Girlfriend has given up on our relationship over something that was out of my control

[Doesitmatter]

This week I am going through a breakup with my Girlfriend, my head is in pieces because this is a last thing I've expected. Finding out that she has given up on me over something thats not in our control is what doesn't add up for me. More on that in a moment.

Me and her have been in a relationship for a few years now, we have a house together etc. Since we met, we've always enjoyed each others company, we used to go on plenty of walks and travelled to different places. Both also physically active in the gym. At the same time we also have enjoyed being in our house and spending lazy days watching films, cooking together or what not.

The past year however this all changed due to the fact that I've had a medical condition that made me stuck at home for 8 months, I was physically unable to move outside the house because of constant medical care, and that was just to await an operation as in Covid times the delays in hospitals are unreal. This condition has changed everything. We ended up at home 24/7 (which I understand is never good for a relationship, people get tired of constantly being together as they need their own space), I was in pain and limited to what I could do physically, at the same time my mental state obviously was not the same because of this. 
 

As the months went on, ive noticed a change in her behaviour, and i tried several times to talk to her, so we could both open up on how we feel and to ensure that this situation were in is not forever and it will end. Many times we've said were tired being at home constantly but we couldnt help it, had to stick through it. I even went out of my way even though I shouldn't have to try and get out of the house to go to the odd cinema or do something because the thought of her being stuck at home because of me, has taxed me double. With the conversations I've tried to prevent the worst from happening which is the relationship falling apart because of something that is not my fault. 
 

However, as of this week, my (ex)Girlfriend declared that she wants to split because she feels this isnt the same as it was before. At this point it hit me because I am now on the last stretch of mending and getting back to normality, and she comes in and says that she has simply given up on me and us because of something that was beyond my control.

I feel so damn awful with all this, I feel betrayed because even though I battled with my condition I also gave my 200% to prevent this falling apart to only finding out that whilst I did this, she simply has given up... At this point i packed what i could and left to stay with my parents for a few days, I couldnt be in the same room with her at this point.

And today... she called me to explain that she has made a bad decision and done it too quickly and was blinded by the fact that what I went through messed everything up. She threw all these years away not realising how special it all was etc. This for me is confusing even more, because at first she was adamant on wanting to end this for around a month, and suddenly turns around with a statement that she made the decision too quick? Does not add up.

Would be great to speak to someone with a similar past issue like this. Head is all over the place and need some opinions.

PS apologies for the essay, had to vent somewhere

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Doesitmatter said:

Me and her have been in a relationship for a few years now, we have a house together etc. 

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together?

Can either of you buy the other out of the house? If you are not staying there she needs to pay you rent for using the house.

Sever all financial ties. Talk to your banker, realtor or whatever it takes to get it sorted out. 

Anyone can break up for any reason. However, you do not have to leave your own home.

It's ridiculous of her to breakup while living together. Sort that out.

Ask her to move out. She doesn't have to, but it will make it more bearable.

Is she seeing someone else?

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Doesitmatter]

@Wiseman2 Been around 4 years now, lived with each other for 2 years.

In terms of buying this isn't an issue, were both leasing we can break out of contract at any point really, so no much issue there. I decided not to stay because I don't wanna be near her whilst I straighten my mind and come to my senses with this.

As for seeing someone else, she told me that there isn't anyone. Whether that's true or not I don't know, and don't really wanna find out at this point as its not important now.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Doesitmatter said:

@Wiseman2  were both leasing we can break out of contract at any point really, 

Excellent. At least you are not stuck in a mortgage.

Renting a place together for a couple of years is a good time to figure out that you are both not happy and that you are incompatible.

Get all your stuff out of the house, get your name off the bills and lease. 

It's not your illness that ended things. You just weren't committed to each other and living together wasn't working.

It seems boredom, finances and both of you withdrawing had a lot more to do with this.

Committed people go through hardships all the time. This is a relationship problem, not due to your medical problems.

Edited January 12, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Doesitmatter]

@Wiseman2

That's the issue though, prior to the illness everything was great. We travelled we did things. 

If it is in fact boredom, then it is because we've been stuck at home due to my illness and really couldn't do much as a result the same way we used to. Thing is, we knew this period was going to end as soon as I've had my operation, but that was a 6 month wait. Its not something that would have affected us long term. 

Financially we were fine, saving up for a house in the meantime if I'm going to be honest.

In terms of commitment, I was committed, but it looks like when the going got tough she ran away from it.

[mark clemson]

I've found in life that when "things don't add up" there are indeed reasons for it, just that the actual reasons/facts are at least partly obscured.

With sudden breakups, something is going on. Maybe she feels she has outgrown you, the passion has died (for her), there's someone else she feels attracted to, she is unconsciously uncomfortable with stable relationships due to a bad childhood, she's secretly started drinking, she plans to move to a new area and figures she needs to "clean house" to do so, etc, etc, etc.

I can't tell you exactly what it is, but it's something. The illness you mention may have had a lot to do with it (or maybe not).

People aren't always forthcoming about the real reasons they leave, partly because often discussion offers little for them except delaying their choice/making things more difficult. Sometimes they aren't even fully conscious of them. So, you can ask to probe "the real" reasons, but don't get your hopes up overmuch for an accurate and detailed response beyond what was already given. Your assessment that she couldn't handle the current difficulties may well be accurate.

Sorry you are in this situation, it's often very tough to deal with. However, one can't make someone genuinely want to stay if they really don't. So, recognizing and accepting the situation is often the best and most advantageous approach (for you) so you don't waste time and energy "pining" and hoping for a turnaround that's extremely unlikely to happen.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/12/2022 at 4:26 AM, Doesitmatter said:

@Wiseman2
we knew this period was going to end as soon as I've had my operation, but that was a 6 month wait. 

Unfortunately people can breakup for any reason. You seem to believe that the illness was the only issue.

However many couples face adversity without falling apart. So being stuck living together and the boredom and all the other factors led to the breakup.

[elaine567]

Is your "condition" really fixable with an op or does she maybe think this is something that will always haunt your relationship?
Relationships are hard enough without adding illness to the mix, especially if you are young and supposedly fit and healthy.
I guess she got to the end of her tether with the situation, and decided to break up with you.
Once the reality of what she had done hit home, she felt she made the wrong decision. 
But it is difficult to know whether she wants to reconcile because she truly made the wrong decision or because she now feels lonely and alone? 
Once a split like this occurs, the trust is often gone and whilst you may take her back, living with the knowledge that she may decide to leave again, can be difficult to do.
It can lead to anxiety, insecurity and always being on edge...

I have always been a great believer in never going back, but that may just be me.

[Doesitmatter]

@elaine567

I believe the condition is very much fixable. I am nearing the end of my recovery currently.

As for the reality hitting hard then yeah i can see how its hit her, because now she is backtracking everything. Yesterday when i went to collect some more of my things, she has been saying sorry a million times, and trying to hug me. I rejected it because physically I couldn't it, even though as much as I wanted to. Really difficult moments, they really were.

As for trust, you're completely right. She has lost all my trust at the moment, even though I still really love her. I really do. But the point is in the back of my mind I know that I didn't give up on us, and she did... now the reality hits, she suddenly seems like she is realising what is gone, why now? 
 

It hurts, it really does.

[glows]

I think it’s best to move forward with leaving and starting over on your own. My guess is she was comparing herself/her relationship with others or other couples and lost sight of the bigger picture. How old are both of you? 

If you both are to reconcile much later down the line there will always be the question of whether she’ll desert you when things are an inconvenience. She may not have the maturity you’re looking for in a partner. 

Don’t get back together in a knee jerk reaction or out of a sense of loss or in a state where you can’t trust her. I’d take the time now to yourself to recuperate and heal fully. Things will be a lot clearer in the coming weeks/months.

 

[Doesitmatter]

@glows, thanks for the response, I appreciate it.

She did in fact mention that because everything bad that has happened in terms of my illness has clouded her judgement on our history where for her it was the happiest time of her life and as an effect lost sight of us as a bigger picture really. The point here is, why say all this, and simply give up, when times get tough? We are both 26 years of age btw.

I agree with everything else you say, I need space and time to figure out how I feel. My head is in a blender with all the anger, sadness and dissapointment to be honest, cause i expected she understood what we went through. Clearly i was wring though

 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Doesitmatter said:

@glows, thanks for the response, I appreciate it.

She did in fact mention that because everything bad that has happened in terms of my illness has clouded her judgement on our history where for her it was the happiest time of her life and as an effect lost sight of us as a bigger picture really. The point here is, why say all this, and simply give up, when times get tough? We are both 26 years of age btw.

I agree with everything else you say, I need space and time to figure out how I feel. My head is in a blender with all the anger, sadness and dissapointment to be honest, cause i expected she understood what we went through. Clearly i was wring though

 

It's natural to feel angry and disappointed. However she too was disappointed in a way. Both of you are after all is said and done. That age in your teens and 20s is the time most people feel invincible and illness or catastrophe is the last thing on the mind. I can also empathize in her view. In the end you may find staying angry only hurts you and prevents you from healing and what's happened. 

She admitted her mistake and is feeling remorseful so give yourselves that time apart to breathe and reconsider. You may miss each other but this is also a good time for both of you to reflect if you are compatible after all. 

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, Doesitmatter said:

She did in fact mention that because everything bad that has happened in terms of my illness has clouded her judgement on our history where for her it was the happiest time of her life and as an effect lost sight of us as a bigger picture really. The point here is, why say all this, and simply give up, when times get tough? We are both 26 years of age btw.

While illness can certainly put undue pressure on a relationship, those are also the times when you find out whether your partner is a "fight or flight" type of person, and whether you can rely on them to support you and stay at your side through the difficult parts of life. Situations like this can either bring a couple closer, or drive them apart. You said that your health situation is improving and you are at the end of the difficult period. Perhaps this is why she's decided it's worth it to stay with you. What happens the next time life gets difficult? If I were you, I would judge her by her actions and not her words. Situations like this show what a person is made of. 

Personally, I have no patience for someone who turns their back on their significant other during a difficult health issue. I realize you two are not married, but it's still something to think about. I married my second husband knowing he had stage III cancer. After we married, he turned into the worst person on earth - controlling and emotionally abusive. I told him I would not live with him and take this abuse. I moved out - twice. However,  I always stayed involved with him (and would move back in with him when he needed help) and supported him right to the very end. 

Life is full of challenges. The partner you choose should want to stand by your side through thick and thin.

[vla1120]

I should also add that when I was diagnosed with breast cancer myself, my husband of 32 years was nowhere to be found. That's one reason I left him. I felt like I went through that on my own.

Like I said, the truly difficult times will show you who is standing by your side. You have to decide whether that's a person you want to be with you through the worst of things (and that depends on if he/she will even stay.)

[Doesitmatter]

@vla1120

Thank You for the response, I'm really sorry for what happened to you previously, having cancer and seeing that your other half at the time was no where to be found must have been heart breaking. 
 

But just with this example, you seem to understand exactly how I am feeling here although my illness wasn't life threating, but it was serious, because if untreated it could have affected my life long term.

But yes I agree with the fact that this exact moment shows what kind of person she is. And if she is backtracking and wants to somehow try and repair this, then i gotta see way more than words. Nevertheless, i need my space for the time being to straighten my mind and think it through. On one side I've lost all my trust, im dissapointed, angry and dont want anything to do with her right now, but on the other end I really do love her, and if I remember all of these times we've had in the past it puts my mind in a blender. I need space to think and get more clarity, then decide.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/12/2022 at 9:08 AM, Doesitmatter said:

This for me is confusing even more, because at first she was adamant on wanting to end this for around a month, and suddenly turns around with a statement that she made the decision too quick? Does not add up.

Maybe she has been talking to someone else who has since made it clear he doesn't want to try things out with her. 

[Doesitmatter]

@ExpatInItaly, I've asked her if there was anyone else. She sweared on her family's life that she would never do anything like this. 
 

Whether thats true or not, or whether I believe her at this point, I don't know and I don't know if I care. Damage has been done

[Interstellar]

what’s your ages? if there’s no red flags or exes in the background whatsoever you should’ve asked her to get married after two years.

the odds of you breaking up are very high if you live in together before marriage. but at least you find out what she’s like.

Edited January 14, 2022 by Interstellar

[basil67]

I noticed a couple of red flags in what you wrote.  They may be something or they may be nothing, but I thought I'd explore them just in case it's significant.

On 1/12/2022 at 7:08 PM, Doesitmatter said:

my mental state obviously was not the same because of this. 

Yes, I can only imagine how much your mental state suffered being ill for so long.  Can I ask how your different mental state affected you....and her?   I'm wondering if you were essentially the same person, or if the unwell you was quite different to the man she knew and loved.  

On 1/12/2022 at 7:08 PM, Doesitmatter said:

I even went out of my way even though I shouldn't have to try and get out of the house to go to the odd cinema or do something because the thought of her being stuck at home because of me, has taxed me double.

 

I think it's very thoughtful that you went out of your way to go out with her and try to do some nice things together.  But why was she "stuck at home" because of you?   Did she not go out with friends and still lead a kind of normal life?  

The reason I ask, is that caring can take a toll on a person.  Even if it's not active caring, and just emotional support, it can still wear one down.    I can see judgements on her for being "that kind of person" or questioning her faithfulness, but fact is, not everyone or all relationships are able to sustain a period of ongoing illness in a partner and I wonder if she was simply worn out and too much had changed.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Were there contributing factors such as financial setbacks, or not getting appropriate health aides, friends and family to assist you?

It's odd if this was necessary surgery, that you would be on a 6 mos waiting list.

Did you stop working? Were you getting disability payments? Were you going to physical therapy? Did you become dependent on opioids?

There's a lot of factors that could contribute to the breakdown of a relationship. While this medical issue was not in your control, it doesn't seem to be the only factor.