Broke up, got back together, broke up again

[picaso3183]

So long story 8 year relationship ended last year after partner cheated. Broken heart but got over it. Started dating. Met nice girl similar situation ( kids and stuff) get on. Started casual but been 6 months now and Started getting feelings. Had chat about if it has relationship potential she agreed to see what happens and be exclusive from this point.

 

Anyway we txt every day once or twice at least. But only see eachother once per week. I do most initiating dates. She has canceled few times but for genuine reasons. Issue is i feel ready to start meeting someone long term and think i may be wasting time her. 

I was going to ask if she would be willing to be casual and we both date  other people two. But wondered if this is really bad?

Or other option is I do online dating without her knowing while still seeing her. 

Very confused as I really like her but she is very hot and cold. Sometimes I feel like feelings may be naturally developing but then other times its like we are just friends with benefits. Confused!

 

Edited March 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
update title post merge

[Gaeta]

After 6 months it's time to be open and honest with each other. She may want to see you more but you won't know if you don't talk *to her* about what you really wish for this relationship.

Treat her the way you'd like to be treated. I doubt you'd like her to date behind your back. 

[glows]

It seems you're still unsure of yourself or trying to navigate your emotions and desire to grow after your last relationship ended. It's possible you haven't spent much time on your own to really reflect on what you want in a relationship. 

You both started dating and are each others' rebounds. That can work but often it doesn't. That you both were attracted to each other based on your similar backgrounds may suggest you bonded over your pain or heartbreak from your exes. If you decide to date others, be honest about that and tell her that you no longer want to be exclusive. 

I've never backtracked like that from exclusive to dating casually. It would mean hanging onto something out of convenience rather than any real desire on my part and that's not something I enjoy doing. 

I wouldn't say it's bad. It depends on the individual. You can run that by her but leave room for disagreement and be prepared to date others freely. 

[jdesey]

I’ll make this simple. You’re either in or you’re out. There is no in between with we will date other people thing. It never works

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

 i feel ready to start meeting someone long term and think i may be wasting time her. 

Be kind and set each other free. Don't suggest demoting her to FWB.

Just cut your losses and move forward.

[picaso3183]

Thanks for advice. Yes on reflection FWB is bad idea. Guess i am being selfish and " testing the water" dating and still having her as option. 

Problem is I do really like her and think we could work but I don't get feeling she wants anything serious. I have previously discussed it briefly and she sort of said "lets see what happens ". But she gives very little away in regards to her feelings to me. 

 

Think i will lay my cards down and see what comes of it. If it ends so be it

[spiderowl]

10 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

So long story 8 year relationship ended last year after partner cheated. Broken heart but got over it. Started dating. Met nice girl similar situation ( kids and stuff) get on. Started casual but been 6 months now and Started getting feelings. Had chat about if it has relationship potential she agreed to see what happens and be exclusive from this point.

 

Anyway we txt every day once or twice at least. But only see eachother once per week. I do most initiating dates. She has canceled few times but for genuine reasons. Issue is i feel ready to start meeting someone long term and think i may be wasting time her. 

I was going to ask if she would be willing to be casual and we both date  other people two. But wondered if this is really bad?

Or other option is I do online dating without her knowing while still seeing her. 

Very confused as I really like her but she is very hot and cold. Sometimes I feel like feelings may be naturally developing but then other times its like we are just friends with benefits. Confused!

 

It sounds like you need to express to her that you feel things are going slowly and that you don't feel she is as engaged in this relationship as you are.  It would be better to talk to her about it than to go behind her back and date someone else.  That is really not a good thing to do, apart from putting her at risk of STDs. What even makes you think it is a good idea?

If you are not happy with her response, i.e. feel that she is just drifting along in a barely interested way, then you could suggest the FWB situation but do not expect a nice response.  It may be that she is not as interested in you as you are in her, hence her apparently agreeing to be exclusive but not initiating much.  It could be that she would be open to FWB if it was exclusive but not otherwise.

It's fair enough to leave her if you are not happy with the current arrangement.  You have said she is hot and cold and sometimes people just want consistency for security.  Be upfront and honest with her though.

[picaso3183]

38 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

It sounds like you need to express to her that you feel things are going slowly and that you don't feel she is as engaged in this relationship as you are.  It would be better to talk to her about it than to go behind her back and date someone else.  That is really not a good thing to do, apart from putting her at risk of STDs. What even makes you think it is a good idea?

If you are not happy with her response, i.e. feel that she is just drifting along in a barely interested way, then you could suggest the FWB situation but do not expect a nice response.  It may be that she is not as interested in you as you are in her, hence her apparently agreeing to be exclusive but not initiating much.  It could be that she would be open to FWB if it was exclusive but not otherwise.

It's fair enough to leave her if you are not happy with the current arrangement.  You have said she is hot and cold and sometimes people just want consistency for security.  Be upfront and honest with her though.

Yeah Like I say have done that previously and it was I like you but let's wait and see what happens. But last few weeks she sees very distant. 

STIs we both get checked and use protection. 

Reason think it is good idea is because she is very sexual more so than me and first month or two of dating we both openly said we are dating other people. So my thinking is this;

 

Take pressure off her and still have intimacy and if her feelings change great . But in the meantime I can date ( by that don't mean sleep around ) and if I meet someone then I can stop the FWB

 

Like you say maybe a bad idea 

[picaso3183]

Update 

Thanks for all advice. So basically following no reply of txt for 24hr from her we spoke. 

I basically said my feelings, she said she hasn't got the time to dedicate to a relationship with me and feels bad but wants " open and casual". Not exactly sure what she means so asked to clarify. Going to have a proper chat.

 

I'm very torn as I really like this girl and would like more but also see where she is coming from - she has a lot on. Just don't want to get feelings for her and then it goes nowhere

[Ami1uwant]

27 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Update 

Thanks for all advice. So basically following no reply of txt for 24hr from her we spoke. 

I basically said my feelings, she said she hasn't got the time to dedicate to a relationship with me and feels bad but wants " open and casual". Not exactly sure what she means so asked to clarify. Going to have a proper chat.

 

I'm very torn as I really like this girl and would like more but also see where she is coming from - she has a lot on. Just don't want to get feelings for her and then it goes nowhere

Open and casual means

 

1  she controls this as where and ehen

2. she controls having sex and ehere and when

3 she controls where snd when she gets free meals snd free tickets for things by meeting you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, picaso3183 said:

I basically said my feelings, she said she hasn't got the time to dedicate to a relationship with me and feels bad but wants " open and casual".

Continue to date other women. She's too "meh" about it.

[picaso3183]

Yeah my gut is telling me that.. She was going to ring tonight but hasn't..she may be busy but then it shows how low down the list I am.

Again thanks for advice. 

[smackie9]

Open and casual mean you do your thing, I will do mine, and we will meet up once in awhile.

[Gaeta]

19 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

I'm very torn as I really like this girl and would like more but also see where she is coming from - she has a lot on. Just don't want to get feelings for her and then it goes nowhere

Then end it. 

Your  main concern here is to protect your heart. As long as you keep having casual sex with her your heart will keep on hoping and it will keep you from moving on to someone else. 

[Estes]

She's just not all that into you, as soon as she finds a guy she likes she'll be gone.

[picaso3183]

So a few days ago I posted about a girl I have been dating for 6 months. I kinda felt she was holding back and was thinking for my own sake to end it ( really did not want to but my ex of 8 years had an affair last year and this broke my heart )

Anyway the girl I have been dating had a call last night but it didnt go well. She was not clear at all but basically said she wants a break due to having lots on and I am basically another thing for her to think about.. she even said i could date other people if i could not wait. 

Anyway we kind of agreed to break for month and see what happens. But i sent one final txt before I went to bad. Basically saying I really like her and if this is a genuine case of having too much on we can discuss and i am happy to be paitent. But i also said if its a an excuse for not really seeing me she can tell me and i will walk away. I just want to know if i should stop now to protect myself. 

 

Anyway she didnt even respond to it. So i guess this means it is done.

Soooo want to message her again but resisting so far. 

But needless to say I am gutted, i did think this girl was special and could have been good together. Guess I am venting really but this stings. I have been through so much in 12 months and will bounce back but i am pretty hurt right now.

[picaso3183]

Thanks

On 1/9/2022 at 3:37 PM, Estes said:

She's just not all that into you, as soon as she finds a guy she likes she'll be gone.

Yeah kinda realised this now. It sucks but we talked, she gave some crap about too busy and if we can take a month break. Think she is letting me down gently with this hoping it will fade out.

 I agreed but also txt and asked if she can be straight up if she likes me and being busy is genuine and she didnt respond.

So cold turkey for me. Very tempted to txt but i wont..pretty gutted if i am honest 

[glows]

Don't message. It's ok. It hurts when things don't pan out and you have feelings for someone. Let this blow over. Remove her from any viewable social media and mute her contact. The sooner you put this behind you the quicker you'll be able to heal without any confusion. 

Leaving the door ajar is usually a recipe for disaster especially where a person has demonstrated you weren't a priority in the past. 

[picaso3183]

So update to previous post. Girl i have been dating very hot and cold. Nearly ended all contact but recently things seemed ok texting and making plans etc. Taking it slow and seeing were it goes. We did agree to be exclusive a few months back.

Soooo last night she basically admits she slept with someone in very early days of our dating. 3 dates or so ( but we had slept together several times). We were not exclusive at this point. But what got to me was

 

1. She quite easily had a one night stand.

 

2. We were txting in night and next day she basically said she went to bed when guys came back to her friends

3. She knows I trust is very important to me due to past partner having an affair.

She apologised aand said now its different as we are exclusive but I can't help feeling a bit worried she may be a cheat and feeling a bit annoyed , jealous and hurt. 

I know i do not have the right to really. But am I being over the top? 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

last night she basically admits she slept with someone in very early days of our dating. 3 dates or so

Why would she volunteer this information? That's quite weird.

Your past needs to stay in the past so don't beat her up about that. 

[basil67]

You weren't exclusive, so no, you don't have a right to be upset. 

 

 

[glows]

27 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

So update to previous post. Girl i have been dating very hot and cold. Nearly ended all contact but recently things seemed ok texting and making plans etc. Taking it slow and seeing were it goes. We did agree to be exclusive a few months back.

Soooo last night she basically admits she slept with someone in very early days of our dating. 3 dates or so ( but we had slept together several times). We were not exclusive at this point. But what got to me was

 

1. She quite easily had a one night stand.

 

2. We were txting in night and next day she basically said she went to bed when guys came back to her friends

3. She knows I trust is very important to me due to past partner having an affair.

She apologised aand said now its different as we are exclusive but I can't help feeling a bit worried she may be a cheat and feeling a bit annoyed , jealous and hurt. 

I know i do not have the right to really. But am I being over the top? 

Water under the bridge. Did she text you this info or was it in person? 

[ccas93]

you have the right to feel however you feel. How you express it and channel it is more important. 

Given that you were sleeping together multiple times 3 dates in, I'm sure you have hooked up or slept with more than one person at a time in your life.

I find that I only get jealous/upset about petty things when I don't feel truly valued by someone, or if something feels a little off. 

[picaso3183]

Thanks for replies. 

 

She told me this because it came up from something we were watching on tv. It kind of slipped out and she then came clean.

I didnt give her hard time about it but it did play on my mind.

Yes logically I know i shouldnt really be upset by this. But before I do anything hastily and walk away from this, I wanted to see what the general consensus is. 

We were not exclusive at the time. But I guess it comes down to the last post. My general sense of this not feeling equal and her seeming a bit " meh" about us.

  Not sure how to proceed. Dont want to keep talking about my feelings with her but then surely communication is key? 

[vla1120]

2 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Dont want to keep talking about my feelings with her but then surely communication is key? 

Communication is key. While I wouldn't put too much stock into her sleeping with someone else when you were not exclusive, you need to decide whether she's too hot and cold for you. If it seems you're investing more in the relationship than she is, there's nothing wrong with communicating that and asking her where she stands so neither of you wastes too much of your time on something that's going nowhere (if you want it to go somewhere.)