Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I know I messed up. I have said it a few times and I don’t need consistent berating on here about it. I have learnt my lessons, as we all do in life, I’ll try my best not to repeat them for anyone in future.

The guy and I might meet for a coffee to clear the air, because we do feel we shouldn’t have argued like that over text. We both care and want to save our friendship.

He made it clear that he initially wanted to date me, but after all the arguing over text, about “things he would have much preferred to discuss in person”, he no longer wants to meet as a ‘date’ like he was “excited to before”, but more as a coffee to clear the air and be friends. He wants to “hear me out”.

I am wondering, how to approach this? What should I say?

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I am wondering, how to approach this? What should I say?

I know you don't want to hear from me but I would advise you to just be honest with him about everything.  How you felt and what made you tell him what you did that upset him and just let the chips fall where they may.  Don't follow a script.

[babybrowns]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I know you don't want to hear from me but I would advise you to just be honest with him about everything.  How you felt and what made you tell him what you did that upset him and just let the chips fall where they may.  Don't follow a script.

Thank you, I’m wary of once again putting him off though, by reminding him of ‘how much I care’ about him flirting around. Thus how else should I approach it?

[elaine567]

Talk about the weather,  your job, cooking, sports, films, current affairs... in fact anything apart from "the relationship".
Keep it light and fun, stop the passive aggressive "digs".
He is not your husband of 20 years, you do not have a relationship...
If you still care about him flirting around and partying then don't go anywhere near him, leave him alone.
He is not the guy for you.

[Weezy1973]

27 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I am wondering, how to approach this? What should I say?

What’s your goal? Is it just to be friends or are you hoping to start something romantic? If you’re content to leave it a friendship you can each talk about your other romantic prospects - make it clear you’re not interested in each other. If you’re actually hoping to date him, just be honest that you’re interested in dating him and let the chips fall where they may…

[Kamille]

Stop trying to figure out how to play this so that he falls for you. He has now clearly stated he wants a friendship.

You messed up, tell him you messed up. Apologize. Tell him you like him (it's obvious to him by now that you do). 

Decide now whether a friendship with him is possible for you. If it is: tell him so. If it isn't, tell him you'll need time. 

And then chat about something else, as per Elaine's suggestions. Clear the air and then move on to other topics. 

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

The guy and I might meet for a coffee to clear the air, because we do feel we shouldn’t have argued like that over text. We both care and want to save our friendship.

Save your "friendship"?  Was that truly your goal BB, a friendship?   If that were true, then why all the intensity and emotion from you, interrogating him about other women, etc. ?

If you were just a friend, you would have been giving him tips on how to get these women!  lol  Versus becoming "devastated" by it (your word).

I am glad you are going to meet to clear the air, however imo in order for a relationship to successfully work, you will need a major attitude and mindset overhaul, one that allows you to relax, enjoy and detach from the outcome.  A mindset that is much more easy going, fun, LESS intense.

I am not sure how you would accomplish this.  This is your nature, your personality.  You are sensitive, emotionally fragile, insecure and need tons of reassurance.

I would work on becoming whole and complete within yourself first before embarking on a relationship, otherwise the same things that happened with this man will continue to happen with every man you date.

 

 

Edited January 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you, I’m wary of once again putting him off though, by reminding him of ‘how much I care’ about him flirting around. Thus how else should I approach it?

The term "how much I care" is present tense.  If, as a friend, you can't deal with him flirting around, then the two of you simply can't be friends.  

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, Kamille said:

Stop trying to figure out how to play this so that he falls for you. He has now clearly stated he wants a friendship.

As such, I would be a friend to him. I would apologize for the fact that you made things feel uncomfortable and then move on… Any attempt to explain or tell him how you are feeling will only make things more awkward. Keep it light, talk about meetup or current events etc… 

There needs to be a boundary here. I would advise you not to share your emotions or place any expectations on him - it’s not that kind of a relationship.

And just know, whatever “friendship” you establish is likely to be dropped the moment he find a woman he wants to get serious about - You do need to decide if you can handle that because as was said above, if you can’t handle the fact that he will date and find a relationship for himself - you really can’t be friends. 

Edited January 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[missgangrene]

There is a strong possibility that he’s only meeting with you to “clear the air” because he’s assuming you’ll both continue to go to the group meet-ups and he doesn’t want it to be super awkward. 

[babybrowns]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

As such, I would be a friend to him. I would apologize for the fact that you made things feel uncomfortable and then move on… Any attempt to explain or tell him how you are feeling will only make things more awkward. Keep it light, talk about meetup or current events etc… 

There needs to be a boundary here. I would advise you not to share your emotions or place any expectations on him - it’s not that kind of a relationship.

And just know, whatever “friendship” you establish is likely to be dropped the moment he find a woman he wants to get serious about - You do need to decide if you can handle that because as was said above, if you can’t handle the fact that he will date and find a relationship for himself - you really can’t be friends. 

I’m not going to lie, a lot of our friendship is based on chemistry and attraction. Maybe when I see him I will secretly feel I can’t ‘just be friends’. Or maybe, I will feel I prefer it.

If it hurts, that’ll be the last time I choose to go see him, nothing to lose. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take…to see if things could go in another direction. Thank you all for the advice to stick to light-hearted topics.

[babybrowns]

2 minutes ago, missgangrene said:

There is a strong possibility that he’s only meeting with you to “clear the air” because he’s assuming you’ll both continue to go to the group meet-ups and he doesn’t want it to be super awkward. 

Indeed possible! Incase it’s not clear, I’m going into this with my guard way up…

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I’m going into this with my guard way up…

If that is the case, why are you meeting the man? What is there to salvage? 

Seriously, you should be going into this with a humble apology and an open mind if you want to continue to have a friendship with this man. 

You have way too much emotion here to have any kind of a friendship. Just apologize, such that it won’t be quite as awkward next time you see him at the meet up group. That would be a best case scenario here for me - 

Edited January 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I’m going into this with my guard way up…

If you do that or rather, continue to do that, guarantee nothing more than "friendship" will ever develop.

I think this has been your problem all along, your guard is so high up, that you're not able to RELAX and simply enjoy the process of getting to know each other to see where it leads.  The journey.... which is half the fun!!  

Honestly and know others disagree, but when you are SO fearful of getting hurt that you're not able to relax and enjoy, then you should not be dating because you will self-sabotage every single potential dating experience due to fear and anxiety.

Re this attraction and chemistry you think exists between you, I think you may be projecting your own feelings on to him.   I see nothing in any of his behavior thus far that would indicate he feels the same or wants more with you than friendship.

JMO, I hope I am wrong for your sake, good luck.

 

[lana-banana]

Agreed with others that he's trying to ensure things won't be awkward at the next meetup event. Simply say that it's fine, you wish him well, etc, and move on. I do not think you should take this meeting with him, for your own well-being; it doesn't seem like something you're in the right headspace to handle. I would avoid any events with this group for at least the next few months.

[NuevoYorko]

BB - to be straightforward, reading your posts here actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  

What you have is not a friendship.  Surely you know this, because I'm sure you have experienced friendship.    It's an obsession.  

You've said that you are living in a new place and you join meetup groups to make friends, why don't you stick with that.  In fact, I think it would be a great idea if you limit your social networking through these groups to women.  You really do need a social life and some real friends in your new town.  Mixing in crushes and dating is not going to help you to with those.

Please leave the guy alone.  

[glows]

He offered to clear the air with coffee so it’s up to you if you’d like to meet with him but let go of the idea that you can convince him into anything else. 

Seeing how strongly you feel however I agree with earlier comments about avoiding the group or meeting with him altogether. It doesn’t seem like you’re able to respect his thoughts or choices or autonomy as a person. He has clarified now that he prefers to be friends.

If you seemed like you’ve accepted his stance and can put your emotions aside while still being platonic, respectful and enjoying the group’s company with him around I’d say go for it but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

[Weezy1973]

15 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’m not going to lie, a lot of our friendship is based on chemistry and attraction.

Should go without saying, but apparently not for you. Friendships are not based on chemistry and attraction. Just the opposite mostly. Friendships happen when there is no attraction but you get along well and enjoy each other’s company. 

[Alpacalia]

Is it not possible that you romanticize this man because you are interested in him? What you believe you're fighting for does not exist or is unequal. He looks to you for validation when he needs it.

A friend you like but aren't able to date is fine. It’s normal. While it hurts, it happens to many people. But don't be blinded by false optimism. 

When you spend more time with him, you become more invested. Then you work yourself into a frenzied loop by projecting what you want to be true onto all your encounters.

Our tendency is to do that in any relationship that feels off-balance.

The choice is ultimately yours. Hopefully, you may find that some of the perspectives in this thread will ease your mind and lead you in the right direction.

Edited January 20, 2022 by Alpaca

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Should go without saying, but apparently not for you. Friendships are not based on chemistry and attraction. Just the opposite mostly. Friendships happen when there is no attraction but you get along well and enjoy each other’s company. 

The fact that she feels chemistry and attraction does not bode well for the idea that they can somehow be “friends.” 

“Friends” who have chemistry and attraction but date other people - I don’t see that working well…

I think, she is hoping to maintain a “friendship” with the man with the hope that he will realize they have “chemistry and attraction” and decide he wants to date BB - 

It doesn’t sound like that was a realistic expectation from the very beginning. It certainly doesn’t seem like a realistic expectation now. 

[elaine567]

19 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Re this attraction and chemistry you think exists between you, I think you may be projecting your own feelings on to him.   I see nothing in any of his behavior thus far that would indicate he feels the same or wants more with you than friendship.

Agreed.

BB. I see no point in making a friend out of someone who has rejected you
 especially when actively dating.
Hanger on male friends will tend to just put off guys who want to date you.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you for your posts, sorry I just came on here today. I would like to bring in some facts here to address what seems to be a general consensus that this guy only sees me as a friend:

- he told me he wanted more than friendship with me 

- he told me he was looking forward to taking me out to dinner

- he used the words ‘be with me’ in a romantic context. (“I’m not going to pressure anyone into being with me, but I want to see you” when I was mad at him and I wanted to say goodbye.)

I know that there are many cases on LS of unrequited fondness, I have been the author of a few, but this isn’t another example.

I’d like to provide an update. I’ve actually been feeling uncomfortable to go meet with him 1:1, so I suggested that we make it a group meet-up. First he got mad ‘You are after other guys too I see!’ even though I didn’t even say anything about other guys.  He said ok but that he still wants to meet me to clear the air 1:1. I said ok, after the group meet-up.

He also said he’d like us to keep meeting up together, I told him I’m uncomfortable doing this at the moment but he said he hopes I won’t be for too much longer. 

We’ll see what happens I guess!

 

[Alpacalia]

Okay.

This seems like an awful lot of hassle on both your ends just for a first "is this a first date or not?"

Having let him know his behavior towards the other women wasn't quite to your liking might have been a good idea.

So, see how it goes.

Perhaps you'll both find a new friend in one another.

 

Edited January 20, 2022 by Alpaca

[Kamille]

I have no idea whether he wants friendship or is still considering more. 

This situation seems to really set your guards up, in ways that go beyond what is normal. I have not read any of your previous threads, but why do you think this is? Have you been hurt in the past? Why are you feeling so vulnerable?

Why aren't you comfortable meeting with him alone? 

Edited January 21, 2022 by Kamille

[introverted1]

The narrative about this guys keeps shifting.  First he was interested but unwilling to ask you out, then he was clearly disinterested and flirting with others in front of you.  Then you claimed he was using you, and that you never wanted to see him again. That quickly morphed into you two were great friends with tons of chemistry.  Most recently, you claim that he is the one interested and pursuing you.

The bottom line is that it's been nearly a month since you met, you have yet to go on a date, and yet there has somehow been an inordinate amount of drama. Whether this is exclusively of your own making or he's a contributor is unknown, but what is clear is that no first date should be this difficult.  It's not a Disney movie, where overcoming obstacles means you were meant to be together.  It's real life and if two consenting adults can't agree on a first date, they are mis-matched.  At this point, I am going to guess that this guy knows how keen you are on him and hopefully he will not choose to take advantage of that.  If I were you, I'd walk away while I still had some dignity intact.