Jump to content

Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

babybrowns

By babybrowns
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted (edited)
20 hours ago, babybrowns said:

But as Bailey said, for him to make such an abrupt departure, our association couldn’t have meant that much to him in the first place. It meant a lot to me, it has ruined my weekend. 

 

It didn't mean that much to him, nor should it have.  You've not even been on a date, you allowed no real opportunity for romantic energy to grow. 

If we look at interest as a scale of 1-10, with 5 as a minimum prerequisite for romantic feeling to develop, you were at a 5 with him, barely hanging on.  If you were at a job and barely hanging on, would you go into the manager's office and demand a raise?  No, you'd want to prove your value and not make demands until you were in a stronger position to negotiate.  You would've improved your value by being cool, making things easy, guys want easy (as far as date planning and consistency from you) not acting jealous or looking to create drama.  You had zero leverage to expect anything reassuring from him.

You have to learn how to filter some of what you're thinking; think to yourself "could what I'm about to say potentially cause this guy to lose interest?"  Stop projecting your interest on to him, just because you are highly interested doesn't mean he is there, nor should he be.  Your interest does nothing for him, he has to feel it, and you have to allow those feelings to grow in time.

Edited by dramafreezone
  • Like 1
  • Thanks 2
Pumpernickel Established Member

Pumpernickel

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Your interest does nothing for him, he has to feel it, and you have to allow those feelings to grow in time.

Right. I agree. We can’t expect others to see things the same way we do. Others don’t look through the same lens, most of the time. And it usually doesn’t help if we forcefully try make them look at things through the same lens. This only leads to defensive behavior. What BB did wrong was to tell him that she doesn’t appreciate the way he acted, and that she pretty much expects him to act differently. Not directly. But in a passive-aggressive way. (“You do this and that, and there’s “nothing wrong” with that, BUT …….”) - and if it wasn’t meant to be passive-aggressive, then it certainly arrived & appeared that way; and that’s how he perceived it for sure. 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

>>End a friendship based on me expressing concerns, looking out for my own well-being before venturing forward.<<

BB firstly, I think it's real important that you start being emotionally honest with yourself. 

This was not a "friendship." You were romantically interested and attracted to him and your desire was to date him.

Secondly, re the above quote, it is unreasonable to expect reassurance that you won't get hurt before ever even having a date.  

I personally don't expect reassurance that I won't get hurt, ever!  Even in a long term relationship.

It's not a man's job to reassure you, it's your job to be emotionally stable enough to handle whatever the outcome will be and know that you will be OK no matter what. 

Honestly, and I say this with kindness but you seem so emotionally fragile, almost too vulnerable.

You're placing too much pressure on a man to take care of you emotionally, to reassure he won't hurt you versus allowing things to flow spontaneously, naturally and gradually.  And again having the confidence and knowing you will be OK no matter what happens. 

I will tell you from experience men are drawn to this confidence in women, this "joie de vivre" attitude like bees to honey! 

You said earlier you are aware where you went wrong here, and in other dating situations and were going to "work on it."

I hope you were serious about that, because I think you will be hard pressed to find a man who will provide you with the reassurance you need that you won't get hurt before ever even having a date with you. 

And if he does, he's full of **** and I wouldn't trust it. 

All the best on this exciting but challenging journey BB.  💛

 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 2
Lookingforlove98 Member

Lookingforlove98

Posted
Posted
36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

wow spot 

Wow spot on , this is so true. You have to know your wort and not look for outward reassurances , because you will always be powerless that way and it will turn people away. You will chase a person who might have been interested off because you’re operating from a place of insecurity and panic, not being your true Self.  Do not let anyonr make you feel less, you’re not, and if you see your real value , you won’t be bothered by this type of guy, 

  • Like 1
NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
On 1/9/2022 at 4:37 PM, jspice said:

He’s acting single because he is single. 
 

As I  in your other thread,  she f a guy likes you he’ll follow through. I think you got bad advice telling you that YOU should reach out more. Be vulnerable. Ask him out. 
 

here you’re seeing the results of you making all the first moves when he has given you no real indication of interest. He’s didn’t ask you out but you were told to reach out. 
 

interested people ACT interested. He’s never asked you out, has he?

stop initiating. 
 

 

I do agree that the OP should stop initiating but I'll defend my position that she should have simply asked him out.  

This advice was prompted by  the hiking scenario;  earlier OP wrote that she'd  let him know she was going hiking, with the secret hope that he'd invite himself along.  His failure to invite himself along was being used to gage his level of interest.

My point was, and still is, that if she had asked him to go hiking, she would have definitely had a good gage of his level of interest based on his response.  All this weird conjecturing could have been put to rest there and then.  

People hate rejection.  I am no exception.  Men in general are not exceptions, but we are more socially conditioned to deal with them as we learn from an early age that it's our role to do the asking out.  Women are taught that this is not feminine and a bad idea.  I do disagree with that.  I can't imagine that if I were interested in a woman and she asked me out that I would then be turned off because of that.  Unless she displayed some unappealing characteristics while she was doing the asking.

Anyway, my point is, it's probably better to just cut to the chase and ask than to carry on with this slow bleed of unhappiness over whether a person who you don't even know - who is really nothing to you but a slight pique of interest, not even a developed crush - is interested or not.  

Ask, take the information you got from asking, and MOVE accordingly.  

  • Like 2
NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
19 hours ago, balletomane said:

There is an obvious pattern here. This is at least the third guy you've described having a "rare connection" with. It seems like every single time you feel attracted to someone, you decide it's this rare and special thing...and then you get upset when the guy himself doesn't appear to find it rare or special. You need to stop unilaterally convincing yourself that a connection exists, and stop insisting it's rare when if anything you get attached easily.

 

Agreed.  

OP - once a "healthy" or even decent man gets a sense of what is going on,  he WILL  move on from you quick. 

The exception to this will be if he is a slimy sort.  Such a guy may recognize your inappropriate attachment  / vulnerability as a ripe opening to take advantage of you.

You and this guy are acquaintances who have enjoyed one another's company.   Now you've put him in a defensive position because he has been being himself.  If you have observed things about him being himself that you have not liked, this is good information for you to consider.  Maybe a guy you're interested in who shares with you about getting other girls' numbers in not right for you, and / or hasn't shown you the level of interest you want from a potential boyfriend.   

Great info!  Move on. 

 He's not going to change his ways because you shared that.  100% for sure on that one.  So what were you looking for, realistically?

I don't mean to be harsh, and I don't think that you have done anything "bad."  Just not taking good care of yourself.  

It's such a pattern that I think you might benefit from getting some type of counseling to help you sort through this stuff so you won't have to keep going through it.  You are not doing right by yourself.

 

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
  • Author
babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hello all,

Thank you for your thoroughly useful responses. They are helping me a lot.

A turn of events. I sent the guy a final ‘goodbye’ in response to his own goodbye, I told him I valued him a lot but that it is clear he placed no value on our association at all to terminate it so abruptly. 

He replied to say he “never wanted to terminate anything”, asked if we could please meet to talk. He expressed his interest that he does like me more than a friend and he really wants to see me to talk things through.

I tentatively said yes, still a little hurt from his sudden departure, and then- wait for it- he cancelled on me because of another party event that just came up.

It is clear that he places very little value on our friendship/association/ whatever it is. With how upset this man has the power to make me, as I saw last weekend when he swiftly ended our connections, I do not want to go forward with this anymore.

Parties will always be his priority, he is in that place of his life, and there is absolutely no way I want to build something with someone on such an unstable foundation. 
I’ll see what happens I guess…

  • Confused 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I sent the guy a final ‘goodbye’ in response to his own goodbye, I told him I valued him a lot but that it is clear he placed no value on our association at all to terminate it so abruptly. 

You cannot seem to help yourself, why on earth would you feel it necessary to get in another "dig"...???
Did you think that would make him change his mind?
I guess he felt shamed enough to suggest another meet then thought about it or discussed with a friend and decided it was a lost cause...

You are "hard work", try to be a bit nicer, less rigid, more flexible, more friendly... less accusatory, less emotional...

  • Like 5
  • Thanks 1
Alvi Established Member

Alvi

Posted
Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

With how upset this man has the power to make me, as I saw last weekend when he swiftly ended our connections, I do not want to go forward with this anymore.

How come he has so much power to make you upset? Do you think it would do you some good to explore why you thinking about some stranger having any sort of power over you? I can understand slightly confused and annoyed, but you are taking this like ten steps further. I think you are obsessing a bit too much over him. Did you put him on a pedestal? This guy should be just a bleep on your radar, nothing more. You've met him, what, two or three times? So, he didn't show the same level of interest in you and he didn't live up to your expectations. So what? It happens all the time. Finding someone for a relationship is very difficult, almost impossible. Even on a best day, finding that special connection is very rare. It might be even more rare for it to be mutual.  

Next time, take it easy.  See what happens or doesn't happen. Be fine with it either way. Remember that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Be more open minded but observe the guy's behavior carefully. Don't shoot yourself in a foot by throwing accusations and making assumptions. Basically, have fun and go with a flow.

 

Edited by Alvi
  • Like 1
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
35 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

- wait for it- he cancelled on me because of another party event that just came up.

He's not your BF, so owes you nothing. Including relationship talks.

Make other friends, but try to be clear in your own mind, who are friends and who are dates.

  • Like 1
Alvi Established Member

Alvi

Posted
Posted
55 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It is clear that he places very little value on our friendship/association/ whatever it is.

He hardly knows you. You hardly know him.  Friendships take time to develop.

56 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Parties will always be his priority, he is in that place of his life, and there is absolutely no way I want to build something with someone on such an unstable foundation. 

That might very well be it. Maybe he is a party guy. But what that has anything to do with you?  You cannot seriously be upset that some stranger doesn't live up to whatever image you had of him in your head. 

  • Like 3
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, Alvi said:

You cannot seriously be upset that some stranger doesn't live up to whatever image you had of him in your head. 

And yet, that’s exactly what she has done. 

No offence BB, but this “relationship” has been a series of assumptions, judgments, miscommunications, accusations - little wonder why he has chosen to walk away and pursue other options - 

He never gave you any indication that he wanted anything serious with you. You have blown this WAY out of proportion and created a very awkward situation for yourself. 

The fact that you consider HIM to be the problem and now sit in judgment with your nose bent out of shape shows how little insight you have here - 

  • Like 2
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not your BF, so owes you nothing. Including relationship talks.

He has actually handled this with kindness and respect, IMHO. He must really be shaking his head as he walks away…

 

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 1
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

why on earth would you feel it necessary to get in another "dig"... 

Good question. It seems unnecessary, when it’s quite clear that he has no interest in dating you. 

We’re you trying to restore some self respect BB - put him down to make yourself feel better? Or, do you truly not understand how unnecessary it was to insult the man in this way after he had told you there would be no relationship. Whatever the reason, it was unnecessary and made you look even more foolish and mean spirited than you did the last time you spoke -  

There is a lot to be said for knowing when to keep your dignity. All you had to do was wish him well - 

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 2
  • Author
babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Hello all,

So the sad ending has indeed come…

He told me he did initially want to have the meal with me and see where things would go. But then he changed his mind; saying he has reflected on our prior text conversation which actually made him feel we are “incompatible”.

So he went from yesterday wanting to see me and potentially try for something, to suddenly saying today that he only sees us as friends, with no interim chat between us thus no interim influence other than him reflecting.

Yes ofcourse I learnt from my mistakes in our prior conversations last weekend. But the guy has absolutely messed me around, by inviting me out  yesterday to ‘talk about everything and see where things go’, and then today, out of the blue contacting me to say he is cancelling the meet-up because of a new party that came up and that he “only wants to be friends, after thinking about it”.

I don’t want to see him again.

Edited by babybrowns
  • Confused 1
Johnjohnson2017 Established Member

Johnjohnson2017

Posted
Posted
34 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

So the sad ending has indeed come…

He told me he did initially want to have the meal with me and see where things would go. But then he changed his mind; saying he has reflected on our prior text conversation which actually made him feel we are “incompatible”.

So he went from yesterday wanting to see me and potentially try for something, to suddenly saying today that he only sees us as friends, with no interim chat between us thus no interim influence other than him reflecting.

Yes ofcourse I learnt from my mistakes in our prior conversations last weekend. But the guy has absolutely messed me around, by inviting me out  yesterday to ‘talk about everything and see where things go’, and then today, out of the blue contacting me to say he is cancelling the meet-up because of a new party that came up and that he “only wants to be friends, after thinking about it”.

I don’t want to see him again.

Sorry about what you are going through.

There were many red flags about him...examples:  He flirts with a lot of women... he flirts with other women in front of you disregarding your feelings.... Women throw themselves at him. You should have friendzoned him after you saw his behavior with other women. That's not a type of guy you can have a serious relationship with. You were attracted to him so that clouded your judgement. 

 

  • Like 2
  • Author
babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
  • Author
Posted
31 minutes ago, S2B said:

He found someone else to connect to.

it’s not any reflection on you.

I’m not sure it’s this- as recently as last night he was very keen to meet with me.

What he said today was that “our text conversation put him off- things that he wanted to discuss in person we discussed over text which he didn’t like. Prior to that, he wanted to spend time with me, to have dinner, to explore a connection and see where things could go”. 

Now he’s saying he “does not want to do dinner anymore, just a coffee. He sees us as being better off just friends, the text conversation, now that he thinks about it exposed some incompatibilities”.

I am just wondering whether an in-person chat would help things? He was keen until yesterday and I know he can be keen again. Or should I just pull away altogether? 

  • Confused 2
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I am just wondering whether an in-person chat would help things? He was keen until yesterday and I know he can be keen again. Or should I just pull away altogether? 

Just lay back. The more you pursue this imaginary love affair and have complex relationship talks, the deeper in quicksand you are getting.

By now what he means by "incompatible" is "scary". Try not to come on this strong.

Let the guy go. Date others.

  • Like 4
introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just lay back. The more you pursue this imaginary love affair and have complex relationship talks, the deeper in quicksand you are getting.

By now what he means by "incompatible" is "scary". Try not to come on this strong.

Let the guy go. Date others.

This.

You have been chasing a fantasy, alternately idolising and then demonising this guy.  He's been neither idol nor demon, just a guy navigating the dating scene.  From his perspective, your actions and reactions are over the top.

No one expects someone they haven't even had a first date with to "express concerns" and "look for their own well-being."  If you have these sorts of concerns before a first date, then simply call it off and move on to the next guy.  Asking the guy to promise fealty or provide a guarantee of his motives just makes you look desperate and slightly unhinged. 

And then to follow up his "goodbye" message with one of your own, where it's obvious you were asking him to refute your assumption that "he placed no value on our association at all." Guilt rarely works to motivate someone in a positive way. It's no wonder that, after he thought about it, he decided not to meet up. 

You seem to think it's his behavior that's the issue here, but whatever missteps he's made pale in comparison to yours. Once you see that a stranger doesn't conduct themselves in a way you like, the solution is to move on, not to confront them on their behavior.  It's not as if this was an established friend/partner, in which case calling him out on unexpected behavior would be warranted.  This is a new person you have not even had a single date with! 

Dating should be fun, BB, both for you and for the guy.  No one can have fun when their motives are constantly questioned.  Yes, there is uncertainty in the early days of dating.  Being able to quell your anxiousness and allow the situation to unfold organically is something you would benefit from learning to do.

 

  • Like 6
  • Thanks 2
  • Author
babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you, all and whilst I do see very clearly how I could have done things differently, this guy has completely messed me around.

In the last 3 days, he has changed his mind 3 times about wanting us to meet up and talk. Each time I’ve said yes but then again he has cancelled. Very fickle.

Last night he revealed a lot of emotion, saying “that day that we met up the two of us and spent 6 hours together…he just didn’t want to leave even at the end of it. He’ll never, ever forget that day and will always remember me by it”. And with that, he deleted me from social media, saying “You’ll be happier now, I’ll no longer be causing you any pain”.

Very sad and I really hope this is not the end.

  • Confused 1
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

  with that, he deleted me from social media, saying “You’ll be happier now, I’ll no longer be causing you any pain”.

At some level you may have known delete and block were his next steps.

He doesn't owe you anything. He was merely in a Meetup group to make friends and socialize.

If it helps, consider that he may be telling others in the group how strange this has been and that you assumed after one Meetup event, that you two were dating.

Step back from this. 

  • Like 2
balletomane Established Member

balletomane

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you, all and whilst I do see very clearly how I could have done things differently, this guy has completely messed me around.

In the last 3 days, he has changed his mind 3 times about wanting us to meet up and talk. Each time I’ve said yes but then again he has cancelled. Very fickle.

Last night he revealed a lot of emotion, saying “that day that we met up the two of us and spent 6 hours together…he just didn’t want to leave even at the end of it. He’ll never, ever forget that day and will always remember me by it”. And with that, he deleted me from social media, saying “You’ll be happier now, I’ll no longer be causing you any pain”.

Very sad and I really hope this is not the end.

BB, as poppyfields advised, you need to start being honest with yourself.

Yesterday you were announcing, "I don't want to see him again." Not even 24 hours later it's, "I really hope it's not the end." You want to date this guy. He made it very clear that he wasn't looking to date exclusively, but you insisted on trying to have deep, intense relationship talks when you'd never even been on a date, and when that didn't lead to him declaring undying love and loyalty, you started sending passive-aggressive messages. From an outsider perspective, he's alternately feeling guilty because you're hurt and seeking to say whatever will make you feel better, then feeling exasperated and trying to cut ties. But whatever he does, you're going to frame it as him having feelings for you or him cruelly taking advantage, because it seems like these are the only two possibilities you're willing to consider. You don't want to face the possibility that you've behaved erratically and unreasonably, and he simply isn't interested in a relationship with you.

You come across as a nice and well-meaning person, but you're sabotaging yourself by getting far too attached to people you don't know, then trying to pin blame on them if they don't follow the fairytale script that you've written in your head. This is naturally going to unnerve people. You need to stop.

  • Like 4
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted (edited)

It is hard to believe that this thread is still going.

With someone you hadn't even been on a single date with, you basically tried to forge and negotiate a relationship with him in the hope that he would allay all your fears.

From what I can tell, you are still trying to do so.

Being someone that has moved too quickly in the past, sometimes I still struggle to distinguish between being a hopeless romantic and doing something against my "you do you" rule.

Get out of the hopeless romantic mindset towards this individual and adopt the "you do you" policy. Step back.

He's not interested.

 

Edited by Alpaca
  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, babybrowns said:

and I know he can be keen again

What makes you say that?
He is no longer interested.
He has had enough of your nonsense.
You sabotaged the whole thing and then blamed him, and now you think you can salvage it...

  • Like 6
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted

There is another thing as well that I think may be helpful for you in the future.

Already feeling unconfident of yourself, you were pushed out of your comfort zone towards a man that showed very little romantic interest in you.

If a man's romantic interest in you is low from the start, unclear, or if he does not pursue you in other ways, it unwise to propose a date to him.

Taking his "maybe we should do something again" as an invitation to "ask him out" was your mistake.

Remember that you replied "that would be fun" and he did not take you up on your offer.

However, you kept asking him to set up a first date.

If it's any help, I've suggested a first date before, but that was only after the man reached out to me first and called me repeatedly without my prompting on my end.

This is not a criticism, but rather something to consider in the future.

Though you are experiencing some difficulties, you seem like a very kind and sweet lady, and I have no doubt that things will improve for you soon.

 

 

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...