Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

January 10, 2022

He’s acting single because he is single.

As I in your other thread, she f a guy likes you he’ll follow through. I think you got bad advice telling you that YOU should reach out more. Be vulnerable. Ask him out.

here you’re seeing the results of you making all the first moves when he has given you no real indication of interest. He’s didn’t ask you out but you were told to reach out.

interested people ACT interested. He’s never asked you out, has he?

stop initiating.

January 10, 2022

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He, likewise was diverting his attention elsewhere. In fact he was very much enjoying the life of a single guy at this nightclub and eagerly accepting the attention from other girls. He was doing this in front of me, and even joked to me about how one cute girl that approached him wanted his number and he wrote her name down on his phone as to not forget it, should she text him.

Why would he flirt with the others and brag about accepting a phone number from some cutie if he was into you? I mean, he did all that right in front of you. I don't know how much louder a guy can show disinterest in dating you. I don't know what kind of signals you are sending him but interested guys act like you are the only woman in the room for him when you go out. He is obviously not shy and knows exactly what he is doing. Flirting and collecting phone numbers from the women. He should be flirting with you. If he is interested that is. Yes, yes, the both of you are too "busy." Too busy means that he is not that interested. I hope I am wrong here, but I think you are wasting your time on him.

Having said that, maybe one day he is going to wake up and realize that all he wants is you, not those other women. Some friendships do turn into lovestories, we hear about them all the time. Just keep very realistic expectations when it comes to him.

January 10, 2022

2 hours ago, jspice said:

interested people ACT interested. He’s never asked you out, has he?

I said same in earlier post; this cannot be stated enough! And I agree to stop initiating.

A 1:1 'meet up' scheduled for the end of the month?

This is not the action of a man who is interested in anything more than friendship or something casual.

I disagree that he is not pursuing you or asking you on a "date" because he is uncertain about you or you've been acting too shy..

That is NOT how confident interested men act in my experience and the way he flies around the group meet ups chatting and interacting with other women, this man does not lack confidence!

If you're ok with something casual and friendshippy, carry on.

If you have a strong attraction and your goal is a relationship with him, I don't think he's your man bb.

Sorry.

Edited January 10, 2022 by poppyfields

January 10, 2022

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He, likewise was diverting his attention elsewhere. In fact he was very much enjoying the life of a single guy at this nightclub and eagerly accepting the attention from other girls. He was doing this in front of me, and even joked to me about how one cute girl that approached him wanted his number and he wrote her name down on his phone as to not forget it, should she text him.

There seems to be lots of mixed signals here.

Yes, the woman has to show some form of attraction.

Both of you are planning to meet at the end of the month, but it in reality, he's also not making time for you and isn't reaching out to you regularly. He is also getting phone numbers from women randomly in front of you and telling you about it.

Look, you have a one on one scheduled for the end of the month. Try not to think too far ahead.

Try doing your own thing for now and see what happens. Maybe then you will have a more intimate understanding of each other and you two will really click. This time, let him pay for the dinner.

January 10, 2022

It seems he's using the Meetup group to make friends, socialize, etc.

You seem to hope it leads to a dating situation. So there's a bit of a different subagenda for you.

That's why the group going to a night club and doing what people do in night clubs is not at all odd.

While he did accept your one-on-one invitation, it doesn't necessarily mean it will lead to dating.

Clearly he likes clubbing and flirting with women as people do in clubs.

Telling you about the hotties and cuties whose numbers he collected, may mean he sees you more as a big sister or wing woman.

January 10, 2022

21 hours ago, babybrowns said:

At the same time, I feel me and him have a special connection which I do really want to give a chance to.

Sorry BB, YOU feel a special connection. Don't assume he feels the same way toward you. You have a crush on him, that's what it is. If he felt the same about you he would not have flirted with other women and then brag about it to you. That's what we see in movies but in real life when a man is into you he is in your face with it

January 10, 2022

11 hours ago, Alpaca said:

There seems to be lots of mixed signals here.

100% Agree... As a man, I can say I have definitely missed some "hints" and "signals" that a woman was interested in me.

January 10, 2022

BB has given him plenty of green lights, he'd have to be a complete moron to not realize she's interested. .

Short of flat out chasing him, there is not much more she can or should do.

At their last group meet up, he was flirting with other women, getting phone numbers and bragging to BB about it.

Regardless of whether he is interested or not that is obnoxious and jerk behaviour. I'd say worse but don't want to be banned for offensive language.

If me I'd have lost any interest I had REAL quick after that.

Raise your standards BB is my advice.

Edited January 10, 2022 by poppyfields

January 10, 2022

16 hours ago, jspice said:

He’s acting single because he is single.

As I in your other thread, she f a guy likes you he’ll follow through. I think you got bad advice telling you that YOU should reach out more. Be vulnerable. Ask him out.

here you’re seeing the results of you making all the first moves when he has given you no real indication of interest. He’s didn’t ask you out but you were told to reach out.

interested people ACT interested. He’s never asked you out, has he?

stop initiating.

"Interest" exists on a scale, it's not a yes/no or pass/fail type of deal. If you want to put it on a scale of 1-10, someone could be a 3, a 5, or a 10. The level of interest will dictate the behavior. I can be kind of interested in one woman, but if I see one that I'm crazy about I'll shoot my shot with her right off the bat. Doesn't mean I wasn't interested at all in the first woman, I was just more interested in the second one. It's not offensive if this guy doesn't see her as his #1 choice.

I remember the first time I approached a girl. It was after church when I was 14. I was interested in her weeks *before* I actually approached, but it took that long to build up the courage, the guts to approach her in front of everyone. At first I didn't have the interest to risk putting myself out there, but eventually I did because I had higher interest. But if we were to reduce it to action being the indicator of interest, then it would appear that I didn't have any, which certainly wasn't the case.

It takes a certain level of interest for a man to be aroused by a woman, and then a higher level for that man to act friendly, another to carry on a conversation, another to actually ask her out. It's a progression. At this point her interest is above his, and that happens at times.

I think this is a difference between men and women. Men inherently know that most women we encounter are not going to have the same level of interest as us. Similarly, every guy that you like isn't going to be at the exact same level of interest as you, that's unrealistic to expect. If she's interested it's not going to hurt her to take the lead for this one time. If it turns out that he is not interested enough to see her in a romantic light eventually, her ego would take a hit but least she'll know instead of wondering what could have been.

It's tough enough for us to find people that we're genuinely interested in without moving on because they're not where we are as far as interest level goes. It's rare that both man and woman have high level of interest right off the bat. One is usually going to have a higher level than the other.

Edited January 10, 2022 by dramafreezone

January 10, 2022

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

At their last group meet up, he was flirting with other women, getting phone numbers and bragging to BB about it.

OK... so this guy isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and yes, it was stupid for him to brag about getting other numbers. But at that time, he thought the OP was just a supportive friend and didn't know she may want to advance their interaction beyond friends.

In my youth, I know I made some mistakes with women and missed some "hints" or "signals", sometimes we need to be told.

I really don't see the harm in her "laying her cards out on the table" during their next 1:1 meetup.

January 10, 2022

41 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

"Interest" exists on a scale, it's not a yes/no or pass/fail type of deal. If you want to put it on a scale of 1-10, someone could be a 3, a 5, or a 10. The level of interest will dictate the behavior. It's not different from anything else, I can be kind of interested in one woman, but if I see one that I'm crazy about I'll shoot my shot with her right off the bat. Doesn't mean I wasn't interested at all in the first woman, I was just more interested in the second one. It's not offensive if this guy doesn't see her as his #1 choice.

I remember the first time I approached a girl. It was after church when I was 14. I was interested in her weeks *before* I actually approached, but it took that long to build up the courage, the guts to approach her in front of everyone. At first I didn't have the interest to risk putting myself out there, but eventually I did because I had higher interest. But if we were to reduce it to action being the indicator of interest, then it would appear that I didn't have any, which certainly wasn't the case.

It takes a certain level of interest for a man to be aroused by a woman, and then a higher level for that man to act friendly, another to carry on a conversation, another to actually ask her out. It's a progression. At this point her interest is above his, and that happens at times.

I think this is a difference between men and women. Men inherently know that most women we encounter are not going to have the same level of interest as us. Similarly, every guy that you like isn't going to be at the exact same level of interest as you, that's unrealistic to expect. If she's interested it's not going to hurt her to take the lead for this one time. If it turns out that he is not interested enough to see her in a romantic light eventually, her ego would take a hit but least she'll know instead of wondering what could have been.

It's tough enough for us to find people that we're genuinely interested in without moving on because they're not where we are as far as interest level goes. It's rare that both man and woman have high level of interest right off the bat. One is usually going to have a higher level than the other.

The guy isn’t 14. He’s an adult man.
Also, how many green lights does she have to give?
And if a man is interested in a woman, is he going to tell her about all the other women’s numbers that he got?

Then one of THOSE women can have him.

No matter how much I like a man, he’s not going to tell me “I got Jane and Susan and Sandy’s number” and then a month later when it doesn’t work out with them, I’m going to welcome him with open arms.

If that’s how you operate, good for you if women are into that. In my world that doesn’t fly.

January 10, 2022

Hello all,

Thank you for your replies so far, they’re all very helpful. It is indeed a case of mixed messages.

I should mention here though, to those that thought I’m always the initiator: he was the one who had initially suggested we get together again 1:1 after our ‘unplanned’ 1:1 event. I simply reminded him of this after we saw each other at this recent event and he keenly responded.

Something else worth mentioning is that, he even suggested we do this dinner at what some would call a ‘peak hour’. Friday night, or Saturday night. I don’t know, does that not sound at least a little like there’s some romantic intention there from his side? Rather than seeing me as a ‘big sister’? What with all the flirting especially

But then again there is the flirting with other girls in front of me and then bragging to me about it. I should point out though that I have been very good at keeping my liking for him ‘under wraps’ thus he might not quite realise I feel this way yet. Isn’t it weird he literally *jumped* at my suggestion to meet up? Almost like he was waiting for it..

It is a very confusing situation ‍

One thing is for sure though, he is absolutely not in keen pursuit. Most of the moves from him so far have been in response to me dropping ‘hints’ rather than him coming forward from his own self confidence. Then again, I am very good at hiding my attraction towards men (guys I’ve dated in the past have told me they had no idea).

I would also like to inform everyone here that I am continuing my online dating and am still talking to other guys. Some of whom I find even more attractive than him. It is more the chemistry and connection that are drawing me to this particular man so strongly, and that will make me quite disappointed if I go forward with him and do dinners with him only to find it’s not reciprocated and he sees it simply as hanging out with another pretty face.

But nevertheless, if it doesn’t work out with this guy, atleast I’ll not have put anything on hold for it. I’m also going on dates with other guys.

Just so sad that we had such a great time 1:1 hanging out over the holidays when nobody else was there, and now that we are again encountering lots of people, he seems to be forgetting me.

I just want some clarity if nothing else. I was ready to cut all ties with him after his flirting with other women in front of me. I got very upset that night (secretly) and it ruined my night, I even left the party early for it. But I was determined to see if I really was out of the picture for him- only to get confused again with his significant keenness to see me the next day and his eagerness to set the (calendar) date for it.

Such mixed messages

Edited January 10, 2022 by babybrowns

January 10, 2022

It is sometimes helpful to step back.

Ask yourself if you are sending mixed signals. But try not to spend too much time thinking about it.

This route seems more feasible than trying to interpret his and as not to invest too much.

If not with this guy, then with the next.

Edited January 10, 2022 by Alpaca

January 12, 2022

Hello all,

I’m getting really cold feet about meeting up with this guy. Yes he’s keen to see me at all, but I don’t know.

Not to mention that I was the one who asked him out: last time and this time. (Even though after last time, he did say it would be good to get together again and go for a bite, which kind of made it less awkward for me to ask him).

I just don’t want to get too invested if he’s not looking to date. As some members have said who’ve known me on here for a while, when I like someone I do get attached and emotionally invested very quickly.

It would have been a different story/ more incentivising had he been the one to ask me out. Granted that yes I’m good at hiding my feelings. But this guy flirts with other girls in front of me…I don’t think he would if he genuinely liked me…and this will inevitably happen again at our group events when we are constantly in those kinds of scenarios.

Meaning that as I get more invested, I’ll stand more risk of getting hurt and not enjoying these group events, which I joined primarily for the purpose of making new friends.

I am wondering whether it would be worth asking other friends to join us on this dinner- how would that be for an idea? Personally I’d feel more comfortable with that.

I don’t want to put the guy off if he is romantically interested, but then again going for dinner strikes too much of a romantic chord and I’ll end up looking like an idiot if he just sees it as friends.

Edited January 12, 2022 by babybrowns

January 12, 2022

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I just don’t want to get too invested if he’s not looking to date.

Ok. That's fine. Think of it as two new friends, who met at a meetup social group, just enjoying a nice meal out.

Because that's really all this is. He may be looking to date women, but he's taking numbers from them in clubs and he's not asking you out.

He's using the Meetup group to make friends, which he is doing. He doesn't know about your hidden dating agenda.

January 12, 2022

12 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I’m getting really cold feet about meeting up with this guy. Yes he’s keen to see me at all, but I don’t know.

Not to mention that I was the one who asked him out: last time and this time. (Even though after last time, he did say it would be good to get together again and go for a bite, which kind of made it less awkward for me to ask him).

I just don’t want to get too invested if he’s not looking to date. As some members have said who’ve known me on here for a while, when I like someone I do get attached and emotionally invested very quickly.

It would have been a different story/ more incentivising had he been the one to ask me out. Granted that yes I’m good at hiding my feelings. But this guy flirts with other girls in front of me…I don’t think he would if he genuinely liked me…and this will inevitably happen again at our group events when we are constantly in those kinds of scenarios.

Meaning that as I get more invested, I’ll stand more risk of getting hurt and not enjoying these group events, which I joined primarily for the purpose of making new friends.

I am wondering whether it would be worth asking other friends to join us on this dinner- how would that be for an idea? Personally I’d feel more comfortable with that.

I don’t want to put the guy off if he is romantically interested, but then again going for dinner strikes too much of a romantic chord and I’ll end up looking like an idiot if he just sees it as friends.

I think you're overthinking this. You don't have to worry about how he thinks you view things.

Think of the date as an experiement. All you have to do is see how he behaves on the date, and act on what you see. Is it more of a friendly vibe or romantic? Don't assume romantic if you don't feel romantic vibe from him, speaking as a guy we're not very good at hiding affection. That said, just because you don't feel romantic now doesn't mean romantic can't grow. But you have to allow it to do so naturally, you cannot force it.

Inviting others is a confounding factor and will not give you the answer you're seeking. I wouldn't do dinner, something like a drink or coffee. I would do either of those events with a friend or a romantic prospect. You can see which way he leans and then proceed accordingly. Just be in the moment and get out of your head.

Edited January 12, 2022 by dramafreezone

January 13, 2022

On 1/10/2022 at 9:41 AM, jspice said:

The guy isn’t 14. He’s an adult man.
Also, how many green lights does she have to give?
And if a man is interested in a woman, is he going to tell her about all the other women’s numbers that he got?

Then one of THOSE women can have him.

No matter how much I like a man, he’s not going to tell me “I got Jane and Susan and Sandy’s number” and then a month later when it doesn’t work out with them, I’m going to welcome him with open arms.

If that’s how you operate, good for you if women are into that. In my world that doesn’t fly.

Well this is about what the OP wants. If *she* likes him, she should pursue it because she has to live with regret if she's wondering "what if." What would it hurt for her to ask him out? This isn't just some random swipe left, she actually has met him and likes him. Why does it matter that much that he pursue her?

How long does one stick to these arbitrary rules of dating before people realize that they aren't working out very well for them? I think the number of rules we impose in our dating lives has a adverse effect on how much we enjoy dating. At some point the rules became more important than if we like the person or not.

January 13, 2022

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well this is about what the OP wants. If *she* likes him, she should pursue it because she has to live with regret if she's wondering "what if." What would it hurt for her to ask him out? This isn't just some random swipe left, she actually has met him and likes him. Why does it matter that much that he pursue her?

How long does one stick to these arbitrary rules of dating before people realize that they aren't working out very well for them? I think the number of rules we impose in our dating lives has a adverse effect on how much we enjoy dating. At some point the rules became more important than if we like the person or not.

They’re not “arbitrary rules of dating”. Who wants to keep pursuing someone when they’re, at best, lukewarm about you? At worst, they see you only as a friend.

January 13, 2022

On 1/11/2022 at 11:03 PM, babybrowns said:

Not to mention that I was the one who asked him out: last time and this time.

4 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

What would it hurt for her to ask him out?

dramafreeze, according to above quote she has asked him out, twice. Yet, he still flies around the group meet up flirting with other women and bragging to BB about all the phone numbers he's getting.

BB serious question but I am wondering what is so appealing about this bozo that you are exerting all this mental energy on him?

He's a jerk and not interested. He may even be toying with you, playing with you because he knows YOU are interested in him. I mean bragging to you about all the phone numbers he's getting?

That's just beyond the pale of jerk behavior imo, even as a friend (which you're not, you are woman who is romantically interested in him and HE knows it).

He's a grown man for goodness sake, not a teenager who is too "scared" to ask a woman out or to show interest.

Come on girl, you can do better, raise your standards.

Extricate him from your consciousness, and go to the next meet up with your head high and interact with others same as you normally would and don't give this idiot a second thought.

Edited January 13, 2022 by poppyfields

January 13, 2022

59 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

dramafreeze, according to above quote she has asked him out, twice. Yet, he still flies around the group meet up flirting with other women and bragging to BB about all the phone numbers he's getting.

BB serious question but I am wondering what is so appealing about this bozo that you are exerting all this mental energy on him?

He's a jerk and not interested. He may even be toying with you, playing with you because he knows YOU are interested in him. I mean bragging to you about all the phone numbers he's getting?

That's just beyond the pale of jerk behavior imo, even as a friend (which you're not, you are woman who is romantically interested in him and HE knows it).

He's a grown man for goodness sake, not a teenager who is too "scared" to ask a woman out or to show interest.

Come on girl, you can do better, raise your standards.

Extricate him from your consciousness, and go to the next meet up with your head high and interact with others same as you normally would and don't give this idiot a second thought.

Hi Poppyfields,

I was in the exact situation you describe a couple of years back, and it was the most horrendous experience.

A guy whom I met on a dating site was keeping me around for months, simply for liking the attention rather than for genuinely liking me. I found out in an ugly way when we met up for a meal; I told him how I felt about him and then got a harsh rejection. Taught me a big lesson in what signs to look for to see if a man is simply playing with me.

Does this situation I’m currently in resemble that? A little. However, what’s the difference? This guy does seem to genuinely like me. I can see the signs when I’m near him. I am very good at hiding my own feelings and I do feel that this could be what has been holding him back, and I’m willing to unpack that by seeing if I’m right.

Yes he’s not pursuing me much, but there have been a couple of initiations from his side. He suggested we meet again, after our last ‘accidental’ meet-up. He has also offered to book a table for the two of us at this restaurant we are going to, and suggested a peak hour Friday / Saturday night. So it’s not always me who’s been initiating.

If I cancel, I’ll forever regret it and think about the what ifs. If I go, and get the friendzone vibe, atleast I’ll have the clarity that I crave. I’ll get over it before I got in too deep, and it’ll help me to feel more at peace with him hitting on other girls: knowing full well where I stand and thus not having expectations not met.

January 13, 2022

17 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

He suggested we meet again, after our last ‘accidental’ meet-up. He has also offered to book a table for the two of us at this restaurant we are going to, and suggested a peak hour Friday / Saturday night. So it’s not always me who’s been initiating.

Well TBH now I am confused because in the above quote you say it has not always been you initiating but in earlier posts you said that you were doing the initiating.

And of course this:

"I was the one who asked him out: last time and this time."

You have also been back and forth between wanting to go on the restaurant date planned for later this month to having 'cold feet' and being uncertain because you don't want to get too invested in case he is NOT interested?

So, giving him the benefit of doubt (BIG doubt) since you have been giving us mixed messages, it's possible you have been giving him mixed messages also, however like I said he IS a grown man who is capable of asking a woman out and showing interest, regardless of whether or not he is 100% certain of her (your) interest in him. Men have been doing this for centuries!

That said, I am not sure what else there is for you to do since you have initiated both meet ups (unless you are into being the pursuer), but I will leave you to figure it out, and hope it all works out the way you hope!

Edited January 13, 2022 by poppyfields

January 13, 2022

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

dramafreeze, according to above quote she has asked him out, twice. Yet, he still flies around the group meet up flirting with other women and bragging to BB about all the phone numbers he's getting.

By her word he appears to lack some basic decorum and self-awareness, but they haven't been out on an official date yet. Maybe he's just a flirty type, or maybe he's trying to impress her or not seem invested.

I don't think it changes anything. What would it hurt for her to go on the date? 30 minutes (if its a bad date) isn't an unreasonable investment to see this through.

Edited January 13, 2022 by dramafreezone

January 13, 2022

28 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

By her word he appears to lack some basic decorum and self-awareness, but they haven't been out on an official date yet. Maybe he's just a flirty type, or maybe he's trying to impress her or not seem invested.

I don't think it changes anything. What would it hurt for her to go on the date? 30 minutes (if its a bad date) isn't an unreasonable investment to see this through.

Well, unless I misunderstood, they have a date scheduled for the end of this month at one of his favorite restaurants.

So BB just go on that date and play it out.

PLEASE try and relax and not overthink this, dating and getting to know each other should be fun, not overwrought with so much anxiety!

If it doesn't work out, so be, you'll get over it like we always do..... and maybe learn something from the experience.

Edited January 13, 2022 by poppyfields

January 14, 2022

On 1/13/2022 at 7:54 AM, jspice said:

They’re not “arbitrary rules of dating”. Who wants to keep pursuing someone when they’re, at best, lukewarm about you? At worst, they see you only as a friend.

They haven't even been out yet, so "lukewarm" is not unusual at this point. Maybe they should actually go out before jumping to the conclusion that he'll never see her differently..

They agreed to go out, so why not just give it a chance? If she still isn't getting a romantic vibe from him then what's lost, 30 to 60 minutes? Seems like a very small price to pay to potentially find something great. We all start from being friends anyway.

Edited January 14, 2022 by dramafreezone

January 15, 2022

Hello all,

There has been a bit of a sad turn of events. So the doubts were weighing on my mind, as to whether this guy is genuinely interested in me or sees me as one of many, or even just as a friend.

The way he bragged about the cute girl to me at the party last week, and other little things here and there had me dubious. I was looking forward to seeing him for the meal next week but at the same time I was worried about getting too emotionally invested in someone who was simply playing the field.

I broached the subject with him, which upset him. I said to him that I’ve observed the way he is with girls at parties, which I emphasised there is “nothing wrong with”, and that I just wanted to be proceed with caution.

Rather than reassure me, he got upset, said he “does not want to put effort into someone who thinks badly of him”, and cut off association with me. I explained to him where I got my concerns from: what I’ve observed at the parties, which had just made me be wary, to which he said “yea understandable, all the best”.

It’s made me very upset because I feel as though I’ve messed things up. I really like this guy, it is rare that I have this much chemistry and connection with someone and I was so excited to see him. But it was because of that excitement that I was worried about getting hurt and just needed some clarity, that was all. I am hoping that he comes around, things were going so well until this conversation happened.

Devastated

Edited January 15, 2022 by babybrowns

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