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Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

babybrowns

By babybrowns
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NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

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BB:  I just took a look back at your first post of this thread.  Here's a quote:

Quote

 

I am left feeling a bit confused. Yes it was not a date that me and this guy went on. Nevertheless, we had a very good time together. Does he not feel interested to message me and organise something else with me soon?


 

There is only ONE actually appropriate response to this question of yours, and here it is:  If he is interested enough to message and set something up soon, that is exactly what he will do.  

Well, he didn't.  

The rest of this whole drama is manufactured from within your imagination.  Unfortunately,  you've played it out in several scenarios, which have led you to a very awkward position.

It's probably a good idea if you move on from this group and start fresh with new people.  This is not going to go anywhere good for you.    Even though you never have had any type of relationship with the guy INCLUDING FRIENDSHIP,   you're unwilling or unable to let go of this obsession.  So, "no contact."  

Hopefully, at some point you will be interested in taking an honest look at why you create this type of situation for yourself.  There is no winning possible and you set yourself up to feel hurt.

 

 

Edited by NuevoYorko
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Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted

Good LORD woman - stop texting the poor guy.  This has all gotten WAY out of hand - he doesn't want to be friends, he doesn't want to clear the air anymore.  He probably said that to be polite when you canceled on him yet again.  Are you trying to play hard to get?  Because it's coming across as incredibly unstable.  

You're treading on "stage-five clinger" ground and if you want to save ANY face, stop contacting him, watching him at your events, etc. OR find a new group (easiest)!  You don't want to be the psycho sally he tells his buddies about.

 

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Posted
20 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's probably a good idea if you move on from this group and start fresh with new people. 

Especially if you are flirting with/go on a date with other men who attend the group. This is not going to end well for you… It will only get more awkward for you. 

balletomane Established Member

balletomane

Posted
Posted (edited)

I've just seen that five days before you made this thread you posted another one asking for help interpreting a man's behaviour. Is this the same guy? If it is, it seems like you've been pushing him to declare feelings for you all along. If it isn't, doesn't that show how very quickly you get attached to strangers? I'm concerned that all the advice in this thread may be overwhelming to you, but BB, how you're behaving now isn't sustainable. Something needs to change.

Edit: I've just seen from your OP that it's a different person. But it's exactly the same scenario - you meet a man once, you develop a crush, it turns out it isn't reciprocated, and then you start mourning the loss of a "friendship". Do you have many close friends, people you've known for years and go way back with? I ask because it seems you're ready to see someone as your new best friend on the basis of a couple of hours chatting, if that, and this suggests a problem that goes beyond dating and affects your relationships more broadly.

Edited by balletomane
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Posted (edited)

never mind

Edited by basil67
glows Established Member

glows

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Posted
13 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It would be nice if he did consent to meeting up 1:1 to clear the air. As mentioned we were going to do this before the event, but I cancelled it since I didn’t want to get upset before it. He seemed to be ok with rescheduling. Yet now he won’t even open my message about the rescheduling 😒

That's ok. It frees you up to see/chat with other men and enjoy the company of your Meetup group. It was a success and the other people there had fun, did they not? Don't worry about this man. He's not the be all or end all. He doesn't have to answer your texts either and you don't have to spend a second more wondering what he thinks. Go and have fun with those who want to have fun with you.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Posted

Unfortunately it all when sideways with "seems to have a soft spot for me". That was your projection of a crush and desire for a relationship. He was simply in the Meetup to make friends, socialize which is it's intended purpose.

Enjoy the Meetup group events and keep joining in and participating.

However, for dating opportunities it would be better to also join some groups and events specifically for singles as well as getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
13 hours ago, glows said:

Go and have fun with those who want to have fun with you.

I agree.  Flirt back with the other guys at these events who you said were showing interest.  It's time to forget about this guy.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Flirt back with the other guys at these events who you said were showing interest.  It's time to forget about this guy.

I disagree. Meetup groups  are to make everyone comfortable. That means flirting and coming onto men there is awkward for the guy and for the group.

That's how this problem started. Dating apps and events/groups specifically for singles is more appropriate.

Men and other women want to attend these events to feel free to have enjoyable socializing, not to get hit on or witness uncomfortable attempts at flirting.

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

There were guys flirting with her already. There is no hard and fast rule for these occasions and flirting does not mean dating or with intention to date. I believe Stillafool was referring to her previous post by saying “flirt back” in response to what was already happening. 

I agree with her. Loosen up and enjoy your events more, OP. 

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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It isn't entirely the OP's doing.

It seems this went sideways when he offered to pay for their one-on-one meetup she organized and he suggested they do a one-on-one again some time in the future.

Maybe that is what confused OP.

It's quite a low-investment method of arranging a meet and for all we know it could have just been a suggestion to meet up as two meetup acquaintances or he was just saying that to be nice.

He didn't pursue her further after that (e.g., calling her, asking about meeting up again, etc.).

Maybe OP was looking at this as an opportunity to break away from her comfort zone given her proclivity not to do so in the past.

I think he enjoyed and welcomed the attention initially but it never extended beyond that.

 

Edited by Alpaca
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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Posted

Hello all,

Thank you greatly for your responses. I can definitely say that I have learnt from this situation, and will carry the lessons forward! I no longer feel that this person is for me. I do miss the friendship we had though, short as it was, and would love it if one day it could come back. We shall see…

As a final thing I would like to address anyone who has hinted here that I was deluded that this guy reciprocated my crush. He said he did. He said he was “looking forward to taking me out to dinner”, to “seeing where things would lead”, that he “wishes our text argument hadn’t ruined it”, etc. Words from him, not my crush-based wishful thinking! ;) 

Currently I’m still yet to hear back from him in response to my suggestion to meet and clear the air, which we were going to do before the event till I cancelled it. But in the mean time, yes I am getting on with meeting other people at these lovely events and settling slowly into this new town that I moved to.

 

dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

As a final thing I would like to address anyone who has hinted here that I was deluded that this guy reciprocated my crush. He said he did. He said he was “looking forward to taking me out to dinner”, to “seeing where things would lead”, that he “wishes our text argument hadn’t ruined it”, etc. Words from him, not my crush-based wishful thinking! ;) 

 

This doesn't mean crush, it means he had some level of interest.  "Seeing where things would lead" means he wanted to see if you two had chemistry IMO, that's all.

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LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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Posted

Hi BB!

From reading your threads, the read I’m getting from you slight desperation. Guys can sense that and clinginess. Even if a guy shows very slight interest or flirting, it doesn’t always mean he’s looking to jump into a relationship. You write as a very intelligent woman, kind and intuitive, so I think you need to start looking at all the failed dating attempts and it’s common denominator - since they all kind of follow the same pattern  

Many people are flirty and friendly by nature. It seems when you encounter men like this, you develop an instant crush and get hurt at them not reciprocating your feelings immediately  

Listen, when a man is truly interested in getting to know you, you’ll be the first to know. You wont have to question his words or actions and ask forums their opinions. He’ll make it obvious enough that you’ll know how he feels. 

When you latch onto any flirty word or emoji, they can sense your intensity and quite frankly it’s scaring them off  

In the meantime, I think since you know what you want ( a relationship), you need to understand that a relationship doesn’t happen immediately. It takes time for someone to know if they want to continue and pursue, and it all depends on the connection anyway.

Since you met this man at a friends meetup group and not through a dating group, it’s safe to assume he is looking for friends. Even if he makes flirty banter, you need to stop overthinking, projecting and latching in order for a connection to develop naturally. No overreacting, projecting and guessing. 

You will find the right man: I think you just need to stop wasting time when it’s a dead end - and recognizing it for a dead end. Therefore you won’t spend weeks and weeks of questioning things and you’ll be able to move forward. 

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LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

This doesn't mean crush, it means he had some level of interest.  "Seeing where things would lead" means he wanted to see if you two had chemistry IMO, that's all.

Right. What I’m seeing is someone who wants to explore if there is a connection as instant returned attached interest. And as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. 

There’s a huge difference between “looking forward to taking you out to dinner” and “how about Friday at 8:00, I’ll pick you up and go to xxx restaurant for dinner”. And then following through…

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

This doesn't mean crush, it means he had some level of interest.  "Seeing where things would lead" means he wanted to see if you two had chemistry IMO, that's all.

Agree and sadly as he got to know you, he changed his mind.

This is the part you should reflect upon BB. 

That he was interested but then due to your anxiety, insecurity and inability to simply relax and enjoy and the pressure that placed on your entire interaction, he lost whatever interest he had.

Edited by poppyfields
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

 

There’s a huge difference between “looking forward to taking you out to dinner” and “how about Friday at 8:00, I’ll pick you up and go to xxx restaurant for dinner”. And then following through…

Thank you so much for all your input, you are so right with everything you said. But this particular thing is inaccurate because he in fact did say this.

Yes it was my suggestion to meet to get food, he then took the full reins: wanted to nail down a day and time for it ( he suggested Friday night or Saturday night, my choice. Note that parties normally happen at these times, which he was prepared to override), he wanted to be the one to book a table for 2, long in advance, the whole lot. He wanted this to be a proper, official date. And it was the first time he had got any hint from me; I am very good at hiding my feelings from a man and this was when I finally showed some of them. 

You see why I feel so sad that it all went pear shaped as a result of my insecure behaviours that scared him off :classic_sad: And now he won’t even talk to me.

Even friendship is out of reach right now. He’s the only one who didn’t review my event last weekend for the group, the only one who didn’t ‘like’ the group picture of the event that I put on the events page for the group. The group manager knows nothing of this and wants me to do more events, saying that this one was a huge success, little did he know I felt horrible throughout the whole thing.

All I want really, is for this guy and I to be friends again. We have common interests, even some quirky ones which other people don’t share. Will be so much nicer if we could just meet to clear the air, move on, be friends, enjoy events when we’re both there once again 

Edited by babybrowns
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

All I want really, is for this guy and I to be friends again. We have common interests, even some quirky ones which other people don’t share. Will be so much nicer if we could just meet to clear the air, move on, be friends, enjoy events when we’re both there once again 

Well that ship has well and truly sailed - there's only so much jerking around that a person will tolerate.

Use this regret to help you learn and grow and to not make the same mistakes again.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Posted
50 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Yes it was my suggestion to meet to get food, he then took the full reins: wanted to nail down a day and time for it ( he suggested Friday night or Saturday night, my choice. Note that parties normally happen at these times, which he was prepared to override), he wanted to be the one to book a table for 2, long in advance, the whole lot. He wanted this to be a proper, official date. And it was the first time he had got any hint from me; I am very good at hiding my feelings from a man and this was when I finally showed some of them. 

You see why I feel so sad that it all went pear shaped as a result of my insecure behaviours that scared him off :classic_sad: And now he won’t even talk to me.

 

May I ask if you thought the above, why did you say this:

On 1/28/2022 at 5:21 PM, babybrowns said:

 

My whole reason for joining this group, to make friends, should take precedence over meeting a lukewarm guy that I like who is reinforcing “let’s just be friends” over a coffee and leaving me upset before my event.

I genuinely think he only liked me for the attention I’d give him rather than me for me; his consistent lack of pursuit and initiation, his late replies, all suggest it. One possibility is that he wants to get me back into his sphere so he can keep using me for attention.

I did say to him though, when I cancelled the coffee, that I’d still be happy to meet him 1:1 to clear the air, just on the other side of the event. 

He’s not replied to me yet; I hope he doesn’t get annoyed that I cancelled the clear-the-air coffee and consequently pass on attending my event. If he does, it’s a shame, but at the end of the day I need to do what’s best for me.

 

LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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Posted
4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

All I want really, is for this guy and I to be friends again. We have common interests, even some quirky ones which other people don’t share. Will be so much nicer if we could just meet to clear the air, move on, be friends, enjoy events when we’re both there once again 

see this line of thinking? It’s way off. You didn’t have a friendship. You cant truly have a connective friendship after meeting once or twice and chatting. This is the line of thinking that’s getting you into trouble. 

To the normal person, they shrug their shoulders and say, “oh well”. To you, it’s “we were best friends, we had such a connection, I miss him”

Can you not see how this is unreasonable and over the top? 

And this “clear the air” nonsense. You’ve flip flopped several times on meeting him/not meeting him/meeting him on your terms only. It’s too much for him because he’s not invested at all. And you shouldn’t be either considering your interactions. I doubt he’s ruminating like you over this for weeks. It’s not healthy behavior  

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

; I am very good at hiding my feelings from a man and this was when I finally showed some of them. 

No, you’re not. Which is why you’ve spooked several guys with your intensity. You may think you’re hiding it, but in fact you’re making it very pronounced and it’s too much for them, too soon. 

I say all this gently, and not to be harsh, but it would be good for you to go back and read your threads and interactions and be honest with yourself. It’s the only way someone can grow. 

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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7 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

see this line of thinking? It’s way off. You didn’t have a friendship. You cant truly have a connective friendship after meeting once or twice and chatting. This is the line of thinking that’s getting you into trouble. 

To the normal person, they shrug their shoulders and say, “oh well”. To you, it’s “we were best friends, we had such a connection, I miss him”

Can you not see how this is unreasonable and over the top? 

And this “clear the air” nonsense. You’ve flip flopped several times on meeting him/not meeting him/meeting him on your terms only. It’s too much for him because he’s not invested at all. And you shouldn’t be either considering your interactions. I doubt he’s ruminating like you over this for weeks. It’s not healthy behavior  

No, you’re not. Which is why you’ve spooked several guys with your intensity. You may think you’re hiding it, but in fact you’re making it very pronounced and it’s too much for them, too soon. 

I say all this gently, and not to be harsh, but it would be good for you to go back and read your threads and interactions and be honest with yourself. It’s the only way someone can grow. 

I really appreciate your posts and I thank you for them. You are making a lot of sense. Thank you so much. It is true that I hadn’t known this man for long, but it did escalate, enough to the point where he did say he was “looking forward to taking me out for dinner and seeing what could happen”.

This is because even though we only met a handful of times, we spent 7 hours together 1:1 which was a day filled with fun and good times. This day led to us getting closer, led to him wanting to see me again. He even said that “he will always remember this day as never wanting to go home, it is how he will always remember me”.

I do fully take accountability for things going south, and it does make me sad. He seems to have lost all care and regard for the blossoming friendship I thought we had. He has now responded to my suggestion to clear the air, graciously saying I was a “good host” at the event he came to, that “it is great we can both be at an event without things being awkward” and that he is “kinda busy this month so won’t be able to meet me to clear the air”, also he “doesn’t want anyone to feel unnecessary pressure” but that he will “see me at group events”. 

Easy for him to say, I’m not the one who treated him disrespectfully and then deleted him from social media. He still has me deleted, yet expects things to just go back to normal between us at group events with no attempt to make things right with me. Clearing the air was important to me, just to be on speaking terms again, let alone friends. He doesn’t give a toss!

It is sad that when he was once excited to take me out for dinner and book a table for a Friday night and all, it has come to this. Indifference. 😭

Edited by babybrowns
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

.He has now responded to my suggestion to clear the air, graciously saying I was a “good host” at the event he came to, that “it is great we can both be at an event without things being awkward” and that he is “kinda busy this month so won’t be able to meet me to clear the air”, also he “doesn’t want anyone to feel unnecessary pressure” but that he will “see me at group events”. 

He's trying hard to be polite and salvage the friendship.

He's right. It would be best to have fun at the Meetup group without the awkwardness.

He's kind to be honest and provide a learning opportunity to not pressure anyone at these Meetup group events. 

This is why flirting with or trying to date men from the group is a bad idea.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
8 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Easy for him to say, I’m not the one who treated him disrespectfully and then deleted him from social media. He still has me deleted, yet expects things to just go back to normal between us at group events with no attempt to make things right with me. Clearing the air was important to me, just to be on speaking terms again, let alone friends. He doesn’t give a toss!

 

This ^ is the polar opposite of you taking accountability for things going south.   

You treated him very disrespectfully with all your hot/cold, on/off behaviour.   He offered to clear the air with you but you flaked on that too.  If it was so important to you, you wouldn't have jerked him around postponing the meeting.    Your whole thread consists of you lurching from one extreme to the other.

And yes, he probably doesn't give a toss any more.  Why would he care any more after your behaviour with him?

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This ^ is the polar opposite of you taking accountability for things going south.   

You treated him very disrespectfully with all your hot/cold, on/off behaviour.   He offered to clear the air with you but you flaked on that too.  If it was so important to you, you wouldn't have jerked him around postponing the meeting.    Your whole thread consists of you lurching from one extreme to the other.

And yes, he probably doesn't give a toss any more.  Why would he care any more after your behaviour with him?

I don’t regret cancelling our meet-up to clear the air before my first event for the group. It was more important for me to deliver well as a host, not having just come out of an upsetting conversation with someone who doesn’t care anyway, and honour the very reasons I joined the group. To bring people together and make good friendships in a fun environment. I’m glad, the event was a great success, the group manager was very happy with it and so was everybody else.

If this guy genuinely cared, he would have honoured his word when he had said he’d be happy to clear the air after the event if I’d be more comfortable with it.

So I am glad I did it this way! 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

. To bring people together and make good friendships in a fun environment. 

Exactly.  Always keep this in mind. Date outside the group.

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