Priya Posted January 7, 2022 Posted January 7, 2022 Hello Everyone it's been too much now, I need serious advice for this. I met this guy through online and we got into a relationship, Later It turned out that I am a shy person and wasn't able to put efforts like calling or talking so we broke up, this guy tried to understand and we are still friends but due to staying in connection continuously from 6 months with the same feelings I am deeply attached to him, every action of his, every word he tells ( I am an emotional+ Sensitive person). Yesterday I was hurted because he shouted me unnecessarily for a game and then I switched off my mobile. he texted and said "Nice you switched off your mobile from now don't call me Or text me" I was like hmm yes I switched off my mobile because I felt bad but then I was like I reacted to a very small thing and told him sorry, he told me sorry back and told me bye Now the scene is when ever he tells me bye, I am always like No bye.. let's TALK but I responded too with bye and He felt some change... he asked wont we ever talk now? I told nothing like that.. he called me and he was like "Don't play this games, if I even feel change I will leave, I have gone through this losing people phase and if you even stay or leave it doesn't even matter, I don't care" and I was like ok but this thing hurted for real. I am deeply attached to him but The sad reality is from his side it's just timepass what should I do..? I cry everyday, my heart wants to talk to him and i crave for his attention
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Posted January 7, 2022 24 minutes ago, Priya said: he called me and he was like "Don't play this games, if I even feel change I will leave, I have gone through this losing people phase and if you even stay or leave it doesn't even matter, I don't care" Well he obviously doesn't feel the same for you as you feel for him. You need to detach and get over him. I think your relationship is only online and you haven't met in person, is that correct? If so, you need to block him from contact and stop watching what he's doing online so you can detach and get over him. If you don't do these things you will get stuck in this loop and won't be able to move on because he will stay on your mind. Have you tried therapy to help you get over your shyness? How old are you? 1
Author Priya Posted January 7, 2022 Author Posted January 7, 2022 17 minutes ago, stillafool said: Well he obviously doesn't feel the same for you as you feel for him. You need to detach and get over him. I think your relationship is only online and you haven't met in person, is that correct? If so, you need to block him from contact and stop watching what he's doing online so you can detach and get over him. If you don't do these things you will get stuck in this loop and won't be able to move on because he will stay on your mind. Have you tried therapy to help you get over your shyness? How old are you? Yes my relationship is online I am a 18 year old teenager. I am scared to tell people no, sensitive and always thinking that other might feel bad, non-confident so i can't say him directly but not talking to him slowly- slowly will maybe detach me from him, but he calls me everyday.. Just for timepass He doesn't cares he told me on my face it pains in my heart.
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Posted January 7, 2022 Priya I think you need to get offline and meet guys in person, go on dates and have fun. That will open you up to interacting and conversing with guys. If you stay home alone and only look at a guy online you'll never get pass your shyness. You need to get out there and mingle. Do you have girlfriends you can hang out with to go out together and meet guys? 1
Author Priya Posted January 7, 2022 Author Posted January 7, 2022 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Priya I think you need to get offline and meet guys in person, go on dates and have fun. That will open you up to interacting and conversing with guys. If you stay home alone and only look at a guy online you'll never get pass your shyness. You need to get out there and mingle. Do you have girlfriends you can hang out with to go out together and meet guys? I have friends but then as I said I have a sensitive personality, I don't interact that much I don't vibe with them.
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Posted January 7, 2022 55 minutes ago, Priya said: I have friends but then as I said I have a sensitive personality, I don't interact that much I don't vibe with them. It would help you get over your shyness to get out and be around your friends. The more you are around people the less sensitive you will become. Experience gives us confidence. 1
BaileyB Posted January 7, 2022 Posted January 7, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, Priya said: I cry everyday, my heart wants to talk to him and i crave for his attention What you are expecting from him is not fair to him. I hear that you are shy and not confident, but it’s not fair to this man to ask him to be in a relationship with you and then talk/don’t talk to him when you become overwhelmed and shut down. It must feel like you are playing games, and that’s frustrating for people. It’s certainly not going to help you to develop and keep relationships. My friend, you may be shy and lack confidence but that doesn’t allow you to treat people badly. Simply, people won’t want to be in a relationship with you if you don’t put effort into the relationship and you are not reliable - exactly what’s happening here. I would suggest to you need to develop your confidence and your social skills with people in real life. Edited January 7, 2022 by BaileyB 1
Author Priya Posted January 7, 2022 Author Posted January 7, 2022 4 hours ago, BaileyB said: What you are expecting from him is not fair to him. I hear that you are shy and not confident, but it’s not fair to this man to ask him to be in a relationship with you and then talk/don’t talk to him when you become overwhelmed and shut down. It must feel like you are playing games, and that’s frustrating for people. It’s certainly not going to help you to develop and keep relationships. My friend, you may be shy and lack confidence but that doesn’t allow you to treat people badly. Simply, people won’t want to be in a relationship with you if you don’t put effort into the relationship and you are not reliable - exactly what’s happening here. I would suggest to you need to develop your confidence and your social skills with people in real life. Hello there I am not expecting him to be in a relationship with me. I am overwhelmed because of them, about how they treat me. If they talk with me like they don't care when I am deeply attached to them and they just tell that they don't care is not gonna work, there must be some genuine reason to actually end things or if you are not comfortable just stop talking atleast not keep a person in hope. This guy even after he knows how deeply I am attached to him told me that you don't matter in the end. Now if I am overwhelmed because of this how am I playing games?.
Author Priya Posted January 7, 2022 Author Posted January 7, 2022 4 hours ago, stillafool said: It would help you get over your shyness to get out and be around your friends. The more you are around people the less sensitive you will become. Experience gives us confidence. True what you said, I ll definitely work on that + my social skills.
Wiseman2 Posted January 7, 2022 Posted January 7, 2022 7 hours ago, Priya said: Yes my relationship is online I am a 18 year old teenager. Are you isolated? Do you live with your parents/family? Is there trouble at home? Do you work? Go to school or university? If not, look for work and take some classes/enroll in university. It's a vicious cycle to get involved in this. It furthers your isolation, depression, withdrawal and anxiety. Talk to a trusted adult. See a physician about your stress, depression and withdrawal. Once you feel better after seeing a physician and therapist, you will be able to stop "crying all the time" or be hypersensitive to others, particularly some online entity you never met.
glows Posted January 7, 2022 Posted January 7, 2022 This has run its course. It was an online only interaction so not actually a relationship. Avoid placing so much importance on this. Walk away, step aside from the computer, go outside, chat with friends, engage with your studies and do well in school. Don't talk to this person again. You're not learning from your mistakes, only repeating them over and over. The way he speaks to you is also incredibly immature. "..if you even stay or leave it doesn't even matter, I don't care". Well, if he doesn't care, then why doesn't he block you and be on with it? Value your own time and availability and don't waste it on things like this.
BaileyB Posted January 7, 2022 Posted January 7, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Priya said: This guy even after he knows how deeply I am attached to him told me that you don't matter in the end. Well then, you need to distance yourself from him. I’m sorry, I thought you said above that you were in a relationship that you ended because you didn’t put efforts into calling. You stayed in touch because he continued to pursue the relationship. But then, he yelled and you switched off your mobile/refused to talk with him. And then, you wanted to talk and he was frustrated by your withdrawal and lack of communication. It seems you are not communicating well, which could be perceived as playing games. As was said above, I would suggest that you value your time and your mental health by not engaging with people/relationships that don’t bring you joy. Chose to talk with people who love and support you. Best wishes. Edited January 7, 2022 by BaileyB
spiderowl Posted January 8, 2022 Posted January 8, 2022 (edited) 17 hours ago, Priya said: Yes my relationship is online I am a 18 year old teenager. I am scared to tell people no, sensitive and always thinking that other might feel bad, non-confident so i can't say him directly but not talking to him slowly- slowly will maybe detach me from him, but he calls me everyday.. Just for timepass He doesn't cares he told me on my face it pains in my heart. Priya, I know you are attached to him but you need to cut this guy off. He is hurting you, criticising you. He should not be doing that. You are unlikely to ever meet him so why are you staying in cotact with him? I expect you feel lonely and afraid to lose him. You can lose people who are not treating you well and you will cope. You need to cut him off and block him so that he cannot manipulate you or intimidate you any more. I appreciate there might be some good things that you get out of this mixed-up relationship but they are not worth the bad things. If you feel a need to cut him off and switch your phone off, that is a sign he is hurting you and you are struggling to cope. It might help you to tell your parents. I expect you do not want to do this as you think they will disapprove. Do you have any female friends you can chat to about this? You are young so you are not yet aware of what a normal romantic relationship looks like. You might even be thinking you would not find anyone else, but you will. Any kind of good relationship should not involve you being scared or upset at the person. Edited January 8, 2022 by spiderowl 1
spiderowl Posted January 8, 2022 Posted January 8, 2022 (edited) These are some things to bear in mind: Chatting online to people is not the best way to overcome shyness. If you are a very sensitive person, I can understand why you would cling to this way of communicating because it feels safer than being out in the outside world with real people (especially with Covid around), but it is unlikely to bring you what you need. I am also a shy, sensitive person. I have spent many hours (and years) chatting to guys online and I have learned some things. There are some nice guys online but there are a lot of guys who have serious mental problems or disorders and who go online because they have little success in real-life interactions. Some of these people have quirks, like they are into women's feet or want to talk about women wearing stockings or just want sex chat. In other words, there are some weird people out there and they are not online to meet nice people like you are. Your best chance of meeting nice people is outside in the real world when mixing with friends. Being with friends is a kind of filter - they will know something about most guys in contact with the group, they can vouch for them or tell you to avoid them. There is no filter online and you can end up with weird or bullying types. I think it is worth asking your parents if you can have therapy to help with social skills so that you can gradually build friendships. I don't know how understanding your parents are. If they are not, please ask your doctor about such therapy. I think that would be the way forward for you. Edited January 8, 2022 by spiderowl
Author Priya Posted January 8, 2022 Author Posted January 8, 2022 15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you isolated? Do you live with your parents/family? Is there trouble at home? Do you work? Go to school or university? If not, look for work and take some classes/enroll in university. It's a vicious cycle to get involved in this. It furthers your isolation, depression, withdrawal and anxiety. Talk to a trusted adult. See a physician about your stress, depression and withdrawal. Once you feel better after seeing a physician and therapist, you will be able to stop "crying all the time" or be hypersensitive to others, particularly some online entity you never met. I am a student obviously because I am 18 year old from India. I live with my parents and we have alot of trouble. It's common to live with parents in India. Here in India we are not allowed to work below 20 year old plus I am doing my HS. I will try myself to overcome this awkwardness and shyness. Thankyou 1
Author Priya Posted January 8, 2022 Author Posted January 8, 2022 15 hours ago, glows said: Don't talk to this person again. You're not learning from your mistakes, only repeating them over and over. The way he speaks to you is also incredibly immature. "..if you even stay or leave it doesn't even matter, I don't care". Well, if he doesn't care, then why doesn't he block you and be on with it? Value your own time and availability and don't waste it on things like this. Even I wonder sometimes then why does he talk, why not directly block. I doubt if he is into me because he is giving me mixed signals. Well but I am deeply attached and I understand what you are saying to value my time and availability but I am a person who can't say NO when it comes to saying people NO I feel if I am going to hurt them, I have a load in my heart that I did something bad so I can't just ghost somebody like that but I will try to distance myself from him Thank you
Author Priya Posted January 8, 2022 Author Posted January 8, 2022 15 hours ago, BaileyB said: Well then, you need to distance yourself from him. I’m sorry, I thought you said above that you were in a relationship that you ended because you didn’t put efforts into calling. You stayed in touch because he continued to pursue the relationship. But then, he yelled and you switched off your mobile/refused to talk with him. And then, you wanted to talk and he was frustrated by your withdrawal and lack of communication. It seems you are not communicating well, which could be perceived as playing games. As was said above, I would suggest that you value your time and your mental health by not engaging with people/relationships that don’t bring you joy. Chose to talk with people who love and support you. Best wishes. I didn't end the relationship, he ended the relationship 6 months back because I was not putting efforts due to respect for him plus I am extremely sensitive when it comes to love whether online or offline so because of shyness I couldn't talk or put efforts I used to get panicked. Then he ended up because he told it's a meaningless relationship then why do give a tag and it ended. He told me I want to continue as friends so I told okay and because of being in communication with him, I still have that same feelings for him I don't know whether he has the same feelings or not. And he yelled me not for switching off the phone, he yelled me for a game and that is why as a sensitive person I couldn't take that , in anger I switched off the phone and then he didn't like that so he told he won't talk to me ever then after that he called me and told me that If I ever feel that a person's behavior is changed I will leave, I don't even care if you leave or stay it doesn't even matter because I have gone through this phase and i dont care anymore.
Author Priya Posted January 8, 2022 Author Posted January 8, 2022 6 hours ago, spiderowl said: Priya, I know you are attached to him but you need to cut this guy off. He is hurting you, criticising you. He should not be doing that. You are unlikely to ever meet him so why are you staying in cotact with him? I expect you feel lonely and afraid to lose him. You can lose people who are not treating you well and you will cope. You need to cut him off and block him so that he cannot manipulate you or intimidate you any more. I appreciate there might be some good things that you get out of this mixed-up relationship but they are not worth the bad things. If you feel a need to cut him off and switch your phone off, that is a sign he is hurting you and you are struggling to cope. It might help you to tell your parents. I expect you do not want to do this as you think they will disapprove. Do you have any female friends you can chat to about this? You are young so you are not yet aware of what a normal romantic relationship looks like. You might even be thinking you would not find anyone else, but you will. Any kind of good relationship should not involve you being scared or upset at the person. Yes I do feel lonely and afraid to lose him because he teaches me good things too and i love him. I don't trust my friends with sharing my thoughts that is why I feel more lonely. I will try my best to stop being in contact with him.
spiderowl Posted January 8, 2022 Posted January 8, 2022 Why don’t you trust your friends, Priya? What do you think they will do? I really think counselling will help you if you can possibly get it. I understand you have been struggling with this for a while.
Author Priya Posted January 8, 2022 Author Posted January 8, 2022 2 hours ago, spiderowl said: Why don’t you trust your friends, Priya? What do you think they will do? I really think counselling will help you if you can possibly get it. I understand you have been struggling with this for a while. they have ignored me when I needed them, they mistreat me they don't give attention. I am done with them.
Wiseman2 Posted January 8, 2022 Posted January 8, 2022 5 hours ago, Priya said: I am a student obviously because I am 18 year old from India. I live with my parents and we have alot of trouble. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Is that why you're upset and talking to someone? What is the trouble about? Do you have siblings? Ask your parents to take you to a doctor for a checkup and tell the doctor about your depression and anxiety.
Foxhall Posted January 8, 2022 Posted January 8, 2022 Dont be too hard on yourself, your only 18 , you have a lot of time to grow (emotionally) I remember at around 21 I got some advice and I was mad at the time as I felt they were criticising me, "you have to be able to talk to people" ! this can become a learned skill though- look up conversation starters even and keep up with current events, have a few topics of conversation in mind when you are meeting or getting the opportunity to interact with people, anyway dont stress about it, you will also find some guys easier to talk too than others and so on, all ahead of you.
Author Priya Posted January 8, 2022 Author Posted January 8, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Is that why you're upset and talking to someone? What is the trouble about? Do you have siblings? Ask your parents to take you to a doctor for a checkup and tell the doctor about your depression and anxiety. I am not depressed nor do I have anxiety, I hold up things because of my sensitive behavior if there was somebody else than me they would have stopped caring as it's online.
Author Priya Posted January 9, 2022 Author Posted January 9, 2022 7 hours ago, stillafool said: What things is he teaching you? He teaches me about loving yourself, Valuing time, Value of the word 'Sorry' and so many knowledgeable things.
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