Otter2569 Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 The question that nobody ever likes to be asked: Have you done this before with anyone else? or have you done this before with other (insert gender)? How do you best answer this? I spent the weekend at my place with a woman I am dating and got that question at least a few times. Of course the real answer is yes (I am middle aged plus have been a bachelor for 10 years). I am lucky to have had some awesome experiences but being questioned and answering honestly in the heat of the moment is likely to completely ruin the mood. 2
FMW Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 I would answer honestly but not go into details. If the woman at issue is also middle aged then I don't know why she asked such a question, surely you're not the first person she's spent the weekend with. If she's significantly younger then she's going to need to be able to accept that you have lived an adult life for many years and haven't lived like a monk. 5
Happy Lemming Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 What is the context?? Did she want to do those "things" with you?? or did she just want to know for her own knowledge about your past?? I'm guarded about my past, so I have a tendency to lie if I know it will upset my partner or "ruin the mood". Your girlfriend knew she wasn't getting a virgin, your past is your past... leave it there. As long as you don't have any STD's that need to be discussed, it really is none of her business.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 I would turn it around and ask her why it's important to her if you have done X,Y or Z with anyone else before. 2
Wiseman2 Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 16 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: The question that nobody ever likes to be asked: Have you done this before with anyone else? or have you done this before with other (insert gender)? Change the subject to "It's just us two here now so lets focus on us". Remember your Miranda rights to remain silent: Anything you say can and will be used against you. 5
glows Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 (edited) It's a bit tactless. Wouldn't she be able to tell instantly whether you've done it before? I'd reconsider seeing her if she keeps pressing for verbal confirmation or wants to each intimate get together into a discussion. Edited January 10, 2022 by glows 1
Author Otter2569 Posted January 10, 2022 Author Posted January 10, 2022 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Remember your Miranda rights to remain silent: Anything you say can and will be used against you. Exactly. I get that deer in the headlights look as my mind searches for a non mood kill response. 1 1
Author Otter2569 Posted January 10, 2022 Author Posted January 10, 2022 5 minutes ago, glows said: It's a bit tactless. Wouldn't she be able to tell instantly whether you've done it before? I'd reconsider seeing her if she keeps pressing for verbal confirmation or wants to turn a discussion into each intimate get together. Totally. Frankly I don't care what anyone else has or hasn't done. Like you say, it should be pretty obvious. I am not sure how many times I can play the "saw this on the internet" card LOL
Author Otter2569 Posted January 10, 2022 Author Posted January 10, 2022 (edited) 29 minutes ago, FMW said: I would answer honestly but not go into details. If the woman at issue is also middle aged then I don't know why she asked such a question, surely you're not the first person she's spent the weekend with. If she's significantly younger then she's going to need to be able to accept that you have lived an adult life for many years and haven't lived like a monk. She is also middle aged. I was trying to determine if the question was being asked out of interest or jealousy yet reply in a way that wasn't going to kill the mood. FYI I couldn't really tell and it didn't ruin the mood. It did however put me on guard and has me thinking ahead so if when the question comes up again I am not blind sided. Edited January 10, 2022 by Otter2569
glows Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 21 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: Totally. Frankly I don't care what anyone else has or hasn't done. Like you say, it should be pretty obvious. I am not sure how many times I can play the "saw this on the internet" card LOL Very funny. You may want to date more at your level or someone with a bit more emotional intelligence overall. In the meantime, a direct answer like this "It's just us two here now so lets focus on us" (Wiseman) is enough. Most people would take the hint and drop it. You seem quite nervous though. You don't have to be.
FMW Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 It's strange that a mature woman would be asking such questions, I understand you being on guard. 3
Yosemite Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 Maybe she was trying to tell you that you were doing "this" in a non-passionate, "paint by numbers" kind of way, maybe she meant that you seemed bored or over it. Maybe she meant your conversation sounded rehearsed. It's possible that she meant it a a compliment considering that she said it more than once. Hard to know without any context.
Pumpernickel Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 She may have wanted to learn more about you. No big deal, IMO. Wouldn’t make me uncomfortable, or want to change the subject.
dramafreezone Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, Otter2569 said: The question that nobody ever likes to be asked: Have you done this before with anyone else? or have you done this before with other (insert gender)? How do you best answer this? I spent the weekend at my place with a woman I am dating and got that question at least a few times. Of course the real answer is yes (I am middle aged plus have been a bachelor for 10 years). I am lucky to have had some awesome experiences but being questioned and answering honestly in the heat of the moment is likely to completely ruin the mood. I wouldn't answer it. I would say I don't kiss and tell, and I want to protect the privacy of everyone I've been with. Answering it in a frank manner has zero upside. Lying has zero upside. Being defensive about it has zero upside. I see no reason why anyone reasonable would respond negatively to what I suggested above. Additionally it should give them confidence that you're not going to run and say what you did with this person. You establish that you don't get into discussing your past sex life with others to protect their privacy, so it's not about you per se. Edited January 10, 2022 by dramafreezone 1 1
Author Otter2569 Posted January 10, 2022 Author Posted January 10, 2022 2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: What is the context?? Did she want to do those "things" with you?? or did she just want to know for her own knowledge about your past?? I'm guarded about my past, so I have a tendency to lie if I know it will upset my partner or "ruin the mood". In all cases we were about to do something riske or sexual: - She asked to borrow a T shirt so we could go in the hot tub. We joked that it should be a white shirt so I pulled a white "wife beater" tank top from my closet (She wore it and it looked amazing). -I have a room with a chair, faux fur rug and photography equipment so she asked if I had taken naked pictures of other women (of course I have). Like you I am totally guarded and went with some lies and half truths: the tank top was left over from a costume party (really from a photoshoot w exGF) and I had taken some "dating profile pics" for a "friend" . 1
Author Otter2569 Posted January 10, 2022 Author Posted January 10, 2022 Just now, dramafreezone said: I wouldn't answer it. I would say I don't kiss and tell, and I want to protect the privacy of everyone I've been with. I see no reason why anyone reasonable would respond negatively to that. Additionally it should give them confidence that you're not going to run and say what you did with this person. Probably the best advise yet - its honest, respectful and to the point.
Foxhall Posted January 10, 2022 Posted January 10, 2022 4 hours ago, Otter2569 said: How do you best answer this? She is likely turned on by hearing all the details .................
ShyViolet Posted January 11, 2022 Posted January 11, 2022 When you are middle aged, it's usually assumed that you are experienced and have a past. I highly doubt any partner would expect you not to have experienced lots of things before. I would just answer the question honestly, "yes I've done this before" but not go into any further detail. If she wants to know more about your past, just say "it doesn't matter, let's focus on us" 2
Alpacalia Posted January 11, 2022 Posted January 11, 2022 (edited) I may have replied instead "no, but I'm about to." Edited January 11, 2022 by Alpaca 1 1
Dis Posted January 11, 2022 Posted January 11, 2022 1 hour ago, Alpaca said: I may have replied instead "no, but I'm about to." Ummm yeah. That would actually be sexy af if a guy said that 1
Author Otter2569 Posted January 11, 2022 Author Posted January 11, 2022 5 hours ago, Alpaca said: I may have replied instead "no, but I'm about to." Great response! I may need to have you on speed dial LOL 1
divegrl Posted January 11, 2022 Posted January 11, 2022 22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Change the subject to "It's just us two here now so lets focus on us". Remember your Miranda rights to remain silent: Anything you say can and will be used against you. Yes…. Exactly this. Just tell her to focus on the present, and shift the conversation to questions about you 2. What are your hope and dreams. What’s your biggest strength… etc. 1
divegrl Posted January 11, 2022 Posted January 11, 2022 19 hours ago, Otter2569 said: In all cases we were about to do something riske or sexual: - She asked to borrow a T shirt so we could go in the hot tub. We joked that it should be a white shirt so I pulled a white "wife beater" tank top from my closet (She wore it and it looked amazing). -I have a room with a chair, faux fur rug and photography equipment so she asked if I had taken naked pictures of other women (of course I have). Like you I am totally guarded and went with some lies and half truths: the tank top was left over from a costume party (really from a photoshoot w exGF) and I had taken some "dating profile pics" for a "friend" . Omg… do not tell her any of this! Again just focus on present. 1
badwife111 Posted January 11, 2022 Posted January 11, 2022 I have affairs quite a bit and get asked this question quite a lot. Mainly it's "have you cheated on your husband before?". Sometimes it's specific to something kinky - anal / pissing you name it. I always reply with honesty about these things. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted January 12, 2022 Author Posted January 12, 2022 19 hours ago, divegrl said: Omg… do not tell her any of this! Again just focus on present. IKR! The wrong answer at these moments could be a real mood breaker!!
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