Sunnylady2022 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) Hello everyone, I don't have anyone to talk to about this and would really appreciate your advice. I'm in a long term relationship with a man I love but who is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me. He has on occasion also hit me (albeit 2 years ago). I have endured neglect, disrespect, disdain, abuse and pain over the past years in this relationship. But I have stuck it out partly because we have a daughter together and also out of hope that things can improve as I do care about him. I also do not have the level of financial independence that I would want in order to be able to move on. At this point, our sex life is essentially non-exsistent. --‐----------- A week ago, I casually met a man who enjoys rock climbing like I do. Met him casually on social media (we are members of a rock climbing group). We met up twice (he lives in another country but travels back and forth) and had an amazing time just talking and chatting. He is aware I am in a relationship and I hinted at but did not divulge too much detail about the issues. He asked me about the issues and how I intended to handle things but I told him I was not sure yet. Before he left the country, he invited me to join him on a rock climbing trip sometime this year in a foreign country. He also gave me a book he authored with a personalized message in it telling me to "remember to live and love". This was 5 days ago just before he left the country. We havent spoken since then which is fine. I was hoping but not expecting him to messsge or call me every day. However, I have not been able to get this person out of my head. Our brief meetings have made me feel alive after years of numbness. I'm not under any illusions that this is love as I barely know him. My question is - how do I get over this chemical reaction in my brain? And should i get I message him casually or wait for him to contact me? How do I play this? Do I just pretend he never exists? Thanks for reading if you made it this far. UPDATE- He just mesaaged me. Still my quesitons stand. Hope to hear your thoughts. Edited January 15, 2022 by Sunnylady2022
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) You are using him has an escape, a fantasy of sorts..when you are lonely anything looks good on the menu. You are about to embark on a path of poor choices. None of this is healthy. You need to get to a lawyer, and see about child support. Ask friends, family or close worker for help. Someone somewhere will have a spare bedroom to lend while you sort out your life, get a game plan together. As for rock climbing guy...he offers no stability to you or your daughter. He isn't there to rescue you. He's just hoping to get in your pants someday. You are a moth to a flame...better fly away from it. Edited January 15, 2022 by smackie9 2
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 9 minutes ago, Sunnylady2022 said: 'm in a long term relationship with a man I love but who is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me. He has on occasion also hit me (albeit 2 years ago). I have endured neglect, disrespect, disdain, abuse and pain over the past years in this relationship. How do you think this abusive man will react when he finds out? You are playing with fire and are risking your safety, maybe even your life... 1
Author Sunnylady2022 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 5 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You are using him has an escape, a fantasy of sorts..when you are lonely anything looks good on the menu. You are about to embark on a path of poor choices. None of this is healthy. You need to get to a lawyer, and see about child support. Ask friends, family or close worker for help. Someone somewhere will have a spare bedroom to lend while you sort out your life, get a game plan together. As for rock climbing guy...he offers no stability to you or your daughter. He isn't there to rescue you. He's just hoping to get in your pants someday. You are a moth to a flame...better fly away from it. Thanks for your response. You made a good point which I have often overlooked- that I am dealing with loneliness. It is truly a light bulb moment for me. May I ask (purely out of curiosity) why you believe the rock climbing guy is simply trying to get into my pants?
glows Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) How or where did you meet your current abusive partner? Was it also during a chaotic time like this? I ask to get an idea of where your patterns are coming from. Do you usually seek comfort in men when you feel uneasy? It’s a dangerous pattern for someone who has a history of abusive relationships. Seek support and do more research for support services for battered or abused women in your area. Gather contacts and form a plan on how to leave your partner, get a job, find childcare and housing. Flinging yourself at another man, least of all a traveling one from out of country, is self-sabotaging. You’re crushing your chances of breaking out of this abuse cycle. Edited January 15, 2022 by glows 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sunnylady2022 said: He has on occasion also hit me I have endured neglect, disrespect, disdain, abuse and pain over the past years in this relationship. But I have stuck it out partly because we have a daughter together. I also do not have the level of financial independence that I would want in order to be able to move on. Call some resources for domestic violence. Your first and foremost priority is your daughter and protecting her from this monster Next time he'll hit her or throw her down the stairs. You need to stop rock-climbing with your crush and focus on getting out now. Work more jobs, talk to trusted friends and family. See your physician and report the abuse. If he abuses your daughter, and he will, you'll lose her. Escaping into fantasy crushes will not protect your daughter, in fact when your abuser finds out, and he will, he may beat both of you up. Edited January 15, 2022 by Wiseman2 1
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 56 minutes ago, Sunnylady2022 said: Thanks for your response. You made a good point which I have often overlooked- that I am dealing with loneliness. It is truly a light bulb moment for me. May I ask (purely out of curiosity) why you believe the rock climbing guy is simply trying to get into my pants? For the majority of men, this is their starting point....getting sex. Some caution: he travels a lot. You really don't know him except how he presents himself to you when you are together. He could be married, have a GF in another city, etc. You are in a vulnerable state. You need to keep your guard up.
ShyViolet Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 You should be focusing on putting together a concrete plan to leave your abusive relationship and get your child out of the situation. Not worrying about this crush on some new guy. Make better choices, leave the dysfunctional situation you are in, get stability in your life, and then you can think about dating. 2
FMW Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 3 hours ago, Sunnylady2022 said: Our brief meetings have made me feel alive after years of numbness. This is your sign that maintaining the status quo with your long term relationship isn't workable. It's unlikely this new guy is anyone special or meant for you, he's just the one that came along to wake you up to what you are missing by staying in an unhappy relationship. Don't make things worse by adding more complications. The advice already given is right on point, focus on how to remove yourself from your existing relationship that isn't working. Any time spent on the new guy will simply be a distraction and prolong your unhappiness. Once you're free from your existing relationship, you will meet other men that will make you feel alive. 1 1
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