How is making fun of each other a part of a healthy relationship?

[BaileyB]

RBG once said “In every marriage, sometimes it helps to be a little deaf.” I do believe that, you have to let things go or your relationship will not be much fun. 

That said, comments meant to hurt or damage the other individual’s character are not humorous. 

Certainly, we tease and joke with each other. Done well, it can be a very flirtatious and fun thing for a couple to do. But, there is a line… And when we cross the line, we apologize. 

Edited January 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[Mrin]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

What I am wondering what is the something he's so good at?  lol

Ditto! Inquiring minds want to know.

[Interstellar]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

What I am wondering what is the something he's so good at?  lol

 

you made me curious as well

Edited January 8, 2022 by Interstellar

[Trail Blazer]

I think a little bit of banter is part of a healthy relationship.  I've perhaps pushed the boundaries of banter a few times and had to tone it down a bit as my girlfriend got a little upset about a couple of things, but I think I've got the balance right now.  She gives it back a bit more than she used to, too, which is great.

Since you guys are not *actually* in the relationship, I feel this is different.  It's not banter between to secure people in a committed relationship.  Rather, it's two seemingly insecure people who are allowing their insecurities to manifest through jokes, when seemingly both can see through what each other is doing.

[Ami1uwant]

20 hours ago, Alpaca said:

So, the man I am dating and I were texting the other day and I mentioned that I had just returned from a graduation party late at night and that I was extremely tired. 

In any event, we were being playful with each other but then he made some jokes that “kind of” felt like jabs. Considering that we both have a sort of tongue-in-cheek sense of humor, I might be unfairly criticizing his comments in my mind. His comments tend to be a bit more creative and light-hearted whereas at times I may be a little more blunt.

Can couples that poke fun at each other fair better? We're not a couple but it's just a thought I had.

 

texting jokes is very difficult vs if it’s said in person with vocal tone.

[Cali Lisa]

17 hours ago, Alpaca said:

To have a fulfilling relationship, do you need to be devoid of all insecurities?

The answer to everything is balance of opposite powers. Of course we have insecurities. What would this world look like if we were all 100% cocky? Imagine a world full of rockstars and geniuses. Insecurities are even cute to a certain extent - they tell of desire to possess which comes from our fear of loss. You can be insecure because your partner is giving a reason to be; someone in the past gave you a reason to mistrust people; you yourself are dishonest; etc.

You both have started with games and that should stop when you get to know each other better. If it doesn't, it will lead to trust issues and trust is the foundation of every good relationship. You are not currently in a position to demand honesty (plus how do you know he will be honest?), but later down the road, if the relationship develops, and you continue with these little innuendos that insinuate lying and cheating - IMO, it means that one of you intends to cheat and has done so in the past. Snarky jabs about cheating imply that it would be okay to cheat but they want to know if you are.

In your case, though, he said "just you, don't be silly" and he asked you about covid but not directly about what you were doing without him, so I would say he would like to hear that you are eliminating other guys. But I don't think you should say anything other than answer his questions. Men like to lead the game slowly, so don't rush anything. Time will tell. It always does. 

[Alpacalia]

I just want to acknowledge that there are some really helpful comments here.

I still think that people sometimes experience a bit of "relationship anxiety" during the early phases of dating.

Even so, I'll watch for these types of quips, and if they continue, I'll think about my next move. There was a great post here about teasing in a way that compliments the other person rather than teasing that attacks. 

Thanks everyone! 

[Amanda92]

You just waste your time. He doesn't have time to meet you for a month and he is jealous that you may date someone else? You have right to date someone else and this is not his business.

[Lotsgoingon]

Humor can be good, but it is also dangerous ... For one, lots of times people fake like they're not stung by a partner's humor and though that faking seems innocuous at first, resentment and some anger can quietly build as well as insecurity. 

Ideally you want to tease your partner only about stuff that you fully accept in them. You make fun of something, but it's clear from your body language and your smile and tone that you really like the person and this quality doesn't undermine our affection/admiration/appreciation of them. And this can't be faked or performed. In my experience, if I'm not totally accepting of a partner's quirk, then my teasing isn't helpful.

Seems like some of the exchanges talked about here are attempts are some serious talk--disguised as teasing and humor. That can quickly become disastrous. 

 

[Els]

It really depends on the context, and also on the compatibility (whether you both share each others' sense of humor). I agree with @lana-banana, the key thing here is that he should be able to back off if you find it hurtful. If he can't do that, he's not just "joking".

[Foxhall]

I think so yes, it helps to bring a couple closer or more relaxed with each other,

the exception might be if making fun relates to a person's appearance, for instance if a girl is overweight or a guy has a big nose, then they are unlikely to appreciate "fun" having a poke at something like that which they are sensitive about,

I think it relates well to personality type situations though,

I will be quiet enough in group situations and gf will wink and say are you ok there shyboy, I enjoy that type of banter.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Elswyth said:

..the key thing here is that he should be able to back off if you find it hurtful

I agree but that's assuming Alpaca is direct, honest and brave enough to tell him it was hurtful. 

I could be wrong but I'm not getting the sense she has been.  It's been more fluff than substance, which often happens in early stages where both are nervous, anxious, fearful of showing their hand.

A few dates, and communicating mostly via text and phone calls where things said can be ambiguous and confusing. 

Anyway, it's Saturday night, standard date night.   

After a month of not seeing each other, I hope you will both be brave enough to talk directly and honestly and decide where you'd like things go. 

Edited January 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

59 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree but that's assuming Alpaca is direct, honest and brave enough to tell him it was hurtful. 

I could be wrong but I'm not getting the sense she has been.  It's been more fluff than substance, which often happens in early stages where both are nervous, anxious, fearful of showing their hand.

A few dates, and communicating mostly via text and phone calls where things said can be ambiguous and confusing. 

Anyway, it's Saturday night, standard date night.   

After a month of not seeing each other, I hope you will both be brave enough to talk directly and honestly and decide where you'd like things go. 

Well, if you recall the last man that said something similar (the guy that joked about me kissing someone else), I did and I wasn't satisfied with his response so I ended it.

But I will take on board everything else you've said.

Thanks!

 

[Uruktopi]

On 1/7/2022 at 12:08 PM, Alpaca said:

To have a fulfilling relationship, do you need to be devoid of all insecurities?

No

[Wiseman2]

Playful teasing? Cool.

Insults disguised as jokes? Not cool.