Everybody wants an interesting date. Are they worthy of it?

[vkap]

Put it bluntly i had many family and financial difficulties in my life that pushed me to put endless times in self development.

I used to to feel i was boring with no value and now i have learnt many skills/hobbies/extreme sports and after 2 years of therapy and facing my fears i am quiet a catch.

Good job for my age 30 , master degree, car, can do all housework, having good taste and manners, tall, working out and many hobbies. All that without family connection. Just my prayer to God and tons of personal effort.

I started dating again after years and it seems, while i was thinking i was boring, turns out everybody else is. Last conversations go like this

1 i match in dating app

2 bombard her 1 week to get her out

3 go on first date

4 apparently i am more open than her so i open the discussion

5 i let gaps for her to enter convo...she doesnt do much. She laughs with what i say, ask questions or tells her own opinion but if i stop fueling the chat it is dead.

6 her body signs show she has a good time, smiling all time, getting closer and asking even more details for my stories.

7 get out of date while had fun

8 she begins slow texting

9 "i really like you but i am just not feeling the magic click"

First of all Jesus why dont you have anything to say if i dont maintain the convo? Also seriously, the hobbies "i see movies and go trips" is the most common lie for "i do nothing all date with my existence"

Second she on date you like me, why do you start cooling me off in texts

And finally, magic spark really? Thats so fatalistic. Its like admitting your life is empty and you want someone else to carry you. There is no magic spark, you create a bond of mutual trust and appreciation that makes you feel good. As long as you are not from entirely different cultures, this is entirely built and not found.

 

So i see many girls having very high standards and expectation while they have no value to offer...How do i help them open up when they just stare at me wand not talk while expecting me to carry all the discussion?

[ccas93]

I understand your frustrations. I think the caveat with self improvement is if you do it well and put yourself on the upper end of the bell curve, it can become hard to relate to the majority of the population who hasn't done it or never adopted a growth mindset. 

The other caveat is if you are a dude who has self improved and become a catch, well good luck on the apps, because a woman who is truly your match probably gets thousands of likes a day. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by ccas93

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, vkap said:

There is no magic spark,

I dont know, id venture that you not quite correct on that,

relax sit back let it flow, its not something that can be contrived or generated by a series of steps,

think of a date as a life story and enjoy

the connection or spark will happen, you know its not easy to predict when and with whom.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

Nothing new here.

profikes are aspirational…not realistic.

there are peop,e out there looking fir fantasy and devoid of reality. They want to think they are swept off their feet and everything is perfect.  That’s not how it works.

 

 

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, vkap said:

"i really like you but i am just not feeling the magic click"

First of all Jesus why dont you have anything to say if i dont maintain the convo?

Im guessing that you read her profile, too, so why did you swipe right on it? She was a dud, but something in her profile made you overlook that--what was it? Was she hot looking?

The short answer to your question is: because this calibre of female doesn't have to... most guys who are not the self actualizing types fall for their shtick.  When they realize they're going to have to bring more to the table than their cootchie, they know they're out of their league.

Perhaps you need to restructure your profile to emphasize what you bring to the table as far as being self actualized and that you're looking for the same---or at least someone who has interests that don't involve the guy emptying their bank accounts in the process.

Quote

How do i help them open up when they just stare at me wand not talk while expecting me to carry all the discussion?

That's their heavy lift, not yours. You can't help them if they're not interested enough in that to have at least taken 5 steps down the path before you swipe right on their profile.

Edited January 7, 2022 by kendahke

[Weezy1973]

Have you ever felt a “magic spark”?

[Cali Lisa]

Dude, your job is to find the right girl for you, not to teach women new tricks. Keep exploring. Frustration is a part of every important process and, certainly, the quest of finding true love is important and difficult. You really thought God would reward you with Miss Right the moment you decided you have done a ton of work on yourself and you are done? Finding hobbies doesn't make you a good catch. You are still boring if you were boring before. You need to have fun with yourself and then you will find the woman with whom you will have fun. And most importantly, you need to be a good man, nobody cares about your hobbies.

You have a master's degree, but are you well-read? You have a job, but are you generous and money savvy? You are so full of yourself and so convinced that every woman you choose has no reason to reject you that you don't even focus on finding the right woman for you. Have patience. Everyone wants a quick fix these days. Love doesn't operate that way. 

[glows]

7 hours ago, vkap said:

Put it bluntly i had many family and financial difficulties in my life that pushed me to put endless times in self development.

I used to to feel i was boring with no value and now i have learnt many skills/hobbies/extreme sports and after 2 years of therapy and facing my fears i am quiet a catch.

Good job for my age 30 , master degree, car, can do all housework, having good taste and manners, tall, working out and many hobbies. All that without family connection. Just my prayer to God and tons of personal effort.

I started dating again after years and it seems, while i was thinking i was boring, turns out everybody else is. Last conversations go like this

1 i match in dating app

2 bombard her 1 week to get her out

3 go on first date

4 apparently i am more open than her so i open the discussion

5 i let gaps for her to enter convo...she doesnt do much. She laughs with what i say, ask questions or tells her own opinion but if i stop fueling the chat it is dead.

6 her body signs show she has a good time, smiling all time, getting closer and asking even more details for my stories.

7 get out of date while had fun

8 she begins slow texting

9 "i really like you but i am just not feeling the magic click"

First of all Jesus why dont you have anything to say if i dont maintain the convo? Also seriously, the hobbies "i see movies and go trips" is the most common lie for "i do nothing all date with my existence"

Second she on date you like me, why do you start cooling me off in texts

And finally, magic spark really? Thats so fatalistic. Its like admitting your life is empty and you want someone else to carry you. There is no magic spark, you create a bond of mutual trust and appreciation that makes you feel good. As long as you are not from entirely different cultures, this is entirely built and not found.

 

So i see many girls having very high standards and expectation while they have no value to offer...How do i help them open up when they just stare at me wand not talk while expecting me to carry all the discussion?

Acknowledge you’re not on the same page. You may be physically attracted to these women but the matches are lacking intellectually, different maturity level. Don’t knock someone down for being more reserved or cautious. 

If you’re feeling angry and jaded resist the urge to date or see anyone. It just creates more problems for yourself. Take a breather and rethink your dating criteria.

[99girl]

8 hours ago, vkap said:

Put it bluntly i had many family and financial difficulties in my life that pushed me to put endless times in self development.

I used to to feel i was boring with no value and now i have learnt many skills/hobbies/extreme sports and after 2 years of therapy and facing my fears i am quiet a catch.

Good job for my age 30 , master degree, car, can do all housework, having good taste and manners, tall, working out and many hobbies. All that without family connection. Just my prayer to God and tons of personal effort.

I started dating again after years and it seems, while i was thinking i was boring, turns out everybody else is. Last conversations go like this

1 i match in dating app

2 bombard her 1 week to get her out

3 go on first date

4 apparently i am more open than her so i open the discussion

5 i let gaps for her to enter convo...she doesnt do much. She laughs with what i say, ask questions or tells her own opinion but if i stop fueling the chat it is dead.

6 her body signs show she has a good time, smiling all time, getting closer and asking even more details for my stories.

7 get out of date while had fun

8 she begins slow texting

9 "i really like you but i am just not feeling the magic click"

First of all Jesus why dont you have anything to say if i dont maintain the convo? Also seriously, the hobbies "i see movies and go trips" is the most common lie for "i do nothing all date with my existence"

Second she on date you like me, why do you start cooling me off in texts

And finally, magic spark really? Thats so fatalistic. Its like admitting your life is empty and you want someone else to carry you. There is no magic spark, you create a bond of mutual trust and appreciation that makes you feel good. As long as you are not from entirely different cultures, this is entirely built and not found.

 

So i see many girls having very high standards and expectation while they have no value to offer...How do i help them open up when they just stare at me wand not talk while expecting me to carry all the discussion?

Always call a woman on the phone first before deciding to ask her out or not. Solved.

Edited January 7, 2022 by 99girl

[vkap]

8 hours ago, ccas93 said:

I understand your frustrations. I think the caveat with self improvement is if you do it well and put yourself on the upper end of the bell curve, it can become hard to relate to the majority of the population who hasn't done it or never adopted a growth mindset. 

The other caveat is if you are a dude who has self improved and become a catch, well good luck on the apps, because a woman who is truly your match probably gets thousands of likes a day. 

You are right, its a number game. And because of the number mismatch i have seen too much rudeness because women can get away with it due to different numbers. If i behaved similarly to women i would be a "misogynist".

7 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I dont know, id venture that you not quite correct on that,

relax sit back let it flow, its not something that can be contrived or generated by a series of steps,

think of a date as a life story and enjoy

the connection or spark will happen, you know its not easy to predict when and with whom.

 

 

You might be right or wrong i dont know.

What i feel is everybody is responsible for their own passion. I make my spark, you make yours. You cant expect someone else to make things in your mood. Nor this is holliwood, i wont chase you to the airport  while you go away forever to end up kissing you. Those sit aint happen.

7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Nothing new here.

profikes are aspirational…not realistic.

there are peop,e out there looking fir fantasy and devoid of reality. They want to think they are swept off their feet and everything is perfect.  That’s not how it works.

 

 

True, agree

5 hours ago, kendahke said:

Im guessing that you read her profile, too, so why did you swipe right on it? She was a dud, but something in her profile made you overlook that--what was it? Was she hot looking?

The short answer to your question is: because this calibre of female doesn't have to... most guys who are not the self actualizing types fall for their shtick.  When they realize they're going to have to bring more to the table than their cootchie, they know they're out of their league.

Perhaps you need to restructure your profile to emphasize what you bring to the table as far as being self actualized and that you're looking for the same---or at least someone who has interests that don't involve the guy emptying their bank accounts in the process.

That's their heavy lift, not yours. You can't help them if they're not interested enough in that to have at least taken 5 steps down the path before you swipe right on their profile.

You are right, i did swipe right. Possibly cause i like meeting people face to face, more reliable. I mean after all in text they are fun but in close not. But you fall in love with the person, not in phone.

So yes, better searching is indeed the solution here.

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Have you ever felt a “magic spark”?

Yes, i also "created" on the other half for 5 years and said never again. No relationship is fun if you do all work.

3 hours ago, Cali Lisa said:

Dude, your job is to find the right girl for you, not to teach women new tricks. Keep exploring. Frustration is a part of every important process and, certainly, the quest of finding true love is important and difficult. You really thought God would reward you with Miss Right the moment you decided you have done a ton of work on yourself and you are done? Finding hobbies doesn't make you a good catch. You are still boring if you were boring before. You need to have fun with yourself and then you will find the woman with whom you will have fun. And most importantly, you need to be a good man, nobody cares about your hobbies.

You have a master's degree, but are you well-read? You have a job, but are you generous and money savvy? You are so full of yourself and so convinced that every woman you choose has no reason to reject you that you don't even focus on finding the right woman for you. Have patience. Everyone wants a quick fix these days. Love doesn't operate that way. 

I get some aggression here about thinking i deserve reward. Yes i do deserve. I am a high value person self improved in most aspects in my life and fought many of my fears alone. I deserve a high quality relationship too. Just wondering in the post, why most people want a high value partner when they arent high value themselves.

You misread (cause i didnt phrase it well) I was never boring, just a person with no means to experience things that overcame those limitations and did tons of achievements in personal growth. So i am not satisfied with just a pretty face, i want personality too.

1 hour ago, glows said:

Acknowledge you’re not on the same page. You may be physically attracted to these women but the matches are lacking intellectually, different maturity level. Don’t knock someone down for being more reserved or cautious. 

If you’re feeling angry and jaded resist the urge to date or see anyone. It just creates more problems for yourself. Take a breather and rethink your dating criteria.

You are right, these things happen too.

47 minutes ago, 99girl said:

Always call a woman on the phone first before deciding to ask her out or not. Solved.

 Cool idea. Thanks

[Weezy1973]

@vkap this basically sounds like you’re venting because you were rejected. Honestly that’s the nature of online dating. You just have to accept it and move on. If you let it bother you, you risk burning out, or worse getting bitter, both of which just lower your chances of finding a partner. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, vkap said:

  she begins slow texting "i really like you but i am just not feeling the magic click"

Try to relax and just meet up for a brief coffee to determine if there's enough chemistry for a second date.

Not every first meet is going to work out, that's ok. Just move forward.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, glows said:

You may be physically attracted to these women but the matches are lacking intellectually, different maturity level.

Maybe instead of making physical attractiveness the priority when choosing women you should only choose women who you are intelluctually compatible with.  Maybe then you'll find the high value woman you think you deserve.

 

1 hour ago, vkap said:

What i feel is everybody is responsible for their own passion. I make my spark, you make yours.

^With this you can create your own passion with the more intellectual woman.

[beentheredonethat77]

My guess is that they're not feeling the physical attraction in person  -- so check out of the effort.  I would use 'having no chemistry / magic' as an excuse when i didn't like the look of my date.  Are your pics an accurate reflection? 

I notice you say you dont just want a 'pretty face, but a good personality too'.   This is fair enough, but do you have a pretty face?::) .. Im just playing devils advocate because as someone who went through the dating experiences and is now in a high value relationship -- i can say that feeling the person physically in person -- was far more important to me than any of their extreme sport hobbies etc.   

[bene]

You have gone through a lot of self improvement - good for you! But you can’t argue someone into liking you. People don’t owe you for your efforts, they are just living their own lives. In OLD there can be many dates that don’t lead anywhere, this is life.

It’s somewhat unpopular advice but why not talk a bit longer before meeting to see if there is any rapport at all. You don’t need to become pen pals but you can get a feeling if you have anything in common at all. 

Call it a spark or whatever, you still need some kind of initial attraction to build on

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

i can say that feeling the person physically in person -- was far more important to me than any of their extreme sport hobbies etc.   

Yeah and good looking people usually want to date good looking people .

Edited January 7, 2022 by stillafool

[vkap]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@vkap this basically sounds like you’re venting because you were rejected. Honestly that’s the nature of online dating. You just have to accept it and move on. If you let it bother you, you risk burning out, or worse getting bitter, both of which just lower your chances of finding a partner. 

No. Post is 90% venting of people being completely delusional and think they deserve the world with no effort and 10% asking if indeed someone is quality date but just shy, how to unlock them into talking.

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to relax and just meet up for a brief coffee to determine if there's enough chemistry for a second date.

Not every first meet is going to work out, that's ok. Just move forward.

True

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

Maybe instead of making physical attractiveness the priority when choosing women you should only choose women who you are intelluctually compatible with.  Maybe then you'll find the high value woman you think you deserve.

 

^With this you can create your own passion with the more intellectual woman.

Yes indeed, apparently even asking for people to be able to have a nice conversation with equal effort is too much for them

3 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

My guess is that they're not feeling the physical attraction in person  -- so check out of the effort.  I would use 'having no chemistry / magic' as an excuse when i didn't like the look of my date.  Are your pics an accurate reflection? 

I notice you say you dont just want a 'pretty face, but a good personality too'.   This is fair enough, but do you have a pretty face?::) .. Im just playing devils advocate because as someone who went through the dating experiences and is now in a high value relationship -- i can say that feeling the person physically in person -- was far more important to me than any of their extreme sport hobbies etc.   

I have a decent appearance and even if not my profile pictures are the exact reality. Same haircut, beard, clothing i actually have so no surprises. Also they do seem to have fun in date, they overthink afterwards.

I didnt mention hobbies as a currency to buy the affection of people. I mention hobbies as a measure of activity, that some people are creative and you see the Plain Jane being on the couch all day and expecting prince charming

3 hours ago, bene said:

You have gone through a lot of self improvement - good for you! But you can’t argue someone into liking you. People don’t owe you for your efforts, they are just living their own lives. In OLD there can be many dates that don’t lead anywhere, this is life.

It’s somewhat unpopular advice but why not talk a bit longer before meeting to see if there is any rapport at all. You don’t need to become pen pals but you can get a feeling if you have anything in common at all. 

Call it a spark or whatever, you still need some kind of initial attraction to build on

Yes they dont owe me anything. I just state the irony. Its like being unhealthy and fat and then fat shame any girl that isnt victoria secret model.

You expect an interesting person with a cool story and all you do in your life is living with your parents at 30, work, sleep, see netflix repeat. Jesus you dont deserve interesting,

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Yeah and good looking people usually want to date good looking people .

I am freaking beautiful.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, vkap said:

You expect an interesting person with a cool story

I don’t think this is really at the top of the list for most people. Mutual attraction, compatible core values and similar relationship goals all seem to be more important than a “cool story”.

[Els]

So you met one girl from a dating site... and this led to you posting about "many girls" and questioning the way you spent the last 2 years of your life...?

If you want someone with interesting hobbies why not filter for those instead?

[ccas93]

4 hours ago, vkap said:

No. Post is 90% venting of people being completely delusional and think they deserve the world with no effort and 10% asking if indeed someone is quality date but just shy, how to unlock them into talking.

I didnt mention hobbies as a currency to buy the affection of people. I mention hobbies as a measure of activity, that some people are creative and you see the Plain Jane being on the couch all day and expecting prince charming

Yes they dont owe me anything. I just state the irony. Its like being unhealthy and fat and then fat shame any girl that isnt victoria secret model.

You expect an interesting person with a cool story and all you do in your life is living with your parents at 30, work, sleep, see netflix repeat. Jesus you dont deserve interesting,

 

Yep. I understand that irony all too well. Here's what I'm guessing is going on with you, which I've experienced myself.

You work on yourself over the years, develop yourself into this interesting person with unique life experiences and passions, thinking it's going to play into your favor and at least people will give you a chance and talk to you and see what you're about. Then Jane with a slightly above average looking face, but no apparent interests besides pop culture, partying and netflix and working a job she's not passionate about, thinks she's hot stuff because she's decent looking, and it's your job to entertain her. Her friends and simp followers on Instagram have also told her she's a queen on her 500 pictures she's posted of herself. With each picture of her butt she posts, she gets more and more random followers, and she starts thinking she's an influencer or celebrity of sorts. 

Then you somehow get one of them out on a date, because she's what's available to you, and she doesn't contribute any thoughts of value to the date, and you are willing to give her another chance wondering if she was just shy, but then says she doesn't feel a spark. With conversational abilities like that, you wonder how she "feels a spark" with anyone. It's literally only a step or two above talking to a tree stump. 

Then you screen for higher quality women, and they either don't know you exist, or have enormous egos. It's less the fact that they are actually bad people in real life, but more the fact that they have so many options, and your existence to her is just a few pictures and a some words on her phone screen. And these kind of women might even think it's weak that a handsome, interesting dude is trying to meet women online instead of having balls and approaching in person. 

I've been on and off dating apps since 2014. I call them mediocrity apps now and just use them when I want something casual. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by ccas93

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

You work on yourself over the years, develop yourself into this interesting person with unique life experiences and passions,

Again, this isn’t exactly at the top of the wish list for most daters. Also different people have different opinions on what’s interesting. Working on yourself is great, but focusing on making yourself “interesting” is going to have limited results because there isn’t exactly a universally accepted notion of what is interesting.

[ccas93]

8 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Again, this isn’t exactly at the top of the wish list for most daters. Also different people have different opinions on what’s interesting. Working on yourself is great, but focusing on making yourself “interesting” is going to have limited results because there isn’t exactly a universally accepted notion of what is interesting.

I don't disagree with you. I also don't think one should make themselves "interesting" just to gain approval from potential dates. 

If you work on yourself a lot and become different than the norm, then yeah you probably aren't going to appeal to people who are more "basic" with their interests. Which is statistically the majority of people. Which is one of the things I believe to be caveats (I mentioned earlier) with the whole self improvement thing. 

 

 

 

Edited January 7, 2022 by ccas93

[beentheredonethat77]

I agree with the posters who are saying this whole "interesting" and "unique story" .. doesn't make someone high value.  It just makes them interesting and unique? -Those qualities are only (maybe, potentially..) bonuses after the fundamental chemistry requirements of real chemistry .. (physical and otherwise). 

I dont say this to diminish all the work you've done on yourself as im a huge advocate of continuous self-improvement.  That said -- a man can have all the interesting stories in the world..and be self-actualized.. but if i dont want to kiss him or picture myself being intimate with him then at best it makes for a wonderful interesting date with a potential good friend -- at worst (and im not saying this is you -- but i have experienced this) a man who is so full of himself he cant stop talking about all of his incredible adventures and (frankly, 'had to be there') stories ----and no physical chemistry whatsoever.

Now if you are a good looking guy (you said 'decent'.. so you ideally you are searching for women who you are in same 'decent' category), a good person with good values who gives back -- AND you have interesting stories and hobbies (again, only a bonus, potentially) --then it may be a numbers game of dating tens of ladies before you find someone you feel is your level quality wise.    

I do think online dating can be a little de-humanzing (we are all a lot more than a few pics and cheesy comments.. we all have backstories of challenges and triumphs) but everyone is in same boat.  Everyone on there has interesting stories -- even the 'boring' ones... havn't gone through life on earth without something of value to share. Its not perfect but i much prefer having it as an option than having to get dressed up and go out to bars and clubs to meet someone.   I met my 'needle in a haystack' boyfriend on bumble and im grateful every day i swiped on that cheesy profile of his:). I never saw him as 'weak' for having to be on a dating site (as one poster said) just a busy professional who hated the whole bar schmooze/pick - up  scene (perfect for me).  

Edited January 8, 2022 by beentheredonethat77

[dramafreezone]

What you're describing is the norm.   80% of guys are going through the same thing.  Nothing to do but keep grinding, it's a numbers game.

[mortensorchid]

I feel you.  People have told me all the time "who wouldn't be happy with you?" Or "who would ever break up with you?" (Meaning me, of course, not you).  I have a lot to offer, I promise a lot of wonderful things and a wonderful future.  Why doesn't IT happen for me?  Like IT won't happen for you?  You might as well ask me what the meaning of life is, because I don't know that either.  You do things that are supposed to make you better / happy, improve yourself, work hard, etc.  And what happens?  No one recognizes it.  Instead they get jealous or they put down your accomplishments, or they act like it's not that big a deal to them either.  

I went out with some real losers in my day thanks to OLDing.  Sometimes I wonder if they ever think of me or some of the other women they go out on OLDS with that they meet once then walk away from.  

All I can say is that it wasn't right for you two to be together.  There is a Mr. or Miss Right out there but there are also many Mr. and Miss Wrongs.  So, so, so many of them.