BaileyB Posted January 14, 2022 Posted January 14, 2022 I love Facebook quotes - here is one for you OP - “Be careful who you push away, some of us don’t come back…”
poppyfields Posted January 14, 2022 Posted January 14, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, poppyfields said: I think it would be helpful if the OP defined "pull away" as it pertains to the men she dates. Push/pull gets an extremely bad rap on this forum, people liken it to PUA games/strategiy which I agree IS a bunch of BS. Truth is (imo of course and experience) is that it can be healthy to take lone time, time for yourself from time to time away from your partner. As I said in previous post, all my long term boyfriends did and they were madly in love with me throughout our entire relationship. And I attribute that, at least in part, to my allowing them to "pull away" and having their space and lone time without freaking out and screaming (or wondering) "he's pulling away, what does this mean, does he not like/love me anymore"? I had faith and trust in our love and connection and simply did my own thing. I might also add that being somewhat of an introvert, I also need/needed my fair share of space and lone time, to pull away from time to time. I would never last with a man whose mindset was when your partner pulls away, it means they don't care. It's just not true in every situation, it's too nuanced, never so black and white to make such a definitive statement like that. JMO With respect to my earlier post quoted, I would just like to clarify when I said either myself or my boyfriend needing some space and lone time, I was talking about a few days NOT weeks or months. Just a slight "pull back" if that's even the correct way of referring to it. One of my long term ex's told me his girlfriend before me never would him allow that without having a full blown panic attack. She would become anxious and insecure, needing constant reassurance, questioning him ad nauseum, and as a result he felt extremely suffocated as he was never allowed a moment(s) to himself in peace. His attraction died and he ended that relationship. Granted some people or couples don't need any time alone to themselves and perhaps there will come a time when I don't either OR I am willing to consider I wasnt with the "right" men, I don't know. But to the OP, if by 'pull away' you mean your partner needing some space or not being as attentive, texting or calling less for a few DAYS, I think this is okay and when this happens, try to not freak out, focus on your connection and do your own thing. When he returns as his regular self, loving and attentive, have a heart to heart about your needs and styles, strive for mutual understanding. Pushing someone away, either intentionally or unconsciously, is a whole different thing. Edited January 14, 2022 by poppyfields 1
spiderowl Posted January 14, 2022 Posted January 14, 2022 On 1/13/2022 at 11:54 AM, Runninggirl said: Im definitely an anxious attachment style. I tend to freak out when I feel them pull away. Ive become very aware of this, and when I feel them pull away I try by best to contain myself, not over contact etc. I don't feel like Im being "too much", I dont text too much etc. But in my experience you dont have to be "too much" for an avoidant partner to back away. Sometimes any loving or caring act, word etc will make them withdraw. To keep the relationship alive it requires a bit of warmth, but sometimes that scares people away. Ive been in situations where a partner will tell me they've lost feelings because the relationship became too casual, didn't go anywhere etc, at the same time the same person would panic when I tried to move things forward, and pull away. After some space, a few days of silence they would come back. Often these people have never been in a serious relationship. Ive tried to do my research, but i still find myself unable to understand what one should do. (Except find other partners, but often their avoidant tendencies doesn't show until its "too late"). Regardless of whether one should give up Im curious how one should bahave to move forward in a relationship with an avoidant partner. I’m not sure that categorising people in terms of attachment style helps. It is best to go by their behaviour. Do they want to spend time with you regularly? Are they enthusiastic about bring with you? Are they caring? Do they listen to you or are they too self-centred? Can you relax with each other? Are they honest? If someone wants to be with you, they will. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around them. 1
spiderowl Posted January 14, 2022 Posted January 14, 2022 17 hours ago, Runninggirl said: In my situation Im referring to men, but I said partner because Im more interested in the concept, than just for my experiences. I know a lot of people think you should find someone else, but I think the push pull dynamic is quite common, and no one will be perfect. Most people have a fight or flight response, and what if you find a partner who's a great match, but they have avoidant tendencies. I would like to be educated on how to interact for the best results. Understand what drives this behaviour because I can't relate. I only withdraw if Im not into them, but then Im not coming back. I dont really mean people who are hot and cold in the beginning stage, because then I think they're just not that into me. I mean the people you form a deep connection with who reacts with flight-responses, who pull away if they feel you get to close, or pull away if they feel misunderstood, uncertain, who feels "off" when there's something wrong. Ive had guys who acted like this but long after would claim they were head over heels in love with me, and that they "dont understand" why they feel the way they do. One guy explained it as "We're not on the same wavelength right now and I dont know why", after we had an argument and I tried to make up the next day. He would ghost me after that for a few weeks, but then make contact and apologize and say he only needed to calm down, and that he knows its not fun when he does that, he just can't help it. And Ive had several of those experiences. Sometimes after arguments. But also sometimes when things seem to get to another level, and they go cold after. As if he got cold feet every time we connected well. Anyone who ghosts you for weeks is not that interested. I don’t think his excuses fly. Maybe you should ask yourself why you want to be with avoidant people? It might be more ‘exciting’ to be with someone unpredictable but it does not bode well for the long term. 1
spiderowl Posted January 14, 2022 Posted January 14, 2022 12 minutes ago, spiderowl said: I’m not sure that categorising people in terms of attachment style helps. It is best to go by their behaviour. Do they want to spend time with you regularly? Are they enthusiastic about being with you? Are they caring? Do they listen to you or are they too self-centred? Can you relax with each other? Are they honest? If someone wants to be with you, they will. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around them.
Alpacalia Posted January 14, 2022 Posted January 14, 2022 39 minutes ago, spiderowl said: I’m not sure that categorising people in terms of attachment style helps. It is best to go by their behaviour. Do they want to spend time with you regularly? Are they enthusiastic about bring with you? Are they caring? Do they listen to you or are they too self-centred? Can you relax with each other? Are they honest? If someone wants to be with you, they will. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around them. Agree. The push pull nonsense only works in toxic relationships. 2
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