Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, jspice said:

All of this. I totally agree. 

I also agree.  To clarify, my point was not to disagree but rather to make a different separate point which seems to have gotten lost in translation, and I apologize to BB if that was the case and she took offense.

But yeah kudos to you BB for knowing what you want and what you don't want and discarding the latter sooner rather than later. 

All the best moving forward!!

 

 

[petee]

He may well be right for you, but he’s had zero feedback or encouragement. The chances are you will never know, as regardless of you being messed around, he hasn’t recognised the clues he personally needs to see. No two men are the same, what works with one is not guaranteed with the next.

If you walk then you’ve made a decision on not very much fact. Ask him to go hiking; this seems a little clumsy and you may miss out. Maybe he’s been messed around too? 

[Alpacalia]

Yes, but our OP is already stressed out by things that haven't even happened yet (not her fault). Whether or not he meant what he said is yet to be seen. In only one meeting, she invests so much energy, time, and emotion. Isn't that a recipe for burnout? A first meeting is never for certain, so it is helpful not to overthink it. 

As well, saying "let's do it again sometime" can be interpreted in many different ways because it's an empty promise. When someone gives an unsolicited promise, aren't we inclined to expect them to keep it?

Once, I was told something similar after a first date by another man and thought it was simply polite dismissal on his part so I said, "sure, I'll see you at xyz's next month" (an event that we were both attending separately) and he replied, "well, I had hoped sooner than that" which led me to think, "perhaps he does want to see me again."

His comment doesn't mean it’s a bad sign. It just means he had a nice time with someone nice and that’s all it was.

[Wiseman2]

Are both these men from the Meetup group and group chat? 

The first one was just friendly and this one as well, since it wasn't a date, just everyone else cancelled.

Why not get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single men?

Also consider some other real life activities for socializing. Volunteer. Join some groups and clubs, perhaps focused on interests and hobbies.

Get involved in sports and fitness. Take some classes and courses.

Try to broaden your horizons if these two men are from a friendship group and were clearly not asking you for one on one dates.

[dramafreezone]

Why not just take the lead and ask him out?

I know some women think they shouldn't have to do this if the guy likes you enough but what's wrong with taking the lead?  This guy may not like you as much as you like him but that just may be a temporary thing.

I just don't get why in this day and age more women aren't willing to make their own destiny because it may make you look "desparate" to a bunch of people that don't even matter, but instead you want to just wait on the guys that show 100% interest to pursue you.  Obviously those purusing guys aren't sure things, so why not try something different if you want a different outcome?

"We've always done it this way" is not a good reason to keep doing anything.  Why live your lives according to some rules someone a long time ago made up?  Dating is a numbers game, so I don't know why you wouldn't give yourself the best odds to find someone you really gel with.

Edited December 29, 2021 by dramafreezone

[petee]

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Why not just take the lead and ask him out?

I know some women think they shouldn't have to do this if the guy likes you enough but what's wrong with taking the lead?  This guy may not like you as much as you like him but that just may be a temporary thing.

I just don't get why in this day and age more women aren't willing to make their own destiny because it may make you look "desparate" to a bunch of people that don't even matter, but instead you want to just wait on the guys that show 100% interest to pursue you.  Obviously those purusing guys aren't sure things, so why not try something different if you want a different outcome?

"We've always done it this way" is not a good reason to keep doing anything.  Why live your lives according to some rules someone a long time ago made up?

Excellent post. You can’t bang heads anymore, but you can wish it! There’s a saying in the U.K… ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’. It is better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all!!

Try, it may just spark into something magical, or it could just be another night drinking whatever with a good ( getting better) pal!

[Gaeta]

One of the problem is you're trying to use a social group like meetup and turn it into a dating app. It's not.

This man was not looking to find someone to date, he was looking to integrate a group with common interest. You know nothing of him, he may be just broken up, he may be seeing someone unofficially. 

[petee]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

One of the problem is you're trying to use a social group like meetup and turn it into a dating app. It's not.

This man was not looking to find someone to date, he was looking to integrate a group with common interest. You know nothing of him, he may be just broken up, he may be seeing someone unofficially. 

So why not get to know, if the OP is interested/ curious?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you for your further responses. I have what appears to be a nice update to provide..

So I wished this guy a good NYE with his brother, told him I’d see him in the new year at another group event or something, and thanked him again for a great day out.

At this point, particularly after I said the last part, he took the opportunity to say he really did enjoy himself with me when we met and that he wanted to introduce me to his favourite restaurant in town.

A lot of you were right; it seems that he simply needed some encouragement that I am interested, since it is the moments where I did get vulnerable and say I really enjoyed our time together that he acted on that and suggested we get together again. The first time I said it, as I’d written of earlier, he floated the idea. The second time I said it, he materialised it and wants to now do dinner with me.

I’d like to thank the posters here who encouraged me to not be so closed with my emotions and to give him more indication that I like him, since it did seem to be this factor which was making him hesitate.

Thank you all and once again, Happy New Year  

 

 

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you all and once again, Happy New Year  

Woohoo       

That's great news OP.

Enjoy!

 

 

[poppyfields]

This is fantastic news BB!  Like I said, a gentle nudge, a "window" is sometimes all that's needed.

I am so proud of you, you tried something new on and look what happened? 

You made my day and be sure to keep us updated!!  

Happy New Year! 

 

[CUP OF TEA]

Good luck! Keep us updated! Happy New Year!

[Gaeta]

That's amazing! You pushed through your comfort zone! Well done.

Did he say it's a date? Did he book a time and place?

[CollinW]

When you don't act entitled and standoffish to men you might get what you want? You don't say. 

[chillii]

Hiya bb, and no you didn't sound entitled at all but l wouldn't have any expectations though. lt's not that there's anything wrong with giving things a little nudge , there isn't at all if a woman's game try it, might help that guy that's keen but having troubles, over the line, might not. Or a guy not really interested but now that he knows it's basically just there, he hangs around for a bit fun or because ok she'll do for now but eh, using her judgement there's really no harm.

This one, he was polite,returned the compliment , talks about his fav restaurant , but there's not much in it. It was a social thing and your both being sociable . But eh , maybe given an Olive branch now he might also see more , never know. Good luck anyway.

Edited December 31, 2021 by chillii

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I recently moved to a new town a few months ago for a new job. I joined a social group which hosts events for members, new and old to get together and make new friendships.

I met a particular guy on the group whom I’ve got to know a little these past few weeks. We had a 1:1 hangout, which I posted a thread about on here last month. As mentioned at the time, this wasn’t meant to be a “date”; it was a social which nobody else could come to so it ended up being just me and him. 

We had a great time at this meet-up which lasted a few hours. There was lots of laughter, chemistry and connection. He also insisted on paying for me a lot of the time at this event. I appreciated this but also insisted on paying for him for some things too to make it balanced. This event was just before the holidays, when everyone else had already gone home for the holidays. At the end, he said it would be nice to do something with me again in the new year and it got us messaging each other over the holidays when we were both back home with our families.

Our messages got more and more flirty but at the same time there seemed to be a good connection growing between us that was getting established. We seem to have a lot in common. I tried to not make it too obvious that I like him; I’m a little shy in this regard and have a fear of rejection.

Now that everyone is back in town, events from this social group have started again. There was a recent night out where we all met up and went to a nightclub. This guy was there and we did manage to catch up at this group event which was nice. However I didn’t quite give off the feeling to him that I “like” him- more friendly like; there were lots of people I was chatting to since we hadn’t all seen each other in a long time.

He, likewise was diverting his attention elsewhere. In fact he was very much enjoying the life of a single guy at this nightclub and eagerly accepting the attention from other girls. He was doing this in front of me, and even joked to me about how one cute girl that approached him wanted his number and he wrote her name down on his phone as to not forget it, should she text him.

Needless to say, this left me feeling disappointed and did ruin the night a little for me. However, the next day, I thought I’d get back in touch with the guy just to provide some clarity for me as to whether he does still have interest in us getting together. I asked him if he was still up for meeting up with me and doing something, to which he responded with a lot of enthusiasm and suggested a few days and times. We planned a day to meet up and go have a meal together at a new restaurant in town, which we are doing later this month when we are both free.

I do like this guy, and I am looking forward to seeing him 1:1 again for the second time, this time it is our first ‘planned’ 1:1 meet. However, I am wondering whether I should.

This guy is a few years younger than I am (late twenties, I’m early thirties) and at these social events, he seems to be *relishing* the life of a single guy. I am worried about investing my emotions into someone who has no intention of building anything with me- or with anyone right now, for that matter- in reality I don’t know if he is in the same place as me at all. I am seeking a relationship. I didn’t join this social group with this agenda specifically, but this guy and I just seem to have so much in common and have such a good time together. I don’t often come across guys with whom I have so much in common with as well as such good chemistry.

But as I saw last night, carrying a torch for someone from the group can ruin the otherwise nice social events for me, which I joined for the main purpose of meeting new people and making friends in the area. I don’t want my enjoyment of these events to get overshadowed by me feeling upset each time we are out and I see this guy pursuing other attractive girls.

Do I proceed going on these 1:1 meet-ups with him, seeing if something builds between us, carrying the risk of getting more emotionally invested into someone who seems to be enjoying the single life?

Or should I just bow out of it, put him in the ‘friends’ box like with other members of the group, and let him keep enjoying being single when he clearly does, and myself keep enjoying the group events without complications? I just don’t want to get hurt. At the same time, I feel me and him have a special connection which I do really want to give a chance to. 

Would really appreciate some advice, thank you  

Edited January 9, 2022 by babybrowns

[Happy Lemming]

For me, I'd much rather have someone to date and enjoy, than a bunch of "possible friends".

If you do date this guy and it doesn't work out, do you have to quit the social (meetup) group??

He may be relationship oriented, once he is in a relationship.  He is out socializing and enjoying the attention (at this point), but it is very possible once he becomes invested in a relationship, he becomes focused on the person he is dating.

Communication is key, if you want to try to date this gentleman... tell him and "let the chips fall where they may".

As for the age difference, don't worry about it... If neither of you consider it a problem, don't sweat it.

[Pumpernickel]

18 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Do I proceed going on these 1:1 meet-ups with him, seeing if something builds between us, carrying the risk of getting more emotionally invested into someone who seems to be enjoying the single life?

Well, you’ve already agreed to meet one on one later this month, so this is already happening - or are you ready to cancel, if people advise you against pursuing this guy? If so, this could be awkward during future meetups with that group, because he’ll probably be there.
 

Also - practically speaking - your mind seems preoccupied with that guy already, so even if you decided to not pursue anything more with him than a friendship and those meetups with other ppl present, you would always be left wondering how it could’ve been, how I’d would’ve gone, how it would’ve turned out if you had pursued more etc etc …… so practically speaking, and seeing how the human mind works, you’d never be satisfied just to pursue a friendship. Because that would go as follows: You’d limit yourself to meetups, you’d go there, you’d spend your meetups over-analyzing his behavior, incl. his interactions with other female participants, and you’d end up not enjoying those events. And you’d start from scratch rethinking your approach. 

[Weezy1973]

There’s always going to be some risk. You don’t have to invest completely in this guy. Why not go out with him but also be open to meeting other guys? 

[princessaurora]

He may just be keeping his options open since you seem lukewarm about him. Telling you about the girl may have just been his way of trying  to shake you up or make you aware other women find him desirable. Some guys will do that in an attempt to get you to jump before they're hypothetically taken. I would stick with the dinner plans and see how it goes. 

Edited January 9, 2022 by princessaurora
spelling

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Or should I just bow out of it, put him in the ‘friends’ box like with other members of the group, and let him keep enjoying being single when he clearly does, and myself keep enjoying the group events without complications?

This is what I would do. 

Your goal is a relationship, he appears to be multi dating. If he wants to pursue an exclusive relationship with you, he will - otherwise, I would not expect anything to come from this and I would keep looking for someone who’s goals align better with yours…

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You don’t have to invest completely in this guy. Why not go out with him but also be open to meeting other guys? 

Absolutely. I’m just not sure bb can do that - and I say that with much respect, there are many people (myself included) who have a hard time doing this. She has a tendency to go all in and then become quite perturbed when the man doesn’t reciprocate. 

[chillii]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Absolutely. I’m just not sure bb can do that - and I say that with much respect, there are many people (myself included) who have a hard time doing this. She has a tendency to go all in and then become quite perturbed when the man doesn’t reciprocate. 

Yeah l agree , not everyone can be that way. But sorry op though, think your wasting your time with this guy and do you really want some guy relishing all the attention and your just being more of the same? He should be focusing on you if he was really into it. He's no where near in a place for anything serious anyway.

[poppyfields]

 

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I asked him if he was still up for meeting up with me and doing something, to which he responded with a lot of enthusiasm and suggested a few days and times. We planned a day to meet up and go have a meal together at a new restaurant in town, which we are doing later this month when we are both free.

BB, your previous thread left off with you reaching out to him and being a little more open and vulnerable and him telling you he would like to take you to one of his favorite restaurants.

Gaeta asked if this was a "date" versus another hang out and you never responded.

So, is this meet up planned for the end of this month what you were referring to in your previous thread?  

The above quote states you are both 'busy' till then..  For the next 2-3 weeks? 

What I am wondering is why YOU are "busy" till then and not available?  Same for him but since you created this thread, I am asking you. 

Are there seriously no evenings for the next 3 weeks whereby you are free to have a date?  

As has been said numerous times, interested people act interested.  

That means being available to meet and have a date and if neither of you are available to do that for weeks on end, question for you BB, how do plan on developing a substantive connection with any man? 

I dunno this sounds off to me.  I am not getting the sense he views you as a potential girlfriend, someone with whom to develop anything beyond friendship or someone to see casually.

Again just the sense I have.  He is relishing his singleness and you are not the woman who inspires him to give that up. 

I'm sorry I wish I could be more positive.  

 

Edited January 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like he is just keeping his options open because in the times you hung out with him, you were "too shy" as you put it, to let him know that you actually like him romantically, and you were acting platonic towards him.  If you like this guy and you want to find out if he likes you back, then you need to stop sending mixed messages.  I don't think there's any basis for your assumptions that he's not looking for a relationship.  Maybe he would be open to a relationship if it was with the right person.  If you want to find out if he may be interested in a relationship with you, then just be clear in your interest and stop playing hard to get.  For many people, that is tiresome and they don't have the patience to read your mind to try and decipher whether you like them or not.