Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I broached the subject with him, which upset him. I said to him that I’ve observed the way he is with girls at parties, which I emphasised there is “nothing wrong with”, and that I just wanted to be proceed with caution. 

Rather than reassure me, he got upset, said he “does not want to put effort into someone who thinks badly of him”, and cut off association with me.

Sorry this happened, but having relationship talks when you are not even dating or accusing him of being a cad is not a good way to make friends.

Just lay back, maybe you can be friends one day, but try not to use this meetup group as a speed dating event. "Proceed with caution" is rather heavy handed, considering you were going out for a meal as friends.

[Alpacalia]

Having never been on a date with the man, what would you feel if he told you he didn't like other men approaching you despite the fact that you hadn't gone out with him?

Honestly, you only had two choices here.

Don't go on the date, or go on the date and see what happens.

The problem is, I think he sees you as too self-conscious and maybe even demanding, two things which don't bode well.

Edited January 15, 2022 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I broached the subject with him, which upset him. I said to him that I’ve observed the way he is with girls at parties, which I emphasised there is “nothing wrong with”, and that I just wanted to be proceed with caution. 

Rather than reassure me...

BB, despite YOUR attraction, I don't believe he was ever all that interested in you, I'm sorry. 

However re the bolded, you are going to drive every man away with such intensity and need for reassurance.

I mean, you haven't even been on a proper date yet!  

Somehow, you are going to have to learn to contain your anxiety and live with a certain amount of uncertainty.  Especially before you've even had a date!   

Please learn from this and take steps to manage your emotions and intensity.  Otherwise again, you will drive every potential date away.

It will do you a world of good, I promise you. 

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I was looking forward to seeing him for the meal next week but at the same time I was worried about getting too emotionally invested in someone who was simply playing the field.

IIRC this is not the first time your "worries" have scared off likely prospects.
STOP interrogating guys you hardly know and accusing them of all sorts to try to somehow "guarantee" they won't hurt you.

Now, as usual, they get upset and angry and storm off. leaving you hurt anyway.
 

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I broached the subject with him, which upset him. I said to him that I’ve observed the way he is with girls at parties, which I emphasised there is “nothing wrong with”, and that I just wanted to be proceed with caution. 

Clearly, there was something wrong with it or you wouldn’t have felt the need to tell him how you felt about it. 

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It’s made me very upset because I feel as though I’ve messed things up.

You did in a way - you can’t put an expectation on a man that you are not dating. Also, it’s not his job to reassure you about anything - he is not your boyfriend. You had plans to meet for lunch - 

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I really like this guy, it is rare that I have this much chemistry and connection with someone and I was so excited to see him.

Clearly, your feelings we’re not returned if he was also checking out other women and shut you out so abruptly. 

Again BB - I think you failed to read the social situation here and your expectations were out of line with reality. 

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

But it was because of that excitement that I was worried about getting hurt and just needed some clarity, that was all.

If you are worried about getting hurt, you don’t invest in a relationship with a man who is probably multidating. You also don’t invest in a man before you have had a few dates and he has reciprocated interest. 

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I am hoping that he comes around, things were going so well until this conversation happened.

No they weren’t - he was checking out other women, possibly dating other women. You also hadn’t actually been on a date with him yet! 

I wouldn’t expect him to “come around,” you told him what you expect and he clearly decided that it wasn’t what he wanted - 

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Devastated

I get that you were interested in the man and you are disappointed that your interest wasn’t returned. But you can’t possibly be devastated by the loss of a relationship that you never had - 

Edited January 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[Happy Lemming]

Added to the situation is... now you will be feeling awkward around him next time you are both attending this "meetup" type group.

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I said to him that I’ve observed the way he is with girls at parties, which I emphasised there is “nothing wrong with”, and that I just wanted to be proceed with caution. 

This sounds a little bit like drama queen territory, and he probably felt exactly that. 
Because - proceed with caution about what exactly? (I know what you were most probably referring to, which is “dating him”, but he might have read it and been like (chin scratch emoji…)) - It also sounds accusatory for absolutely no reason, and it also sounds like “reverse psychology” where you throw out a statement just for the sake of getting some sort of reassurance from him.
 

All around - the way you communicated the whole thing was poor; the choice to do this via text was even worse, and the fact that you brought it up in the first place was also meh. You could’ve just done nothing, meet for lunch, as planned, and get to know him better. Things could’ve developed from there, but now the whole situation reminds me of a delicate plant that needs to be watered carefully at certain intervals - just with the right amount of water, definitely not too much (more is less!) -, but someone just dumped a whole gallon of water on it to make it “grow faster”. 

curious for when the next meetup is scheduled and if you’re gonna be there 

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I broached the subject with him, which upset him. I said to him that I’ve observed the way he is with girls at parties, which I emphasised there is “nothing wrong with”, and that I just wanted to be proceed with caution. 

 

This was an error, but a teachable moment.  You have to consider what you say to people from their point of view.  Your comment was made because of what you wanted to hear from him, a bit manipulative in a way, in that you wanted his response to reassure you.

I guess what I'm saying is be mindful of how others will view your comments and weigh if it's even worth saying.  If it were directed at me, I probably would've made a joke about it or made light of it by saying "well I am an admired man you know," but one thing I would not have done is reassure you.  You haven't even been on a date with him, you're worrying about things that are frankly none of your business at this time.

Quote

But it was because of that excitement that I was worried about getting hurt and just needed some clarity, that was all. I am hoping that he comes around, things were going so well until this conversation happened.

You cannot have true love without risking being hurt.  The degree to which you are willing to be vulnerable is inversely correlated with the degree of connection you can have with someone else, so you have to make a choice.  If you want to avoid being hurt, you will always keep people at an arms length and have your guard up, and you're going to continue to self-sabotage like this.  You want to really connect with someone, you have to lower the guard, and the risk of being hurt is the cost of doing business with love.

Edited January 15, 2022 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

If you are worried about getting hurt you don’t invest in a relationship with a man who is probably multidating.

IMO if you're overly focused and worried about getting hurt, you should not be dating at all.

Dating, relationships heck even marriage is a risk.  Your partner can leave any time, regardless of whether you're exclusive, or even committed. 

There are never ever any guarantees. 

The key to being successful at dating and relationships is knowing you will be OK no matter what the outcome. 

The issue for you BB is that you will not be okay.  Even now, you have not even had one real date with this man and you're "devastated."

You must know this is not healthy and since it's become a pattern for you, I would look into getting some professional help to help you sort through these emotions. 

You are pushing men away before it even starts.  I'm sorry. 

 

[Alpacalia]

If you don't want to stop dating, don't stop.

You can date; simply proceed at your own pace. Whether the next man you meet will accept your pace and your questions is a matter of personal choice.

[babybrowns]

Thank you everyone for your replies. This thing has really hit me hard and I have been in tears for most of the day. I just like him so much and I keep seeing him flirt around, that I didn’t want to go to this dinner with him and be blindsided that I’m one of many.

I get that I was too intense, too early, that I scared him away. I’ve just done the ‘wait it out’ thing before and got a slap in the face from the guy, that I wanted to know on the right side of the date whether this was a date or not.

But as Bailey said, for him to make such an abrupt departure, our association couldn’t have meant that much to him in the first place. It meant a lot to me, it has ruined my weekend. 

Even if he does talk to me again, I’ll be so embarrassed after all of this, I can’t face him again. I’m not even going to anymore events where he’ll be. If anything, it’ll be so upsetting.

The saddest thing here is the loss of a dear friendship  it hurts more than most romantic losses I’ve had before; we just connected so well in this case. We bantered every day on messenger, and when we met the conversation  just flowed. I genuinely feel like I’ve lost a best friend. So, so, so sad  

Edited January 15, 2022 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

The saddest thing here is the loss of a dear friendship

How long have you known the man?

11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I genuinely feel like I’ve lost a best friend.

How would it have felt to see your best friend (who you have a crush on) in a relationship with another woman. 

Really BB, you need to gain some perspective here. You had a crush on this guy and it didn’t work out - que sera sera. 

In the future, if you don’t want to have your hopes dashed this way - don’t try to date a man who is pursuing other women. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

You are pushing men away before it even starts.   

Maybe that is the intention.
Seems the thrill of the unknown, the getting involved, the excitement, the risk... which is all part of the fun of dating, is just too much for BB, so sabotaging, getting upset, and playing the victim is in fact far easier than putting oneself out there with the prospect of it all going wrong later.
 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe that is the intention.
Seems the thrill of the unknown, the getting involved, the excitement, the risk... which is all part of the fun of dating, is just too much for BB, so sabotaging, getting upset, and playing the victim is in fact far easier than putting oneself out there with the prospect of it all going wrong later.
 

And I thought I was deep!  Lol

But bingo elaine, I believe you hit the nail on the head which is why I suggested professional help if in fact BB wants a mutually happy and rewarding long term relationship.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

The saddest thing here is the loss of a dear friendship we just connected so well in this case. We bantered every day on messenger, and when we met the conversation  just flowed.

The meetup was to make friends not find men to date, so the relationship talk and jealous reaction was off-putting.

Get on some dating apps to date.

[BaileyB]

I remember some of BB’s early posts - she was in a relationship with a man and the relationship had long since passed it’s expiry date. She hung onto that relationship far longer than she should have and it hurt her very badly.

Personally, I always feel like dating for BB is the equivalent of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You just never seem to find a man who is interested and have a relationship progress normally. It feels to my like you are either trying to force something or creating red flags where they do not exist/unintentionally self sabotaging as a form of self protection. It’s got to be exhausting and frustrating for you. 

 

[balletomane]

Oh BB. I'm sorry. I can see how upset you are, and I wish there was a way to make it hurt less.

There is an obvious pattern here. This is at least the third guy you've described having a "rare connection" with. It seems like every single time you feel attracted to someone, you decide it's this rare and special thing...and then you get upset when the guy himself doesn't appear to find it rare or special. You need to stop unilaterally convincing yourself that a connection exists, and stop insisting it's rare when if anything you get attached easily.

You couldn't have been blindsided by this man showing interest in other women had you gone on the date. You couldn't have been blindsided because you already knew it. He'd made that clear. What you wanted was him to tell you he wouldn't be going out with any other women. In other words, you basically wanted him to commit to a relationship with you when he barely knows you. No one is going to do that, unless they're very clingy and insecure themselves.

I think you need to address your anxiety before looking for more dates, otherwise this will keep happening. It would also be wisest to stop seeing the meetup group as a dating service. It sounds like its main function is to help people make friends in the area. You seem to have joined with different expectations and are getting upset when those aren't met.

[babybrowns]

Thank you so much for your replies all. Yes I identify a pattern of self-sabotage, and will definitely be working on this. 

I know I’ve messed this up really bad. The guy got angry on me, mainly for the fact that “I could think him to be a guy who plays around” and that “he was initially really looking forward to seeing me and it being just us. But that’s all changed now. That he clearly makes me uncomfortable. All the best.”.

The last message I sent to him was: “If I’m right {about my thoughts of him liking lots of girls}, yes it’s best to leave things there, and all the best to him too. If I’m not right, I’d still be up for meeting him. He knows himself best.” He’s read this but not responded as yet.

I have to admit that I find it a little odd how he could suddenly flip like that and just cut me off. End a friendship based on me expressing concerns, looking out for my own well-being before venturing forward. Yes he’s 5 years younger than me and in his ‘flirting around’ years.

I wonder if there is anything I can say or do, that might help things? I was soo looking forward to seeing him for this meal on Friday, and now I know he was looking forward to seeing me too. I really don’t want it to end like this  

 

[balletomane]

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you so much for your replies all. Yes I identify a pattern of self-sabotage, and will definitely be working on this. 

I know I’ve messed this up really bad. The guy got angry on me, mainly for the fact that “I could think him to be a guy who plays around” and that “he was initially really looking forward to seeing me and it being just us. But that’s all changed now. That he clearly makes me uncomfortable. All the best.”.

The last message I sent to him was: “If I’m right {about my thoughts of him liking lots of girls}, yes it’s best to leave things there, and all the best to him too. If I’m not right, I’d still be up for meeting him. He knows himself best.” He’s read this but not responded as yet.

I have to admit that I find it a little odd how he could suddenly flip like that and just cut me off. End a friendship based on me expressing concerns, looking out for my own well-being before venturing forward. Yes he’s 5 years younger than me and in his ‘flirting around’ years.

I wonder if there is anything I can say or do, that might help things? I was soo looking forward to seeing him for this meal on Friday, and now I know he was looking forward to seeing me too. I really don’t want it to end like this  

 

You're falling into self-sabotage with this post.

You've known this man for about a month, and how many times have you actually met in person? Twice? Judging by your posts, it can't be more than two or three times. Most people wouldn't even dignify that with the name friendship. He's a new acquaintance. You're talking about him as a "best friend" and assuming he saw you in the same way, but to him you were someone he's met not even a handful of times and who then tried to get him to date her exclusively. Messaging him again and trying to fix the situation is just going to come across as even more clingy, and doesn't address the underlying problem - you're getting fixated on someone you barely know and building him up in your mind as a lost love.

[chillii]

BB , despite how mechanical and the all so text book easy people make all this stuff sound, you were liking this guy, so what. That's the real reality when you meet somebody that hit's the right spot. l don't know your history, but you should be liking it yeah it can be hard to switch off until you know more but if you feel nothing they're wasting their time anyway.

But he was 5 yrs younger and he acts it and at parties or where ever it was and with his bragging too. Not reading 5 pages back but if he had real interest he wouldn't dummy spit like a baby none the less, he would've said blah blah anyway and no he really wanted to get to know you.

At any rate , nope best just leave it be from here, l don't think there was ever any real interest in more from him but if there was then he'll probably grow up in a few days and contact you.

 

 

 

 

[elaine567]

I can't imagine myself warming to a guy who accused me of liking lots of men.

If he is dating, he is looking for opportunities everywhere, why wouldn't he be? Are you not?
But that doesn't mean he would not have found you very attractive and alluring had you just gone to the meal.
What on earth were you thinking?
You had an opportunity and you blew it.
Please don't do that again.

Put men you meet in two piles the yes's and the no's.
Do not try to sabotage the yes's nor excuse the no's. You are guilty of both.
Date the yes's until you find a genuine reason not to.
Forget all about the no's.
 

[Lookingforlove98]

So he was flirting with you hard and showing interest and also flirting with other women too? Just a guess but he could be a player and couldn’t  handle being called out on his game.talk about overacting on his part.  He wanted you to only tell him how great he was I guess !

Edited January 16, 2022 by Lookingforlove98

[Sun Seeker]

Interesting thread.

@babybrowns Don't be too hard on yourself. If there is one thing that is clear from everything you have posted, it's that he was never really interested, or at least had very low interest. When a man has high interest, you will know it. 

You are putting him on a pedestal as if he was some amazing person and you two were made for each other. He's not and you weren't. You are putting way too much importance on your connection, chemistry, banter etc.

I could talk to 10 different women tomorrow and I'm sure I could have that chemistry with 9 of them, if I wanted. That does not mean all of them are meant to be the one, just that I know how to talk to women.

Next time be a bit more confident about yourself. That you are a great catch, and if a man you are interested in, does not see that, and make an effort to show his interest, then it is his loss, and you move on without getting too attached. There are plenty of others who you will also have this chemistry with, just need to find the one that genuinely matches your interest level.

[Kamille]

20 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I really like this guy, it is rare that I have this much chemistry and connection with someone and I was so excited to see him. But it was because of that excitement that I was worried about getting hurt and just needed some clarity, that was all. I am hoping that he comes around, things were going so well until this conversation happened.

 

You were excited. Channeled the right way, excitement can be very endearing. It can also be very difficult to navigate excitement when dating. Everyone can relate to the feeling of vulnerability that comes with feeling excited about someone. It's easy to fall into worry, into grasping for reassurance instead of just enjoying the excitement without giving it too much weight. Find tools that help keep you centered when you are excited: meditation, a talk with friends, exercise. Whatever take you away from a feeling of scarcity, of loneliness, to a feeling of abundance and balance. 

All that said, this guy wasn't your guy, and it's clear from this thread that, deep down, you sensed this. Yes, you rushed things with this conversation, but his reaction shows a lack of compassion. 

You are new in town, meeting people and probably more vulnerable to worry and loneliness than if you had an established circle of friends around you.  It usually takes awhile for a social routine to emerge, but you are working on it by going to meet ups. It will fall into place. Don't be too hard on yourself. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Kamille

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I have to admit that I find it a little odd how he could suddenly flip like that and just cut me off. End a friendship based on me expressing concerns, looking out for my own well-being before venturing forward.

Unfortunately it was you who flipped the script by having a heavy-duty relationship talk replete with insinuating he's a flirt and that you need to protect yourself.

He is not your BF or therapist. If you had simply enjoyed the meal without the heavy-handed speech and accusations, it would be fine.

"Looking out for" what exactly? It was dinner. That's it.

He was doing what people do. Making friends in a Meetup group.