Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I tried a final thing, I told him I’m going hiking later this week with the warm spell we are having and I want to see if he invites himself along. If he doesn’t, I literally don’t have anymore reason to keep holding out for this guy. 

I'm sure I've said enough however I am curious why you wouid expect him to invite himself along.  And if he doesn't, that's it?  From that you conclude he has zero interest and you're done?  

Jmo, but I think this is an unrealistic expectation, especially considering you haven't given him much to go on.  

But I will leave you to it.  You have your expectations and your own style, different from mine and that's OK. 

I hope you find what you're looking for BB, all the best. 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

36 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

This festive time period would have been a good opportunity for us to get to know each other. I tried a final thing, I told him I’m going hiking later this week with the warm spell we are having and I want to see if he invites himself along. If he doesn’t, I literally don’t have anymore reason to keep holding out for this guy. 

That's not even a plan. 

That's wishful thinking.

That's expecting a man to read your mind.

Who invite themselves? It's considered rude to invite yourself, he's not going to invite himself. He's probably telling himself you don't want him on that hike because you did not offer him to join in.

[poppyfields]

One final thought. 

Sometines these very early stages can be confusing and complicated.  In a perfect idealic world, they would NOT be, but this is the real world.

It's not uncommon for signals to get crossed, people mis-read each other's words and intentions, have certain expectations that don't get met, and the whole thing blows up or dies from attrition. 

Yes it would be SO nice if all men could exude confidence and act like Prince Charming.  Looking past a woman's defenses, sweep her up and "go after" her with reckless abandon. 

But this is real life.  Both men and women have anxieties and insecurities.  And sometimes men need a window, a gentle nudge before making a direct move. 

Even the most brash, the most confident men need this in my experience.  And if truth be told, I find that endearing.  

I dislike "wishy washy" but I DO enjoy a bit of mystery in the beginning.    I have learned to embrace uncertainty.  But that's me.

And sure, one might interpret this guy as being wishy washy.   At the same time, one might interpret BB as being somewhat entitled with regard to her expectations. 

However, one thing I DO agree with, this man and BB are not a good match, a good fit. 

He's not right for her and she's not right for him. 

So this is a next.  Move forward.  Be happy. 

 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 12/21/2021 at 2:25 PM, babybrowns said:

I then said, “Haha more what?”

He didn’t reply to this. After waiting a few hours I put a cute ‘huh?’ emoji, still no reply. A few hours further yet, I gave a final “Please tell me what you meant?”

This is when he said ”Haha I was only messing, I just meant I could teach you how to ski as well as skate” And it ended there.

He knows you're trying to date him, however having relationship talks and all these texts seem too much for someone you met once at an event. There were never signs he sent. He's doing his job as the event and group-chat coordinator. Let it go. Think of him as a friend.

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

It’s confusing because even though all the signs were there at the meet-up of his interest in me, there haven’t been many signs since then.

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Wiseman2

[poppyfields]

Wiseman, that quote was from a different thread. 

BB, is this the same guy from your previous "flirtation" thread?

Reading that thread, It does sound like it but thought I'd ask to be sure. 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems he's viewing this as networking, friendship and part of belonging to the club and social events.

Unfortunately you have a crush and seem to view this as dating, but no dates have taken place per se, just a good time at this other outing.

He is not playing you, leading you on or looking for ego boosts. It's his job as the coordinator of the group to reach out and be friendly.

Why not get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee . That way it's more clear that dating is the objective.

^^^This is what I think is really happening here.  If this guy was bold enough to ask to go on the event when no one else was going he isn't too shy to ask a girl out he wants to date.  He's looking to meet new people and have a good time.  

[poppyfields]

On 12/26/2021 at 2:50 PM, babybrowns said:

This thread is about a separate matter to that which I posted a week before (different person as well).

It appears it's a different guy than from her previous flirtation thread.

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

On 12/26/2021 at 2:50 PM, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

First, I hope that everyone had a good Christmas!

This thread is about a separate matter to that which I posted a week before (different person as well).

I am new to a town and have recently made some new friends through a social app. Recently, I organised an event for my new friends from the group, which only one person could come to because the others were out of town for the holidays.

The guy who came is someone I’ve met once before, briefly. It was quite a nice event with just the two of us; we had a very nice time together, there were sparks, chemistry, connection and flirtation. He insisted on paying for me for some things, which was very kind but I insisted on paying for him for other things to make it ‘balanced’. We spent 6 hours together which flew by. 

The flirtation came more from his side rather than mine, because I’m someone who’s traditionally never revealed her feelings much when she likes a guy. Even though I was left with an impression at the end of the event that this man likes me, I feel that he was left with an impression that I only saw him as friends, because of how I keep my cards close to my chest in these matters.

The day after, I told the guy I had a lovely time and that he’s so much fun. I wanted to drop just the slightest hint that I do like him too. He reacted, “I’m glad you had fun Maybe we should do something again ”. I responded, “That would be nice :)”. And that was that. We’ve not really spoken much since, apart from wishing each other a happy Christmas.

I am left feeling a bit confused. Yes it was not a date that me and this guy went on. Nevertheless, we had a very good time together. Does he not feel interested to message me and organise something else with me soon? We both have a few days off work so it would be a good opportunity to hang out again. 

Would love some insights, thanks in advance 

I don't think he's that interested, and that you're projecting your interest on to him.  He may have a GF, or someone else he's interested in.   Doesn't mean he has zero interest in you, but maybe other possibilities are taking priority right now, things are not always clear cut.  I would just do nothing for now, maybe message him back in a few weeks to see if he's more motivated to make something happen.  Finding a good match is a lot about timing, and maybe this just is not a good time.

Edited December 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[NuevoYorko]

Sheesh.  Who knows or cares how interested he is?  Not you and certainly not anyone here.  Your interactions with him have been minimal.  He has maintained contact.   True, he has not demonstrated a passionate obsession with you.  That seems ok, right?   If he were mad about you I'd think that was a red flag. 

I'm a man and I can't agree with all these folks here who insist that whenever we're interested in a woman we will not fail to let her know.  Some of us are shy, some of us are capable of a slow burn, some of us fall for a person after we get to know them.   I can swear to it.

From my perspective,  a NYE date would be a bad choice with a person I just met even if I were interested.  it is quite "coupley."  

Please stop trying to figure out what a person you don't even really know is thinking & feeling when you have limited information.  It's probably NOT a wise idea to gather dozens of opinions from many anonymous folks who have even more limited information than you do.  Most of us here on the dating section are not in a great place to be giving solid advice on the subject even if we believe that we are supreme experts.  

You don't need to invest yourself, protect yourself, or be borderline manipulative when you feel interested in a man, especially when you believe the interest is reciprocated.  Things like floating the hike idea are self sabotaging and shady.  Many people would NEVER invite themselves along; I wouldn't.  I would figure that if you wanted me hiking with you, you would have asked.  But you are using this weak  move as your final effort?  You can do better!

Next time just ask the guy to go hiking or whatever and trust yourself a bit. THAT would be a valid "final effort."   If he turns you down sure it will burn some but it also will dissipate quickly because the two of you had no time together to forge anything.    You felt certain that there was fun and chemistry between you so go ahead and follow that intuition, take the risk.  If it doesn't turn out as you'd have liked, do NOT go to the "I am always let down, no one likes me" place.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward.  

Good luck & happy new year!

Edited December 28, 2021 by NuevoYorko

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm a man and I can't agree with all these folks here who insist that whenever we're interested in a woman we will not fail to let her know. 

I agree with your post @NuevoYorko but re the above quote, it's been the opposite.  Most of us were trying to talk her down from feeling like this man should be chasing her or going after her and to lower her high expectations.   

It's really too early to know anything, they have not even been on one date, it was a meet up event.  

Best to chill, go to the next event and see how it plays out.

Relax, enjoy, have fun, keep all options open including with him.

JMO.

 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

I really like @NuevoYorkotake.

To give you some perspective, there was a man I met who asked something similar, but he phrased it "can we go on a date?" and I responded similarly to you. I didn't do anything after that and I heard back from him a week or so later. He wanted me to call him. 

I feel that this is worth mentioning because I hope not to have you wrack your brain trying to decode tea leaves with someone you "may or may not have" been on a first date with that you "may or may not have" been asked out on date with.

Of course, sometimes that's part of the fun too...

Regardless, I wish you the best.

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

It appears it's a different guy than from her previous flirtation thread.

Thank you for this Poppy.  I wish she had started a new thread about this new guy so we wouldn't get confused..

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Thank you for this Poppy.  I wish she had started a new thread about this new guy so we wouldn't get confused..

Unless I read your post incorrectly @stillafool, this is a new thread.  The quote Wiseman posted (below) was from her previous thread about a different guy.  I am not quite sure why he posted that quote on this thread, other than he must have assumed it was the same guy, but it's not.  Different guy.

-----------

@babybrownsposted:

I then said, “Haha more what?”

He didn’t reply to this. After waiting a few hours I put a cute ‘huh?’ emoji, still no reply. A few hours further yet, I gave a final “Please tell me what you meant?”

This is when he said ”Haha I was only messing, I just meant I could teach you how to ski as well as skate” And it ended there.

 

 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Unless I read your post incorrectly @stillafool, this is a new thread.  The quote Wiseman posted (below) was from her previous thread about a different guy.  I am not quite sure why he posted that quote on this thread, other than he must have assumed it was the same guy, but it's not.  Different guy.

-----------

@babybrownsposted:

I then said, “Haha more what?”

He didn’t reply to this. After waiting a few hours I put a cute ‘huh?’ emoji, still no reply. A few hours further yet, I gave a final “Please tell me what you meant?”

This is when he said ”Haha I was only messing, I just meant I could teach you how to ski as well as skate” And it ended there.

 

 

OMG Poppy, I'm really confused now.  JiltedJane has 2 threads going too that are confusing me.  I'm going to take a break now.

Edited December 28, 2021 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

Just now, stillafool said:

OMG , I'm really confused now.

I am as well. sounded like the same guy, same group event same everything. I missed the part about "different guy".

OP, Are these two men both from the event group and group chat? What happened to the first man?

[Johnjohnson2017]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It’s confusing because even though all the signs were there at the meet-up of his interest in me, there haven’t been many signs since then.

I’m the one initiating most of the contact (both before and after the meet-up). Not only am I doing most of the initiating, but he takes his time to respond to my messages and doesn’t try to continue the conversation. He also leaves messages unread despite being online.

If I invite him out again it’ll look like I’m chasing him- an impression I absolutely want to avoid!

IMO the above tells me pretty strongly that he is low interest. I would next anyone who "I doing most of the initiating, but he takes his time to respond to my messages and doesn’t try to continue the conversation. He also leaves messages unread despite being online". IMO, you've done your part by initiating numerous times. If I, as a man, notice a woman initiating many times, that tells me she has some interest in me. A person who has no interest never initiates (That person doesn't want to send the wrong signal).

Forget about him as a romantic interest for now. Go to your meetup meetings and interact normally with everyone there. There are other fish in the sea. If he starts initiating more, and starts responding faster, continues the conversations and asks you out, then give it a chance. 

[poppyfields]

Deleted, doesn't matter at this point....

 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[CUP OF TEA]

I don't have the patience for lukewarm guys who I have to analyze if they are interested or not. When he asked you your plans for NYE and then proceeded to tell you he was spending it with his brother seems kind of passive/aggressive. I would "next" him.

[jspice]

2 hours ago, CUP OF TEA said:

I don't have the patience for lukewarm guys who I have to analyze if they are interested or not. When he asked you your plans for NYE and then proceeded to tell you he was spending it with his brother seems kind of passive/aggressive. I would "next" him.

Same. 
I have a pretty strong personality so this hoing and humming would turn me off. 
 

Some might see it as mystery. I see it as “no thanks” 

[poppyfields]

42 minutes ago, jspice said:

Same. 
I have a pretty strong personality so this hoing and humming would turn me off. 

@jspice, you have an entirely differently personality from BB, as you said, stronger, dare I said more confident?  I mean that as a compliment by the way.

You also said in a previous post you are quite capable of initiating and planning dates yourself.

As such your interaction and dynamic with this man might be entirely different as well.  In fact he might welcome a woman like you with a stronger personality.  None of this hoe humming or dawdling around.

This is assuming you felt an attraction to him too, which we will never know, but I do believe the dynamic (romantic and otherwise) between two people are unique to them, depending on how their respective personalities mesh.

This is a massive fail because BB had certain expectations he did not meet, and no doubt he had his own expectations that she did not meet.  Their personalities don't jive.  They're incompatible.  Your personality or mine or another woman's might have.  I'm speculating but it's possible.

That's really all this is imo.  

But for BB, it's a big fat NEXT.

 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@jspice, you have an entirely differently personality from BB, as you said, stronger, dare I said more confident?  I mean that as a compliment by the way.

You also said in a previous post you are quite capable of initiating and planning dates yourself.

As such your interaction and dynamic with this man might be entirely different as well.  In fact he might welcome a woman like you with a stronger personality.  None of this hoe humming or dawdling around.

This is assuming you felt an attraction to him too, which we will never know, but I do believe the dynamics between two people are unique to them, depending on how their respective personalities mesh.

This is a massive fail because BB had certain expectations he did not meet, and no doubt he had his own expectations that she did not meet.  Their personalities don't jive.  They're incompatible.  Your personality or mine or another woman's might have.  I'm speculating but it's possible.

That's really all this is imo.  

But for BB, it's a big fat NEXT.

 

 

Hi Poppyfields,

I might not be an alpha female, but I am a quietly confident person. There is another reason why I appear not too keen on initiating dates: I have done just the opposite with some people in the past. This ended up being a massive waste of my time and energy, since these people ended up not being that into me at all.

Ofcourse all of us have different experiences. But personally, all my experiences over the years have shown me the most important dating motto for us ladies: when a man is interested, he makes his interest clear.

Last year, I was messed around significantly for months by a guy who was insistent on keeping me around every time I was about to walk away even though he was putting very little effort in. When I finally told him how I felt about him romantically, he gave me the “sorry but I only see us as friends” response. Has that made me hesitant to be too forward with guys- yes.

But also it has put the bar higher for me on what I will or will not put up with. And that’s a very valuable lesson I wish I had learnt earlier in my life.

With this guy whom this thread is about, he has presented two very different sides to him.

One being that which I saw in person, during our hangout: keen, enthusiastic, engaged, interested.
The other side being that which I am seeing via message ever since: indifferent, lukewarm, disengaged.

The latter has shown me that he was very much in this for the moment rather than for anything beyond a fun meet-up with a chick he likes to flirt with. I thus am not wasting my time on this man anymore.

I thank you all greatly for your responses; you have helped me a lot in thinking about both perspectives. No matter how interested this man might have been on the day of the meet-up, it didn’t escalate to a point of him initiating contact with me outside the meet-up, or engaging much at all when I have. So before I get led on further, I’m absolutely out.

I wish everyone a very Happy New Year!!

Edited December 28, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

BB the bottom line is this man is not right for you, nor you him.   That is all I meant by my post which was pure speculation and only posted to make the point that we all have different personalities and as such will form a different dynamic with every person we date. 

I know for me, the dynamic I develop with each man I date is different based on our respective personalities.  And the dynamic HE develops will also be different with every woman HE dates.

It was not meant to be a hit against you whatsoever.  We all do what works for us.  This didn't work for you and therefore it's a next.

Hopefully, the next man you meet WILL work and be a better fit.

And Happy New Year to you too!! 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

The latter has shown me that he was very much in this for the moment rather than for anything beyond a fun meet-up with a chick he likes to flirt with. I thus am not wasting my time on this man anymore.

And what I am saying here (or trying to) is that with YOU he was "for the moment" rather than anything beyond a fun meet up but with another woman who was a better fit, he might have acted completely differently.

That is always my attitude anyway when something doesn't work out or I get disappointed. We weren't a good fit.  There IS a better fit out there for both of us.

Hope that makes sense.   

 

Edited December 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Quote

Last year, I was messed around significantly for months by a guy who was insistent on keeping me around every time I was about to walk away even though he was putting very little effort in.

See this is your clue that if a guy isn't putting in any effort to be with you he is not the one keeping you around.  You are the one keeping yourself around hoping he will put in more effort.  

Quote

When I finally told him how I felt about him romantically, he gave me the “sorry but I only see us as friends” response. Has that made me hesitant to be too forward with guys- yes.

If you had been more forth coming with your feelings for him earlier you would have found this out sooner and not wasted so much time on this guy.

 

[jspice]

49 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Hi Poppyfields,

I might not be an alpha female, but I am a quietly confident person. There is another reason why I appear not too keen on initiating dates: I have done just the opposite with some people in the past. This ended up being a massive waste of my time and energy, since these people ended up not being that into me at all.

Ofcourse all of us have different experiences. But personally, all my experiences over the years have shown me the most important dating motto for us ladies: when a man is interested, he makes his interest clear.

Last year, I was messed around significantly for months by a guy who was insistent on keeping me around every time I was about to walk away even though he was putting very little effort in. When I finally told him how I felt about him romantically, he gave me the “sorry but I only see us as friends” response. Has that made me hesitant to be too forward with guys- yes.

But also it has put the bar higher for me on what I will or will not put up with. And that’s a very valuable lesson I wish I had learnt earlier in my life.

With this guy whom this thread is about, he has presented two very different sides to him.

One being that which I saw in person, during our hangout: keen, enthusiastic, engaged, interested.
The other side being that which I am seeing via message ever since: indifferent, lukewarm, disengaged.

The latter has shown me that he was very much in this for the moment rather than for anything beyond a fun meet-up with a chick he likes to flirt with. I thus am not wasting my time on this man anymore.

I thank you all greatly for your responses; you have helped me a lot in thinking about both perspectives. No matter how interested this man might have been on the day of the meet-up, it didn’t escalate to a point of him initiating contact with me outside the meet-up, or engaging much at all when I have. So before I get led on further, I’m absolutely out.

I wish everyone a very Happy New Year!!

All of this. I totally agree.