Everybody wants an interesting date. Are they worthy of it?

[ccas93]

when it comes to dating advice, you also hear a lots of stuff that sounds like "oh you want to date more attractive women? then you need to make yourself more attractive with hobbies, going to the gym, blah blah"  and I can see someone doing this work, then finding it's "not what the majority of daters are looking for" so you can feel a bit misled and annoyed. 

I'm big into self improvement and personal growth, but I do it for myself, not to please people with my "interesting person" checklist on dating apps. 

[Cali Lisa]

19 hours ago, vkap said:

I get some aggression here about thinking i deserve reward. Yes i do deserve. I am a high value person self improved in most aspects in my life and fought many of my fears alone. I deserve a high quality relationship too. Just wondering in the post, why most people want a high value partner when they arent high value themselves.

You misread (cause i didnt phrase it well) I was never boring, just a person with no means to experience things that overcame those limitations and did tons of achievements in personal growth. So i am not satisfied with just a pretty face, i want personality too.

The only "high value" that any person or animal can carry is their good-hearted nature: loving toward humanity and nature, respectful, compassionate, kind, generous, charitable, prudent, supportive, honest and genuine. Without a good heart, one has no value whatsoever even if they were born as a genius scientist because they will use their strength to cause damage, not good. 

I didn't hear you once say anything that describes any value in you. Hobbies, jobs, education and fitness have nothing to do with any human value. Those things have subjective value to certain people. I don't want a guy who has three hobbies and some people don't value degrees. So, you are looking for a combination of traits in women that appeals to you, but then you attack them (in your mind) for not reciprocating in their wants. Can you see how this is an area where you could work on understanding that other people have their own criteria, values, standards and desires? You think you bring "value" to the table. Some women think you do, but you don't want those. Some women think you don't - and you want those women. Why? You are not willing to "lower" your criteria so you pumped up your "value." 

You are trying to create value in artificial ways. You are not done working on yourself when you decide you are done. Life will send the right women your way when you are ready. You don't sound ready or open-hearted. You see women as enemies that need to be conquered. Why the hell doesn't she want me? That's the subject of your thread. It seems like you wanted people to tell you "Yeah, women these days..." No. Keep searching and stop controlling the universe. What other people do is they respond to what you offer. What you offer does depend partially on you, but WHO you are offering it to depends 100% on you. You mentioned that you are looking for personality also, not just looks. So, you are looking for the physical chemistry but you are offended when the other person doesn't feel the chemistry? Do you think women can control who they find attractive? Can you control it? Can you force yourself to kiss a woman you don't find attractive? What is it you want from your dates - to give you a chance after they have decided you are not the one? Would you give them a chance?

See, my point is that when we go into a self-centered mindset, we invoke this series of follow-up thoughts. This is why you should NEVER EVER think about why somebody didn't feel the chemistry for you. Accept yourself and look for someone who is similar to your league. Don't think that social status, money or ANYTHING for that matter can be a trade-off for physical chemistry.  If you want a smart, beautiful educated wife and you are only smart and educated but not handsome, then you have to become rich and marry a gold digger. Lower your criteria when it comes to looks in the sense that it doesn't bother you if the lady isn't feeling the magic.

[vkap]

17 hours ago, Elswyth said:

So you met one girl from a dating site... and this led to you posting about "many girls" and questioning the way you spent the last 2 years of your life...?

If you want someone with interesting hobbies why not filter for those instead?

No pal. I didnt do it for them. I did it for me.  Getting a gf was a motive too but you never self develop for others. I was ashmed of my self, so i fixed me.

15 hours ago, ccas93 said:

Yep. I understand that irony all too well. Here's what I'm guessing is going on with you, which I've experienced myself.

You work on yourself over the years, develop yourself into this interesting person with unique life experiences and passions, thinking it's going to play into your favor and at least people will give you a chance and talk to you and see what you're about. Then Jane with a slightly above average looking face, but no apparent interests besides pop culture, partying and netflix and working a job she's not passionate about, thinks she's hot stuff because she's decent looking, and it's your job to entertain her. Her friends and simp followers on Instagram have also told her she's a queen on her 500 pictures she's posted of herself. With each picture of her butt she posts, she gets more and more random followers, and she starts thinking she's an influencer or celebrity of sorts. 

Then you somehow get one of them out on a date, because she's what's available to you, and she doesn't contribute any thoughts of value to the date, and you are willing to give her another chance wondering if she was just shy, but then says she doesn't feel a spark. With conversational abilities like that, you wonder how she "feels a spark" with anyone. It's literally only a step or two above talking to a tree stump. 

Then you screen for higher quality women, and they either don't know you exist, or have enormous egos. It's less the fact that they are actually bad people in real life, but more the fact that they have so many options, and your existence to her is just a few pictures and a some words on her phone screen. And these kind of women might even think it's weak that a handsome, interesting dude is trying to meet women online instead of having balls and approaching in person. 

I've been on and off dating apps since 2014. I call them mediocrity apps now and just use them when I want something casual. 

You are totally right. Everyone was a passionate person but then they get intimidated. Ironically i get more success out of apps too.

14 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Again, this isn’t exactly at the top of the wish list for most daters. Also different people have different opinions on what’s interesting. Working on yourself is great, but focusing on making yourself “interesting” is going to have limited results because there isn’t exactly a universally accepted notion of what is interesting.

You aright, but i dont do it for them. I thought that they would be a bonus, if you dont like my fire, their loss.

14 hours ago, ccas93 said:

I don't disagree with you. I also don't think one should make themselves "interesting" just to gain approval from potential dates. 

If you work on yourself a lot and become different than the norm, then yeah you probably aren't going to appeal to people who are more "basic" with their interests. Which is statistically the majority of people. Which is one of the things I believe to be caveats (I mentioned earlier) with the whole self improvement thing. 

 

 

 

Agree. You improve for your own sake.

11 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

I agree with the posters who are saying this whole "interesting" and "unique story" .. doesn't make someone high value.  It just makes them interesting and unique? -Those qualities are only (maybe, potentially..) bonuses after the fundamental chemistry requirements of real chemistry .. (physical and otherwise). 

I dont say this to diminish all the work you've done on yourself as im a huge advocate of continuous self-improvement.  That said -- a man can have all the interesting stories in the world..and be self-actualized.. but if i dont want to kiss him or picture myself being intimate with him then at best it makes for a wonderful interesting date with a potential good friend -- at worst (and im not saying this is you -- but i have experienced this) a man who is so full of himself he cant stop talking about all of his incredible adventures and (frankly, 'had to be there') stories ----and no physical chemistry whatsoever.

Now if you are a good looking guy (you said 'decent'.. so you ideally you are searching for women who you are in same 'decent' category), a good person with good values who gives back -- AND you have interesting stories and hobbies (again, only a bonus, potentially) --then it may be a numbers game of dating tens of ladies before you find someone you feel is your level quality wise.    

I do think online dating can be a little de-humanzing (we are all a lot more than a few pics and cheesy comments.. we all have backstories of challenges and triumphs) but everyone is in same boat.  Everyone on there has interesting stories -- even the 'boring' ones... havn't gone through life on earth without something of value to share. Its not perfect but i much prefer having it as an option than having to get dressed up and go out to bars and clubs to meet someone.   I met my 'needle in a haystack' boyfriend on bumble and im grateful every day i swiped on that cheesy profile of his:). I never saw him as 'weak' for having to be on a dating site (as one poster said) just a busy professional who hated the whole bar schmooze/pick - up  scene (perfect for me).  

People that are dead inside, will only like people dead inside. Sorry i am alive. 

11 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

What you're describing is the norm.   80% of guys are going through the same thing.  Nothing to do but keep grinding, it's a numbers game.

True

11 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I feel you.  People have told me all the time "who wouldn't be happy with you?" Or "who would ever break up with you?" (Meaning me, of course, not you).  I have a lot to offer, I promise a lot of wonderful things and a wonderful future.  Why doesn't IT happen for me?  Like IT won't happen for you?  You might as well ask me what the meaning of life is, because I don't know that either.  You do things that are supposed to make you better / happy, improve yourself, work hard, etc.  And what happens?  No one recognizes it.  Instead they get jealous or they put down your accomplishments, or they act like it's not that big a deal to them either.  

I went out with some real losers in my day thanks to OLDing.  Sometimes I wonder if they ever think of me or some of the other women they go out on OLDS with that they meet once then walk away from.  

All I can say is that it wasn't right for you two to be together.  There is a Mr. or Miss Right out there but there are also many Mr. and Miss Wrongs.  So, so, so many of them. 

You are right

11 hours ago, ccas93 said:

when it comes to dating advice, you also hear a lots of stuff that sounds like "oh you want to date more attractive women? then you need to make yourself more attractive with hobbies, going to the gym, blah blah"  and I can see someone doing this work, then finding it's "not what the majority of daters are looking for" so you can feel a bit misled and annoyed. 

I'm big into self improvement and personal growth, but I do it for myself, not to please people with my "interesting person" checklist on dating apps. 

You are right same.

 

 

-------------

To sum up thank you all of your responses. I got my answer :).

After all a panther can be satisfied with a cat, i am done chasing cats and focusing on pathers.

Thanks a lot guys and gals.

[chillii]

 

They'll be dead bc there's just nothing there, that and there are also a lot of just dead people out there too anyway. When there is something there though, between you both , you'll have a nice time, maybe even way better than just a nice time, or maybe even a future. Be selective too, only bother with the few that seem what your looking for , the rest don't matter.