LookingToBeFree Posted January 12, 2022 Posted January 12, 2022 Hi everyone, I`m new here, hope this isn’t too wordy, but here goes. I am in a two year relationship, and I know that I am not in love and I know I don`t want to get married again, been there done that, twice. She is 12 years younger than me and has a 14 year old and an 11 year old, I have already raised my children. I know the easy answer is to leave the relationship if you know you don’t want anything long term, but that’s why I joined this community, to get some honest feedback. I guess I could trace the visceral feelings I get at the end of a relationship back to my childhood somewhere, even though neither parent left me while growing up, research indicates that I have all the symptoms of suffering from some degree of abandonment, because I COMPLETLEY fall apart at the end of a relationship, and I don`t just mean depression or the blues, I`m talking about full blown suicidal thoughts because the pain and loneliness is so intense that I just become frozen in fear!!! And the sad parts is, that I`m usually the one who breaks it off….jeesh. So here`s my dilemma, I know that I don`t want this relationship to end in marriage but I`m pretty sure my partner does. But I know that I am extremely unhappy, I also know that the right thing to do is to be honest and tell her my true feelings. But that`s the problem, my past tells me that initially I will feel elated and free but once she stops contacting me the loneliness, depression and fear will rear its ugly head and I fall into the pit of doom. So here`s my thoughts of something I`ve never done before. Do you think guys think that it would be wrong, immoral or just plain cowardly if I were to try and meet someone else before breaking up with my present partner? (yuk, it just sounds wrong even typing it out) So yeah, I know that thought is very cringy and cruel, but I honestly feel I can`t take another bout of that loneliness, I`m no spring chicken (maybe just a chicken ) but honestly I feel it`s the only way I can get through another one of these breakups without falling apart. And yes, I know I need to have other interests and not rely on another person to fulfill me, but I`m in my 50`s and I want to experience real love before I leave this spinning blue marble. Would love to hear your thoughts and comments.
smackie9 Posted January 12, 2022 Posted January 12, 2022 (edited) Some people do this intentionally. Can’t say it’s right but you won’t be sparing anyones feelings, not even your own. The repercussions are that everyone you know will find out what you did. Be sure there will be a fallout with friends and family. Second the person you decide to date will find out and all trust will be gone. You will end up with everyone hating you and more alone than you can ever imagine. Will it be worth so much risk? Edited January 12, 2022 by smackie9 1
Weezy1973 Posted January 12, 2022 Posted January 12, 2022 How about going to therapy now and talking about what you’ve experienced in the past and ways to cope if it happens again? You’re trying to find the “easy” way out, and that never works. 4
Author LookingToBeFree Posted January 12, 2022 Author Posted January 12, 2022 Well, that`s certainly encouraging.
Author LookingToBeFree Posted January 12, 2022 Author Posted January 12, 2022 My last comment was for smakie9 Weezy1973 yes I agree, been going for years, doing many types of therapies. I know there`s not an easy answer or easy way to cope, I just thought I would get some other thoughts, thank you.
ShyViolet Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 If having some flings, rebound relationships or one-night stands helps you to get through the pain of the breakup, then go for it, as long as you are HONEST with the people you encounter and let them know you're on the rebound and not jumping into another relationship. Lots of people do that. Is it the most healthy thing in the world? Maybe not. No matter what, you need to end your relationship. Not ending it just because YOU don't want to go through the pain of a breakup is selfish. So basically you are delaying the inevitable, messing with her life and wasting her time just to avoid having to go through pain yourself. The way you describe the depression and the pain you go through upon a breakup.... even you admit that it's TEMPORARY, you come out the other side of it. The fact that you've gone through it several times shows, by definition, that it's temporary. It sucks but you survive it. So this is just something you have to deal with. Absolutely, go to therapy. But don't waste this woman's time any longer. Set her free and then work on your issues. 1
Alvi Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 3 hours ago, LookingToBeFree said: I know I don`t want to get married again, been there done that, twice. Is she aware of that? Have you ever told her that you don't want to get married? Stuff like that should've been discussed probably on a second or third date. I am sure there are plenty of women out there who don't want to get married either, so maybe better date one them??? 3 hours ago, LookingToBeFree said: So here`s my dilemma, I know that I don`t want this relationship to end in marriage but I`m pretty sure my partner does. But I know that I am extremely unhappy, I also know that the right thing to do is to be honest and tell her my true feelings. Oh wow, I see. You never discussed it with her. So you basically were misleading her for the whole time you were together? So you basically used her the entire time you were together. How nice of you. And now, when the pressure is on to take things on the next level you want out. Still, you want to continue using her just to avoid YOUR pain of breaking up. How incredibly selfish, everything is about you. The entire post is about your pain and angst. Nothing about how it's going to make her feel. Please, do her a huge favor and end things with her so she could go on and find a guy who would want to marry her. In the future, please be more honest about your intentions and don't waste anybody's time. 2 1
chillii Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) Well , it's certainly common enough particularly in women monkey branching out of marriage and relationships, not saying guys don't they sure do but just it is extremely common in women. Agree with SV that if if the new person is fully aware or maybe just wants casual too then on that front , up to you both . There's still your then ex as you know butttt. l wouldn't do it myself and about your age divorced and unfortunately as we speak going through it myself as new partner isn't working out right now. l need time out , did after divorce and do now , could be yrs, don't know. l can't imagine how people even go from one heavy real thing into another, casual ok , but not a real relationship/marriage. Wouldn't work for me but seems to for some, just messes others up even more and also ends up hurting a lot of people. Edited January 13, 2022 by chillii
Seliana Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 OP, you already answered all of your questions. The sooner you break things off the better, don't waste any more of your girlfriend's life. Please stay in therapy, I have to say I'm shocked hearing these words come out of a 50 y/o's mouth.
glows Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) I think fear is keeping you single actually. You don’t know whether she wants marriage so this is an assumption on your part and a build up of negative emotion. Have you thought through what makes you unhappy in the relationship or did you draw that conclusion based on an assumption that you want different things? This seems more like you holding yourself back and denying yourself happiness. You keep recreating scenarios so you relive abandonment/trauma has happened in your past. If you decide you truly are unhappy for reasons valid to you, do everything you can even if that means therapy to get to the root of why you’re self-sabotaging and reliving issues in your past. Edited January 13, 2022 by glows
Calmandfocused Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 You don’t love her so I don’t think breaking up will affect you to the degree you think it will. The problem is that she will leave a big gaping hole in your life…. So plan before you break up how you will fill that big gaping hole… I do not mean other women. I mean with things that make you feel good and keep you busy. Please don’t cheat or monkey branch. Get over one relationship before you seek another. That way you will have a chance of finding love.
Wiseman2 Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 11 hours ago, LookingToBeFree said: I know I don`t want to get married again, been there done that, twice. She is 12 years younger than me and has a 14 year old and an 11 year old. I`m talking about full blown suicidal thoughts because the pain and loneliness is so intense Sorry this is happening. Don't string anyone along. The best thing you can do is get to your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Talk about the suicidal ideation. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.
smackie9 Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) 16 hours ago, LookingToBeFree said: Well, that`s certainly encouraging. Yes to encourage you to look at how it will affect those around you, to see it from a different perspective. That is part of the process in decision making. People with anxiety/depression, etc, only focus on themselves/ tunnel vision...and wonder why life is still a struggle dealing with fears. It's the first step in learning coping skills and working on those fears. Doing the right thing is way less painful than you think. You have a lot of resources to help you deal with fears, you just need to learn to accept, not fight it. Embrace change, change can be a very good thing. I always say, if your therapist is draining your wallet with no real results...which I'm assuming is happening or you wouldn't be turning to a forum for some help, try a different route. Do your research, find some helpful books, find a new therapist, seek out different treatment options. Edited January 13, 2022 by smackie9 1
mark clemson Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 Since you seem to have a personal distaste for monkeybranching, don't want to stay with your current partner, but also feel insecure on your own, one fairly straightforward solution to consider would be to break up and then quickly start dating again, e.g. with a short one week "grace period". That avoids monkeybranching + makes it less likely you will be lonely for too long. Consider switching therapists to see if a different one can come up with better approaches to help with your insecurities. There are no guarantees you will find someone, so if you really think you'll become suicidal it may be better to stay in the relationship? I would guess that when you start to feel unhappy alone, you come across as "needy" - from what I understand this can be a big turn off for many women. So it would probably be best for you for multiple reasons if you can find a way/therapy to address your insecurity once and for all. 1
Author LookingToBeFree Posted January 16, 2022 Author Posted January 16, 2022 Wow, I must say, I am completely overwhelmed with the well thought out responses from this community. It was so much, so fast that I had to take some extra time to read the posts over and over to make sure I was receiving all of the wisdom and counsel being offered. Some of it was hard to hear but I needed to hear it. Let me be clear, I have never monkey branched or cheated on my two spouses or in any relationship, ever. Just the opposite, I would sit in the pain and spiral downward trying to cope with it, I have been told by a few therapists that for some reason I take breakups way harder than most, even when I leave, for a myriad of reasons. I was merely throwing out the idea of having a few connections before leaving the relationship as a "hail mary", something I would have never have thought of doing before, out of desperation. I thought maybe I`m being unreasonable, and it is one way of minimizing the pain, but it would be at the expense of another human being, which is selfish and cruel. I do realize that I`m dealing with "Fearful Avoidance Attachment", I crave love and connection but when I get it I freak out, feel smothered and look for the door. But knowing the pain that awaits me on the other side of the door, I stay stuck in the threshold, becoming frozen with fear, damned if I leave and damned if I stay. I know I need to leave this relationship, it is inhuman to lead her on. And even though she has never pressed me or even asked me if this is leading to marriage, I can feel it, and maybe she is scared to bring it up because she knows the answer. So we both go one day at a time never talking about the future and our expectations for the relationship, I think it`s time. What support groups do you guys recommend I get involved with given my "Fearful Avoidance Attachment" and this overwhelming spiraling downward I experience after a relationship ends? Thank you again for your willingness to take your time and write out your responses. 1
glows Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 I wouldn’t seek informal support groups for attachment issues. Go straight to your doctor and describe your difficulties. The staff at the clinic can be very helpful and start listing resources for you in person in real time. Affordable therapy for example may come on a sliding scale dependent on your income. If you truly want to get to the bottom of why you are the way you are start seeking qualified help and depend less on informal groups and armchair diagnoses.
Author LookingToBeFree Posted January 16, 2022 Author Posted January 16, 2022 I 100% agree, I am working with someone who specializes in Attachment Therapy, been working with him for about 6 months now. He's the one who told me to start putting together a support system and to start by reaching out to online groups, in light of the pandemic. This is the first group I've posted on. I have also dealt with anxiety and panic attacks all my life and he suspects that a breakup for me triggers the panic, it's one of the reasons its so intense and overwhelming. We are considering getting on a short term anti-anxiety med to lessen the intensity so I will be able to still function and move through the grieving process a little better. 1
Pumpernickel Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 @LookingToBeFreebreakups are always difficult, no matter what - always an unpleasant experience …… but your username speaks volumes. It tells me where you want to be. The question is how to get there and how to enjoy that freedom. I wonder which of your childhood experiences still have the power to contribute to your fears. Also - another approach: If it’s “only” about getting married, why not sit her down and be open about it? Provided you’re otherwise satisfied in the relationship. You could tell her honestly that you never intend to get married again - ever. Again, that’s only useful if you are otherwise happy with her as a partner. Tell her you don’t want to change anything. Right now you’re only assuming what she wants. She’s never said it. Don’t assume. Ask. Talk. Otherwise, if that’s not an option - it’s often better to pull the plug quickly. Don’t overthink it. If you know that you don’t want this relationship anymore, that it has run its course, you gotta just do it. Because from experience I can tell you that it won’t get better. The feeling of wanting a change won’t disappear. Think a year down the road: What would it feel like if you’re still in the same place a year from now? Wouldn’t it be a better feeling if everything is already behind you by then? In a year, you can make a lot of progress. You will have dealt with a major portion of your fears by then. You will have progressed in therapy, hopefully. You may have met different people, made new friends. May have dated even. So …… envision what life could or would be a year from now.
BaileyB Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 2 hours ago, LookingToBeFree said: We are considering getting on a short term anti-anxiety med This seems like a very good plan.
Author LookingToBeFree Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 So, after rereading all the great responses, I have decided to do the following: Find a new therapist - I`ve realized after 6 or 7 months I`ve made almost zero progress, I need to get to the root of the visceral response that happens after a breakup and learn some coping skills. Have a talk with my partner - Let her know that I am not wanting to move towards marriage right now. Have an anti-anxiety med available in case she tells me to take a hike, and use it only if I feel myself spiraling out of control. Continue to post on this site, both reporting my progress and helping and supporting others with their issues. Put together a life outside of this or any other relationship - reconnect with friends, spend more time with family, start a new hobby, enhance my spiritual life, get out of my head and put my focus on helping others, volunteering and for goodness sake...STOP FREAKIN OVER ANALYZING EVERYTHING!
Wiseman2 Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 1 hour ago, LookingToBeFree said: I need to get to the root of the visceral response that happens after a breakup and learn some coping skills. Let her know that I am not wanting to move towards marriage right now. Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Make sure physical causes are ruled out. Discuss the panic attacks. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Do not keep stringing this women along.
dramafreezone Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) On 1/12/2022 at 2:20 PM, LookingToBeFree said: Do you think guys think that it would be wrong, immoral or just plain cowardly if I were to try and meet someone else before breaking up with my present partner? (yuk, it just sounds wrong even typing it out) So yeah, I know that thought is very cringy and cruel, but I honestly feel I can`t take another bout of that loneliness, I`m no spring chicken (maybe just a chicken ) but honestly I feel it`s the only way I can get through another one of these breakups without falling apart. Yeah to say it out loud it's wrong, this is very similar to what is called monkey branching. You basically find another relationship before ending the one you're in. It happens all the time though, whether right or wrong. Why don't you make an effort to address the lonlieness? Go see a therapist and get to the root of your issues instead of making other people suffer because you haven't addressed them? You deserve better and they deserve better. Edited January 17, 2022 by dramafreezone
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