other person's issues?  It's not only enjoying the good times, it's being there for the bad". 

^^^^That is way too much to ask of someone in a relationship that is only 6 months old. IMO the first year or so is a test run...it's a time you get to know one another and see if it's good for the long haul/compatible, not rescue them. 

I'm not saying that she should stay in a relationship that she's not happy in.  I'm only saying to end things in a way that's respectful of the other person (who's not going to have a say in the matter).

It is a very young relationship, but she moved in with the guy of her own volition.  She bears responsibility in large part because of that.  If they lived separately this would be a much different situation.  When living with someone it's not too much to ask to assume a greater role in that person's life, IMO, and that is a choice she made.

Our opinions are apparently irreconcilable on this issue so I won't be commenting any further.  Ultimately though, we can't apply our values to the OP's situation.  She has to do the best thing for herself.

Quote

This much is obvious from the timeframe. They've barely been dating five minutes, and already they're under the same roof, with this man wanting OP to depend on him and declaring he'll die without her. Even if it's unintended and self-conscious, that's still manipulative behaviour, because it leaves her feeling guilty at the thought of breaking up. At this stage, they should still be getting to know one another. If a person's anxiety is so significant that he can't enter a relationship without rushing the woman into cohabitation, guilt-tripping her, and trying to lock her down with effusive behaviour, he owes it to himself to address those problems before he even starts to date.

I'm just not of the belief that the OP is being victimized here, which is what the bolded sounds like.   She made a decision and all I'm saying is to see the decision through to its end responsibly.  Others disagree with my train of thought, I understand that.  I don't want to side track the thread anymore.

Edited by dramafreezone
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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I did clearly say in my first message to the OP that it's not her responsibility to fix his issues, but in a relationship I do think it's her responsibility to be supportive if he's willing to put forth the effort to help himself as well.  

 

Absolutely not.  No no no.

It's not her "responsibility" whatsoever to support him through this, if it's to the point where she feels uncomfortable, that it's an unhealthy situation and she feels suffocated in the relationship.  A person can break up with their partner at any time for any reason, and doesn't need the consent of the other person to do so.  No one is obligated to stick around in a situation that they know is unhealthy and "help" the person with their "issues."  This is so toxic.  She needs to look out for herself #1 and protect herself.

Edited by ShyViolet
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balletomane Established Member

balletomane

Posted
Posted
46 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I'm not saying that she should stay in a relationship that she's not happy in.  I'm only saying to end things in a way that's respectful of the other person (who's not going to have a say in the matter).

It is a very young relationship, but she moved in with the guy of her own volition.  She bears responsibility in large part because of that.  If they lived separately this would be a much different situation.  When living with someone it's not too much to ask to assume a greater role in that person's life, IMO, and that is a choice she made.

Our opinions are apparently irreconcilable on this issue so I won't be commenting any further.  Ultimately though, we can't apply our values to the OP's situation.  She has to do the best thing for herself.

I'm just not of the belief that the OP is being victimized here, which is what the bolded sounds like.   She made a decision and all I'm saying is to see the decision through to its end responsibly.  Others disagree with my train of thought, I understand that.  I don't want to side track the thread anymore.

What do you mean by "see the decision through to its end responsibly"? Are you suggesting that it would be irresponsible to break up, or am I misunderstanding you?

Someone doesn't have to be actively seeking to victimise his partner for the relationship to be an unhealthy one. When I was 19 years old I started dating a 24 year old guy whose behaviour was somewhat similar to what is being described here. I was quite naive and had never been in a relationship before. He was very clingy, talking about marriage on the second date, and telling me stories about all the women who'd abandoned him. He didn't physically force me into that situation, no, and in many respects he was a nice person. But as a 19 year old who had never dated before and who didn't have any of the insight that comes with age, I was way out of my depth and not equipped to handle his anxieties. I suspect this was why he was drawn to me - I was inexperienced and uncertain, whereas young women with a bit more life experience would have said a firm no to him. As there is an age gap of a decade between OP and this man, it seems likely that there's a similar dynamic here. I'm not saying that he's being predatory on purpose, but that most women in their early thirties are unlikely to entertain this sort of behaviour for long, while a younger woman who is less sure of herself just might.

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CollinW Established Member

CollinW

Posted
Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, balletomane said:

Even if it's unintended and self-conscious, that's still manipulative behaviour, because it leaves her feeling guilty at the thought of breaking up.

I agree with a lot of what you're saying but this is silly and I really hate this rhetoric. 

A person's consequential feelings are not always the responsibility of the other party. Everybody has different perspectives and it isn't realistic that to hold someone else responsible for your guilt as a result of the dynamics of the interpersonal relationships you put yourself into. 

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Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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