Runninggirl Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 Im definitely an anxious attachment style. I tend to freak out when I feel them pull away. Ive become very aware of this, and when I feel them pull away I try by best to contain myself, not over contact etc. I don't feel like Im being "too much", I dont text too much etc. But in my experience you dont have to be "too much" for an avoidant partner to back away. Sometimes any loving or caring act, word etc will make them withdraw. To keep the relationship alive it requires a bit of warmth, but sometimes that scares people away. Ive been in situations where a partner will tell me they've lost feelings because the relationship became too casual, didn't go anywhere etc, at the same time the same person would panic when I tried to move things forward, and pull away. After some space, a few days of silence they would come back. Often these people have never been in a serious relationship. Ive tried to do my research, but i still find myself unable to understand what one should do. (Except find other partners, but often their avoidant tendencies doesn't show until its "too late"). Regardless of whether one should give up Im curious how one should bahave to move forward in a relationship with an avoidant partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) 45 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: Ive tried to do my research, but i still find myself unable to understand what one should do. . Regardless of whether one should give up Im curious how one should bahave to move forward in a relationship with an avoidant partner. Try not to pigeonhole yourself into an 'attachment style'. Instead realize if you need to play games or whoever you are dating is playing games, it's just not a good match. The most important thing is finding someone who is into you and doesn't need to disappear, pull away or finds contact with you a bother. Don't try to make incompatible men fit by using techniques and strategies. Stop watching dating coach videos about playing games. Make sure your life is happy, busy with plenty of friends, family, groups, clubs, sports, work, classes, etc. lead a full life. When you date someone who's into you, you don't have to fret if you are being "clingy", because they will want to communicate and see you. However don't use texting to alleviate boredom, loneliness or anxiety. Pace yourself, don't dive into relationships headfirst and fast and furious. View dating as a getting-to-know-you period, where you decide if it's a good fit. If there's so much angst that you need to research dating coaches, relationship gurus, psychology theories, etc., accept it not a good match. Edited January 13, 2022 by Wiseman2 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 19 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: Often these people have never been in a serious relationship. Theories about attachments are just that, theories. As far as I can tell, the above is not entirely true. Similarly, there are "dismissive" and "fearful" avoidant styles. Nevertheless, people must be driven by their own desire for intimacy and security. It is not in your best interest if they don't want to work together, minimize your feelings, or shut down any attempts to communicate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 Wiseman hit the nail on the head. If a man does not want to be in a relationship, a woman would be wise to accept that and respect that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) You are putting way too much emphasis on "attachment styles". Each relationship should be evaluated on an individual basis. If you sense a dating partner pulling away, it's not helpful to label them as having an "avoidant attachment style." It's helpful to look at the reality of the situation and look at their actions. People sometimes cling to this theory of "attachment styles" because they don't want to face the reality that the person is just not that into you. If a person is pulling away, they are probably just not that interested in you anymore. Stop trying to psycho-analyze them. That won't get you anywhere. Edited January 13, 2022 by ShyViolet 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
balletomane Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 You've identified yourself as having an anxious attachment style. Does this mean you're clingy, or you try to rush things too fast? If so, then many people will walk away at that point - not because they're avoiding relationships in general, but because they don't want to be pushed and rushed into something that might not be right for them. If this is the case, then you need to work on your own anxieties rather than worrying about their perceived problems. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) 22 minutes ago, balletomane said: You've identified yourself as having an anxious attachment style. One way someone who is anxious can calm themselves is to over-analyze a situation/person. That person gains a sense of control by “understanding” the situation/person, which calms their anxiety. The fact of the matter is, when a man pulls back you should take that as a sign that he is not interested/not a reliable partner and make your decisions accordingly… Edited January 13, 2022 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) @Runninggirlinstead of labeling people as "avoidant," "anxious avoidant" or whatever, spend some time learning about the natural rhythm of relationships and their various stages. Read books, watch videos (Esther Perel is excellent) and learn. When people pull away, it does NOT always mean they're "not into you". Sometimes it does but again not always. It's never as black and white as that. Some people simply need some lone time (i.e. space), time to regroup, get back to themselves, especially after getting close. This is perfectly normal in my experience, I have needed that myself! ALL my long term boyfriends 'pulled away' at various times, and they were madly in love with me! Feeling vulnerable can feel uncomfortable to some people, they need time to work through that emotion and other emotions and fears. All normal in my experience. Best to not freak, overthink, assume the worst or take it personally. Simply do your thing and stay grounded and centered, focus on the connection you've made up to that point. Seriously, start reading; again Esther Perel, a well-renound therapist and relationship counselor has some awesome videos and books/articles. None (that I have read and seen) discuss 'attachment styles' but rather the natural rhythm of romantic relationships and how men and women come together and stay together. How to keep attraction and desire alive, even in long term relationships and marriages. I have learned a ton from her in recent years. Edited January 13, 2022 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted January 13, 2022 Author Share Posted January 13, 2022 Im trying to learn! Its not about putting people into boxes, more about understanding the push pull behaviour, from people who's actually interested. Not talking about people that string you along, or play games. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: It's not about putting people into boxes, more about understanding the push pull behaviour Not sure if you read my post before posting this^ but the best way to understand the natural rhythm of relationships and healthy push/pull (versus game playing and manipulation) is read, read, read, anything and everything you can about interpersonal relationships, romance, attraction, desire, human nature and the like. There are some great videos as well if you're not into reading. Take what you've learned and apply it, experiment with it. Experience can be a great teacher as well... has been for me anyway. Making mistakes and learning from. Edited January 13, 2022 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 33 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: Im trying to learn! Its not about putting people into boxes, more about understanding the push pull behaviour, from people who's actually interested. Not talking about people that string you along, or play games. Being already anxious will only make you more anxious if someone starts pulling away. So how do you counteract that? What do YOU think? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 Hot/cold people should be avoided at all costs as the majority of psychologists state if you don't like uncertainty, inconsistency in a relationship. Most people don't feel secure unless they have constancy, but there are some , few have the personality that are ok with it. If you need it, you need to be with the right person to fulfill that expectation...like regular communication/expression of feelings, etc. You can't control someones behavior, or impose change but you can choose differently in who you date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 10 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Ive been in situations where a partner will tell me they've lost feelings because the relationship became too casual, didn't go anywhere etc, at the same time the same person would panic when I tried to move things forward, and pull away. After some space, a few days of silence they would come back. Often these people have never been in a serious relationship. Ive tried to do my research, but i still find myself unable to understand what one should do. Observe more and get a feel of what that person is like. Form your own opinions. Maybe you're very much interested in finding someone to be with and it's clouding your judgment or you're trying too hard to have them reciprocate those feelings. It doesn't sound like any of these individuals were a match for you. Be more of yourself and let that attraction build over a longer period of time with more consistency. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) Yes. We don't know if this is necessarily a man she is referring to. Some women can be an avoidant too. 🤷♀️ Edited January 13, 2022 by Alpaca Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted January 13, 2022 Author Share Posted January 13, 2022 In my situation Im referring to men, but I said partner because Im more interested in the concept, than just for my experiences. I know a lot of people think you should find someone else, but I think the push pull dynamic is quite common, and no one will be perfect. Most people have a fight or flight response, and what if you find a partner who's a great match, but they have avoidant tendencies. I would like to be educated on how to interact for the best results. Understand what drives this behaviour because I can't relate. I only withdraw if Im not into them, but then Im not coming back. I dont really mean people who are hot and cold in the beginning stage, because then I think they're just not that into me. I mean the people you form a deep connection with who reacts with flight-responses, who pull away if they feel you get to close, or pull away if they feel misunderstood, uncertain, who feels "off" when there's something wrong. Ive had guys who acted like this but long after would claim they were head over heels in love with me, and that they "dont understand" why they feel the way they do. One guy explained it as "We're not on the same wavelength right now and I dont know why", after we had an argument and I tried to make up the next day. He would ghost me after that for a few weeks, but then make contact and apologize and say he only needed to calm down, and that he knows its not fun when he does that, he just can't help it. And Ive had several of those experiences. Sometimes after arguments. But also sometimes when things seem to get to another level, and they go cold after. As if he got cold feet every time we connected well. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 (edited) You can easily smoke out avoidant tendencies by asking direct questions and listening carefully and observing. I was highly avoidant (less so now) ... there were plenty of women who snuffed this out in me and ditched me and moved happily on. I didn't have the attachment framework-understanding at the time but looking back I can see that one thing the really sharp women never did was give me a pass when I withdrew, either emotionally or physically. They stepped up and raised holy h. Or they pulled back and went on with their lives without me. They did not sit there and negotiate with someone who clearly could not be open and available, and yes, I’m talking about myself. BTW: later I dated avoidant women, and had to learn the same lessons that these sharp women had learned when they refused to hang in there with my nonsense. So, it's very likely that you are too "nice" and too "understanding" when someone acts weird early on. You want to pay attention to the person out all along the way. And pay attention to your body. Your body will have some discomfort when people act strange. It's likely you're just ignoring that warning signal that your body is emitting. Instead, your creating elaborate stories to justify why you don't feel so good with this person. Save the story-making for 10 or 20 years into a marriage. At the start of dating and the start of any romantic relationship your job is to be ruthlessly real and even critical. Anything that doesn't sound right or seem right likely is NOT right. Pause right then and there. Until you get reassured. Slow things down until you get reassured. If the person can't reassure you, then the relationship won't work. You don't feel safe, so you should just save time and dump them. Otherwise, you're banging your head against a wall. I would say several of my eyes just kept dating and they eventually found people who were not avoidant. (I’ve kept in touch with several of them.) You shouldn't see it as your task to stay in a relationship where you don't feel there is mutual intimacy and closeness and sharing. So bottom line: quit trying to solve this ridiculous riddle and instead get out of the relationship. BTW: do you not know that the other person’s problem is that they have this avoidant attachment. You don’t know that. So now I’ll add … I wasn’t just avoidant … I was also ambivalent … I’d develop interests in women without really thinking about it and get involved and then immediately realize that I wasn’t that interested in them for a long-term relationship. Some of the women I was “avoidant” with were people I just didn’t like all that much. Not as in I disliked them, but rather I didn’t have the overwhelming attraction that is required to sustain a relationship. Back to you: instead of trying to manage this person by psychoanalyzing them, how about you skip all that and get out of the relationship. Don't try to figure out what's going on. Just acknowledge that you don't feel great and move on. If we're not feeling great and safe and understood and all of that in a relationship, then BY DEFINITION, the relationship is not a good fit. Ultimate bottom line: dump this guy. And find someone you feel comfortable with. Someone who is as eager for and as comfortable with openness and intimacy as you are. Someone who is available! Edited January 14, 2022 by Lotsgoingon 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 22 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: In my situation Im referring to men, but I said partner because Im more interested in the concept, than just for my experiences. I know a lot of people think you should find someone else, but I think the push pull dynamic is quite common, and no one will be perfect. Most people have a fight or flight response, and what if you find a partner who's a great match, but they have avoidant tendencies. I would like to be educated on how to interact for the best results. Understand what drives this behaviour because I can't relate. I only withdraw if Im not into them, but then Im not coming back. I dont really mean people who are hot and cold in the beginning stage, because then I think they're just not that into me. I mean the people you form a deep connection with who reacts with flight-responses, who pull away if they feel you get to close, or pull away if they feel misunderstood, uncertain, who feels "off" when there's something wrong. Ive had guys who acted like this but long after would claim they were head over heels in love with me, and that they "dont understand" why they feel the way they do. One guy explained it as "We're not on the same wavelength right now and I dont know why", after we had an argument and I tried to make up the next day. He would ghost me after that for a few weeks, but then make contact and apologize and say he only needed to calm down, and that he knows its not fun when he does that, he just can't help it. And Ive had several of those experiences. Sometimes after arguments. But also sometimes when things seem to get to another level, and they go cold after. As if he got cold feet every time we connected well. Are you coming on too strong? Ie. getting attached very quickly? You mentioned deep connection and yet the way these individuals are behaving don't really demonstrate that there was a deep connection on their part. Not everyone is in it for the same reasons you are and some are looking for an escape too. Try to keep that in mind. There are a lot of people who are not comfortable being alone and need someone for the sake of needing another person. When there are a few bumps along the way, people scatter. That's just human nature sometimes when faced with trouble or adversity. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 13 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Im definitely an anxious attachment style. I tend to freak out when I feel them pull away. Ive become very aware of this, and when I feel them pull away I try by best to contain myself, not over contact etc. I don't feel like Im being "too much", I dont text too much etc. But in my experience you dont have to be "too much" for an avoidant partner to back away. Sometimes any loving or caring act, word etc will make them withdraw. To keep the relationship alive it requires a bit of warmth, but sometimes that scares people away. Ive been in situations where a partner will tell me they've lost feelings because the relationship became too casual, didn't go anywhere etc, at the same time the same person would panic when I tried to move things forward, and pull away. After some space, a few days of silence they would come back. Often these people have never been in a serious relationship. Ive tried to do my research, but i still find myself unable to understand what one should do. (Except find other partners, but often their avoidant tendencies doesn't show until its "too late"). Regardless of whether one should give up Im curious how one should bahave to move forward in a relationship with an avoidant partner. why are you saying you are anxious? What determined it? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 Are you certain these men you dated are "avoidants"? Still, there is no clear solution to dealing with an avoidant. Have you any idea if they are dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant? It might be helpful to know that. If you have the impression that you are being overly "needy," take some time for yourself. Remember that you have a constellation of unique quirks and needs of your own to consider as well. Try to do whatever is necessary to feel more secure in your connectedness and individuality while you can. It could take the form of therapy, meditation, or spending time with platonic friends. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 11 hours ago, Runninggirl said: more about understanding the push pull behaviour, from people who's actually interested. People who are actually interested don’t push and pull. They just pull - Push/pull behavior is not really healthy relationship behavior. If it happens a lot, you really need to consider whether this is a relationship and a person that you want in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, Runninggirl said: I mean the people you form a deep connection with who reacts with flight-responses, who pull away if they feel you get to close, or pull away if they feel misunderstood, uncertain, who feels "off" when there's something wrong. Sure, relationships are dynamic and people are not perfect, but what you are describing is not exactly mature, healthy relationship behavior. When there is conflict in a relationship or someone is feeling overwhelmed, fight or flight is not an uncommon way to act. It’s perfectly acceptable to take some distance and cool down - before coming back to talk about it. If he’s not coming back to talk to you in a reasonable amount of time (a few hours or a day), that speaks to someone who needs to develop better communication and conflict resolution skills. And everyone needs space in a relationship. Some people (introverts) need more space than others, but they should be able to tell you that they want some time to themselves and then they should come back to you when they few recharged. If he is not doing that, if he’s offering ridiculous excuses like you are getting “too close,” that tells me that he lacks the communication skills to express his needs. Instead, he blame shifts and tells you that you are expecting too much - 3 hours ago, Runninggirl said: He would ghost me after that for a few weeks, but then make contact and apologize and say he only needed to calm down, and that he knows its not fun when he does that, he just can't help it. Of course he can help it. Have you have a disagreement with someone and then not spoken to them for weeks - and then floated back into their life with no explanation of apology. I don’t think so - Ghosting is pretty extreme, most people who do this will give the silent treatment which is a manipulation tactic - it’s a punishment. You don’t do what I want - I’m going to stop talking to you (or in your case, disappear). I’m surprised you answered your phone - if someone disappears from my life for a few weeks, I would assume they do not want to be a part of my life… and I would make it so. 3 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Ive had several of those experiences. How old are these men you are dating? Edited January 14, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 (edited) l don't even know where to begin but encountering so many avoiding men your going for the wrong men, simple as that. And all this push pull and wth, way too much over analyzing , there's none of any of such games and bs if two people are genuinely interested in ea other. As for so called attachment stuff, again , just labels and more bs you don't need and shouldn't even be dealing with. Your clingy, simple as that, it's not rocket science. So when you find a guy that truly is "interested", try not to be too clingy especially early in. But that doesn't mean the opposite or games or cold. lf he's genuinely interested he won't go anywhere. And if he is genuinely interested you should also be able to talk about insecurities , and he should be right by your side. Honestly, it's your choices in men you need to be thinking about. Edited January 14, 2022 by chillii 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 2 minutes ago, chillii said: l don't even know where to begin but if your encountering so many men avoiding anything serious then your going for the wrong men, simple as that. And all this push pull and other stuff, way too much over analyzing , there's none of any of such games and bs if two people are genuinely interested in ea other. This is so true - well said! Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 (edited) I think it would be helpful if the OP defined "pull away" as it pertains to the men she dates. Push/pull gets an extremely bad rap on this forum, people liken it to PUA games/strategiy which I agree IS a bunch of BS. Truth is (imo of course and experience) is that it can be healthy to take lone time, time for yourself from time to time away from your partner. As I said in previous post, all my long term boyfriends did and they were madly in love with me throughout our entire relationship. And I attribute that, at least in part, to my allowing them to "pull away" and having their space and lone time without freaking out and screaming (or wondering) "he's pulling away, what does this mean, does he not like/love me anymore"? I had faith and trust in our love and connection and simply did my own thing. I might also add that being somewhat of an introvert, I also need/needed my fair share of space and lone time, to pull away from time to time. I would never last with a man whose mindset was when your partner pulls away, it means they don't care. It's just not true in every situation, it's too nuanced, never so black and white to make such a definitive statement like that. JMO Edited January 14, 2022 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 (edited) 12 hours ago, Runninggirl said: In my situation Im referring to men, Yes, obviously from your other threads I've helped you out on, you were talking about the last few men you dated. Agree. Let's not assume "partner" means same sex. Edited January 14, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
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