Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with this.  Fot me, I can do the "long game" in fact I've become quite adept at it, if I know I will be seeing him again in a social setting.  

It creates a bit of mystery, and if a man is right for me, vice versa.  Eventually we get together, it's natural, not forced.

BUT @babybrownsI think this has been mentioned on your threads previously, you must be able to tolerate a bit of uncertainty..  

If you can't handle even the slightest bit of uncertainty, the long game will NOT work for you. 

In fact, dating in general will be difficult.  You will end up pushing and forcing something and not allowing the mutual attraction to develop and grow naturally and organically. 

What you said was perfectly fine..  Trust me this man is not asking you out because you didn't show enough enthusiasm or leading (initiating a date).  

Give it time.  When you see him again at the next social event from the app, flirt a bit this time.  Catch each other's eyes.  Show a bit more enthusiasm and be approachable.  

That's the beauty of having a social circle imo.  Everything is natural, nothing formal or forced. 

Have fun with it!!  

You’re right that I’m not one for playing the long game; I guess it’s because I’m so accustomed to using dating sites where everyone is on the same page and looking for romance of some sort.

In this particular scenario, it can’t develop naturally once we all go back to the group events. Other ladies in the group have a fondness for this guy and they tend to shower him with attention during socials. Being the shy type, I don’t go up and compete with them; rather I spend the socials making friends with other people and having fun. So if something doesn’t develop now, I doubt it will.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I would happily invite him out again this week, but the fact is that since it was me who invited him to this one, I want him to invite me to something next time. I have also been the one initiating all the contact..

Ok. Then just step back and see if he actually specifically asks for a one-on-one date, not just only two people going to an event where others cancelled. Stop initiating texting and dates. 

[Eternal Sunshine]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

You’re right that I’m not one for playing the long game; I guess it’s because I’m so accustomed to using dating sites where everyone is on the same page and looking for romance of some sort.

In this particular scenario, it can’t develop naturally once we all go back to the group events. Other ladies in the group have a fondness for this guy and they tend to shower him with attention during socials. Being the shy type, I don’t go up and compete with them; rather I spend the socials making friends with other people and having fun. So if something doesn’t develop now, I doubt it will.

This all doesn't matter. If he is attracted to you, he will find you regardless of other ladies being there.

[babybrowns]

Hey all, 

So a disappointing turn of events, but atleast one that gives me more clarity on where I stand.

The guy texted me asking whether I have any plans yet for NYE. 

Naturally, part of me got excited that ‘this’ is going to be where he asks me out to go do something together again.
It turns out that he was only looking for recommendations in town to go do something with his brother, if I happened to know of anything. 

Although disappointed, I can put a closure on any thoughts I had that he wanted us to meet up again soon. 

Do I feel a little foolish? Not really, because our meet-up was great and we both enjoyed ourselves a lot. But do I feel a little played? Yes, because of his “we should do something again” comment. A man should know not to say something like that to a girl unless he means it.

But am I also confused? I am. This meet-up, had all the elements of a ‘really’ great date. Lots of laughter, chemistry, genuine mutual interest in each other, talking about our ambitions and dreams, him looking at me with a clear enthusiasm in his eyes whenever we spoke and prolonging eye contact until I looked away. Not one dull moment from start to finish in all 6 hours.

And being in my early 30s, having my fair share of dating experience I can say that for a fact; we both had a lot of fun and chemistry here! Even if he ends up being a player, I honestly don’t know how one individual can have that much in common with another person and not feel something.

For those that were a little critical of me not revealing too much of my interest to him and keeping my cards close to my chest- this is why I play it like that. I don’t want a guy to see I might like them, incase it’s not actually mutual and I end up looking like an idiot. If anything, I’m just glad I kept my dignity to the end of this little episode and didn’t embarrass myself.

He clearly doesn’t feel the same excitement about this that I do, that we should arrange to get together again soon, which is why I’m now closing the door on this episode. I’m at the stage of my life where if a man doesn’t match my level of interest, that’s it- I close the door. 

Thank you all for your help and replies  

Edited December 28, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

The guy texted me asking whether I have any plans yet for NYE. 

It turns out that he was only looking for recommendations in town to go do something with his brother, if I happened to know of anything

I'm confused.  How does him asking if you have plans for NYE translate to him looking for recommendations in town to do something with his brother?

How did you respond to his question?   Yes you DO have plans, or NO you don't have plans?  Or something else?   

I admit I may be a little slow today as I am recovering from Covid  but something isn't jiving, more context is needed BB.

To me it sounds like he was "feeling you out," as he is not sure if YOU are interested.  Especially since you admitted you gave him the friendship vibe during your get together.

Just my initial take with the little info you provided. 

If you provide more context, I may change my opinion.

 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm confused.  How does him asking if you have plans for NYE translate to him looking for recommendations in town to do something with his brother?

How did you respond to his question?   Yes you DO have plans, or NO you don't have plans?  Or something else?   

I admit I may be a little slow today as I am recovering from Covid  but something isn't jiving, more context is needed BB.

To me it sounds like he was "feeling you out," as he is not sure if YOU are interested.  Especially since you admitted you gave him the friendship vibe during your get together.

Just my initial take with the little info you provided. 

If you provide more context, I may change my opinion.

 

 

Hi Poppyfields, first, get well soon and thanks for still offering your help in your poorly state!

When he asked me if I have NYE plans, I replied “nothing solid, what about you?”
This was when he told me that he is looking to do something with his brother and looking for recommendations. Heart sinking moment when I was hoping he was asking for another reason

Edited December 28, 2021 by babybrowns

[basil67]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

For those that were a little critical of me not revealing too much of my interest to him and keeping my cards close to my chest- this is why I play it like that. I don’t want a guy to see I might like them, incase it’s not actually mutual and I end up looking like an idiot. If anything, I’m just glad I kept my dignity to the end of this little episode and didn’t embarrass myself.

Conversely, had he seen some interest coming from you, he may have continued wanting to date you.   I know that I wouldn't give a second date to someone who was hard to read and who's interest in me wasn't clear.  

There is nothing to be embarrassed about if we show interest and it's not reciprocated.  Heck, he did it with you and you don't look at him thinking that he should be embarrassed of himself.

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Hi Poppyfields, first, get well soon and thanks for still offering your help in your poorly state!

When he asked me if I have NYE plans, I replied “nothing solid, what about you?”
This was when he told me that he is looking to do something with his brother and looking for recommendations. Heart sinking moment when I was hoping he was asking for another reason

BB, call me crazy, but it still doesn't make sense that he would ask you what your plans were when all he wanted were recommendations of where to take his brother.

Why not just say "hey my brother's in town for NYE, you know of any good places I could take him"?

Why would he care what you were doing?  One thing has nothing to do with the other.

In any event, it doesn't matter whatever his intentions were.

You got a bad vibe, this is a next. 

Move forward and hopefully the next guy will be more direct with his intentions.

And thank you for the well wishes, I am actually much much better, on the mend.

Happy New Year!

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

.But do I feel a little played? Yes, because of his “we should do something again” comment.

It wasn’t a date. You fully acknowledged that, so what he was saying was let’s hang out but not date again. Nobody played anybody. Unless you were reading into something that wasn’t there.

 

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

And being in my early 30s, having my fair share of dating experience I can say that for a fact; we both had a lot of fun and chemistry here! 

Unless you’re in your early 30s, with your fair share of dating experience, and also psychic, there’s no way you can know if he was having fun and felt chemistry.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hey all, 

So a disappointing turn of events, but atleast one that gives me more clarity on where I stand.

The guy texted me asking whether I have any plans yet for NYE. 

Naturally, part of me got excited that ‘this’ is going to be where he asks me out to go do something together again.
It turns out that he was only looking for recommendations in town to go do something with his brother, if I happened to know of anything. 

Although disappointed, I can put a closure on any thoughts I had that he wanted us to meet up again soon. 

Do I feel a little foolish? Not really, because our meet-up was great and we both enjoyed ourselves a lot. But do I feel a little played? Yes, because of his “we should do something again” comment. A man should know not to say something like that to a girl unless he means it.

But am I also confused? I am. This meet-up, had all the elements of a ‘really’ great date. Lots of laughter, chemistry, genuine mutual interest in each other, talking about our ambitions and dreams, him looking at me with a clear enthusiasm in his eyes whenever we spoke and prolonging eye contact until I looked away. Not one dull moment from start to finish in all 6 hours.

And being in my early 30s, having my fair share of dating experience I can say that for a fact; we both had a lot of fun and chemistry here! Even if he ends up being a player, I honestly don’t know how one individual can have that much in common with another person and not feel something.

For those that were a little critical of me not revealing too much of my interest to him and keeping my cards close to my chest- this is why I play it like that. I don’t want a guy to see I might like them, incase it’s not actually mutual and I end up looking like an idiot. If anything, I’m just glad I kept my dignity to the end of this little episode and didn’t embarrass myself.

He clearly doesn’t feel the same excitement about this that I do, that we should arrange to get together again soon, which is why I’m now closing the door on this episode. I’m at the stage of my life where if a man doesn’t match my level of interest, that’s it- I close the door. 

Thank you all for your help and replies  

 

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

. But do I feel a little played? Yes, because of his “we should do something again” comment. A man should know not to say something like that to a girl unless he means it.

Sorry this happened. However his comment was similar to "let's do lunch". Just a polite closing. Text less. Try to get out of the over texting habit.

He didn't deceive you or lead you on. You has a crush and it's disappointing.

He's friendly because of the group and it's purpose of making friends.

[elaine567]

He maybe had an intention to ask you out, but backed out due to nerves...
OR
He may just see you as a friend from the group and an "organiser", so who would he ask for ideas? You, of course.

If he is seeing his brother over New Year, then he is not free to date you, is he? He could hardly disappoint his brother.

Keep being friendly, he may be a slow burner. 

[poppyfields]

Another possibility is he asked what your plans were hoping you might suggest you and your friends (assuming you did not have a date and were going out with friends) might meet up with him and his brother somewhere to party and greet in the new year.

Very casual as he doesn't have any idea you'd actually like to date him.

But who the hell knows, you are both being guarded and cautious with each other as neither of you know how the other feels and not willing to go out on a limb and declare romantic interest.

Just my take as again, him asking what your plans were (on NYE no less) was odd IF all he wanted were recommendations.

He had to have known what the implication was unless the man is totally clueless which is doubtful..

 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

This is a low-investment method of wanting to spend time with you rather than asking you out on a date.

It implies he is at least slightly attracted to you.

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Another possibility is he asked what your plans were hoping you might suggest you and your friends (assuming you did not have a date and were going out with friends) might meet up with him and his brother somewhere to party and greet in the new year.

Very casual as he doesn't have any idea you'd actually like to date him.

But who the hell knows, you are both being guarded and cautious with each other as neither of you know how the other feels and not willing to go out on a limb and declare romantic interest.

Just my take as again, him asking what your plans were (on NYE no less) was odd IF all he wanted were recommendations.

He had to have known what the implication was unless the man is totally clueless which is doubtful..

 

 

It’s a nice thought, but if he did want to see me on NYE, with or without his brother, I think he would have suggested it. When he asked me what my plans were I didn’t give him a discouraging response, but yet he gave me quite a big one.

If he does have an inkling that I like him, which I think he might do from my “that would be nice  “ comment, he should have been a little more sensitive in asking what I’m doing for NYE. I’m starting to get the impression he was just looking for an ego boost by giving me signals like this and seeing how I respond.

It has changed my opinion on him a bit!

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

unless the man is totally clueless

He could quite easily be...

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

. I’m starting to get the impression he was just looking for an ego boost by giving me signals like this.

It seems he's viewing this as networking, friendship and part of belonging to the club and social events.

Unfortunately you have a crush and seem to view this as dating, but no dates have taken place per se, just a good time at this other outing.

He is not playing you, leading you on or looking for ego boosts. It's his job as the coordinator of the group to reach out and be friendly.

Why not get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee . That way it's more clear that dating is the objective.

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, stillafool said:

You really didn't invite him after everyone else couldn't make it, he pretty much invited himself.  Where exactly have you been initiating contact with him other than the grroup invitation?

 

 

21 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I did; I floated the idea with him, he said he’s up for it, I then posted it into the group chat, others couldn’t make it. So I now want to give him the opportunity to initiate something. He kind of did, by suggesting we meet again, but whether he means it will be proven soon I guess!

Floating and hinting at an idea is not initiating nor an invite especially when it's meant for a group.  This wasn't a date but a meet up for an event.  Not the same thing.  I know you want a guy to chase you but it isn't happening and if you want to date you're going to have to be very obvious you're interested in them.

[Gaeta]

I see nothing wrong with his request. He used that opportunity to text you / talk to you. He could have asked anyone else around or google the information. 

I would not spend NYE with a man I had 1 meeting with. He's spending it with his brother and it's normal he does not tag you along, you're a stranger. He's a man spending NYE with his brother, that's a good thing, a positive thing! 

Remember your meeting was NOT a date. 

[poppyfields]

I'm curious how the rest of the interaction played out.   Did you recommend some fun places? 

Not sure how you could, you're new in town right?  And he knew that.

Surely there were others he could have asked more familiar with the area IF that's why he called you, which I don't think it was. 

He used as an excuse to talk to you to get more of a "feel" for you. 

Not all guys are gonna chase you BB, or act exactly how you expect.  This isn't a Disney movie, it's real life and sometimes men need a gentle nudge, a window.  Especially when you act so closed and guarded which you admitted. 

Ideally, sure he could be this super confident guy who will chase you even when receiving no clear signals from you but that's not how life works, again this is not a Disney movie.

Telling him you had fun at the event followed by "that would be nice" when he suggested doing it again sounds so meh.  It's polite. It certainly does not indicate romantic interest and if that's the best you can do to express romantic interest, I'd work on how to improve that.

Try something new on.  Let the guard down.  Lower your Disney movie expectations.  Try not being so sensitive. Learn to have fun with it!  Be playful and open!  

This happens with every single guy on every single thread BB and it's getting you absolutely  nowhere.  

I'm sorry.

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Remember your meeting was NOT a date. 

Bears repeating.  

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

If he does have an inkling that I like him, which I think he might do from my “that would be nice  “ comment, he should have been a little more sensitive in asking what I’m doing for NYE. I’m starting to get the impression he was just looking for an ego boost by giving me signals like this and seeing how I respond.

Eek!

His "maybe we should do something fun sometime" is at best code for "I'm slightly curious and maybe a little interested in you."

Do you think coming in all demanding will tilt things in your favor?

[babybrowns]

44 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm curious how the rest of the interaction played out.   Did you recommend some fun places? 

Not sure how you could, you're new in town right?  And he knew that.

Surely there were others he could have asked more familiar with the area IF that's why he called you, which I don't think it was. 

He used as an excuse to talk to you to get more of a "feel" for you. 

Not all guys are gonna chase you BB, or act exactly how you expect.  This isn't a Disney movie, it's real life and sometimes men need a gentle nudge, a window.  Especially when you act so closed and guarded which you admitted. 

Ideally, sure he could be this super confident guy who will chase you even when receiving no clear signals from you but that's not how life works, again this is not a Disney movie.

Telling him you had fun at the event followed by "that would be nice" when he suggested doing it again sounds so meh.  It's polite. It certainly does not indicate romantic interest and if that's the best you can do to express romantic interest, I'd work on how to improve that.

Try something new on.  Let the guard down.  Lower your Disney movie expectations.  Try not being so sensitive. Learn to have fun with it!  Be playful and open!  

This happens with every single guy on every single thread BB and it's getting you absolutely  nowhere.  

I'm sorry.

 

It’s confusing because even though all the signs were there at the meet-up of his interest in me, there haven’t been many signs since then.

I’m the one initiating most of the contact (both before and after the meet-up). Not only am I doing most of the initiating, but he takes his time to respond to my messages and doesn’t try to continue the conversation. He also leaves messages unread despite being online.

If I invite him out again it’ll look like I’m chasing him- an impression I absolutely want to avoid!

Edited December 28, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It’s confusing because even though all the signs were there at the meet-up, there haven’t been many signs since then. I’m the one initiating most of the contact (both before and after the meet-up). Not only am I doing most of the initiating, but he takes his time to respond to my messages and doesn’t try to continue the conversation. If I invite him out again it’ll look like I’m chasing him- an impression I absolutely want to avoid!

Emboldened - I wasn't suggesting you invite him out again.  Or 'chase' him.  

But heck give the man a window!  A gentle nudge to show you're interested in more than 'friendship.'

As I said, telling him "that would be nice" is so neutral, hardly an indication of interest.  A woman with NO interest might have said the same thing to be polite. 

My suggestion?  Be playful and open.  Show some enthusiasm, flirt a bit..

Again, how did the rest of the interaction play out?  I am envisioning you feeling butt hurt when he asked for recommendations (instead of asking you out) and you shut the convo down. 

Versus, reading between the lines, recognizing it was an excuse to talk to you and having fun with it!!  

I hope I'm wrong about that. 

Anyway, I don't think this is over.  You will no doubt see him at the next event; if me, I'd make subtle eye contact, a soft smile.  Give him a window to approach, be open and playful and see how it plays out.

Good luck BB.

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[jspice]

Even if this guy IS interested in dating you, do you want someone who’s wishy-washy?  Who calls you to HINT at going out? Maybe some women want this kind of guy but you don’t sound like you do. 
I certainly don’t. 
 

I’m perfectly capable of planning dates but I’m not waiting around for someone to hint he wants to go out. I’m not here to decipher codes about his brother and what he’s doing vs what I’m doing on NYE. it’s not as complicated as some are trying to make it  

At best this guy doesn’t know how to go after what he wants. At worst, he’s not interested in you. Either way,  you’re on different pages. 

[babybrowns]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Emboldened- I wasn't suggesting you invite him out again.

But heck give the man a window!  A gentle nudge to show you're interested in more than 'friendship.'

As I said, telling him "that would be nice" is so neutral, hardly an indication of interest.  A woman with NO interest might have said the same thing to be polite. 

My suggestion?  Be playful and open.  Show some enthusiasm, flirt a bit..

Again, how did the rest of the interaction play out?  I am envisioning you feeling butt hurt when he asked for recommendations (instead of asking you out) and you shut the convo down. 

Versus, reading between the lines, recognizing it was an excuse to talk to you and having fun with it!!  

I hope I'm wrong about that. 

Anyway, I don't think this is over.  You will no doubt see him at the next event; if me, I'd make subtle eye contact, give him a window to approach, be open and playful and see how it plays out.

Good luck BB.

 

Hi Poppyfields, the convo about him asking me for recommendations continued by me giving him a good recommendation and wishing him and his bro a good night for NYE. He wished me the same back. 

I really can’t envision giving him hints at group meet-ups; this is partly because there’s another girl in the group who is literally all over him at these meet-ups. At the last group event, she saw him flirting a bit with me and came and intercepted that, taking him away from the area. She’s an alpha female and not someone I want to overpower at these group meet-ups; rather I want to enjoy them by making friends with the others, the whole reason I joined the group. She’s back home for the holidays like most of the group.

This festive time period would have been a good opportunity for us to get to know each other. I tried a final thing, I told him I’m going hiking later this week with the warm spell we are having and I want to see if he invites himself along. If he doesn’t, I literally don’t have anymore reason to keep holding out for this guy. 

Edited December 28, 2021 by babybrowns