Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

[NuevoYorko]

This is very unhealthy.  OP. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 21, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’d like to provide an update. I’ve actually been feeling uncomfortable to go meet with him 1:1, so I suggested that we make it a group meet-up. First he got mad ‘You are after other guys too I see!’ even though I didn’t even say anything about other guys.  He said ok but that he still wants to meet me to clear the air 1:1. I said ok, after the group meet-up.

Hmm. His reaction doesn't seem to bode particularly well.

Have you ever researched "attachment styles" (for adults)? IMO part of what drives the sorts of interactions/interplays you've been describing (since the start of the thread, not just what's in the quote) results from the (potential) partners' attachment styles. You might strongly consider looking into these a bit as you continue dating.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

The narrative about this guys keeps shifting.  First he was interested but unwilling to ask you out, then he was clearly disinterested and flirting with others in front of you.  Then you claimed he was using you, and that you never wanted to see him again. That quickly morphed into you two were great friends with tons of chemistry.  Most recently, you claim that he is the one interested and pursuing you.

At this point, I am going to guess that this guy knows how keen you are on him and hopefully he will not choose to take advantage of that.

Very well said!    And I agree with @NuevoYorko, the dynamic here is extremely unhealthy.  Frankly I can't figure what his angle is and I share introverted1's concern that he knows how keen you are and may take advantage of that...

In any event, looking forward to the next update BB, keep us posted.

Edited January 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

20 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’d like to provide an update. I’ve actually been feeling uncomfortable to go meet with him 1:1, so I suggested that we make it a group meet-up. First he got mad ‘You are after other guys too I see!’ even though I didn’t even say anything about other guys.  He said ok but that he still wants to meet me to clear the air 1:1. I said ok, after the group meet-up.

He also said he’d like us to keep meeting up together, I told him I’m uncomfortable doing this at the moment but he said he hopes I won’t be for too much longer. 

He's already pegged you as someone who is "after..guys". I'd leave this as is. Don't meet up with him one on one. Let the dust settle. Find a new friend group or meet up group. 

Each time he offers to try to make amends you keep shutting him down and avoiding the issues. He doesn't want anything romantic with you. Maybe that's what's hard to accept or face in a 1:1?

[NuevoYorko]

This is really off the rails now.

To quote the OP: 

Quote

 One thing is for sure though, he is absolutely not in keen pursuit. Most of the moves from him so far have been in response to me dropping ‘hints’ 

This includes contact before the "accidental" 1:1 get together before Christmas.    

Here is my overall take:  You, OP, are an attractive woman.  You noticed him before that 1:1 thing  and he has picked up on your vibes of interest in him; probably felt intrigued and flattered.  Then he did enjoy your 1:1 time and may have been thinking about seeing you further.   

Then it got WEIRD.  I mean from your end.  We may not be mind readers but most men who have any experience with women can sense a "danger zone" and I'm afraid you've entered into that territory.  No way anything good could come out of this.

If you're going to date, you really do need to take things as they come and not project all your expectations, hopes, judgements and fears on people you meet.  It's a no-win situation.  

 

 

[Allupinnit]

Men don't like it when you chase them.  Full stop.  Your text "That would be nice :)" was plenty green light to ask you out, but he didn't.  In fact, the way he flirts and gets phone numbers of other women in front of you screams "NOT INTERESTED."  I don't know how that could not have been more obivous.

This doesn't mean you weren't vulnerable.  This doesn't mean you didn't give him enough encouragement.  If he had felt the same chemistry that you did (and this is often just charm - which is why he's so good with women) he most definitely would have asked you out.

But now not only is he not interested, he feels that you are policing him.  Please, just stop.  It's a crush, it is normal and it will go away.  

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you for your replies so far. They have been very useful. For a while I have had the thought that the guy simply likes the attention that he gets from me, and doesn’t genuinely care about me as a person, and everything that’s happened fits with this. 

So where the cards currently lie with this; I have had a change of heart and I’ve made it clear to the guy that I’m not up for hanging out with him 1:1 anymore. He said it’s a shame we’re not going to hang out anymore but he’s “just happy that I’m atleast up for meeting with him to clear the air”. 

Next week, I am organising my first social event for the group, which is a meal at a restaurant. He signed up to the event when l listed it on the group’s FB page. I feel a little weird to have him there after all this, he’s even got me deleted from his Facebook still, and I’m not looking forward to him coming. 

He is coming with the assumption that things would have re-set between us by the time we see each other at this event next week, and that “if it goes well in the group setting he is up for us meeting up casually 1:1 again”, but this is not how I see it at all. I am much deeper into this than he is, I have feelings for him, it’ll be hard for me to see him there. This was a man who was “looking forward to taking me out to dinner and wanted to explore something deeper with me”, who randomly did a 180 on me. Twice in 3 days. I really want nothing to do with him at present, and to just enjoy my event with the others.

I enjoy being a host, I used to love hosting events in my old town before I moved to this town. But for what’s gone on here with him, I don’t want him to come and be a source of upset for me at my own event. There’ll be only a handful of people there anyway, so it’ll be an intimate occasion which makes it worse in this case. I don’t have it in me to ask someone not to come to an event, I’ve never done that in my life and it goes against the ethos of the organisation. 

It is why I’ve never in my life, in my previous town, mixed social life with dating life. I guess I’ll just see what happens 

Edited January 23, 2022 by babybrowns

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

This was a man who was “looking forward to taking me out to dinner and wanted to explore something deeper with me”, who randomly did a 180 on me.

Really???

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you for your replies so far. They have been very useful...

You have said this^ before and that you're also learning a lot from the replies here. 

How so?  What have you learned and how have our replies been useful?  

Serious questions, as it doesn't appear you've learned much of anything, you're still going round and round with this guy..

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You have said this^ before and that you're also learning a lot from the replies here. 

How so?  What have you learned and how have our replies been useful?  

Serious questions, as it doesn't appear you've learned much of anything, you're still going round and round with this guy and with us as well. 

So if you could clarify what you've learned from this thread, it would be much appreciated. 

 

Well the main thing really, is the reinforcing of my thoughts that he’s just not interested! 

[Versacehottie]

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

who randomly did a 180 on me

what????? you are actually worse than he is in this realm. It's among the worst I've seen in a long time. 

There have been a lot of people helping you across many of your various threads but you don't seem truly get it yet. 

What about starting with "saying what you mean and meaning what you say".  If you don't know yet, don't say anything.

You seem to be taking all the indecision and guardedness that you experience in your head out into the real life and then hoping against reason that something productive will come out of it. When it doesn't because of your unnecessary drama, your negative thoughts confirm that you have been right all along. When that's not exactly true. What is true is that your negative thoughts have influence how you manage your side of the relationship and most likely drive the guy away. (sorry).  His interest isn't a fixed thing decided the first time he met you--it will change and morph depending on what you put into it as well. If you are putting in bad stuff, expect a bad result. Try putting in good stuff.

[NuevoYorko]

You're still doing it.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Well the main thing really, is the reinforcing of my thoughts that he’s just not interested! 

I wasn't referring to his interest, his interest is irrelevant in the grand scheme. 

I was referring more to what have you learned about yourself, your thought process, your emotions and how you allow your emotions to control you and your actions, much to your detriment.

This seems to happen with every man you date, sadly. 

Have you learned anything about that among all the replies in your many threads?

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

How's it going @babybrowns, is there an update?

[babybrowns]

On 1/26/2022 at 7:23 PM, poppyfields said:

How's it going @babybrowns, is there an update?

Hi @poppyfields

Thanks for asking.

As things currently stand, the guy is attending my lunch event. We are meeting up before that for a chat to clear the air, because of how awkward things got between us. 

I don’t feel that comfortable doing this private chat with him if I’m honest, I’d rather have just seen him at the social. But when I cancelled the clear-up chat, saying I’m done with all this, he cancelled his place on my event, saying he doesn’t want to cause “unnecessary trouble”.

I told him he won’t cause trouble, that I can still see him for the chat if he wants. I do want him to come to the event and thus I feel I do have to do this clearup chat with him. Since we are going to do it, he’s signed up again to my event. So I do feel forced to do it in a way, I really don’t want to.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to approach this clearing the air chat? I’m not too sure what to expect really.

Thanks again for your support

Edited January 27, 2022 by babybrowns

[Kamille]

You have already received advice on how to do this clear the air thing,

 

I feel what you need is advice on how to ask for what you want. Do you want to meet him to clear the air or not? Do you think him coming to the event will make things awkward or not?  If not, tell him so and accept that he is not coming and that his not coming is fine. No one will die. You will be able to move on. 

More likely, you're ambivalent because you are still hoping something will come out of him coming to the event and or the two of you clearing the air. If so, identify what you want, own it and act accordingly. Are you still hoping there is a change with this guy? Fine, then stop getting in your own way, throwing obstacles left and right and, when you clear the air, tell him you are still hoping to get to know him romantically. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

the guy is attending my lunch event. We are meeting up before that for a chat to clear the air

Is this part of a meetup group? What do you mean 'attending your lunch event'? Is this something you invited him to or something he was attending because of the meet up?

Keep it light and try to lay back so he feels comfortable being friends without feeling you are getting heavy with him.

[babybrowns]

Thank you both.

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this part of a meetup group? What do you mean 'attending your lunch event'? Is this something you invited him to or something he was attending because of the meet up?

Keep it light and try to lay back so he feels comfortable being friends without feeling you are getting heavy with him.

Yes this is an event for the meet-up group, but different people can host their own little events as I am doing. He signed up to it.

28 minutes ago, Kamille said:

You have already received advice on how to do this clear the air thing,

 

I feel what you need is advice on how to ask for what you want. Do you want to meet him to clear the air or not? Do you think him coming to the event will make things awkward or not?  If not, tell him so and accept that he is not coming and that his not coming is fine. No one will die. You will be able to move on. 

More likely, you're ambivalent because you are still hoping something will come out of him coming to the event and or the two of you clearing the air. If so, identify what you want, own it and act accordingly. Are you still hoping there is a change with this guy? Fine, then stop getting in your own way, throwing obstacles left and right and, when you clear the air, tell him you are still hoping to get to know him romantically. 

Thank you for this. Part of me does still like him, but I have no expectations. He did clarify that although he ‘initially wanted to see where things go with us and wanted to take me out for dinner’, after our text argument he thinks it is best we are “friends”. It’ll be the first time we are seeing each other since he has friendzoned me. I don’t want to get upset at his verbal reinforcement of this.

I do want to keep it a light-hearted chat as Wiseman suggested, but I think he might bring up some of the ‘stuff’ since he said he had unanswered questions.

I don’t want things to get heavy if it’s just another friendzoning conversation  for the same reason, I don’t want to give away my feelings incase that scares him off…

Edited January 27, 2022 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’d rather have just seen him at the social. But when I cancelled the clear-up chat, saying I’m done with all this, he cancelled his place on my event, saying he doesn’t want to cause “unnecessary trouble”.

I told him he won’t cause trouble, that I can still see him for the chat if he wants. I do want him to come to the event and thus I feel I do have to do this clearup chat with him. Since we are going to do it, he’s signed up again to my event. So I do feel forced to do it in a way, I really don’t want to.

OMG! 

I don’t want to see you. But, I don’t want to not see you at the event. So, I’ll see you, even though I don’t really want to see you. 

You need to learn how to say what you mean and mean what to say. When you cancelled and he said, “I’m out.” You should have just let it go… This is just getting more and more awkward as the days go by… and no “chat” is ever going to change that. 

 

Edited January 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[babybrowns]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

OMG! 

I don’t want to see you. But, I don’t want to not see you at the event. So, I’ll see you, even though I don’t really want to see you. 

You need to learn how to say what you mean and mean what to say. When you cancelled and he said, “I’m out.” You should have just let it go… This is just getting more and more awkward as the days go by… and no “chat” is ever going to change that. 

 

The thing is that I do want to see him, but in a group setting as this first time. An individual chat about all this is too much, especially since we didn’t even get as far as the first date. I don’t want to ruin things further, but more just to forget things and have fun again. If something develops down the line, great, but it definitely won’t from a 1:1 chat at this point. I just don’t know how to get out of it

[basil67]

If you can't face an individual chat, don't waste his time.  Or yours

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

The thing is that I do want to see him, but in a group setting as this first time. An individual chat about all this is too much, especially since we didn’t even get as far as the first date. I don’t want to ruin things further, but more just to forget things and have fun again. If something develops down the line, great, but it definitely won’t from a 1:1 chat at this point. I just don’t know how to get out of it

Simple.  You tell him:  Look, this has gotten out of hand.  We don't need a 1:1 chat.  I hope you can come to the lunch event as it will be a lot of fun.

And that's it.  If he then chooses not to go to the lunch, so what?  He's a big boy, plenty capable of deciding whether he wants to go to lunch. 

I think you are using this 1:1 chat in the hopes things will escalate and that he'll declare a desire to date you.  I don't think that will happen but, honestly, even if it did, I would tell you not to take the bait. This guy can easily see how into him you are (just look at how quickly you jumped when he said he wouldn't go to the lunch if you didn't agree to the 1:1).  At this point, I don't think either of you are being honest about your motives. 

I think the stage is set for a poor outcome and you should move on to someone you can date with a whole lot less drama.

[Weezy1973]

Men don’t friendzone women. They “friends with benefits” zone them. Be aware.

[clia]

This thread is giving me whiplash with all the drama, and I suspect we haven't even heard the half of it.  First you say you don't want him at your event, then he cancels, and now you do want him there, but you don't want a 1:1 chat, then you will do a 1:1 chat, and now you don't want to do a 1:1 chat.  Honestly, all of this sounds dramatic and exhausting and like you don't even know what you want.  I think it's a bad idea to have a 1:1 chat before your event because it will likely just upset you.  And why are the two of you even communicating so much anyway?  You met this guy like a month ago.  He's nobody.  Move on with your life.  Have your event, and if he comes, be pleasant and friendly, but then spend time with others.  

[babybrowns]

Yes, earlier today I made the decision to not go ahead with this coffee with this guy before my event. I don’t want to do it before my event.

My whole reason for joining this group, to make friends, should take precedence over meeting a lukewarm guy that I like who is reinforcing “let’s just be friends” over a coffee and leaving me upset before my event.

I genuinely think he only liked me for the attention I’d give him rather than me for me; his consistent lack of pursuit and initiation, his late replies, all suggest it. One possibility is that he wants to get me back into his sphere so he can keep using me for attention.

I did say to him though, when I cancelled the coffee, that I’d still be happy to meet him 1:1 to clear the air, just on the other side of the event. 

He’s not replied to me yet; I hope he doesn’t get annoyed that I cancelled the clear-the-air coffee and consequently pass on attending my event. If he does, it’s a shame, but at the end of the day I need to do what’s best for me.

Edited January 28, 2022 by babybrowns