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Happily single guy who seems to have a soft spot for me- to try or not to try?

babybrowns

By babybrowns
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He’s not replied to me yet; I hope he doesn’t get annoyed that I cancelled the clear-the-air coffee and consequently pass on attending my event.

If he does, that’s his decision. And, it would be a wise decision if he chose not to attend and not to see you again. A friendly hello is all I would offer, at a group event. This ship has sailed…

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

Just try to relax and enjoy the lunch event you're hosting. 

This whole thing went sideways because of this cognitive distortion: "seems to have a soft spot for me". 

This was your wishful thinking causing a lot of misunderstanding. Make the best of the Meetup group and make friends.

Use dating-specific events and online for finding people to date. Perhaps sign up for a speed dating type event or some other singles-specific events to avoid all the confusion.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I genuinely think he only liked me for the attention I’d give him rather than me for me; his consistent lack of pursuit and initiation, his late replies, all suggest it. One possibility is that he wants to get me back into his sphere so he can keep using me for attention.

I'm not sure how you'd come up with this.  I think his lack of pursuit, initiation and late replies showed that he just wasn't that into you.  I don't know if you're deliberately playing games with him or are just very indecisive, but you're actually interested in him, you need to get your act together.

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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Posted

Thanks for your replies. I cancelled our coffee and asked to postpone it, he said ok we can do it another time if it makes me more comfortable that way. He’s still coming to my event. In truth I don’t think I  have anymore intention to see him individually.

Thank you all for your help. Hopefully we can all just move forward from this and enjoy this limited time on the planet 🙂

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks for your replies. I cancelled our coffee and asked to postpone it, he said ok we can do it another time if it makes me more comfortable that way. He’s still coming to my event. In truth I don’t think I  have anymore intention to see him individually.

Thank you all for your help. Hopefully we can all just move forward from this and enjoy this limited time on the planet 🙂

Enjoy the lunch and good of you to plan something for the group. 

As for him I think it’s best to let the dust settle and let everyone have a good time (including you). Date outside of this particular group. 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

. He’s still coming to my event. In truth I don’t think I  have anymore intention to see him individually.

Excellent. You need to stop all the heavy duty relationship talks. You never even dated.

Enjoy the lunch and continue to utilize the Meetup group for it's intended purpose of socializing and making friends.

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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Posted (edited)

Hello all, 

The lunch event was today. It was very much enjoyed by all, except for the guy. I greeted him as the host but naturally we didn’t talk much. Having not cleared the air since the fallout, and it being the first time we have seen each other since before it, things are currently awkward between him and I. He left as soon as he paid the check.

The other guests there really enjoyed my event, they even all wanted to extend it by going somewhere else afterwards, which we all did, minus this guy who had gone home. I felt sad that this guy didn’t enjoy himself and and that our friendship that was once so full of good times and laughs, was no longer there today.

I messaged him after I got home, thanking him for coming and asking if he still wanted to meet to clear the air, now that I feel more comfortable doing so. He’s ignoring my messages.

I no longer want to date this man, but I do hope we can get our friendship back 😢

Atleast I’ve established myself as a good host for the group. The group manager, who was a guest was happy with me 🙂

Edited by babybrowns
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dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 1/28/2022 at 2:21 PM, babybrowns said:

Yes, earlier today I made the decision to not go ahead with this coffee with this guy before my event. I don’t want to do it before my event.

My whole reason for joining this group, to make friends, should take precedence over meeting a lukewarm guy that I like who is reinforcing “let’s just be friends” over a coffee and leaving me upset before my event.

I genuinely think he only liked me for the attention I’d give him rather than me for me; his consistent lack of pursuit and initiation, his late replies, all suggest it. One possibility is that he wants to get me back into his sphere so he can keep using me for attention.

I did say to him though, when I cancelled the coffee, that I’d still be happy to meet him 1:1 to clear the air, just on the other side of the event. 

He’s not replied to me yet; I hope he doesn’t get annoyed that I cancelled the clear-the-air coffee and consequently pass on attending my event. If he does, it’s a shame, but at the end of the day I need to do what’s best for me.

He doesn't know anything about you.  What do you mean lack of pursuit?  You had a date planned right?  What other pursuit needs to happen once the date is set? 

There is not one-size-fits-all when it comes to interest.  Some guys will be doing backflips for you, others will do something less than a backflip, others will be barely interested.  That's because all guys are...DIFFERENT.  We are in fact not all the same, contrary to the cliche.  It is not a slight or insult to you if the guy is not doing backflips.  That's just reality.  We don't all like women the same.

It doesn't mean something can't arise from the minimal interest, it just means that interest has to develop over time.  You didn't allow that to develop because of your impatience and anxieties.  You just projected your interest on to him.  Find someone that does backflips if that's what you expect, there are plenty of guys out there that will oblige, trust me.

Control and love are irreconcilable IMO.  You can't control every aspect of a courtship when you meet someone you really like.  The type of guys you can control, manipulate, you won't be attracted to.

Edited by dramafreezone
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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Atleast I’ve established myself as a good host for the group. The group manager, who was a guest was happy with me 🙂

Focus on this and let this guy be. Stop texting him.

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NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

He doesn't know anything about you.  What do you mean lack of pursuit?  You had a date planned right? 

 

This drama is probably impossible to track without a storyboard covering an entire wall. 

If I have it right (correct me if I'm wrong, BB):   They were face to face two times at group  events,  where he already had relationships with people. She got a crush.   One time, she fortuitously (I honestly suspect this was engineered)  ended up alone with him when nobody else showed up for an event she'd planned.  She had a good time and ran with it - in her imagination.  

He never asked her out, there was no pursuit of any kind.  This is not friendship.  They are acquaintances. There  may have been a bit of a spark.  It went nowhere, like so many little sparks.  We've all been there.  The difference here is that OP won't or can't rein herself in.  She's obsessed.

If I'm being honest, I feel sorry for the guy.  He was having a good time in this group when she got there.  Clearly there will be no more fun to be had for him there.  This sounds unfun to the max.  

 

 

 

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry, I can't see any friendship coming from this.   There is just no way back from all the hot/cold/in/out/on/off and refusing to meet to clear the air which you did.  He has clearly placed you in the "too hard basket"

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

If I'm being honest, I feel sorry for the guy.  He was having a good time in this group when she got there.  Clearly there will be no more fun to be had for him there.  This sounds unfun to the max.  

This^ bears repeating although I doubt the OP will either acknowledge or heed to how uncomfortable she made him feel and drove him away from the entire group. 

Yeah I feel badly for him too, sounds like he initially really enjoyed the group but now, after all the mental and emotional machinations OP orchestrated, he's gone.  

Good for him.

OP, not sure why you never answered the question asking what you have learned about yourself and your own motivations from all this, but I encourage you to spend some time introspecting otherwise this pattern you've developed of being overly emotional and intense with the men you meet and become attracted to is going to destroy any opportunity you have for a happy rewarding relationship with any man.

 

Edited by poppyfields
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry, I can't see any friendship coming from this.   There is just no way back from all the hot/cold/in/out/on/off and refusing to meet to clear the air which you did.  He has clearly placed you in the "too hard basket"

Absolutely… It’s a little delusional to think that you can be friends after all that has happened. 

I would say - he has clearly placed you in the “way too much work basket…”

Edited by BaileyB
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

At last I’ve established myself as a good host for the group.

A good host doesn’t make a member of the group feel uncomfortable to the point that he can not participate in the group. 

Is he close with any of the other members of the group? Have they known each other for a while and do they talk outside of the group gatherings? Have you considered the fact that he will share information about the way in which you have treated him with the other members of the group and you could find yourself on the outside looking in?

Edited by BaileyB
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

A good host doesn’t make a member of the group feel uncomfortable to the point that he can not participate in the group. 

Absolutely.

I'm so disheartened by your response to all this BB.  Your inability to own your role and understand how you yourself actually precipitated the outcome. 

I truly hope you spend some time introspecting, reflecting and owning your part. 

We all spent so much time attempting to help you, I find this all just very sad. 

Edited by poppyfields
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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I don’t think I made myself clear- I did not exclude him at my event at all. I greeted him warmly, spoke to him, made sure he was ok with the menu and all, asked him what he was thinking of getting, gave him eye contact when I was addressing the group. 

I just didn’t “chat” with him as much as how I chatted with the others, after the way he has made me feel. I mean this is a person who was initially, in his own words “looking forward to taking me out to dinner and exploring where things could go with us”, cancelled it to friendzone me, and then deleted me from Facebook.

There had been zero attempt or any communication from his end to make things right after all of this, (as a friend let alone anything else), which really didn’t make me feel comfortable to engage too much with him at the event.

He in fact made it a point to show me even more disrespect at my own event, like talking over me when I was talking to someone, asking them a question interrupting me mid sentence, and ignoring me too. Yes it is a shame that he left the event early, but in truth I’m not really sure why he came.

I’ve been a host for several years for events in my old town and have always got many positive reviews. I had just never been in a situation like this before, where there is awkwardness between myself and a guest. 

It would be nice if he did consent to meeting up 1:1 to clear the air. As mentioned we were going to do this before the event, but I cancelled it since I didn’t want to get upset before it. He seemed to be ok with rescheduling. Yet now he won’t even open my message about the rescheduling 😒

Edited by babybrowns
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 I’m not really sure why he came.

 Yet now he won’t even open my message about the rescheduling 😒

If this was Meetup group related he had every right to attend and do what he wants there.

This was not a date. He doesn't have to text talk or meet with you, so just leave him alone. There's no reason to keep trying to have relationship talks with him. 

 

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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Posted (edited)
52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If this was Meetup group related he had every right to attend and do what he wants there.

 

 

Yes, but this is not my point. My question is from a psychological perspective. This was a small and intimate event, (I wanted to make it so because it was my first event hosting for this group). The guy looked uncomfortable there, and wasn’t wanting to really be there.

The others who came to have a good time were very happy to be there, wanted the afternoon to extend after we’d paid the check, wanted us to go somewhere else afterwards. The weather was nice so we took a walk altogether and went for a coffee with a live band.

But this guy left as soon as he paid the check at the lunch, and was the only one who made a sudden abrupt departure. So I’m not too sure why he came, if the purpose was not to enjoy himself with the others at the event. 

He was willing to meet with me to clear the air before the event, and when I cancelled it he said he’d be ok with moving it to another time after the event if that’d make me more comfortable. So he came knowing I’m not too comfortable currently with him. And despite that I still hosted him graciously, so I’m not too sure what’s caused the intense negativity suddenly from him.

A couple of the guys at the event were flirting a little with me, in front of him, I’m not sure he thought something was going on between me and them? (Following on from his “you’re after other guys too then, are you?” nasty comment earlier when I suggested we make our 1:1 meetup into a group event.

So as it stands, he’s blanking my ‘thank you for coming, I’m now feeling more comfortable to do that coffee with you. shall we have that chat over coffee next week?” message and leaving it unread. It would be good if he does open it, at the end of the day it would be nice to be friends again.

Edited by babybrowns
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
8 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

. But this guy left as soon as he paid the check at the lunch, and was the only one who made a sudden abrupt departure. 

It's a Meetup group so he can attend and come and go as he sees fit. Maybe he had a date or other plans. It shouldn't matter.

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introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I do hope we can get our friendship back 😢

 

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

He in fact made it a point to show me even more disrespect at my own event, like talking over me when I was talking to someone, asking them a question interrupting me mid sentence, and ignoring me too.

Again, the constantly shifting positions you take, BB.

There's no friendship here to "get back."  Two encounters does not a friendship make.  Plus, if your comments about how he acted at the event are accurate, why would you want to be friends with a guy who was disrespectful to you?

It's time to be honest with yourself, even if you can't be with us.  All this on/off, yes/no, up/down, friendly/cool is going to run off any potential prospect, not just this guy.  If your goal is to have a healthy relationship at some point in your life, you are going to have to learn how to deal with some uncertainty when you first meet someone, without alternately romanticising and then demonising the object of your crush.  Dating requires a certain amount of vulnerability, as well as some objective observation.  Until you learn to balance your feelings, your encounters with men are likely to continue to be unsatisfying. In fact, as you get older and men become more attuned to the type of women likely to bring drama into their lives, your encounters will likely become less and less satisfying.  Time to step back and do the work on yourself that is needed so you can be a safe, healthy, partner.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
50 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

So I’m not too sure why he came, if the purpose was not to enjoy himself with the others at the event. 

And despite that I still hosted him graciously, so I’m not too sure what’s caused the intense negativity suddenly from him.

Maybe he was frustrated by the passive aggressive behavior of the host. 

52 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

A couple of the guys at the event were flirting a little with me, in front of him, I’m not sure he thought something was going on between me and them?

You think he was jealous? Did you try to make him jealous? 

53 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

So as it stands, he’s blanking my ‘thank you for coming, I’m now feeling more comfortable to do that coffee with you. shall we have that chat over coffee next week?”

This is a very condescending message to send.

54 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It would be good if he does open it, at the end of the day it would be nice to be friends again.

He does not want to be your friend. You have jerked him around way too much - 

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
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Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

You think he was jealous? Did you try to make him jealous? 

 

No I did not try to make him jealous. Some of the other guests were speaking to me in this way and I responded in a friendly non-flirtatious way, as any decent person would do. We don’t control how others talk to us. If he didn’t like what he saw, it’s really not my problem 

Edited by babybrowns
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

A couple of the guys at the event were flirting a little with me, 

Well this was good.  Did you see in prospects from those guys babybrowns?

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

 

Again, the constantly shifting positions you take, BB.

There's no friendship here to "get back."  Two encounters does not a friendship make.  Plus, if your comments about how he acted at the event are accurate, why would you want to be friends with a guy who was disrespectful to you?

It's time to be honest with yourself, even if you can't be with us.  All this on/off, yes/no, up/down, friendly/cool is going to run off any potential prospect, not just this guy.  If your goal is to have a healthy relationship at some point in your life, you are going to have to learn how to deal with some uncertainty when you first meet someone, without alternately romanticising and then demonising the object of your crush.  Dating requires a certain amount of vulnerability, as well as some objective observation.  Until you learn to balance your feelings, your encounters with men are likely to continue to be unsatisfying. In fact, as you get older and men become more attuned to the type of women likely to bring drama into their lives, your encounters will likely become less and less satisfying.  Time to step back and do the work on yourself that is needed so you can be a safe, healthy, partner.

BB, did you even read this^ post?   

It may he one of the most important posts written on this thread, but yet no acknowledgment or response, same as when I asked what have you learned about yourself and your own motivations from all this. 

You pass by the posts that if you bothered to read and acknowledge, you might learn important things from.  Things that would help you going forward. 

Why is that I wonder?  

Edited by poppyfields
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Kamille Established Member

Kamille

Posted
Posted

You need to stop analyzing this situation and start thinking about how you will  move on.

Friend not friends, attend events not attend events, clear the air not clear the air. None of it matters. 

You are obsessing and ruminating over him when your energy would be much better spent healing and moving on.

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