BaileyB Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: If this guy genuinely cared, he would have honoured his word when he had said he’d be happy to clear the air after the event if I’d be more comfortable with it. It’s time to move on… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: It is true that I hadn’t known this man for long, but it did escalate, enough to the point where he did say he was “looking forward to taking me out for dinner and seeing what could happen”. BB, he only said that after you prodded him to declare his intentions. You are 1) adding deep feelings to what was likely just said because you had his back against the wall and 2) assuming that this statement was some sort of legally binding contract. I often reply to date invitations with words to the effect of "great, looking forward to seeing you." And it's true to some extent. But if the man I said that to, who I'd yet to go on a single date with, then started being passive aggressive, toggling from hot to cold, interrogating me about my interest, criticising me for flirting with other men... holy s***, I'd be pressing the delete-and-block key so fast his head would spin! I definitely would not be looking forward to anything with said man! Especially in the early days of meeting someone, it is super easy for attitudes and feelings to change. You are only kidding yourself if you think your actions didn't belie how into this guy you were. And while you may think you are protecting yourself with all the poking and prodding about intention that you do, you are actually only guaranteeing a negative outcome, which will feed into your already anxious mind and make you display even more of this behavior with the next man. There are 12 pages of responses here, and you have multiple similar threads. For your own sake, take the time to reread the advice you've been given and think about how you can change your thought patterns and behaviors. Continuing to toggle between demonising and romanticising this guy is doing nothing to solve the real issue, which lies inside you. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Exactly. Always keep this in mind. Date outside the group. Especially if you are going to create situations like this. People talk and you will find yourself left out of the group. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: If this guy genuinely cared, he would have honoured his word when he had said he’d be happy to clear the air after the event if I’d be more comfortable with it. This statement is very interesting to me. One, you place the blame squarely at his feet. Two, you place judgment on this man “if he genuinely cared, he would have honoured his word - ouch!” It goes without saying but that goes both ways, if you genuinely cared, you wouldn’t have jerked him around the way you did. And three, there is absolutely no insight into the fact that you have created this little drama and you are the reason why he doesn’t want to see you again - to clear the air and be “friends”again. There is a lack of self reflection and insight into everything that you have done or said in this discussion BB. I too hope you go back and read this thread and others again without the defensiveness that you have demonstrated during this discussion - pretend like you are reading the words of a stranger and then really reflect on the situation and advice that has been given. Edited February 2, 2022 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 14 hours ago, babybrowns said: All I want really, is for this guy and I to be friends again. We have common interests, even some quirky ones which other people don’t share. Will be so much nicer if we could just meet to clear the air, move on, be friends, enjoy events when we’re both there once again OP gently, you two are not friends. Developing friendships takes time. What would friendship look like or how would it develop if you made a new friend (say a female friend)? Expectations that are heavy handed, and deep discussions and missed meetings (i.e. scheduling, rescheduling, etc.) after having only met you once outside of a group setting? Someone in this thread (I can't recall who) asked what your life is like outside of these meet-up groups. Are there any friends with whom you have been friends for a long time? If so, how did those friendships develop? Were you not saying in another thread that this was a new area for you? I wonder if you are trying to forge connections with people from this meet-up group a bit more intensely than you normally would because of the loneliness associated with moving to a new place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted February 2, 2022 Author Share Posted February 2, 2022 Thank you all, and yes, I really am beginning to understand now. It was a very good learning experience for me. This morning, as mentioned I got the message from him which was essentially a paraphrasing of ‘we don’t need to clear the air, we can both be at the same events, see you at the next one’. I responded to say that he might feel comfortable talking to me and hang out as normal at these events, but I don’t currently feel comfortable talking to him for his friend deletion etc and the way he’s just left it like that. Either we leave it like this and don’t acknowledge each other at the events, or we clear the air if he wants us to be back on speaking terms. I said to him that I lost the wish to be romantically involved ages ago and that I did feel I’d found a new friend who shares my interests, but that unless we clear the air we are not going to be on speaking terms. It is his call. I’ve left the ball in his court. He either takes me up on the offer or he leaves it. I do really wish that all this hadn’t happened, and I don’t need anymore lectures- I know it’s all my fault 😔 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 13 minutes ago, babybrowns said: Thank you all, and yes, I really am beginning to understand now. It was a very good learning experience for me. This morning, as mentioned I got the message from him which was essentially a paraphrasing of ‘we don’t need to clear the air, we can both be at the same events, see you at the next one’. I responded to say that he might feel comfortable talking to me and hang out as normal at these events, but I don’t currently feel comfortable talking to him for his friend deletion etc and the way he’s just left it like that. Either we leave it like this and don’t acknowledge each other at the events, or we clear the air if he wants us to be back on speaking terms. I said to him that I lost the wish to be romantically involved ages ago and that I did feel I’d found a new friend who shares my interests, but that unless we clear the air we are not going to be on speaking terms. It is his call. I’ve left the ball in his court. He either takes me up on the offer or he leaves it. I do really wish that all this hadn’t happened, and I don’t need anymore lectures- I know it’s all my fault 😔 It is possible the air is very clear. So there’s no further clearing needed. Be at peace, BB. Enjoy the new events coming up and let this blow over. Less is more. Onwards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) 16 minutes ago, babybrowns said: I responded to say that he might feel comfortable talking to me and hang out as normal at these events, but I don’t currently feel comfortable talking to him for his friend deletion etc and the way he’s just left it like that. Either we leave it like this and don’t acknowledge each other at the events, or we clear the air if he wants us to be back on speaking terms. You apparently haven’t learned anything… He responded to you with kindness, and you responded to say - either we meet to clear the air and get back on speaking terms or I won’t acknowledge you at events. He doesn’t want to clear the air with you anymore - he just wants to be able to attend the same event that you are also attending and not have it be awkward. But apparently, you intend to make this more awkward. 16 minutes ago, babybrowns said: I said to him that I lost the wish to be romantically involved ages ago and that I did feel I’d found a new friend who shares my interests, but that unless we clear the air we are not going to be on speaking terms. Here you go with more “relationship talk.” He doesn’t want to have a relationship talk with you - you were never dating and you are not broken up. 16 minutes ago, babybrowns said: It is his call. I’ve left the ball in his court. He either takes me up on the offer or he leaves it. Don’t be surprised if he replies with less kindness - or ignores you entirely. Edited February 2, 2022 by BaileyB 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 Quote ‘we don’t need to clear the air, we can both be at the same events, see you at the next one’. He does not want to clear the air. Quote but that unless we clear the air we are not going to be on speaking terms. Again, this is an expectation you are putting on him. What do you hope to achieve by "clearing the air." Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Alpaca said: What do you hope to achieve by "clearing the air." He has already offered what she could best hope to achieve - 30 minutes ago, babybrowns said: This morning, as mentioned I got the message from him which was essentially a paraphrasing of ‘we don’t need to clear the air, we can both be at the same events, see you at the next one’. Edited February 2, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) >>but that unless we clear the air we are not going to be on speaking terms. OMG, what did you hope to accomplish by saying this?? Have you forgotten you have never been on one single date with him? The man was being kind, polite and respectful to you, attempting to defuse any awkwardness at future events, and in response you offer what amounted to a very nasty ultimatum that reflects your bitterness and inability to be gracious. I'm actually in shock you responded that way. I hope you will consider getting some sort of professional help BB, your responses are way WAY over the top. Edited February 2, 2022 by poppyfields 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 30 minutes ago, BaileyB said: He has already offered what she could best hope to achieve - I concur. To my mind, OP hasn't given up on the possibility of a romantic relationship. Despite what others have tried to tell her, she continues to dismiss it. As indicated by her repeated "no more lectures" comments. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 43 minutes ago, Alpaca said: To my mind, OP hasn't given up on the possibility of a romantic relationship. Otherwise known as a “friendship” that may turn into a romantic relationship down the road… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) OP, you have to learn how to just be cool, easy going. I don't know how to say it other than that. How you're coming off right now is the polar opposite of what guys want to experience when we begin dating. We just want someone that's fun to be around, doesn't take themselves too seriously, who adds to their life by not being an additional source of drama. You are providing drama before you've even dated the guy and you don't seem to be at all aware of it. Look at all of your behavior, itemize them if that's helpful, and go one by one down the line and ask yourself is this a behavior that's going to complicate things with this guy or make them easier. I just went out with a colleague that I've known for 3 years and we've always had low-key attraction to each other. What struck me was how *easy* she made it on me. In this day and age it's tough to even get consistent communication with anyone, much less get them on a date. She was very responsive to my texts, made time, was enthusiastic, joyful, no drama at all. We set the date and didn't really communicate much after that for 10 days, then day of the date she arrived early, we had a great couple of hours. Be like her. Guys want someone that makes their life easier. And in turn many guys will want to make you happy because you make their lives easier, not necessarily by doing anything for them other than just being a source of joy and not stress. Edited February 2, 2022 by dramafreezone 5 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted February 2, 2022 Senior Moderators Share Posted February 2, 2022 This thread has been closed as it is running in circles and has ceased to be productive. Thank you all for your participation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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