Ever experienced feeingl this way?

[Kindle500]

Hi All

 

I have been dating a woman exclusively for about 2.5 months or so.

 

Things going well.

 

She sometimes stays over my place..maybe one night or 2 nights.

 

While I enjoy her being over, I am not use to having someone over my place, let alone staying over.  So I get a sense of relief when she leaves.  I get the feeling of "ok now I can go about my routine in my place, watch the exact show I want, play my instrument, play any music as loud as wish."

 

This is a ME issue... when she is over, because the relationship if fairly new, I treat her like a guest.  So I am not going to go into my own routine and leave her be...like go read a book or something and leave her to herself.  She, after all, is my guest.

 

So is it a little normal, at least in the beginning of the relationship, to enjoy the persons company, but in a way feel a little happy that they left so I can get back to my book or TV show?

 

Thanks

[glows]

Yes, it’s normal. Pace yourselves. Does she also invite you over to her place? 

[Kindle500]

 

OK Thanks

Not yet, as she has roommates, but I'm going Sunday.

From past experiences I am more relaxed at my partners place a bit because I am the guest.  But even then, after awhile I want to be going home to my routine.

[Alpacalia]

I think you're fine OP.

You like to enjoy your own company from time to time.

Nothing wrong with that!

Women like to do girly things too in the privacy of their own home like shave their legs and take bubble baths. 

Edited January 14, 2022 by Alpaca

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

 

OK Thanks

Not yet, as she has roommates, but I'm going Sunday.

From past experiences I am more relaxed at my partners place a bit because I am the guest.  But even then, after awhile I want to be going home to my routine.

That’s fine. And go home. It’s best to keep the visits short and sweet. It’s very early on and you don’t know whether you’re compatible just yet. 

Be open about your existing commitments or appointments. If you have plans you’re aware about in the coming week let her know and vice versa. Share your lives. You both have other things going on so try not to be coy and blithe about it. Sincerity and openness are very simple but they go a long way. 

[Mrin]

Totally normal. 

[Kindle500]

Thanks all.

 

Yeah so far we have been very open with anything.

I sorta freaked out a bit as I slowly get to know more people in her circle, and I told her so.  She listened and we both agreed to take it slow.  She even said something to the effect of that she's in no rush (something like that).  My anxiety lessened as I see that we are both on the same page.  I like her, and we both decided on dating exclusively, it's just i want to go at  a certain pace.  

 

Also, I read some articles online where it said that that there is a difference between  "exclusive dating" and a "relationship."

I really couldn't understand what the difference is?

 

To me, unless we are engaged, then we are exclusively dating and by default in a relationship.

 

I could be wrong?

[Alpacalia]

That's what I used to think too OP because that's how it was for my past relationships.

No talk about being exclusive vs. in a relationship but now-a-days that seems to be more the norm.

19 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

To me, unless we are engaged, then we are exclusively dating and by default in a relationship.

 

I could be wrong?

 

[glows]

21 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

Thanks all.

 

Yeah so far we have been very open with anything.

I sorta freaked out a bit as I slowly get to know more people in her circle, and I told her so.  She listened and we both agreed to take it slow.  She even said something to the effect of that she's in no rush (something like that).  My anxiety lessened as I see that we are both on the same page.  I like her, and we both decided on dating exclusively, it's just i want to go at  a certain pace.  

 

Also, I read some articles online where it said that that there is a difference between  "exclusive dating" and a "relationship."

I really couldn't understand what the difference is?

 

To me, unless we are engaged, then we are exclusively dating and by default in a relationship.

 

I could be wrong?

Semantics. Decide the nature of your dating together. Try not to worry about white noise and the standards of others.

[Gaeta]

Being exclusive is an agreement between 2 people that date.

Being in a relationship is something that happens over time as you get to know each other and build trust and intimicy. 

You can be exclusive after just a few dates but only introduce your family and friends after a few months.

Let it unfold naturally. 

[smackie9]

Do what ever feels best. If you want more me time, keep over nights to a minimum.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

I have been dating a woman exclusively for about 2.5 months or so. While I enjoy her being over, I am not use to having someone over my place, let alone staying over. I get a sense of relief when she leaves.  I get the feeling of "ok now I can go about my routine in my place, watch the exact show I want, play my instrument, play any music as loud as wish."

Sounds like you are not too compatible if it's a relief when she leaves. How long does she stay over for? Overnight? The whole weekend? 

Why not alternate places and go out more. It sounds like all you're ready for (with her at least) is hooking up. Do it, then leave.

[Kindle500]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like you are not too compatible if it's a relief when she leaves. How long does she stay over for? Overnight? The whole weekend? 

Why not alternate places and go out more. It sounds like all you're ready for (with her at least) is hooking up. Do it, then leave.

Maybe relief is the wrong word...  I'm just a guy who is use to be alone and having his alone time and space.  When she is comes over I have to compensate for the fact that she is here, so I don't play my music on my stereo system, or I don't just have toast for dinner, or I don't sit on the coach and read and ignore her..  She is in my place as a guest, so I have to make sure that she is comfortable and that I'm not ignoring her.

For me, that's an adjustment I am willing to make, it's only when she leaves then I can sort of go back to my usual routine that I would not have if she was still at my place.  and I sort of enjoy that too.

She lives an hour away, so if she comes to my town then she stays over.... and we do go out for dinner and stuff like that.

[Gaeta]

47 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

Maybe relief is the wrong word...  I'm just a guy who is use to be alone and having his alone time and space. 

My 34 yo daughter is like that. She needs a lot of alone time. She lives with her boyfriend but it was a huge decision for her, she wasn't sure she could deal with living with someone full time, they adjusted, he understands her need for time alone with a book, her music, etc. Have you told her you're a loner? She should know as soon as possible. Some people need a lot of togetherness in a relationship, others have a similar need for space. 

Edited January 14, 2022 by Gaeta

[ccas93]

58 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

Maybe relief is the wrong word...  I'm just a guy who is use to be alone and having his alone time and space.  When she is comes over I have to compensate for the fact that she is here, so I don't play my music on my stereo system, or I don't just have toast for dinner, or I don't sit on the coach and read and ignore her..  She is in my place as a guest, so I have to make sure that she is comfortable and that I'm not ignoring her.

For me, that's an adjustment I am willing to make, it's only when she leaves then I can sort of go back to my usual routine that I would not have if she was still at my place.  and I sort of enjoy that too.

She lives an hour away, so if she comes to my town then she stays over.... and we do go out for dinner and stuff like that.

I'm very similar to you in that i'm introverted and need alone time. I was even thinking about this last night - that if I got into a serious relationship, would I want to give up my nightly freedom of just hanging out, and doing whatever I want. But that's not a bad thing in every way. Not all of our nightly habits and stuff we do when we are alone and unaccountable, is super great for us. 

For you it depends... maybe you guys can listen to music on the stereo system together. Maybe you can have read and chill nights. I think it's a good thing she keeps you from eating toast for dinner. That sounds terrible. I think her presence is keeping you holding you accountable from indulging in bad habits or vegging out too much, then it's good for you. 

Edited January 14, 2022 by ccas93

[Foxhall]

Yes also understand where your coming from,

its like you need time to recover and recharge by yourself then, after being in her company or anyone's company for a few days 

 

 

[Kindle500]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

Yes also understand where your coming from,

its like you need time to recover and recharge by yourself then, after being in her company or anyone's company for a few days 

 

 

100% this.

 

I don't know why...but I have always had this thing where I need time to recover and recharge....especially if someone has stayed over and my routine has been changed a bit.

[Kindle500]

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

I'm very similar to you in that i'm introverted and need alone time. I was even thinking about this last night - that if I got into a serious relationship, would I want to give up my nightly freedom of just hanging out, and doing whatever I want. But that's not a bad thing in every way. Not all of our nightly habits and stuff we do when we are alone and unaccountable, is super great for us. 

For you it depends... maybe you guys can listen to music on the stereo system together. Maybe you can have read and chill nights. I think it's a good thing she keeps you from eating toast for dinner. That sounds terrible. I think her presence is keeping you holding you accountable from indulging in bad habits or vegging out too much, then it's good for you. 

Yes for sure... sometimes our introverted nightly  habits may not be the best.

[Kindle500]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

My 34 yo daughter is like that. She needs a lot of alone time. She lives with her boyfriend but it was a huge decision for her, she wasn't sure she could deal with living with someone full time, they adjusted, he understands her need for time alone with a book, her music, etc. Have you told her you're a loner? She should know as soon as possible. Some people need a lot of togetherness in a relationship, others have a similar need for space. 

Thank you for this!  I guess I am allot like your daughter in that I need a lot of alone time.  

 

She does know this about me.

 

The thought of moving in with someone is scary for me...but I assume that if I get into a good place with the person I could live with them.  They would no longer be a "guest" and they would have their own routine perhaps.

 

But I am not good with changes.  If it's a new partner, them staying over, new patterns.  It takes time for me to adjust to all of this.  So when the person leaves after a couple of days I need that time to recharge and even process everything.

[chillii]

Yeah , l know that feeling and get it myself. l'm just wondering though , have you ever actually lived with someone , how did that work for you ?

[Kindle500]

36 minutes ago, chillii said:

Yeah , l know that feeling and get it myself. l'm just wondering though , have you ever actually lived with someone , how did that work for you ?

Besides my family, I've lived alone.  Never with a person.

So I am used to my home being my place, my safe haven.  I can put anything  I want on the television.  I can just stare into space and relax.  Etc.

 

When I have a guest over, well I feel very compelled to make my guest comfortable, which I can.  But I lose a little freedom.  Suddenly I may be watching something I am wouldn't really be watching.   Or even if I put on something I do like I can't quite focus.  So it's going to take some work from me.

[chillii]

What sort of age are you if you don't mind , it can get easier , or harder , with age.l'm 50s was married, but still need my space and if you are that way , yeah living alone again is hard to give up. lt does really help when the other person is just right you gel nicely and they just slot into your ways.

Edited January 15, 2022 by chillii

[Kyra]

Some of us do like our own space and routine and time alone and that fine. The question is, how do you feel when she's there with you? Are you itching for her to leave so you can play your music and do other things? Are you feeling tense or on edge because you are playing host and focused on doing what she wants? Or are you fully enjoying her company and only after she leaves feel happy to then have your own space? Do you miss her when you are apart?

I have a BF I see about once a week for a few to several hours. I feel its not enough time and enjoy every minute with him. In those intervening days we aren't together although I often miss him I also am happy to have my own space and time and I know I wouldn't want to live with him because I need my own time. But if I felt cramped by his presence (when together but not living together) or was looking forward to being alone when we're spending time together, I would wonder why we were together.

[glows]

On 1/14/2022 at 2:45 PM, Kindle500 said:

Besides my family, I've lived alone.  Never with a person.

So I am used to my home being my place, my safe haven.  I can put anything  I want on the television.  I can just stare into space and relax.  Etc.

 

When I have a guest over, well I feel very compelled to make my guest comfortable, which I can.  But I lose a little freedom.  Suddenly I may be watching something I am wouldn't really be watching.   Or even if I put on something I do like I can't quite focus.  So it's going to take some work from me.

It’s called compromise. And yes, it’s a requirement if you’re in a relationship and the degree or extent of compromises you make for each other and your comfort level depends on your compatibility overall.

You may watch a show you wouldn’t ordinarily watch for example and inadvertently learn something new. It can lead to new inspirations or desire to pursue a new interest. 

What matters is you both enjoy your time together while you’re together and you don’t feel so self-conscious when she’s around. It wears off with time if you are compatible or good for each other.

Edited January 16, 2022 by glows

[Kindle500]

7 hours ago, glows said:

It’s called compromise. And yes, it’s a requirement if you’re in a relationship and the degree or extent of compromises you make for each other and your comfort level depends on your compatibility overall.

You may watch a show you wouldn’t ordinarily watch for example and inadvertently learn something new. It can lead to new inspirations or desire to pursue a new interest. 

What matters is you both enjoy your time together while you’re together and you don’t feel so self-conscious when she’s around. It wears off with time if you are compatible or good for each other.

Thanks!  Yeah I think you hit the nail on the head about not feeling self consiouIOUS after awhile.    The self consiounious is what what can be exhausting for me, but once that wears off then maybe I can be more relaxed and not feel like I have a "guest' over.