Help to move on

[Madammebutterfly]

Help to move on

Dear all,
In September my fiancé (M.) dumped me, and I can’t seem to be able to move on. I keep on blaming myself and wondering whether I overdid certain things. I’d be very grateful to read honest advice.
I met M. some 10 years ago, he was married and cheated on his wife with me. It was a quick affair and we both went on with our lives. He got divorced and after a couple of years restarted contact with me asking me to move with him to Mexico (he’s Mexican and I’m European). I had a partner then and was doing my phd so I told him no. Yet, we continued in touch, he visited in 2014, and then in 2019. By then, I had broken up with my partner and M. kept on insisting that I moved with him, so eventually I decided to give it a go. He then proposed and I quit my job in Germany, sold my things and moved to Mexico. Before moving I asked him what if I didn’t like it in Mexico, and he said we could move back to Europe...
Once in Mexico, my job there was not as expected, I felt super useless and badly treated and when I told him he accused me of always complaining about everything. It was not until they threatened me to deport me for no reason and when three other people quit that M. believed me. During this time (this was all happening during the first month or two) I did not have many chances to meet people because of the COVID restrictions so I spent most days alone feeling down... Although I told him my being down was not his fault, his reaction was more like: I’m not happy like this, I don’t feel complete and by the way I’m never ever going back to Europe, so maybe it was better for me to go. This was for me a big shock, especially since I had left everything to move in with him...
After 4 months or so, I was sent a chat history between him and a female friend of his, who he introduced me to to be her friend, where they shared all sorts of sexual details, including sex with me before my moving to Mexico. The messages were very shocking or me because he takes about women like pieces of meat, me mocked me and my family when he came visit, made fun of some romantic things I had done for him, shared with this friend port videos between himself and a random girl (without the girls consent), bragged about having sex with his students or about how he was going to have to have sex with the lady at the immigration department to get my visa. Also, while I was still in Europe applying for jobs in Mexico he had been sleeping around with people that were among his cicle of friend, to whom I was introduced without knowing... I don’t know, I felt totally stupid and humiliated. I told him and refused to see his friends (at least for a while) and we fought a lot. Although he admitted it, he kept on changing dates as to whether he’d been sleeping around while we were together apart or not. It drove me crazy. Was I overreacting? Or do you think his was a super disrespectful behaviour? 
Some friend told me to leave him when I saw these messages but I guess I still loved him and had put too much at play to be with him... yet, even though I tried, I couldn’t help feeling very resentful and always snapped at some sexist comments of his (for instance, I used to work on Jordan and Egypt and was harassed by a colleague, and I told M. he was like: well, what do you women expect when you go to these countries)? 

Besides this, when I quit that job, I obtained two very good contracts, which would however require me to travel regularly. His response was: if you’re gonna be travelling so much (1 month out of 6), what kind of relationship is this? We’d better break up.

I think the whole thing messed up my mind a lot and I keep on blaming myself for not having done more to safe the relationship... what do you guys think? Please, be honest.
E.

Edited January 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

His behaviour sounds awful.  I think that him ending the relationship was the best outcome you could possibly have had.

More importantly, do you still have the proceeds from the items you sold?   Are you living away from him in a place you'd like to be?  Are you rid of him?

[glows]

Where are you living now if you broke up in September of last year? Are you back in Europe and doing ok? 

He’s not a catch. Please don’t worry about not doing enough to save the relationship. It might have been torched and sunk to the bottom of the ocean and it’s still not enough to get rid of someone like that. 

All you need to know is that it wasn’t working and it wouldn’t have ever worked. He wasn’t honest with you and there were indications he wasn’t faithful either. It sounds more like him having you go to Mexico or live with him was one big game to see how far he could get tricking a woman halfway across the world to be with him. He wasn’t sincere and the way he spoke to you says a lot about how little he respects you. 

Instead, look forwards. Leave this behind, far far behind. Whatever you have going for you before you knew this guy and even now wherever you are is far better than being anywhere near him.

[Wiseman2]

Move back home. It's not working out.

[Madammebutterfly]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

His behaviour sounds awful.  I think that him ending the relationship was the best outcome you could possibly have had.

More importantly, do you still have the proceeds from the items you sold?   Are you living away from him in a place you'd like to be?  Are you rid of him?

Thanks for the support. No, what is sold or lost is gone forever... And yes, I’ll be living in Mexico but far from him, so hopefully it’s over for good.

[Madammebutterfly]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Where are you living now if you broke up in September of last year? Are you back in Europe and doing ok? 

He’s not a catch. Please don’t worry about not doing enough to save the relationship. It might have been torched and sunk to the bottom of the ocean and it’s still not enough to get rid of someone like that. 

All you need to know is that it wasn’t working and it wouldn’t have ever worked. He wasn’t honest with you and there were indications he wasn’t faithful either. It sounds more like him having you go to Mexico or live with him was one big game to see how far he could get tricking a woman halfway across the world to be with him. He wasn’t sincere and the way he spoke to you says a lot about how little he respects you. 

Instead, look forwards. Leave this behind, far far behind. Whatever you have going for you before you knew this guy and even now wherever you are is far better than being anywhere near him.

Thank you so much for your words. Well, in September he dumped me and kicked me out of the house (I left after his pushing me) and then came back home. The main issue is that now my only job is in Mexico (far from him though).

what you say makes sense, sometimes I felt like the white European trophy for him... I don’t know, I think I was really stuck in this relationship because I’m a way I saw some stability, like he had things clear on what HE wanted, only that this not really include me, if I didn’t like what he liked... and then of course after leaving everything it was not easy to drop the whole thing and go back to nothing... funny thing is that he really thought I had not left anything, that I could simply go back and carry on with my former life...

[glows]

8 hours ago, Madammebutterfly said:

Thank you so much for your words. Well, in September he dumped me and kicked me out of the house (I left after his pushing me) and then came back home. The main issue is that now my only job is in Mexico (far from him though).

what you say makes sense, sometimes I felt like the white European trophy for him... I don’t know, I think I was really stuck in this relationship because I’m a way I saw some stability, like he had things clear on what HE wanted, only that this not really include me, if I didn’t like what he liked... and then of course after leaving everything it was not easy to drop the whole thing and go back to nothing... funny thing is that he really thought I had not left anything, that I could simply go back and carry on with my former life...

It doesn’t seem like he took any of this seriously nor did he put himself in your shoes with an ounce of compassion. It’s quite cold actually. I’d consider that a red flag. If you’re looking for longer commitment and a man to be with you, wouldn’t you seek someone who’s willing to be a team? He’s shown you anything but that. Put this behind you for good. Take the lessons with you and don’t jump when someone says jump. Not everyone is genuine or has your best interests and there are more impulsive individuals than cautious ones so be aware. 

Moving was your decision so own it and don’t make the same mistake again. You’ll gain some autonomy and accountability over the past as you also acknowledge your own actions. What you take ownership of you can also adjust and change about yourself. Don’t live in denial and keep going in circles what a great gift to women this man was. I’d hardly say this was a relationship if it was so deceptive and nothing what you thought he was. That idea of it being a relationship is null and void. Not applicable. 

I’m assuming “back home” means you’re back in Europe. Keep looking for more permanent employment in your own country or relocate based on your own terms, not for romance.