sushiandtacos Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 Hey ya'll happy new year! It's been a while since I posted a thread, but basically been seeing this guy for the past 2 months. After a string of bad dates and jerks, it was honestly refreshing to meet a guy who is sweet and consistent. We went out 4 times before the holidays when I went home, kept in touch over Christmas, and went out together the week I got back. I didn't start out liking this guy from the first date right off the bat, but constant communication and his consistency in getting to know me grew my attraction. The only issue is that he's on the shy side, and our conversations never really went deep since either of us haven't initiated being vulnerable. His shy side resulted in me initiating a lot both physically and getting together. He would hint at wanting to see me or asked me out indirectly leading to me straight up asking him out (which got annoying at times for sure). He was slowly getting out of his shell until the last time we got together. When he dropped me off, he asked what my plans were the next night and I said I was getting dinner with a friend. He told me earlier in the week that he was going on a weekend trip with his guy friends but then told me that he probably wasn't going to go anymore. I asked him if he was still going and he said he would let me know but if he doesn't he's not doing anything... aka wanted to do something with me. The next day he let me know in the evening that he decided not to go while I was already out with my friend at dinner. We also planned to see a movie after and he texted in the middle of the movie if I wanted to come over and play board games with his friends. I told him I was out with friends and would be free after a certain time. The movie went late so I pushed the time and he texted saying he probably was going to go to bed after the game. So this resulted in me not going over. Then the few days after that night he slowed down on texting and communicating which made me anxious tbh and ptsd from past dating experiences. I assumed the worst and kept overthinking as to why he didn't reach out as much after. Then last week I finally budged and asked if he wanted to get together that same day. He asked about my schedule and told him I was free after a certain time. He said he had work until that time and was going to see a presentation after. After he sent that text, I was annoyed because he didn't give me an alternative time to see each other so I sent a passive aggressive text mentioning how he has a busy schedule that day. He didn't get the hint (lol) and was basically going on and on about how busy he was that day. I got more annoyed and basically said that that's not what I meant and how he should've given me an alternative time to see me if that night wasn't going to work. He hasn't texted since. I know I might've overreacted by sending that text, but it wasn't just that convo that made me upset to send that message. It was the previous other things of him slowing down on communicating since that night, him being indirect about wanting to see me, etc that built up frustrations and anxiety inside me for me to send that. Now I haven't heard from him and it's been three days since. Not sure what to do or if there is even anything I should do. Thoughts?
glows Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 I’m sorry, Sushi. It seems he’s been lukewarm for awhile. Leave him alone. Let him come to you and ask you out. He is not shy. He’s just not putting in the effort. I also noticed you both have a pattern of spontaneously meeting the day of. I can’t speak for anyone else but that’s not something I would do early on. He didn’t show enough interest in asking you out consistently and afterwards it became a series of very informal hang outs instead of dating. 2
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 42 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: Now I haven't heard from him and it's been three days since. Not sure what to do or if there is even anything I should do. You've had 2 months to observe his style and demeanor and it seems getting together with him is like pulling teeth. Reflect if you want "pulling him out of his shell" to be the pace and manner of things. He may be a nice guy but this degree of inertia almost seems like indifference. 2 1
Author sushiandtacos Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You've had 2 months to observe his style and demeanor and it seems getting together with him is like pulling teeth. Reflect if you want "pulling him out of his shell" to be the pace and manner of things. He may be a nice guy but this degree of inertia almost seems like indifference. Yes! I've been thinking and I came to the conclusion that I want a guy who leads and initiates. Dating this guy felt like a game and whoever shows feelings first meant they were losing in a sense. 3 1
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 ugh! this guy is a dud. You know what turns you on right? A man who is a man that takes the lead, confident, etc. This guy has issues right off the bat...so why did you even bother. Stick to your guns...first impressions count! Next time just move on....don't let the texting/ attention fool ya. The proof is always in the date/ seeing them in person. 1
poppyfields Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 1 hour ago, sushiandtacos said: I didn't start out liking this guy from the first date right off the bat, but constant communication and his consistency in getting to know me grew my attraction. This^ is what stood out to me sushi. My take is HE wasn't all that into you either, but you kept talking, it got 'comfortable' and so you both thought, why not? With YOU doing most of the initiating and pursuing. This never had a chance because mutual chemistry, attraction and passion was never there. For either of you. Don't confuse feeling comfortable and safe with attraction. In fact, attraction and chemistry is far from "comfortable" it's often fraught with uncertainty and tension. Which can be fun and exciting when you're able to manage those emotions versus overthinking and becoming overly anxious which many people tend to do. So they seek out "comfortable" and then wonder why things don't work out. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 I don't think he's shy. I think he's just not that interested. I would leave guy behind you, @sushiandtacos. I'm sorry. 2
Alvi Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 I am sorry Sushi. He is just not that interested in you. Period. I think you are confusing his lack of interest with his shyness. Shy people can still plan and follow though dates. They can ask you out, shyly, but they can manage that. I've been dating shy guys in the past and let me tell you, they all managed to show some initiative first. They managed phoning me, inviting me out, etc.... You think that you are pulling him out of his shell. But in a reality, he is not lifting a finger to do anything for you. Because he is not that much into you. 6
ShyViolet Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 He really doesn't sound interested anymore. If he was interested, you'd know. He would be making an effort to see you. Don't chase this guy, leave him alone and move on. 1 1
ccas93 Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 he also maybe suspected you were out on a date with another guy. I know with one particular past girl I dated "wine night with Zoe" really meant "sex night with Max" 1
Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 Seems like things took a turn after the 4th-5th date following the holidays. To his credit, he invited you out, but you weren't available. That's understandable it was a day's notice. After the movie, he invited you over, but you kept pushing the time back. In this case, I think you would need to initiate the majority of dates and plan them, and that doesn't sound like what you want. Curious, how did you manage to organize the other 4 dates? 1
SleeplessinFlorida Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 On 1/15/2022 at 11:49 AM, sushiandtacos said: Hey ya'll happy new year! It's been a while since I posted a thread, but basically been seeing this guy for the past 2 months. After a string of bad dates and jerks, it was honestly refreshing to meet a guy who is sweet and consistent. We went out 4 times before the holidays when I went home, kept in touch over Christmas, and went out together the week I got back. I didn't start out liking this guy from the first date right off the bat, but constant communication and his consistency in getting to know me grew my attraction. The only issue is that he's on the shy side, and our conversations never really went deep since either of us haven't initiated being vulnerable. His shy side resulted in me initiating a lot both physically and getting together. He would hint at wanting to see me or asked me out indirectly leading to me straight up asking him out (which got annoying at times for sure). He was slowly getting out of his shell until the last time we got together. When he dropped me off, he asked what my plans were the next night and I said I was getting dinner with a friend. He told me earlier in the week that he was going on a weekend trip with his guy friends but then told me that he probably wasn't going to go anymore. I asked him if he was still going and he said he would let me know but if he doesn't he's not doing anything... aka wanted to do something with me. The next day he let me know in the evening that he decided not to go while I was already out with my friend at dinner. We also planned to see a movie after and he texted in the middle of the movie if I wanted to come over and play board games with his friends. I told him I was out with friends and would be free after a certain time. The movie went late so I pushed the time and he texted saying he probably was going to go to bed after the game. So this resulted in me not going over. Then the few days after that night he slowed down on texting and communicating which made me anxious tbh and ptsd from past dating experiences. I assumed the worst and kept overthinking as to why he didn't reach out as much after. Then last week I finally budged and asked if he wanted to get together that same day. He asked about my schedule and told him I was free after a certain time. He said he had work until that time and was going to see a presentation after. After he sent that text, I was annoyed because he didn't give me an alternative time to see each other so I sent a passive aggressive text mentioning how he has a busy schedule that day. He didn't get the hint (lol) and was basically going on and on about how busy he was that day. I got more annoyed and basically said that that's not what I meant and how he should've given me an alternative time to see me if that night wasn't going to work. He hasn't texted since. I know I might've overreacted by sending that text, but it wasn't just that convo that made me upset to send that message. It was the previous other things of him slowing down on communicating since that night, him being indirect about wanting to see me, etc that built up frustrations and anxiety inside me for me to send that. Now I haven't heard from him and it's been three days since. Not sure what to do or if there is even anything I should do. Thoughts? I'd just go about my business. Doesn't seem like he's interested anymore. I'd just take it as his loss and move on to next. 1
chillii Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 On 1/16/2022 at 5:56 AM, ExpatInItaly said: I don't think he's shy. I think he's just not that interested. I would leave guy behind you, @sushiandtacos. I'm sorry. Yep , throw him back. Let him keep swimming and bumping heads with all the other silly fishes out there. Stupid games have no place in the real world between two real people. 1 1
Author sushiandtacos Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 Thanks guys Sad now lol 1 1 1
SleeplessinFlorida Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 7 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: Thanks guys Sad now lol You'll be alright lol 1 1
glows Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 1 hour ago, sushiandtacos said: Thanks guys Sad now lol Oh honey, nevermind him. Consider yourself free to meet someone else who is more of a straightshooter and less self-absorbed. 1
poppyfields Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 Is there an update sushi? Can you share with us?
Els Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 On 1/16/2022 at 5:07 AM, Alvi said: I am sorry Sushi. He is just not that interested in you. Period. I think you are confusing his lack of interest with his shyness. Shy people can still plan and follow though dates. They can ask you out, shyly, but they can manage that. I've been dating shy guys in the past and let me tell you, they all managed to show some initiative first. They managed phoning me, inviting me out, etc.... You think that you are pulling him out of his shell. But in a reality, he is not lifting a finger to do anything for you. Because he is not that much into you. Can concur. Also, I like board games as much as anyone, but "I'm playing board games with my friends, wanna come?" is.... not exactly date material? It's not wrong in and of itself, but if that's the ONLY invitation he can be bothered to put out to you, it screams "I don't want to put in any effort!!" IMO. 1
princessaurora Posted January 18, 2022 Posted January 18, 2022 3 hours ago, Elswyth said: Also, I like board games as much as anyone, but "I'm playing board games with my friends, wanna come?" is.... not exactly date material? It's not wrong in and of itself, but if that's the ONLY invitation he can be bothered to put out to you, it screams "I don't want to put in any effort!!" IMO. But they did have a date the night before, so inviting her over for board games with friends might have been his way of seeing her again without the pressure of another date the next night. Plus, if this was the first time she was meeting the friends, that could be a sign he was trying to bring her more into his world. I wonder if he got embarassed when you didn't come @sushiandtacosbecause his friends may have been looking forward to meeting you or seeing you again. Plus when you pushed the time back, he may have thought you were on another date as @ccas93 suggested. 2 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 18, 2022 Posted January 18, 2022 On 1/15/2022 at 12:50 PM, sushiandtacos said: Yes! I've been thinking and I came to the conclusion that I want a guy who leads and initiates. Dating this guy felt like a game and whoever shows feelings first meant they were losing in a sense. but…as a guy I get turned off if I’m the one who has to initiate dates. At 2 months I’d expect her to initiate some things we do with actual planning involved..not the same day. 1
Els Posted January 18, 2022 Posted January 18, 2022 7 hours ago, princessaurora said: But they did have a date the night before, so inviting her over for board games with friends might have been his way of seeing her again without the pressure of another date the next night. Plus, if this was the first time she was meeting the friends, that could be a sign he was trying to bring her more into his world. I wonder if he got embarassed when you didn't come @sushiandtacosbecause his friends may have been looking forward to meeting you or seeing you again. Plus when you pushed the time back, he may have thought you were on another date as @ccas93 suggested. Hmm, my interpretation of her post was that she had initiated most of the previous dates, including the last "real" date, so this was the only thing he initiated? I could be wrong, though.
Recommended Posts