I feel like my boyfriend's emotional attachment to me is unhealthy. but I am not sure

[secretsareallover]

We have been dating for half a year, I am 23 and he's 31.

I have been in very few serious relationships. As soon as we met we had a connection which I also felt. In no time we were together. We moved in pretty quickly, it kinda just happened since I started spending the whole time at his place.

 

He pays the bills and the rent, cooks, cleans. I had been insisting and I still am a lot to do my part but he will not budge. He spent a LOT of money on expensive gifts for me. I feel like I should have no problem with it, but I feel bad about it. He's not rich but earns well, a lot more than me, however I feel too spoiled. Even when he is short on money he offers to buy me stuff.

 

Emotionally he thinks I should rely on him for everything, but I also feel bad for that. I am a stressy person especially at my job and while I appreciate him listening to all of it he rarely has issues. He does EVERYTHING for me and I AM grateful but I feel like I do nothing and feel bad for it. He bends over backwards to do any little/big thing I can do myself and I feel suffocated (and guilty because of that).

 

He admitted he has some abandonment issues and I try to reassure him. He tells me that he couldn't live without me and that he's only happy with me and all of this. It feels unhealthy. I also relied on someone before for all of my happiness and ended up spiralling into a deep depression. I leaned my lesson not to do that again.

 

He talked about marriage really early (about 3 months) and at that time I was still seeing him with rosy love glasses. He still talks about it and I don't feel it. I feel guilty about this and everything else. I feel like if I left him he would be destroyed and do something and I hate that idea. I feel like now I ought to be there no matter what.

 

I tried to talk about it but he gets really emotional.

I don't know if any of this makes much sense and thank you to anyone who read this. Please give me your input.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, secretsareallover said:

We have been dating for half a year, I am 23 and he's 31.

.In no time we were together. We moved in pretty quickly, it  I feel suffocated .

Sorry this is happening. Way to much way too soon. That in itself is a red flag.

Keep in mind that quick involvement and fostering dependence are red flags for controlling relationships.

Move out asap. You're being set up for abuse.

6 mos is the getting to know you time for dating, not the move in and I'll run your life time.

Run 👟 👟. Move back home.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would be feeling absolutely suffocated by him and his overwhelming emotional neediness. 

Personally, I would not be able to continue the relationship. He's got issues you cannot fix but are already bearing the buden of. It's going to get worse, OP. 

[elaine567]

He is 31, he is ready for marriage.
He has decided you are the one and  he is doing everything to try to keep you.
You at 23 are a prize and he doesn't want to lose you.
All his hopes and dreams are invested in you.

You are not ready for marriage, this is not the relationship for you at this time, you need to leave him asap, so he can go find someone who will appreciate his "nesting" behaviour. 

[Wiseman2]

The longer you stay the worse this oppression will get.

[glows]

4 hours ago, secretsareallover said:

We have been dating for half a year, I am 23 and he's 31.

I have been in very few serious relationships. As soon as we met we had a connection which I also felt. In no time we were together. We moved in pretty quickly, it kinda just happened since I started spending the whole time at his place.

 

He pays the bills and the rent, cooks, cleans. I had been insisting and I still am a lot to do my part but he will not budge. He spent a LOT of money on expensive gifts for me. I feel like I should have no problem with it, but I feel bad about it. He's not rich but earns well, a lot more than me, however I feel too spoiled. Even when he is short on money he offers to buy me stuff.

 

Emotionally he thinks I should rely on him for everything, but I also feel bad for that. I am a stressy person especially at my job and while I appreciate him listening to all of it he rarely has issues. He does EVERYTHING for me and I AM grateful but I feel like I do nothing and feel bad for it. He bends over backwards to do any little/big thing I can do myself and I feel suffocated (and guilty because of that).

 

He admitted he has some abandonment issues and I try to reassure him. He tells me that he couldn't live without me and that he's only happy with me and all of this. It feels unhealthy. I also relied on someone before for all of my happiness and ended up spiralling into a deep depression. I leaned my lesson not to do that again.

 

He talked about marriage really early (about 3 months) and at that time I was still seeing him with rosy love glasses. He still talks about it and I don't feel it. I feel guilty about this and everything else. I feel like if I left him he would be destroyed and do something and I hate that idea. I feel like now I ought to be there no matter what.

 

I tried to talk about it but he gets really emotional.

I don't know if any of this makes much sense and thank you to anyone who read this. Please give me your input.

Communicate with him that you are not the kind of person who relies on someone emotionally and create better boundaries.

He may balk but you will have to respect his choices also. Both of you may be incompatible. 

He has opened up to you about his abandonment issues but reinforce that you cannot make up for them nor will you. Ie. if you’d like to do your own food shopping, plan dates or trips for the two of you or prefer less flashy or expensive gifts tell him. It’s less about attacking who he is and his flaws and more about finding a middle ground. 

He thinks he’s doing you a favour and behaving like a good boyfriend but you’re the girlfriend and 50% of the equation. Start acting like it. He may not like it but remain firm. If you cannot decide to do this as a couple (his way and his issues or the highway) tell him this is not for you and wish him well.

[BaileyB]

If it doesn’t feel right, trust that feeling. 

I too would feel absolutely suffocated in this relationship. Relationships are supposed to be a partnership, and this is very one sided. I would not find it romantic or endearing that he wants to “take care of me” and “spoils me,” I would find it rather condescending and disrespectful. 

The fact that you can’t even have a conversation without this man becoming emotional is a real problem. 

Something is really off here, and I would be out. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

6 mos is the getting to know you time for dating, not the move in and I'll run your life time.

This - 

[LookingToBeFree]

Calmly tell him your moving out, and actually do it, his reaction will tell you a lot. If he freaks out and gets panicky this is a bad sign. He is love bombing and controlling your world to get you hooked, this is not love and you can feel it in your gut. This usually gets worse and not better.

[smackie9]

It is very unhealthy...it's call codependency. It's becoming toxic to you. He is already showing the signs of threatening you with "I can't live without you.." that's going to turn into "I will kill myself..." You need to tell him to get some help, and you move out. You are way too young to be wasting your life worrying about a grown man's insecurity/mental health issues. Don't worry about him, worry about yourself.

[AngryGromit]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Way to much way too soon. That in itself is a red flag.

Keep in mind that quick involvement and fostering dependence are red flags for controlling relationships.

I don't know if leaving him is warranted yet, but I'd make sure he knows that your not ready for marriage, at least not for a few years. Now if he pressures you to quit your job, then I'd consider this a big sign of him trying to control you. In this case, he would want you dependent on him for everything, which would give him a lot of control over you. If he's paying for everything, set yourself up a bank account he doesn't know about, and deposit money into it over time, make sure any statements of notices are sent vie email, build your self at least 10 or 20k emergency fund, more the better, so if things do go south, you have options. It the very least it will give you piece of mind if you ever had to get away, you could.   

  

Edited January 16, 2022 by AngryGromit

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

He is already showing the signs of threatening you with "I can't live without you.." that's going to turn into "I will kill myself..."

Worse case scenario - yes.

Move out OP - tell him that you think you moved too fast and you’ve decided you would like to date and slow things down. His reaction will tell you a lot. 

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, secretsareallover said:

He admitted he has some abandonment issues and I try to reassure him. He tells me that he couldn't live without me and that he's only happy with me and all of this. It feels unhealthy. I also relied on someone before for all of my happiness and ended up spiralling into a deep depression. I leaned my lesson not to do that again.

 

He needs to be in therapy, not your job to deal with his abandoment issues.

You don't want to be responsible for his happiness, no one wants that responsibility.  I don't agree with moving out right now.  That's very abrupt and would reinforce his abandoment issues, he will not take it well and that will make a huge mess of things.  I'd see if he'd be willing to go to therapy first. 

If you feel that you're personally not safe (I've not read where he's being abusive towards you), I would say leave but I don't agree with leaving relationships when things aren't going your way in the moment.  Given what you've shared about him, I think there is some moral obligation to making sure that this other person isn't in a worse place because of how you leave him.  He's not really doing anything intentionally to mistreat you, this is his stuff so seems cruel to punish him for it without trying to help.

Edited January 16, 2022 by dramafreezone

[ShyViolet]

It was a huge mistake to move in with him so fast.  Even if he was "normal" that would have been a huge mistake.  But this guy sounds absolutely manipulative, codependent and controlling.  He sounds like the kind of guy who will threaten to kill himself and stalk you if you break up with him.  You need to move out NOW.  This will only get worse, and if you let this go on, it will only become harder to leave.  Do not let him manipulate you into staying.  If he says "I can't live without you", well that's HIS problem, that is not a reason for you to stay.  That is all the more reason to leave immediately, before this guy tries to do something to not "let" you leave.  You are right, this is extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional.

[LookingToBeFree]

I would suggest doing it in steps, tell him you are going to move out because you felt you jumped the gun. This will trigger his abandonment feelings, but you can tell him your not breaking up, you just want to slow down. If he knows he still has communication with you it will alleviate a severe visceral response. But if he starts berating you or making you feel guilty, then it's time to rip off the bandaid and get yourself to safe place. He will not give up easily, be prepared for a barrage of texts and phone calls. If this happens you will know you made the right move.

[dramafreezone]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

It is very unhealthy...it's call codependency. It's becoming toxic to you. He is already showing the signs of threatening you with "I can't live without you.." that's going to turn into "I will kill myself..." You need to tell him to get some help, and you move out. You are way too young to be wasting your life worrying about a grown man's insecurity/mental health issues. Don't worry about him, worry about yourself.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but is this how to treat someone you supposedly love?  Is there any type of sense of wanting to work with them, help them?  

Moving on may eventually be the right move for her but it's really disturbing that it *seems* as though this guy is being made out to be a bad person, or that he's trying to manipulate her.  There's not always a good and a bad side, sometimes there are just deeply flawed human beings that need compassion instead of more evidence that this world is full of self-interest.  If she feels as though she is not safe then I agree moving out right away would be best, but I've not even read any hint that this guy has been abusive towards her. 

I think she has an opportunity to be a part of the solution for him instead of part of his cycle, even if they don't go on to be a couple much longer.  He's ultimately responsible for his issues, but we all need help at times handling them, not only professional/expert help, but also compassion and support.

Edited January 16, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, secretsareallover said:

We have been dating for half a year, I am 23 and he's 31.We moved in pretty quickly I started spending the whole time at his place. He spent a LOT of money on expensive gifts for me. I feel suffocated. 

Where did you live before? With your parents? Slowly start moving your stuff back.

He's setting the table for something because there's no free lunch. 

Listen to your instincts, you feel suffocated because he is controlling you.

[LookingToBeFree]

dramafreezone... you are right, everyone should get a chance. But for those of us who have been involved with narcissists or borderlines, there are just some classic big red flags and the longer you stay, the deeper you get entangled in their web the harder it is to get out. This guy shows all the classic signs.

[ccas93]

10 hours ago, secretsareallover said:

He tells me that he couldn't live without me and that he's only happy with me and all of this. It feels unhealthy. I also relied on someone before for all of my happiness and ended up spiralling into a deep depression. I leaned my lesson not to do that again.

YIKES. how can you look at someone and say this to them. I cringed. 

 

10 hours ago, secretsareallover said:

He talked about marriage really early (about 3 months) and at that time I was still seeing him with rosy love glasses. He still talks about it and I don't feel it. I feel guilty about this and everything else. I feel like if I left him he would be destroyed and do something and I hate that idea. I feel like now I ought to be there no matter what.

 

I tried to talk about it but he gets really emotional.

If there's no end game you're envisioning for you guys here, probably better to end it now. He'll be more destroyed the longer you wait, and it's really not your problem if he's destroye by your decision (other than the risk of him acting psychotic). 

[dramafreezone]

18 minutes ago, LookingToBeFree said:

dramafreezone... you are right, everyone should get a chance. But for those of us who have been involved with narcissists or borderlines, there are just some classic big red flags and the longer you stay, the deeper you get entangled in their web the harder it is to get out. This guy shows all the classic signs.

I'm not saying anyone here is necessarily wrong.  Relationships are essentially social contracts.  The OP was not forced into anything her, she voluntarily chose to be in a relationship with him.  I think either side in a relationship is free to move on from it if it's no longer what they want, but it's only fair to end things in a way that's respectful of this other person (as they don't really have a say in the breakup) unless this other person violates understood tenets of respectful relationship conduct (abuse, infidelity, etc).

I just don't get the feeling that this man is being mean-spirited or intentionally mistreating her.  I think intent counts for a lot.  I don't sense that the OP interprets that his behavior is intended, and I don't sense it either.  If you love this person but don't want to proceed in the relationship, that's fine, but I think making an attempt to direct him towards the help he needs and being there for him is respectful of what they shared together.  Just leaving him to fend for himself is not, IMO.

[smackie9]

I never said he was mean spirited or a criminal.....he's got serious issues, so much so it's creating her stress/guilt, and her own mental distress. She needs to remove herself from this enviroment. She has no experience or knowledge to handle a situation like this. Now if they were in a marriage, then of course there should be some commitment to support etc, it's in their vows. They only been dating a short time (6 months!), and she truly cannot handle it anymore. She wants out and shouldn't have to feel any weight of the responsibility, it should fall on his family/friends to be there for him.

Edited January 16, 2022 by smackie9

[smackie9]

Girl you really got yourself in a bad situation. Please get out of there. Being out of that enviroment will give you some breathing room and time to reflect on what has happened.

Edited January 16, 2022 by smackie9

[Lotsgoingon]

The longer you stay, the deeper into the trap you will be.

Let me blunt: presents at this stage of a relationship MEAN NOTHING. Zip. Zero. Nothing.

The kind of present you want is to be yourself, to have freedom and not be with someone who gloms onto you. You're going to be sick of this guy in not too long, sick of him clinging to you and trying to control you. Make no mistake, all that nice stuff he does that he doesn't want you to repay--that's actually control.  

We actually have power when we give back to someone in equal measure. We feel good about giving to others. 

We do NOT want to date anyone who says they couldn't function without us. We might say that as a joke, as a way of saying, "I feel so lucky to have you." But this guy is saying it literally. Major major major major red flag. Serious insecurity and over-attachment. You can't breathe with this guy.

And relying on him for everything--absolutely and completely controlling, absurd, infantile--yes, infantile as in that's what little kids have to do. No adult does that, like those kids that can barely talk and walk. You think I'm kidding when I call this behavior infantile. Juveniles love lots of friends. He's not even at the juvenile level of maturity. 

And come on now: you fell into a deep depression in this scenario before. How many times does life have to smack you up the head before you realize something is up with you and dependent and clinging guys. Get your butt to therapy. Deal with it. Or ... yes, you will fall into another depression, this one worse because part of your brain will be saying, "why did I do a stupid thing a second time?" 

Now look, you can survive that next depression and sometimes we have to be smacked by life two or three times before we get the message. 

You need to get to a good therapist right away. The twisted element of this whole thing is that you probably feel guilty even thinking about not being with him.  Am I right? That's dysfunctional. And self-destructive. 

[LookingToBeFree]

Secretsareallover.....you have received some amazing advice and wisdom, yet there is no response from you, and that's obviously your choice. But I'm just curious, does any of this ring a bell, if so, it would be nice to hear your thoughts. 

[spiritedaway2003]

You moved in together too quickly too soon.  Two people, especially during the initial dating/honeymoon stage, most often couldn’t get enough of each other.  You are feeling suffocated this early on so your gut is telling you that this isn’t working for you. He seems like a warm guy but overly attached guy who just wants to take care of you but you are not on the same page.  It’s okay to break up and move out. You can be compassionate in a break up. It doesn’t seem like anyone is in the wrong here. You are just not on the same page is all.  Good luck.