How is making fun of each other a part of a healthy relationship?

[Alpacalia]

So, the man I am dating and I were texting the other day and I mentioned that I had just returned from a graduation party late at night and that I was extremely tired. 

In any event, we were being playful with each other but then he made some jokes that “kind of” felt like jabs. Considering that we both have a sort of tongue-in-cheek sense of humor, I might be unfairly criticizing his comments in my mind. His comments tend to be a bit more creative and light-hearted whereas at times I may be a little more blunt.

Can couples that poke fun at each other fair better? We're not a couple but it's just a thought I had.

Edited January 7, 2022 by Alpaca

[99girl]

43 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

So, the man I am dating and I were texting the other day and I mentioned that I had just returned from a graduation party late at night and that I was extremely tired. 

In any event, we were being playful with each other but then he made some jokes that “kind of” felt like jabs. Considering that we both have a sort of tongue-in-cheek sense of humor, I might be unfairly criticizing his comments in my mind. His comments tend to be a bit more creative and light-hearted whereas at times I may be a little more blunt.

Can couples that poke fun at each other fair better? We're not a couple but it's just a thought I had.

What did he say exactly?

[glows]

You’re both still getting to know one another so exploring those boundaries is part and parcel of the experience. Humour and play keep things flowing. Whether the couple fairs better depends on whether those boundaries are respected on both sides. Perhaps one person can’t laugh or joke about a certain body part or health topic or concept. That needs to be respected. Joke about other things instead. 

Having said that, I think it’s essential that a couple be able to laugh both at and with each other and themselves. If they can do that with ease over a longer period of time respectfully and with understanding of how the other thinks, that says a lot about how comfortable and secure they are in the relationship. 

I noticed in the previous thread that you’d mentioned something about being brash. You weren’t sure if he thought you were too brash. Are you feeling you’re more blunt in your playfulness because you sense he’s not as honest or genuine or isn’t quite sensing when not to joke about something that you don’t find funny? 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, 99girl said:

What did he say exactly?

Hi 99girl.

He suggested in a roundabout way that I need another Covid vaccine because I was out too late, and that was coming on the heels of him inquiring if I was out with another fella.

There's also something about me being slow on the draw. 

However, he did so in a humorous manner.

10 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re both still getting to know one another so exploring those boundaries is part and parcel of the experience. Humour and play keep things flowing. Whether the couple fairs better depends on whether those boundaries are respected on both sides. Perhaps one person can’t laugh or joke about a certain body part or health topic or concept. That needs to be respected. Joke about other things instead. 

Having said that, I think it’s essential that a couple be able to laugh both at and with each other and themselves. If they can do that with ease over a longer period of time respectfully and with understanding of how the other thinks, that says a lot about how comfortable and secure they are in the relationship. 

I noticed in the previous thread that you’d mentioned something about being brash. You weren’t sure if he thought you were too brash. Are you feeling you’re more blunt in your playfulness because you sense he’s not as honest or genuine or isn’t quite sensing when not to joke about something that you don’t find funny? 

 

 

Good points.

If it was a joke about what I ate or something along those lines I might have understood, but what I mentioned above is rather off-putting.

I sense that he's a bit, how do I phrase this delicately... insecure about me? 

Some of my comments to him in the past have been similar, though.

In one instance he said something about being good at something, to which I replied, "who else are you good at that with?" And he said, "just you, don't be silly."

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Can couples that poke fun at each other fair better? We're not a couple but it's just a thought I had.

Fair better than couples that don’t poke fun at each other? I don’t think they would fair better per se, but it probably works for some.

 

That being said, from your description, the root of this might be insecurities from both of you. And that doesn’t tend to predict a healthy relationship.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Fair better than couples that don’t poke fun at each other? I don’t think they would fair better per se, but it probably works for some.

 

That being said, from your description, the root of this might be insecurities from both of you. And that doesn’t tend to predict a healthy relationship.

To some extent, I think that everyone has some innate insecurities because we're not just limited machines with predictable responses as "objective cause and effect" would suggest.

But to your point - I am not certain how two people with different insecurities will fare together.

To have a fulfilling relationship, do you need to be devoid of all insecurities?

[smackie9]

There's a difference with being a little insecure, and making it clear through underhanded comments. It's like when someone insults you and then says they were joking...when they truly weren't. That's what people do with poor communication skills. I wouldn't chalk it up as "their sense of humor" it not very funny now is it?

[poppyfields]

>>So, the man I am dating and I were texting the other day...<<

Alpaca, is this the same man you've posted about in your previous thread?  The man you were considering ending things with?  And as of two days ago, you haven't seen in a month?

I didn't want to assume it was in case you're multi-dating, but if it IS, I think a big part of the problem is the fact you have not seen him or spent time together in a month. 

As has been said numerous times on this forum, texting is not dating.  

Things said over text and messaging are often misconstrued, misinterpreted, ambiguous and confusing. Just as is happening now. 

In person, had he said same things, you could determine by body language, facial expression, inflection, tone of voice whether or not he was teasing in a playful endearing way, OR if was meant as an intentional snark or jab.

To answer your question, teasing, making fun, when done in a playful way can be endearing and indicate interest and attraction. 

That's been true in my relationships, I actually love teasing, bantering and being playful!

It's subjective though and each case is different because it can also be used to indicate hostility.

I have found It's best to not read so much into something said over text and focus more on how you relate and interact in person on actual dates. 

If your dates are few and far between and you're questioning the quality of your interactions, perhaps it's time to rethink remaining in the relationship or dating such person. 

 

 

Edited January 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[princessaurora]

I think when you really like someone and see potential for a relationship it's pretty normal to be a bit insecure because the thought of someone else taking your place is kind of stressful. The phrases on both your parts were just subtle ways of trying to feel out the current situation and see if there's any competition to be concerned about.  That tends to happen when you find someone you click with because in dating there's generally alot more failures than successes. 

[Weezy1973]

38 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

To have a fulfilling relationship, do you need to be devoid of all insecurities?

I was thinking more in terms of attachment styles. While two people with insecure attachment styles will often “get” each other, it doesn’t really bode well for a relationship. 
 

 

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I think when you really like someone and see potential for a relationship it's pretty normal to be a bit insecure because the thought of someone else taking your place is kind of stressful. The phrases on both your parts were just subtle ways of trying to feel out the current situation and see if there's any competition to be concerned about.  That tends to happen when you find someone you click with because in dating there's generally alot more failures than successes. 

I tend to think so as well. When he talked about him being "good at something," I felt uneasy.

Retrospectively, I think we were both gauging each other.

It's a completely different experience when we're together in person. As I was busy and he was busy, we may have felt a little self-doubt creeping in because we were apart. We have yet another date coming up in a few days, so I hope we can just have fun and enjoy each other.

 

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Can couples that poke fun at each other fair better? 

Yes absolutely but it has to be done in a way to elevate each other, not a passive aggressive way to get a message across like this man seem to be doing. 

I sense a lot of mixed signals from him and from you. Why you think things are so blurred between you? His remarks seem to indicate he wants you to give him all your attention, why exclusivity has not been reached yet?

Edited January 7, 2022 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I sense a lot of mixed signals from him and from you. Why you think things are so blurred between you? His remarks seem to indicate he wants you to give him all your attention, why exclusivity has not been reached yet?

You know what Gaeta, that's a very good point.

There are times when it feels like he wants all of my attention.

As for me, I guess I need to be more clear about what I want and how I want things to go.

We have only been on a few dates together and have yet to talk about exclusivity.

[Mrin]

What an interesting thread. Made me think. All of my relationships have a good deal of banter in them - bidirectional. And I also think that couples who can tease each other can have healthier relationships than couples who avoid that sort of banter.  

Okay, a few thoughts for you to try on:

1. Security: The first thing that comes to mind is that the degree to which teasing each other is fun/healthy is tied to security - namely how secure the receiver (and I suppose the giver) is about themselves and the other person. As you mentioned, if there is insecurity, then the banter just comes off differently and pretty soon, becomes unhealthy. I am a secure person with a good deal of self confidence. Therefore, I can take a LOT of ribbing and it rolls off of me like water off duck. BUT, looking back there have been some times where that ribbing hurt and that's when I've been insecure. Then it is like night and day. 

2. Strengths: In pondering this thread, I thought about my past relationships and realized that I naturally tend to tease or make fun of my relationship partner about something they perceive as a strength or a defining characteristic. But I do it in a way that is complimentary in meaning even if it is mocking in delivery. I'll give you some examples.  One woman I dated was highly sensitive and intuitive so I used to call her "Yoda" from time to time. I would tease her by saying things like, "and here I am sitting quietly and freaking Yoda over there is reading my soul like an open book". Another woman I dated was incredibly driven and prided herself in her ability to get stuff done. So I would tease her by calling her "the force of nature". The woman I'm dating has a great figure. One day she was in the town post office in yoga pants and one of the town characters, a crotchety old African American dude fond of wearing chaps and a fur hat (not kidding) walked in and exclaimed, "mmmmm mmmmmm! You are a black man's kryptonite!" So I will call her kryptonite from time to time. 

3. Weaknesses: The times where banter has gone wrong has been when I was teasing a relationship partner about a weakness or a shortcoming. I think you can do it (depending on the person) just not too much. And you kinda have to make it more about the absurdity of a situation rather than the actual weakness. BUT, me being Mr. duck feathers, I have definitely played too roughly. I probably should just avoid doing it in the future all together.

4. The In Between: This literally just happened this morning. I live in a very remote and inhospitable place. Almost 9,000 feet up and lots of snow (we just had 8.5 feet of snow fall the other week). The woman I'm dating moved here from LA and this is her first winter. Total culture shock. I was teasing her about her inability to handle what has already been a pretty aggressive winter by saying how hard it must be for Malibu Mountain Barbie to have to snow blow her driveway so she can drive her Tesla to go get her half caff almond milk latte by 9am in order to function. So, not exactly busting on her strengths per se. But I followed it up immediately by laughing and saying, "don't ever stop being Malibu Mountain Barbie, you're one of a kind and you're all mine." It probably would have been hurtful if I hadn't followed it up by taking that characteristic (LA woman totally out of her element) and somehow turning it into praise. 

 

TL;DR: If your partner is insecure, tread lightly in the banter. Bust on strengths and do so in an indirectly complimentary way. Avoid teasing about weaknesses or shortcomings and even if you go there, follow it up with something endearing. 

 

Hope this helps forward the conversation!

 

Mrin

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

There's also something about me being slow on the draw...

Can you elaborate more on this?  What something? 

I can't help feeling something is very off. 

Just last week you were thinking about ending things because he wasn't being as attentive or responsive as you'd like and need, questioning why he hasn't made more time for you. 

You admitted the uncertainty has been difficult.

Your last date was a month ago and now you question certain comments he made over text. 

Since it's obvious you really like him, I truly hope I'm wrong, and that your upcoming date goes well, you can both be more honest and direct with each other and that it all works out the way you hope and want! 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Can you elaborate more on this?  What something? 

I can't help feeling something is very off. 

Just last week you were thinking about ending things because he wasn't being as attentive or responsive as you'd like and need, questioning why he hasn't made more time for you. 

You admitted the uncertainty has been difficult.

Your last date was a month ago and now you question certain comments he made over text. 

Since it's obvious you really like him, I truly hope I'm wrong, and that your upcoming date goes well, you can both be more honest and direct with each other and that it all works out the way you hope and want! 

 

 

 

 

That comment was not clear to me, so I can't really comment. I don't know... maybe I'm a bit of a slug? Hehe

Everything else you mentioned is in the past now.

I like him a lot. When I'm with him, I feel totally safe, so maybe it's only that when we were apart that I got a little restless.

[dramafreezone]

I firmly believe that any quality in a person can manifest both positively and negatively.

Humor, wit can be a positive trait when someone makes you feel better, tells an amusing joke or can otherwise keep things lighthearted.

That same quality can turn into teasing or cruel barbs that really hurt when you're the butt of the joke so to speak.

People in a relationship are going to hurt each others feelings at times, that's just inevitable.  You just want to make sure that there's no pattern of behavior that develops, or that you're not just being overly sensitive to an innocent comment.

[glows]

The comments specifically are both of you joking about meeting or spending time with others. I'm not sure about you but that's an immediate turn off. If a man suspects I've got my attention elsewhere and I'm dating him, I'd set that straight pretty quickly. 

I don't play coy or take too kindly if he feels uncertain about the way I'm dating. He can save that for someone else if he likes that back and forth. 

[flitzanu]

take this with a grain of salt, BUT, 

i tend to think that people who take jokes "more personally" tend to be more insecure about things, or possibly feel a bit inferior, or perhaps have been "judged" in the past and take it more to heart.

someone may poke fun or joke and not have any clue of how "you" would interpret it simply because they don't know, and to them it is just an open non-direct non-meaningful joke.

like, say you stumble and almost fall, but are fine, and he says "wow, walk much, clumsy" and deep down you're like, "i was born with a clubbed foot and had to have therapy to learn to walk normal, you're an insensitive prick"  -- but he knew none of that.

knowutimean?  i don't think you're wrong to take something personally or feel like it's underhanded compliment, but just take a moment to reflect on, is this joke something that YOU are taking personally for inner reasons.

[Wiseman2]

Alpaca kids me about my food/diet all the time.

She even wrote a poem for me about eggnog.

So yes, playful kidding is fun .

[mark clemson]

IMO it's a form of verbal play, but it's one of things like PDA and (light) tush-slapping that are usually fine in small doses, but one has to be careful as to the how, when, and how much because each person will have things that are off limits and/or not be in a playful mood at times. I think it's a part of bonding for many couples, but can be easy to get wrong at times, in which case it can do more harm than good.

I suspect there may be an element of sounding out which partner is "dominant" in a relationship to it (something that is not necessarily a constant and can switch at times) as well, but it's a little hard to put my finger on the exact processes for that aspect.

Edited January 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[poppyfields]

I love humor, teasing and banter as much as anyone but it has its place. 

What I have found, and it may have even been true for me years ago before I became a bit more enlightened, but often times it can be used as a way to block emotional intimacy from developing and to maintain a certain amount of emotional distance from your partner.

Sort of like how clowns use humor to cover sadness and sometimes even depression.

In the early stages of dating, when there is so much uncertainty and people are fearful of putting themselves out there too much, or expressing their emotions directly and honestly, joking, teasing and banter is a passive way of conveying how you feel but still feeling emotionally safe.

Problem is, especially via texting and messaging, it can often be misconstrued and misinterpreted, it may even come across as cold and unfeeling.

Here, Alpaca’s date used sarcasm, joking and banter to determine if she is dating anyone else.  Since this was done over text, it wasn’t received the way he intended and Alpaca took offense to it.  Or rather did not understand it, hence this thread.

Had he waited until their date and talked to her about this honestly and directly, this would not have happened.

Same with how Alpaca uses jokes and banter, and to her credit, admitted she might come across as too brash.

I had to learn this too but try being more direct, honest and straightforward especially with a new partner who does not know you nor your style of humor.

It would save tons of confusion, misinterpretations, misunderstandings and would also allow you to grow emotionally closer versus hiding behind jokes, teasing and banter which can get very old very fast.

[Interstellar]

13 hours ago, Alpaca said:

In one instance he said something about being good at something, to which I replied, "who else are you good at that with?" And he said, "just you, don't be silly."

 

Girlfriend number 3 and  number 5. Why, are you jealous?

Edited January 7, 2022 by Interstellar

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

Girlfriend number 3 and  number 5. Why, are you jealous?

What I am wondering what is the something he's so good at?  lol

Okay none of my business, but his response "just you, don't be silly," not buying it and wondering how Alpaca responded.

Oh the games people play....

[lana-banana]

There's a vast difference between joking in good fun and making people feel bad. My husband and I joke a lot, but we never get into the realm of being truly mean or hurtful. To be fair, not everyone has the same idea of where their lines are, so it's fine to say "hey, this is hurtful to me"; if he's a mature adult, he'll understand and apologize. But actually jabbing at someone isn't cute, it's just passive-aggressive.