Ex wants to take things slow - Should I give up?

[ConfusedInLoveAgain]

Hello I need opinions on my situation or I will start being anxious again.

Me and my boyfriend were together for over 1,5 years, and I was planning to move abroad to my home country next year. He broke up with me around 1,5 months ago because he didnt want neither of us get more hurt by staying longer together and then me leaving in the end. We stayed in contact and still met very often.

A bit later on I got the courage to say I want to stay in the country and that I made a mistake by leaving, I told him about my decision about staying and he was not happy about it and just very confused. I was very desperate and pushy towards him and he got scared really. Later I found out he was seeing and talking to other girls while we were still meeting up, even though we were not together. I got really mad and things led to him blocking me everywhere and he said he doesn't want anything to do with me.

I believe the reason he was upset to me as well, was because I i said want to stay is that he already in his mind broke up with me months ago knowing that I would be leaving. And it took me this long to realize that I need to want to stay in the country, I was in a crisis. It took him a long time to process in his mind that I am leaving and it was hard for him to actually break up with me and it took 4 months for him to do it.

I stopped contact and I went on a vacation for 2 weeks and he contacted me again and apologized and saying he wants to talk again when I come back and to take things slow but not to have any high expectations. We agreed to stay exclusive and not to see other people.

He came to pick me from the airport and we talked a bit and slept together, the next day we talked more and same thing happened. He texts me everyday and we met 2 times more last week. Each time we talked a bit about what happened and what we both expect, he says he cant make a decision yet because doesnt want us to break up like last time. He was upset and angry that we "argued" again about whats happening because I was maybe expecting too much. He said he is afraid if we move on too quick we will end up arguing again because he still loves and cares for me, but at the same time he thinks its hard to get back how we used to be.

He is texting me every day to say good morning and helping me with the process of getting an apartment. Also he is planning a vacation for us together. Everything sounds like something a couple would do?

However I see can tell the way he is texting his emotional barrier is still up and I can feel how reserved he is, I am too afraid to ask him to hang out I dont want to see too clingy. He is very busy with his hobby and we can only see each other on the weekends really. He always used told me "If i wouldn't love you I wouldn't be spending all this time with you and stay all week at your place."  Now there just isnt really time for me and Im afraid there wont be, am I maybe expecting too much at this point. He is making initiatives all the time and to meet up this weekend, but at the same time it was nothing like we used to be.

I feel sick of being this anxious and cant focus normally in my life, I would like to be as "chill" as he is about this. Its been a rollercoaster between us, and now its been around 1 month since I told him I will stay and would like to try again.

I am afraid we wont be able to proceed with the relationship if we wont see each other frequently, the excitement will fade out and we will get bored. Or maybe its the opposite you will be more excited to see each other.

How long should I give him time to figure out if we should be officially together?
Should I play hard to get and let him chase me to get the excitement back again?
Or should I just be myself and plan things together, asking him out?

Anyone has any idea what I should do, please share your experiences.

[glows]

Decide whether you’re staying in this country or moving home at any point.

The issue isn’t how to get back in the rl. It’s sorting whether or not you’re sticking around.

He can’t dictate your future or tell you what to do. All he can do is look out for himself and be expectant that you could leave at any time. 

Flip sides for a moment and think about how you would feel in his shoes. 

What are your plans? Do you know? What’s the confusion about going back home or why do you want to return to your home country at all? 

[ConfusedInLoveAgain]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Decide whether you’re staying in this country or moving home at any point.

The issue isn’t how to get back in the rl. It’s sorting whether or not you’re sticking around.

He can’t dictate your future or tell you what to do. All he can do is look out for himself and be expectant that you could leave at any time. 

Flip sides for a moment and think about how you would feel in his shoes. 

What are your plans? Do you know? What’s the confusion about going back home or why do you want to return to your home country at all? 

Hey! I will not move back, Ive been thinking about it a long time and I made some wrong decision in the past telling him, I was not 100% sure, but at that time I thought it would be the best thing to do. I told him as well everything and of course he was a bit confused at first, i think it will take time for him to understand I am actually here to stay.

The reason why I wanted to move is that I felt unhappy in the country I am staying, I started feeling homesick and had some depression back then for many reasons. I am staying here for work for the past 3,5 years now and I want to pursue my career now.

We had already plans together about moving together and getting a place, or he had all these plans and the fact that I told him I want to leave broke his heart. I want to just reassure him I was going through some rough times that time and I want to stay and ideally stay with him if this works.

We agreed that we will stay exclusive and not see other people while we figure things out, I just hope he could see how serious I am about him and that I am willing to do the work to make this work if he is as well. He said he always had doubts about me leaving and will have them, but I want to make sure we can come up with a plan in case something like me needing to move would happen, we could go together for example.

He was considering moving with me as well abroad, but then he thought it was not the right time in his life to do it, so he was willing to consider that which tells alot how much he wanted to be with me.

Now its my time to show that he can trust me, and we shouldve just communicated better since the beginning how this can be tackled.. I was too quick to make decisions and this is where we ended up!

[glows]

12 minutes ago, ConfusedInLoveAgain said:

Hey! I will not move back, Ive been thinking about it a long time and I made some wrong decision in the past telling him, I was not 100% sure, but at that time I thought it would be the best thing to do. I told him as well everything and of course he was a bit confused at first, i think it will take time for him to understand I am actually here to stay.

The reason why I wanted to move is that I felt unhappy in the country I am staying, I started feeling homesick and had some depression back then for many reasons. I am staying here for work for the past 3,5 years now and I want to pursue my career now.

We had already plans together about moving together and getting a place, or he had all these plans and the fact that I told him I want to leave broke his heart. I want to just reassure him I was going through some rough times that time and I want to stay and ideally stay with him if this works.

We agreed that we will stay exclusive and not see other people while we figure things out, I just hope he could see how serious I am about him and that I am willing to do the work to make this work if he is as well. He said he always had doubts about me leaving and will have them, but I want to make sure we can come up with a plan in case something like me needing to move would happen, we could go together for example.

He was considering moving with me as well abroad, but then he thought it was not the right time in his life to do it, so he was willing to consider that which tells alot how much he wanted to be with me.

Now its my time to show that he can trust me, and we shouldve just communicated better since the beginning how this can be tackled.. I was too quick to make decisions and this is where we ended up!

I know what it’s like to be in a foreign country and homesick. I think you’re both genuine in your care and love for one another. Give it time and be yourself. 

If you’ve initiated and made plans in the past, don’t lose your confidence doing so. Leave some room for him to make a suggestion so your expectations aren’t crushed. For example, if you’d like to visit a museum this weekend, ask him what he thinks about the idea. 

Spend more time together and create new memories. Spend more time laughing and being yourselves. 

On the career front, remain focused and do what you need to do to do well and excel. You’re the driving force of that. Your career is dependent on how much motivation or effort you want to put into it. If the relationship doesn’t work out, tell yourself you’ll have gained your career and experience. Regardless of what happens that’s something you pursue for yourself alone. It is not tied to or dependant on any man or relationship at the time. Your boyfriend will see that in your actions and determination. If you don’t seem grounded in that area it’s difficult for someone like him to trust where you’re going or what you’re doing. Let your actions speak for itself.

[ConfusedInLoveAgain]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

I know what it’s like to be in a foreign country and homesick. I think you’re both genuine in your care and love for one another. Give it time and be yourself. 

If you’ve initiated and made plans in the past, don’t lose your confidence doing so. Leave some room for him to make a suggestion so your expectations aren’t crushed. For example, if you’d like to visit a museum this weekend, ask him what he thinks about the idea. 

Spend more time together and create new memories. Spend more time laughing and being yourselves. 

On the career front, remain focused and do what you need to do to do well and excel. You’re the driving force of that. Your career is dependent on how much motivation or effort you want to put into it. If the relationship doesn’t work out, tell yourself you’ll have gained your career and experience. Regardless of what happens that’s something you pursue for yourself alone. It is not tied to or dependant on any man or relationship at the time. Your boyfriend will see that in your actions and determination. If you don’t seem grounded in that area it’s difficult for someone like him to trust where you’re going or what you’re doing. Let your actions speak for itself.

Yeah I am really trying not to push him too much to spend time with me, I really think during the week he has no time because of his hobby, which takes 4-5 times a week. And regarding of being grounded and committing to stay in the country I am looking for a new apartment now to stay in and I also bought a vehicle which Ive been thinking to get a really long time now, I want to settle down and I hope he can see that as well.

Today I casually asked him if he wants to join me and my friends for a movie that we are going, but he said no there will be a match he wants to watch. It got me a bit upset to think he doesnt want to make time for me like he used to do, but even when we were together he actually had to watch these games every time they came on TV it was his priority  

He asked to go meet up with his friends this weekend and I said yes, I just feel I really need more time with him to actually reconnect and not just to meet 1-2 times a week. 

Last weekend I asked if he has any plans for the weekend and we actually the ended up going on some dates during the day. On that weekend however I asked him to come to my place for the night like we used to always do, but he said he doesnt he was already stayed night and doesnt want to now and I am just afraid of getting rejected all over again. 
I dont like that feeling that I need to control my "urges" to ask too much of his time, I need to really let him come to me..

And the fact that he is planning for us to go on a vacation next month makes me even confused but hopeful at the same time, I just dont know what is the right pace!
 

Edited January 12, 2022 by ConfusedInLoveAgain

[glows]

Let him lead with the pace then but be aware if this is no longer working for you.

You’re operating with a lot of anxiety which is worsened because it seems he’s pulling away. He seems interested and looking forward to being with you.

Engaging more with his friends and hobbies like watching a match sounds healthy to me. If you don’t want to go out with his friends that is ok also. Don’t feel obligated to do so for every single invite. You’ve said you would go for this event so follow through and go. 

[ConfusedInLoveAgain]

54 minutes ago, glows said:

Let him lead with the pace then but be aware if this is no longer working for you.

You’re operating with a lot of anxiety which is worsened because it seems he’s pulling away. He seems interested and looking forward to being with you.

Engaging more with his friends and hobbies like watching a match sounds healthy to me. If you don’t want to go out with his friends that is ok also. Don’t feel obligated to do so for every single invite. You’ve said you would go for this event so follow through and go. 

That makes sense, my anxiety doesnt make this any better. I need to come to terms that this might not even work and get over the break up. Its just not easy when he is texting me all the time and discussing life, I feel like im falling in love again and im not sure if he is on the same page as me.

But lets see after this weekend how things will go, im trying to stay calm and be myself. And i like his friends a lot so I dont mind going with them, I just hope we will get some alonetime as well at some point more. Is it too much to expect he wants to hangout the whole weekend, i just need more time to connect with him than once a week really

[glows]

30 minutes ago, ConfusedInLoveAgain said:

That makes sense, my anxiety doesnt make this any better. I need to come to terms that this might not even work and get over the break up. Its just not easy when he is texting me all the time and discussing life, I feel like im falling in love again and im not sure if he is on the same page as me.

But lets see after this weekend how things will go, im trying to stay calm and be myself. And i like his friends a lot so I dont mind going with them, I just hope we will get some alonetime as well at some point more. Is it too much to expect he wants to hangout the whole weekend, i just need more time to connect with him than once a week really

I would suggest you spend more time with your friends and get more grounded with your own life. Don't let yourself be consumed by what happens in this relationship, his friends or wanting more alone time with him. He's not a bandaid solution either for your homesickness or feeling isolated if you feel isolated in this country.

Let the intimacy happen spontaneously without it feeling like an invitation for sex or planning to have him over on weekends or extended stays. It gets dull repeating the same routines and even though it feels comforting, it's not really helping you grow. It's difficult because you have history together but you staying in this country has nothing to do with him. Cultivate other interests and make the most out of your stay. Explore new areas and make plans to venture out on your own or your friends.

Don't keep chasing after a man. Do your own thing and let yourselves move in the same direction if that's where you're both headed. 

[ConfusedInLoveAgain]

5 hours ago, glows said:

I would suggest you spend more time with your friends and get more grounded with your own life. Don't let yourself be consumed by what happens in this relationship, his friends or wanting more alone time with him. He's not a bandaid solution either for your homesickness or feeling isolated if you feel isolated in this country.

Let the intimacy happen spontaneously without it feeling like an invitation for sex or planning to have him over on weekends or extended stays. It gets dull repeating the same routines and even though it feels comforting, it's not really helping you grow. It's difficult because you have history together but you staying in this country has nothing to do with him. Cultivate other interests and make the most out of your stay. Explore new areas and make plans to venture out on your own or your friends.

Don't keep chasing after a man. Do your own thing and let yourselves move in the same direction if that's where you're both headed. 

Hey, thank you for all your kind words it really, im trying to switch all this in my mind so I wouldnt have to worry all the time.

I think I will give him maximum 3 months to decide, unless things have progressed between us naturally without me needing to ask anything.. time is my biggest enemy now when you feel anxious.

im trying to get myself to therapy at the same time, this breakup really took a hit on my mental health.. i thought it wouldnt be continuing like this

[glows]

15 hours ago, ConfusedInLoveAgain said:

Hey, thank you for all your kind words it really, im trying to switch all this in my mind so I wouldnt have to worry all the time.

I think I will give him maximum 3 months to decide, unless things have progressed between us naturally without me needing to ask anything.. time is my biggest enemy now when you feel anxious.

im trying to get myself to therapy at the same time, this breakup really took a hit on my mental health.. i thought it wouldnt be continuing like this

From the things you’ve said, there’s a lot of movement in your life. Let things calm down and start getting back into the mindset that you’re staying. 

Sometimes people don’t necessarily fit into our lives despite us wanting them there. You have your job and a life in this country so make the most out of it. 

Try therapy if you feel it might help but I think the best option is to recognize when situations or certain kinds of people aren’t welcome in your life. Setting limits is a good idea but hearing this I’m also seeing that you’re struggling quite a lot.

You both may have outgrown each other. Perhaps you’re resentful that he broke up with you before you left or that he was rebounding so hard talking to other women right away. Do you respect this man? It’s important you can respect the person you’re with. Without the basis of respect and trust this won’t work. 

Keep posting if it helps. I’m sure others will chime in too.  

[ConfusedInLoveAgain]

@glows We were facetiming today and spoke about not meeting so often and he just told me he isnt sure if he is ready to commit again and he knows i expect more time with him. He also told me he doesnt want me to misunderstand him he isnt just sure if he is ready to go through all of it again. I just said yeah im willing to give time but in the end I want to be with someone who wants a relationship.  

He isnt ready to let me go yet but I can never know if his mind will change. Thats the worst part in all of this.

Also something he told me before got me a bit alarmed - he told me he feels responsible for me and that he doesnt want to see me hurt because i dont have my family here. Like he wants to help me out but i think because of the feeling of responsibility rather than love. I will not accept any of his help from now on really now that I know this.

I will try process my way to detach from him even I know it will be hard, and we spoke a bit more yesterday that If we see things are not progressing anywhere then its time to walk out, time will tell. He said ’yes agree lets see’. I will try to be strict with him and not let him get under my skin anymore.

Regarding the vacation i will talk to him about it if he brings it up again if its smart to go now that we are not even a couple. And going together would be something that committed people do, we did it before however last year after i told i will leave. Maybe thats why it sounds like a good idea to him because we had fun.

I just dont know how to proceed, I think we are meeting today and tomorrow we already have something planned with his friends.

He texts me everyday which makes this very hard for me to try detach from him, I dont know what to say to him or should I just keep going like normal. Meeting him sometimes when he wants to - which sounds stupid now that I am hearing it but he wants things to go on his pace. I told him yesterday I dont want to ask him out because I want to hear it from him, and he said he knows that.

I dont really know how to handle this situation in reality now, should we have a talk that I cant do this or will I keep trying to be as normal as I can be and see what he wants

[glows]

3 hours ago, ConfusedInLoveAgain said:

@glows We were facetiming today and spoke about not meeting so often and he just told me he isnt sure if he is ready to commit again and he knows i expect more time with him. He also told me he doesnt want me to misunderstand him he isnt just sure if he is ready to go through all of it again. I just said yeah im willing to give time but in the end I want to be with someone who wants a relationship.  

He isnt ready to let me go yet but I can never know if his mind will change. Thats the worst part in all of this.

Also something he told me before got me a bit alarmed - he told me he feels responsible for me and that he doesnt want to see me hurt because i dont have my family here. Like he wants to help me out but i think because of the feeling of responsibility rather than love. I will not accept any of his help from now on really now that I know this.

I will try process my way to detach from him even I know it will be hard, and we spoke a bit more yesterday that If we see things are not progressing anywhere then its time to walk out, time will tell. He said ’yes agree lets see’. I will try to be strict with him and not let him get under my skin anymore.

Regarding the vacation i will talk to him about it if he brings it up again if its smart to go now that we are not even a couple. And going together would be something that committed people do, we did it before however last year after i told i will leave. Maybe thats why it sounds like a good idea to him because we had fun.

I just dont know how to proceed, I think we are meeting today and tomorrow we already have something planned with his friends.

He texts me everyday which makes this very hard for me to try detach from him, I dont know what to say to him or should I just keep going like normal. Meeting him sometimes when he wants to - which sounds stupid now that I am hearing it but he wants things to go on his pace. I told him yesterday I dont want to ask him out because I want to hear it from him, and he said he knows that.

I dont really know how to handle this situation in reality now, should we have a talk that I cant do this or will I keep trying to be as normal as I can be and see what he wants

You’re both dating exclusively. What sort of commitment are you looking for? The term relationship is just a word. If you cannot sense that he’s 100% into this and seems on the fence, end it. 

You were preemptive in the decision to leave for your home country. It’s not as if you lied and cheated on him for years. In my opinion, dragging this out and holding a grudge against you and sulking that he doesn’t want a “relationship”, is “not ready” is quite juvenile since it’s also protracted and ongoing. He doesn’t forgive you for something like this? How do you expect to go through life with a person who is so begrudging and cold over the smallest matters? 

I would reconsider at this point whether this man is toying with you to massage his own ego and enjoy the perks of sex and companionship. I don’t get the sense that he respects you or actually cares what you think and feel. This is different from the impression I had earlier. 

If he treats you as if you are fragile and vulnerable, he’s not treating you as his equal. Yes, do start taking more initiative and control over your own life.

To keep someone around without treating that person well or knowingly stringing someone along is the lowest of the low in my opinion. I have very little respect for individuals who do not have the courage to break things off when they know it’s not working, at the expense of someone else. There’s lack of integrity.

Remember always that it’s your life you’re deciding over and your time is precious. While I know you love him, have some self-respect also and let go of someone who doesn’t make you a priority.

Think about the circumstances and whether his behaviours and reactions are reasonable and don’t waste your time. There are a million and one things to do and see and people to meet. Don’t waste away like this twisting yourself into different shapes hoping he will be certain about you when he’s clearly showing he isn’t. 

[ConfusedInLoveAgain]

23 hours ago, ConfusedInLoveAgain said:

@glows We were facetiming today and spoke about not meeting so often and he just told me he isnt sure if he is ready to commit again and he knows i expect more time with him. He also told me he doesnt want me to misunderstand him he isnt just sure if he is ready to go through all of it again. I just said yeah im willing to give time but in the end I want to be with someone who wants a relationship.  

He isnt ready to let me go yet but I can never know if his mind will change. Thats the worst part in all of this.

Also something he told me before got me a bit alarmed - he told me he feels responsible for me and that he doesnt want to see me hurt because i dont have my family here. Like he wants to help me out but i think because of the feeling of responsibility rather than love. I will not accept any of his help from now on really now that I know this.

I will try process my way to detach from him even I know it will be hard, and we spoke a bit more yesterday that If we see things are not progressing anywhere then its time to walk out, time will tell. He said ’yes agree lets see’. I will try to be strict with him and not let him get under my skin anymore.

Regarding the vacation i will talk to him about it if he brings it up again if its smart to go now that we are not even a couple. And going together would be something that committed people do, we did it before however last year after i told i will leave. Maybe thats why it sounds like a good idea to him because we had fun.

I just dont know how to proceed, I think we are meeting today and tomorrow we already have something planned with his friends.

He texts me everyday which makes this very hard for me to try detach from him, I dont know what to say to him or should I just keep going like normal. Meeting him sometimes when he wants to - which sounds stupid now that I am hearing it but he wants things to go on his pace. I told him yesterday I dont want to ask him out because I want to hear it from him, and he said he knows that.

I dont really know how to handle this situation in reality now, should we have a talk that I cant do this or will I keep trying to be as normal as I can be and see what he wants

We met last night and he told me maybe its better to stop. He doesnt want to make me feel like a fool.

He ended up staying the night at my place and we talked and had sex. We said its best not to stay in contact and he told me if there is anything you need tell me if i need help with the moving or anything. He was very upset and crying because he had to make the decision, I just felt a lump in my heart the whole time. He just said he doesnt feel like he used to feel, he already made his decision and wasnt ready to meet after all this. He was missing me and thought it was the right thing to do to start trying again. He said he wants me to be happy and that I will survive this, it was really heartbreaking to hear it.

Maybe we shouldnt have spent the night together but alteast we talked and said to end things in good terms. 

After we said our goodbyes and he left I texted him telling that I expected this to happen and that im OK with it. If he wants to as friends by time thats ok if we will see each other somewhere. I deleted all of our conversations and i dont feel the need to text him anymore or even see him. I felt a bit bad when i saw him yesterday, it felt wrong in a way. So i know this was the best thing to do

at the moment i feel just empty, i have no tears no nothing, just a bad feeling in my heart. I hope this isnt the start of the depression I will go through but that i already went through the worst over the past months..

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, ConfusedInLoveAgain said:

. I hope this isnt the start of the depression I will go through 

It's unclear why you don't see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Addressing your depression and anxiety is better for you in the long run. Would have saved him and you a lot of headaches and headaches.

[glows]

3 hours ago, ConfusedInLoveAgain said:

We met last night and he told me maybe its better to stop. He doesnt want to make me feel like a fool.

He ended up staying the night at my place and we talked and had sex. We said its best not to stay in contact and he told me if there is anything you need tell me if i need help with the moving or anything. He was very upset and crying because he had to make the decision, I just felt a lump in my heart the whole time. He just said he doesnt feel like he used to feel, he already made his decision and wasnt ready to meet after all this. He was missing me and thought it was the right thing to do to start trying again. He said he wants me to be happy and that I will survive this, it was really heartbreaking to hear it.

Maybe we shouldnt have spent the night together but alteast we talked and said to end things in good terms. 

After we said our goodbyes and he left I texted him telling that I expected this to happen and that im OK with it. If he wants to as friends by time thats ok if we will see each other somewhere. I deleted all of our conversations and i dont feel the need to text him anymore or even see him. I felt a bit bad when i saw him yesterday, it felt wrong in a way. So i know this was the best thing to do

at the moment i feel just empty, i have no tears no nothing, just a bad feeling in my heart. I hope this isnt the start of the depression I will go through but that i already went through the worst over the past months..

I’m sorry to hear this. Yes, it sounds like he was no longer in it and couldn’t go back on a decision he made earlier to end things.

Frankly, if he could give you up like that the first time and not completely see himself with you again, he wasn’t ever compatible enough with you to begin with. 

I say this because you may beat yourself up or wonder what if, ie. what if you hadn’t told him you wanted to go home. Not to minimize the concern but that he wasn’t rejoicing and fully committed and happy to resume a relationship when you decided to stay speaks volumes. He had hesitations about the relationship for a long time. Instead, it was as if you put a kink in his plans to move on when you decided to stay. You are so much better off without this man.