Broke up, got back together, broke up again

[Maldives]

I'd keep my eyes open. I wouldn't trust her completely at this stage. To be honest I'd question how she values her own self worth that's where cheating stems from low self esteem that's what I'd be concerned about. 

Edited January 30, 2022 by Goodguy05

[glows]

17 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Thanks for replies. 

 

She told me this because it came up from something we were watching on tv. It kind of slipped out and she then came clean.

I didnt give her hard time about it but it did play on my mind.

Yes logically I know i shouldnt really be upset by this. But before I do anything hastily and walk away from this, I wanted to see what the general consensus is. 

We were not exclusive at the time. But I guess it comes down to the last post. My general sense of this not feeling equal and her seeming a bit " meh" about us.

  Not sure how to proceed. Dont want to keep talking about my feelings with her but then surely communication is key? 

I went through your threads and am reminded of the Jan 10 thread about her letting you down and breaking it off with you coldly. Is the Jan 10 thread about this same woman? How did you both get back into this unhealthy cycle or back and forth? Who contacted whom again? More importantly, what changed? 

Sometimes it’s better not to have any company at all if it’s only poor company available.

Focus on the big picture here and ask yourself if she’s someone you see yourself with. Someone who keeps going back and forth and is hot/cold isn’t going to be present in a relationship the same way as someone more at peace or self-aware about how her actions affect others. 

 

[salparadise]

27 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Yes logically I know i shouldnt really be upset by this. But before I do anything hastily and walk away from this, I wanted to see what the general consensus is. 

We were not exclusive at the time. But I guess it comes down to the last post. My general sense of this not feeling equal and her seeming a bit " meh" about us.

You might not have had a declaration at that time, but you were dating, having sex together, not just a hookup/one-night-stand. Her actions tell you what her predispositions are far more clearly than anything she may say. What she says is what she wants you to believe. What she does is the actuality. 

I went back and read the Jan 10th thread, and from what I gather she wants to be a free agent, but have something reliable at the same time. Pardon me for being blunt, but I don't think she's wifey material, and if you develop feelings I'm betting that she'll break your heart. Why do I think that? Because while she may be giving enough to keep you on the string, she's exploring options. That's what the hookup was about, and spilling it was distancing. It's tough when you find someone with whom the sex is outstanding but there's something weird on the emotional level. If I were you I'd be careful. 

[Uruktopi]

You both were not yet exclusive...so (besides my own way of not multidating) you don´t have ground to feel formaly deceived.

You may feel dissapointed, anyhow. And no one have basis to denny you the valid right to be so.

You don´t have the right to be angry about her own rights.

You still have the right to choose her or not, now or then.

And if you take what she did as your reason to drop her, is as your right to choose as was her´s to do what she choosed to do.

Whatever else would be a double standard.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

You have the right to feel however you feel... you can be uncomfortable with it... but you are not justified in being upset about it.  You were not exclusive at the time.  You can't not be exclusive but at the same time expect her to be exclusive.  

4 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

S but I can't help feeling a bit worried she may be a cheat

I'm not seeing your logic here.  You're worried she may cheat because she was with someone else when you were NOT exclusive?  Those two are not the same thing at all.  If you are not exclusive, she can do whatever she wants.

However, I will say that I think it's very strange that she told you this.  Maybe she was kinda trying to sabotage the relationship.  You say that she's been very hot and cold.  Maybe she is not that into you, and her telling you this was her way of pushing you away.  No one tells their partner something like this out of the blue.

[Uruktopi]

22 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Those two are not the same thing at all.  If you are not exclusive, she can do whatever she wants.

I agree to this even if with a side comment about.

"...she can do whatever she wants" Yes. and it should be true also for him.

Not because he should think like I do. But he perhaps does.

Just as a posible way to think it, IF there is a chance to get exclusive, such exclusivity should be there before the formal "talk".

There is no moral must about and no one should be criticized if not.

Even so, that´s (a spontaneous and previous wish and bet for mutual exclusivity) part of what would lead me to decide to even ask for it or accept it.

And, yes, that is also an uncontestable excercise of my own freedom to choose or not a partner.  

Of course, just and only my preference, though a non negotiable one.

Edited January 31, 2022 by Uruktopi

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

So update to previous post. Girl i have been dating very hot and cold. Nearly ended all contact but recently things seemed ok texting and making plans etc. Taking it slow and seeing were it goes. We did agree to be exclusive a few months back.

Soooo last night she basically admits she slept with someone in very early days of our dating. 3 dates or so ( but we had slept together several times). We were not exclusive at this point. But what got to me was

 

1. She quite easily had a one night stand.

 

2. We were txting in night and next day she basically said she went to bed when guys came back to her friends

3. She knows I trust is very important to me due to past partner having an affair.

She apologised aand said now its different as we are exclusive but I can't help feeling a bit worried she may be a cheat and feeling a bit annoyed , jealous and hurt. 

I know i do not have the right to really. But am I being over the top? 

These things are always difficult.

Even though you weren't exclusive, she was free to associate with whomever she wanted, I can't blame you for losing interest, since it's bothersome no matter how you slice it. 

However, it is clear that you are deeply concerned about her, and that this is related to the issue of trust. You're not sure she's as committed to you as you are to her. You wonder if you can count on her to be faithful to you in both physical and emotional ways now that you're exclusive.

It may take some time for you to resolve and move forward with her if you had different perceptions of where you were in the relationship. Be careful however not to let your past grievances in your last relationship contaminate the present.

Talk to her.

Decide what you hope to achieve through the conversation. An apology? Getting a better understanding? Are there any expectations or boundaries you have moving forward? A break-up? And so on.

Edited January 31, 2022 by Alpaca

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think she's that into you, OP. 

I say that because according to your previous thread, she was pretty cold. Now you learn she's slept with someone else. While there is certainly nothing wrong with that as you were not exclusive, it does indicate where her head was at (with regards to you).  She wasn't really thinking of you in the same way you were thinking about her or she probably wouldn't have been that interested in having sex with another guy. 

Tread with caution here. Maybe she's circled back around to you because it didn't work out with him (or someone else) I would have my reservations that you're the filler guy while she looks for the one who really blows her away. 

[chillii]

Well , this exclusive stuff is just such bs in my world , you were already sleeping together so yeah , l don't blame you one bit, what that means nothing. Well sure if it was some ons out somewhere but no woman l'd be seriously interested in would be sleeping with other guys at the same time l'll tell you that much.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

.she told me this because it came up from something we were watching on tv. It kind of slipped 

Unfortunately you don't seem enthusiastic about her or the relationship. That would be a good reason to rethink things. 

She already knows how you feel about it because you confronted her. More talking won't help because she can't undo or unsay things.

You are entitled to your feelings and if this news changes your opinion of her, it's not working out. Right now it's just the elephant in the room.

 

[picaso3183]

11 hours ago, Alpaca said:

These things are always difficult.

Even though you weren't exclusive, she was free to associate with whomever she wanted, I can't blame you for losing interest, since it's bothersome no matter how you slice it. 

However, it is clear that you are deeply concerned about her, and that this is related to the issue of trust. You're not sure she's as committed to you as you are to her. You wonder if you can count on her to be faithful to you in both physical and emotional ways now that you're exclusive.

It may take some time for you to resolve and move forward with her if you had different perceptions of where you were in the relationship. Be careful however not to let your past grievances in your last relationship contaminate the present.

Talk to her.

Decide what you hope to achieve through the conversation. An apology? Getting a better understanding? Are there any expectations or boundaries you have moving forward? A break-up? And so on.

This makes alot of sense. I am a talker and that can be both good and bad. But I need to do this to get things off my chest. I def need to figure out what I want before though.

I guess a better understanding of her feelings is correct. I can let the sex go as we were not together. But I guess I need some assurance from her to make me feel secure in us and some clarification boundaries going forward. Its how I do this which is hard. I dont want to be that insecure guy talking about feelings. I dont want to give her some kind of ultimateum either.

Again thanks for everyone elses opinion on this. 

To clarify she did not volunteer this info randomly but part of a wider conversation. She did so with some reluctance so I guess I repect her honesty for that. She assured me that things are different now as we are exclusive and she would not act the same. She also made a comment about meeting her family in the future ( a first ). 

I do really like this girl but like someone said earlier I need to not let my past issues cloud thia and make me overeact. I have had plenty of offers of other dates but i am drawn back to this girl. But by her own admittance she is a bad communicator. 

Thanks all 

 

[introverted1]

Dating is not a legal contract. You weren't exclusive when she slept with the other guy so she hasn't technically done anything wrong.

That said, I think it speaks to her character.  Perhaps I am biased, but if I am having sex with Guy A, there is no way I'd be up for a ONS (or anything else) with Guy B.

In addition, what steps are you and she taking to avoid STIs?  Even if she uses condoms with both of you, there are diseases that can be transmitted orally (HSV and HPV, most notably), unless she's using a dental dam, which is so unlikely I am not sure why I typed it...

[smackie9]

I agree this is something you can't hold against her BUT you can feel disappointed she is this type that has np sleeping with more than one guy at a time, regularly. There are two types, multi daters, and ones that date one at a time. It's a mismatch of core values. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

This makes alot of sense. I am a talker and that can be both good and bad. But I need to do this to get things off my chest. I def need to figure out what I want before though.

I guess a better understanding of her feelings is correct. I can let the sex go as we were not together. But I guess I need some assurance from her to make me feel secure in us and some clarification boundaries going forward. Its how I do this which is hard. I dont want to be that insecure guy talking about feelings. I dont want to give her some kind of ultimateum either.

Again thanks for everyone elses opinion on this. 

To clarify she did not volunteer this info randomly but part of a wider conversation. She did so with some reluctance so I guess I repect her honesty for that. She assured me that things are different now as we are exclusive and she would not act the same. She also made a comment about meeting her family in the future ( a first ). 

I do really like this girl but like someone said earlier I need to not let my past issues cloud thia and make me overeact. I have had plenty of offers of other dates but i am drawn back to this girl. But by her own admittance she is a bad communicator. 

Thanks all 

 

I’d see how it goes and observe more.

We observe while dating to get a better sense of whether someone is compatible or a match for us.

This detail isn’t the issue. It’s the way she’s treated you on the way to becoming an exclusive couple that is shaky and seems disingenuous. If you feel there’s more to go on, then see where it goes and observe each other.

[Uruktopi]

45 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I agree this is something you can't hold against her BUT you can feel disappointed she is this type that has np sleeping with more than one guy at a time, regularly. There are two types, multi daters, and ones that date one at a time. It's a mismatch of core values. 

True

[mark clemson]

You have a right to be upset about anything you feel upset about.

Since this is an ambiguous situation due to early in the relationship still multi-dating, etc , whether it's "reasonable" for you to feel upset about the ONS is IMO a judgement call.

If you really don't feel like you can trust her, date someone else. If you think you can probably trust her, date her.

The apparent on/off nature of this particular relationship probably isn't helping to engender trust; next time she's "off" for a while you will probably be wondering what she is doing. Hopefully that won't happen, but IF it does, maybe that is the time to seriously re-evaluate any decision to go forward with her.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

To clarify she did not volunteer this info randomly but part of a wider conversation. She did so with some reluctance so I guess I repect her honesty for that. She assured me that things are different now as we are exclusive and she would not act the same. She also made a comment about meeting her family in the future ( a first ). 

I do really like this girl but like someone said earlier I need to not let my past issues cloud thia and make me overeact

Ok, it sounds like a case of oops! TMI.  But now she wishes to make amends for what she sees could be questionable behavior.

[Calmandfocused]

I’m going against the general consensus here….
 

No woman whose really into  the man she’s sleeping with, will voluntarily sleep with another. Irrespective of the label, time dating yada yada, if she was really  into you, she wouldn’t have slept with the other guy.. period!

Thats why you can’t trust her. You know that this is not the norm and you know that this is the sort of thing she does. 
 

Only you can decide if you can live with this information. Personally, if I was you, I would have a strong dose of the Ick, ran away screaming and never looked back. 

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Dating is not a legal contract. You weren't exclusive when she slept with the other guy so she hasn't technically done anything wrong.

That said, I think it speaks to her character.  Perhaps I am biased, but if I am having sex with Guy A, there is no way I'd be up for a ONS (or anything else) with Guy B.

 

I think it also speaks to her interest level and her feelings towards you (or lack thereof).  Count me in as someone who once I become sexually involved with a man, no way on god's green earth would I ever have even the desire to have sex with another man. 

Not happening, exclusivity talk or no exclusivity talk.

And if I did have that desire, I would break it off with the first man.

I did not read you previous thread but from what I have read here, this woman is hot/cold, keeping options open and as such not good relationship material or as @salparadisesaid "wifey" material. 

I don't envision this changing, I'm sorry.

 

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[picaso3183]

Update .... so txt me earlier asking how my day has gone. I have invited her round tomorrow eve. I have decided to have one last discussion in an attempt to see if we can communicate how we both feel.

Ive had some very good advice and perspectives and I am torn....

She has alot on and is guarded about feelings. She does like me but wants to take things slow.

She wants me for steady regular sex and eventually will decide to end it or another guy will catch her eye.

I am going to ask for clarifcation and boundaries and see what she thinks. If it isnt what I am looking for i will move on. Life too short. 

[Alpacalia]

In the end, it really comes down to whether or not you think you will be able to overlook the fact that she was sleeping with another man during the beginning of your relationship.

Some men may be fine with it but it sounds like something you're not fine with.

Someone who doesn't entertain the possibility of sex with another person when dating someone they like is probably just someone with different values.

In my opinion, when you're dating someone and it's getting serious, you don't freaking do "boom boom" with other people.

Having said that, she can't break a promise that she never made (i.e. you both being "exclusive").

See if you can find out what her reasons were for sleeping with someone else. What did the relationship at the time mean to her, for instance?

In another thread you mentioned six months of dating. So why does she seem to want to slow down now?

 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

She wants me for steady regular sex and eventually will decide to end it or another guy will catch her eye.

Holy smokes, where does that leave YOU?  Her sexual 'boy toy' until she gets tired of you and ends it OR she meets another man she IS into and dumps you?

I spose if all you want her for is sex, then it could work out - mutual sex buddies.

I was under the impression you really liked this girl and was seeking something substantial and long term.

31 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

I am going to ask for clarifcation and boundaries and see what she thinks. If it isnt what I am looking for i will move on. 

I'm curious what sort of clarification you're seeking, did she not already tell you what her agenda was?  First quote above.

What am I missing OP?  Surely it must be something cause this doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, I'm sorry.

 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

She wants me for steady regular sex and eventually will decide to end it or another guy will catch her eye. I am going to ask for clarifcation and boundaries and see what she thinks. If it isnt what I am looking for i will move on. Life too short. 

Sounds like you already have one foot out the door and have a self-fulfilling prophecy about this. That doesn't sound promising.

[picaso3183]

35 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

In the end, it really comes down to whether or not you think you will be able to overlook the fact that she was sleeping with another man during the beginning of your relationship.

Some men may be fine with it but it sounds like something you're not fine with.

Someone who doesn't entertain the possibility of sex with another person when dating someone they like is probably just someone with different values.

In my opinion, when you're dating someone and it's getting serious, you don't freaking do "boom boom" with other people.

Having said that, she can't break a promise that she never made (i.e. you both being "exclusive").

See if you can find out what her reasons were for sleeping with someone else. What did the relationship at the time mean to her, for instance?

In another thread you mentioned six months of dating. So why does she seem to want to slow down now?

 

 

 

 

Oh sorry to clarify she slept with this guy after we had two or three dates. So we weren't even seeing eachother at that point. That went both ways. I was messaging other women too at that time. This bit I can overlook. I am jealous about it and it has triggered some insecurities. The main thing I find hard is she lied to me the next day saying she went to bed etc. That seemed easy for her to do which is worrying. 

Second issue is I STILL do not know what she wants. I have tried to spell it out but we end up talking over it briefly then fall into same pattern.

As you said very accurately I guess it is clarification from her I am seeking which will give me some security. If she feels same as me i will give it a go. But if not I will walk. But i think the chat is needed otherwise i will never know 

[picaso3183]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like you already have one foot out the door and have a self-fulfilling prophecy about this. That doesn't sound promising.

Her lack of discussion up to now suggests I know her answer. But I need to have this clear once and for all before I decide what to do