Mumof2kids Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 Hi I need advise. I'm in my late 30s. I have 2 beautiful sons together with my partner. We have been together 11 years. Our sons are 2&3 years old. We also have a house on mortgage. I don't understand what is stopping him to get married and tie the knot? It's not like he doesn't want it to do it. He is saying he wants to marry me "one day" but needs to find a perfect moment. Always feel he is stringing me along. There were Christmas, new year, valentines ect. Still he couldn't find the perfect moment. I said to him I don't care about the ring. I don't want the proposal that much as he wants. I want to get married and be called "a wife" rather than "partner" . I want to have the same surname as my kids. Want to feel I belong to this family. I asked him If we can go to registrar office to "sign the marriage documents" and that's all. He said no. He doesn't want to do it that way. He wants to propose then have a proper wedding. I said I feel old I'm getting old. I don't want to wait. He told me it's my problem as it doesn't matter the age. What should I do? Marriage is important to me. How to accept the fact I'll never get married? Should I stay in this relationship with 2 kids in my age as I won't find anybody . I can't be asking him any more as it's humiliating. If I'd know that sooner if never got back to him again.
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 26 minutes ago, Mumof2kids said: We have been together 11 years. Our sons are 2&3 years old. We also have a house on mortgage. I don't understand what is stopping him to get married.. I asked him If we can go to registrar office to "sign the marriage documents" and that's all. He said no. Sorry this is happening. After 11 years, 2 children and a home together he may view it as superfluous. He doesn't want to get married. Unfortunately you have no recourse or leverage. What, exactly, is his objection? As you know the "right moment" thing is a stalling excuse. Names, rings and weddings are really not a good reason to marry. Is money an issue? Was he burned in a divorce? Check with an attorney. Are you in a common-law jurisdiction? Do you co-own the home? Do you both work?
Author Mumof2kids Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 The only reason I got back to him after we split up was because he wants to marry me and have kids. He said in the past he didn't want any of those things so I left him. I feel like I'm lied. Im stuck in this relationship as we have kids who loves him. It breaks my heart knowing I might end up this relationship. I can't do it because of our kids. Need to sacrify my dreams, myself for them. Why did he lie? Why he is still doing it? Why he can't tell my the truth? He never been married . Hardly had any relationship. We got house together it's 50/50 ours. He put deposit in but had to sing the pre-nuptial agreement . I don't even want the ring, the wedding, the dress. All I want to be called wife have a husband the same surname and feel we are family not boyfriend-girlfriend like teenagers any more.
Author Mumof2kids Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 Do u think is there any way I approach this to get a true answer from him?
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 1 minute ago, Mumof2kids said: We got house together it's 50/50 ours. He put deposit in but had to sing the pre-nuptial agreement . I don't even want the ring, the wedding, the dress. All I want to be called wife have a husband the same surname and feel we are family not boyfriend-girlfriend like teenagers any more. You need an attorney. How can you have a prenuptial agreement if you are not married because prenuptial contracts are only enforceable in the event of divorce. The document is rubbish. Do not marry this man. 1
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 You have your true answer, he doesn't want to get married to you. He lied to get you back home. He is stalling in the hope you will forget it. He knows you are going nowhere fast. The kids keep you stuck.
Author Mumof2kids Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 You can sign preoup for cohabiting couples. We live in UK.
Author Mumof2kids Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You have your true answer, he doesn't want to get married to you. He lied to get you back home. He is stalling in the hope you will forget it. He knows you are going nowhere fast. The kids keep you stuck. Do u mean he doesn't want to get married to "me" but he can get married to the "right woman"?
Author Mumof2kids Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 Is this the reason to break the relationship with kids?
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 17 minutes ago, Mumof2kids said: Do u mean he doesn't want to get married to "me" but he can get married to the "right woman"? Quite possibly. Not unheard of.
Els Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 I'm not sure what the UK laws are for "common law" couples, do you have the same legal rights and liabilities as married couples? They do where I live, but I'm sure this varies widely by jurisdiction. That being said, if marriage is that important to you (for whatever reason), I'm not sure why you would buy a house AND have two kids with a person whom you are not married to, let alone give them his last name? He has everything a marriage could possibly give him, without having to take on the parts that he clearly has no intention of taking on. Whereas you don't...
glows Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 It sounds like it means a great deal to you to be a family in name. You feel left out and as if the bond is illegitimate. In the same way some yearn to have children this may similar for you, to be a family. It’s unfortunate he doesn’t seem as attuned to you or respectful of your needs or desires to be married yet seems entitled to the family life he’s gotten used to. He seems complacent and uncaring. See a lawyer if you need advice on the home and to sort out custody. You both remain parents so your children will continue to view you both as parents. Let go of the guilt and pressure keeping things together. This was always meant to be a two-person job.
basil67 Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 (edited) I don't know if this helps, but my husband and I have been defacto for almost 30 years. I had my name legally changed to be the same as his and the children and we call each other husband and wife. You could also consider a legal name change and call each other whatever you want. Regarding the idea of breaking up, if the relationship is a poor one, then end it. And indeed if it is poor, then you shouldn't be looking at marrying him anyway. And it is hard to respect a guy who lies about wanting marriage. Alternately, if (aside from the marriage topic) the relationship is generally loving and solid and you make a good family unit, I believe it's selfish to rip the kid's family apart over a marriage certificate. They shouldn't have to pay the price for the decision to have them while you were still unmarried. Edited January 16, 2022 by basil67 1
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