bfs communication has become a red flag.

[GloriaDaisy]

Ive been dating this guy for about 2.5 months. Things are starting to get serious like we have met each others family, friends and went on vacation together.  He has shown a lot of kindness towards me but i feel sometimes its reached a turning out where the true colours come out. We haven't had any fights up until yesterday. A red flag has shown up in terms of communication. I realized that maybe he has major issues with communication. 

My bf smokes a lot of weed. Ive learned to accept it because thats just how it is. I dont smoke at all. Yesterday there was a big cloud of smoke billowing in my face and I reacted with coughing and trying to wave it out of my face. Sometimes the smoke is just really strong and hard to be around. 

He made a very sharp comment that  I need to deal with his smoking and stop making comments about it . How hes never gonna change for me. When i responded, he said how defensive i get and how annoying its become. It was just kinda of out of left field, and his tone was slightly hurtful and rude. About a half hour went by and he asked me what was wrong, and i calmly told him that his comments came off rude and hurtful to me. 

At that point my bf became very triggered. He started to become very upset, saying things like " youre trying to start a fight,  youre acting crazy, youre making things up in your head, waving his finger in my face telling me to settle down, how im trying to ruin his day by starting a big fight out of nothing and how he wont tolerate it" ...he didnt let me speak a single word, over powering me , telling me how wrong i was. I was blown away. All i was trying to do was open up about how he  came across to me and how it felt rude. And he was completed triggered, which was very unsettling for me.

I truly felt it could of been resolved by him saying ' i didnt mean to come across that way, im sorry, lets move on" but he complelty lost it on me. I didnt yell, or react, i just packed my stuff up and left his house. Over 24 hours end by and he didnt message me., when i said we needed to talk he ignored me.  Finally his morning I attempted to work things out but felt even more misunderstood.

I told him, I should be able to feel safe to express how things feel or come across to him without him flipping out on me. I just wanted him to care about my feelings regardless. I dont want to feel scared to set him off by explaining my feelings. 

but I wanted to resolve the issue between us. He just kept repeating, how crazy im acting, how silly all of this is, and all of this could of been avoided but i wanted to start a fight. How he doesnt have the energy to entertainment this type of BS. I told him how i cared about him, and wanted things to be okay between us...but again, he seemed annoyed by my attempts and we didnt see eye to eye. I just felt worse. All i wanted was for him to say im sorry i hurt you. lets try to work on it.

At this point, i dont know what to do. How can i be with someone that is unwilling to talk things out with me, and just calls me wrong for starting a fight when all im doing this speaking up for myself. This feels like manipulation and again a red flag. Trying to communicate is getting no where with him. Should i break up with him? I dont want to feel belittled by a man for standing up for myself. I feel so turned off by him, i dont even wanna see him again. but at the same time, i truly care about him, this is hard

[Wiseman2]

At 10 weeks it good to observe these dealbreakers and red flags. Cut your losses and free yourself to date more compatible men.

[glows]

You don't smoke and he does, quite a bit. My ex was a pothead, quit, started up again quite heavily towards the end of our marriage claiming that he was curious about it as a there are now so many different strains. It didn't bother me at the time because I never smoked it but noticed a lot of changes in him from libido to mood swings and severe paranoia. My guess is that you've not been around a lot of people who smoke a lot of this and are confused about why he's behaving this way. 

He also sounds like he's got a real chip on his shoulder as if others have judged him or told him not to smoke too much (perhaps other girlfriends in the past). 

Why be around someone whose priorities or interests are so different from yours? 

And please look out for your own health. Being around that secondhand smoke isn't a good idea especially if you're predisposed to asthma for ie.

[GloriaDaisy]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

At 10 weeks it good to observe these dealbreakers and red flags. Cut your losses and free yourself to date more compatible men.

you think i should end it? 

[GloriaDaisy]

42 minutes ago, glows said:

You don't smoke and he does, quite a bit. My ex was a pothead, quit, started up again quite heavily towards the end of our marriage claiming that he was curious about it as a there are now so many different strains. It didn't bother me at the time because I never smoked it but noticed a lot of changes in him from libido to mood swings and severe paranoia. My guess is that you've not been around a lot of people who smoke a lot of this and are confused about why he's behaving this way. 

He also sounds like he's got a real chip on his shoulder as if others have judged him or told him not to smoke too much (perhaps other girlfriends in the past). 

Why be around someone whose priorities or interests are so different from yours? 

And please look out for your own health. Being around that secondhand smoke isn't a good idea especially if you're predisposed to asthma for ie.

you make a really good point. My last bf was a big pothead too. And for some reason i would forgot the connection between the mood swings and sex drive. and just behavioral stuff. My current bf smokes probably 15 joints a day. its a lot. 

[glows]

18 minutes ago, GloriaDaisy said:

you make a really good point. My last bf was a big pothead too. And for some reason i would forgot the connection between the mood swings and sex drive. and just behavioral stuff. My current bf smokes probably 15 joints a day. its a lot. 

Yes, it is.

[Pumpernickel]

Sounds like he doesn’t care if you break up with him or not. He seems completely indifferent (not atypical for a pothead, imo).

You’ve done all the talking after the fight, you’ve tried to reconnect & explain - while he’s done nothing. Let that sink in. After less than 3 months, this should be a no-brainer. He doesn’t care. At least he doesn’t care while he’s smoking pot. Because that’s clearly the priority here. And he smokes a lot. You take 2nd place. Don’t make any more effort. You’ve tried hard enough. 

[BaileyB]

On 1/6/2022 at 2:56 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

At this point, i dont know what to do.

That would be the end of the relationship for me. First, I’m not interested in dating someone who smokes weed. Second, I’m not staying with any man who speaks to me this way. 

[spiderowl]

On 1/6/2022 at 8:56 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

Ive been dating this guy for about 2.5 months. Things are starting to get serious like we have met each others family, friends and went on vacation together.  He has shown a lot of kindness towards me but i feel sometimes its reached a turning out where the true colours come out. We haven't had any fights up until yesterday. A red flag has shown up in terms of communication. I realized that maybe he has major issues with communication. 

My bf smokes a lot of weed. Ive learned to accept it because thats just how it is. I dont smoke at all. Yesterday there was a big cloud of smoke billowing in my face and I reacted with coughing and trying to wave it out of my face. Sometimes the smoke is just really strong and hard to be around. 

He made a very sharp comment that  I need to deal with his smoking and stop making comments about it . How hes never gonna change for me. When i responded, he said how defensive i get and how annoying its become. It was just kinda of out of left field, and his tone was slightly hurtful and rude. About a half hour went by and he asked me what was wrong, and i calmly told him that his comments came off rude and hurtful to me. 

At that point my bf became very triggered. He started to become very upset, saying things like " youre trying to start a fight,  youre acting crazy, youre making things up in your head, waving his finger in my face telling me to settle down, how im trying to ruin his day by starting a big fight out of nothing and how he wont tolerate it" ...he didnt let me speak a single word, over powering me , telling me how wrong i was. I was blown away. All i was trying to do was open up about how he  came across to me and how it felt rude. And he was completed triggered, which was very unsettling for me.

I truly felt it could of been resolved by him saying ' i didnt mean to come across that way, im sorry, lets move on" but he complelty lost it on me. I didnt yell, or react, i just packed my stuff up and left his house. Over 24 hours end by and he didnt message me., when i said we needed to talk he ignored me.  Finally his morning I attempted to work things out but felt even more misunderstood.

I told him, I should be able to feel safe to express how things feel or come across to him without him flipping out on me. I just wanted him to care about my feelings regardless. I dont want to feel scared to set him off by explaining my feelings. 

but I wanted to resolve the issue between us. He just kept repeating, how crazy im acting, how silly all of this is, and all of this could of been avoided but i wanted to start a fight. How he doesnt have the energy to entertainment this type of BS. I told him how i cared about him, and wanted things to be okay between us...but again, he seemed annoyed by my attempts and we didnt see eye to eye. I just felt worse. All i wanted was for him to say im sorry i hurt you. lets try to work on it.

At this point, i dont know what to do. How can i be with someone that is unwilling to talk things out with me, and just calls me wrong for starting a fight when all im doing this speaking up for myself. This feels like manipulation and again a red flag. Trying to communicate is getting no where with him. Should i break up with him? I dont want to feel belittled by a man for standing up for myself. I feel so turned off by him, i dont even wanna see him again. but at the same time, i truly care about him, this is hard

Wow, I'm really sorry this happened!  You didn't do anything wrong at all.  You brushed away smoke that he should be protecting you from and then he goes on a rant.  You expressed yourself very well (before he started to flip out and talked over you) and did the wise thing by leaving straight away.

You have tried to get him to talk this through with you and he won't, he is blaming you.  I'm afraid this guy has just shown you who he really is.  He does not respect your feelings and he does not care if the smoke from his habit bothers you or harms you.

It is hard when you really liked someone and then they show their true colours.  I do think you should break up with him.  He should be trying to contact you to apologise and he is not doing that.  He is stuck in his ways and no woman on earth is going to change them - unless he decides to give up his habit of course, which is not likely to happen soon.  You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, don't you?  This guys is not going to do that.  If it were me, I might give him a day to apologise profusely and assure me it will never happen again.  If he does not do this (without me having to ask him to talk to to meet), then I would finish with him.  You are wasting your time, your intelligence and your social sensitivity on a guy who is not capable of being what you need.

Edited January 8, 2022 by spiderowl

[introverted1]

On 1/6/2022 at 5:50 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

you make a really good point. My last bf was a big pothead too. And for some reason i would forgot the connection between the mood swings and sex drive. and just behavioral stuff. My current bf smokes probably 15 joints a day. its a lot. 

How does he hold down a job?

Sounds like there are bigger issues here.

[chillii]

Were you being all those things though and what about before you could no longer get a word in. My partners 51 and as cool as she is, she also has absolutely no idea of what a nag she can be.  But that was just my first question l'm not sticking up for your bf, getting to that. On his weed , you probably are on his case about it it's very common in gf;s to be on their bf;s case about all kinds of things, but just bc you don;t approve means nothing really , that's you, but he likes his weed and that's him. On the way he acted yeah of course , sounds like he went off way over board. But l also wonder if your aware of how far and how often you go with him or push him to do this or not do that or trying to change him. Bc many women have no idea and when they tell the story they're mother Teresa. 

Edited January 9, 2022 by chillii

[Calmandfocused]

Op why did you agree to date someone who smokes weed in the first place? Secondly, why you did you open the door to your whole life to this weed smoker after 2.5 months of dating? Don’t you think you’ve done things a bit too quick? Running before you can walk? 
 

At this point in the game you have no idea if this man is compatible with you. And what this incident tells you is clearly he is not. 
 

I can promise you that this is only the start to the issues you will experience with him due to the weed smoking. Despite the repeated excuses, rationales and “it doesn’t affect affect any area of my life” exclamations, I can assure you that it will affect every aspect of your relationship. 
 

End this now and stop dating anyone who smokes anything. Aside from the above reasons it absolutely stinks! 

[bene]

What is there to resolve if this is his way of handling conflict? Want a lifetime of this, to hear how you’re crazy and how you have no say in matters concerning him? Are you really ok with his heavy use of weed and see a future with him constantly stoned?

I’m surprised that you feel like you need to make amends instead of expecting an apology from him. Personally I would end things, it’s only been so many months and things should be smooth and easy at this point.

[chillii]

There's more to it but never the less, l agree.

Edited January 9, 2022 by chillii

[ASG]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

Were you being all those things though and what about before you could no longer get a word in. My partners 51 and as cool as she is, she also has absolutely no idea of what a nag she can be.  But that was just my first question l'm not sticking up for your bf, getting to that. On his weed , you probably are on his case about it it's very common in gf;s to be on their bf;s case about all kinds of things, but just bc you don;t approve means nothing really , that's you, but he likes his weed and that's him. On the way he acted yeah of course , sounds like he went off way over board. But l also wonder if your aware of how far and how often you go with him or push him to do this or not do that or trying to change him. Bc many women have no idea and when they tell the story they're mother Teresa. 

Wow... Way to victim blame, here. 

It honestly doesn't even matter if she "nags" him. 

She waved smoke away from her face, he went ballistic and when she tried ti express that she felt hurt by his reaction, he doubled down on it. 

That's what matters here. His reaction. And how he's unable to talk through issues without blowing up in her face. 

Everything else is moot. 

[Gaeta]

This is the tip of the iceburg. This man is showing you he's abusive and narcisist, beleive him. Yes break up!! 

There are many lessons learn here.

1. Do not date potheads

2. Take your time to get to know someone before introducing family and friends

3. Breakup when they have temper tantrum at 2.5 month dating. Over powering you? Do not ever accept that type of attitude toward you! Today it's overpowering you and next year he'll shove you against a wall. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would end it right here. 

He sounds like an immature and angry ass who smokes way too much weed. 

At 2.5 months, you're seeing major red flags. I would not bother waiting around for those to become even bigger problems, because you likely haven't even seen the worst of it yet. 

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, ASG said:

She waved smoke away from her face, he went ballistic and when she tried ti express that she felt hurt by his reaction, he doubled down on it. 

That's what matters here. His reaction. And how he's unable to talk through issues without blowing up in her face. 

Absolutely this is the issue.  

On 1/6/2022 at 12:56 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

He started to become very upset, saying things like " youre trying to start a fight,  youre acting crazy, youre making things up in your head, waving his finger in my face

Bolded, any man who waves his finger in my face, especially at only 2.5 months in gets NEXTED real fast. No matter how intoxicating the chemistry. 

OP, he needs to be gone.  Done. Next. 

I'm sorry. 

Edited January 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

End it...this whole episode is him gaslighting you. That's abuse. If he was a gentleman he would have gone outside to have a puff out of respect....you know a compromise. Instead he's a self entitled jerk.

[Acacia98]

On 1/6/2022 at 11:56 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

My bf smokes a lot of weed. Ive learned to accept it because thats just how it is. I dont smoke at all. Yesterday there was a big cloud of smoke billowing in my face and I reacted with coughing and trying to wave it out of my face. 

If you're dating someone who smokes (weed or nicotine) and they're originally very considerate about not smoking next to you, pay attention when they start filling shared spaces with smoke, forcing you to inhale it. That's contempt, plain and simple. It's time to walk away with your dignity intact. All the other stuff he's done fits in with the idea that he's stopped caring about you.

[Versacehottie]

On 1/6/2022 at 2:36 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

you think i should end it? 

Yes there are 100 reasons why you should end it with this guy.  I hope you do. Good luck xo

[Versacehottie]

I'm just going to point out the number one reason you should break up with him:

Because you are treating yourself as "less than" already and compromising yourself. 

Good for you to ask the question and consider breaking up with him; now follow through

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 1/6/2022 at 12:56 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

Ive been dating this guy for about 2.5 months. Things are starting to get serious like we have met each others family, friends and went on vacation together.  He has shown a lot of kindness towards me but i feel sometimes its reached a turning out where the true colours come out. We haven't had any fights up until yesterday. A red flag has shown up in terms of communication. I realized that maybe he has major issues with communication. 

My bf smokes a lot of weed. Ive learned to accept it because thats just how it is. I dont smoke at all. Yesterday there was a big cloud of smoke billowing in my face and I reacted with coughing and trying to wave it out of my face. Sometimes the smoke is just really strong and hard to be around. 

He made a very sharp comment that  I need to deal with his smoking and stop making comments about it . How hes never gonna change for me. When i responded, he said how defensive i get and how annoying its become. It was just kinda of out of left field, and his tone was slightly hurtful and rude. About a half hour went by and he asked me what was wrong, and i calmly told him that his comments came off rude and hurtful to me. 

At that point my bf became very triggered. He started to become very upset, saying things like " youre trying to start a fight,  youre acting crazy, youre making things up in your head, waving his finger in my face telling me to settle down, how im trying to ruin his day by starting a big fight out of nothing and how he wont tolerate it" ...he didnt let me speak a single word, over powering me , telling me how wrong i was. I was blown away. All i was trying to do was open up about how he  came across to me and how it felt rude. And he was completed triggered, which was very unsettling for me.

I truly felt it could of been resolved by him saying ' i didnt mean to come across that way, im sorry, lets move on" but he complelty lost it on me. I didnt yell, or react, i just packed my stuff up and left his house. Over 24 hours end by and he didnt message me., when i said we needed to talk he ignored me.  Finally his morning I attempted to work things out but felt even more misunderstood.

I told him, I should be able to feel safe to express how things feel or come across to him without him flipping out on me. I just wanted him to care about my feelings regardless. I dont want to feel scared to set him off by explaining my feelings. 

but I wanted to resolve the issue between us. He just kept repeating, how crazy im acting, how silly all of this is, and all of this could of been avoided but i wanted to start a fight. How he doesnt have the energy to entertainment this type of BS. I told him how i cared about him, and wanted things to be okay between us...but again, he seemed annoyed by my attempts and we didnt see eye to eye. I just felt worse. All i wanted was for him to say im sorry i hurt you. lets try to work on it.

At this point, i dont know what to do. How can i be with someone that is unwilling to talk things out with me, and just calls me wrong for starting a fight when all im doing this speaking up for myself. This feels like manipulation and again a red flag. Trying to communicate is getting no where with him. Should i break up with him? I dont want to feel belittled by a man for standing up for myself. I feel so turned off by him, i dont even wanna see him again. but at the same time, i truly care about him, this is hard

 

 

Good lord - if it isn't time to D.T.M.F.A.,   then when IS???

[missgangrene]

On 1/6/2022 at 8:56 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

Ive been dating this guy for about 2.5 months. Things are starting to get serious like we have met each others family, friends and went on vacation together.  He has shown a lot of kindness towards me but i feel sometimes its reached a turning out where the true colours come out. We haven't had any fights up until yesterday. A red flag has shown up in terms of communication. I realized that maybe he has major issues with communication. 

My bf smokes a lot of weed. Ive learned to accept it because thats just how it is. I dont smoke at all. Yesterday there was a big cloud of smoke billowing in my face and I reacted with coughing and trying to wave it out of my face. Sometimes the smoke is just really strong and hard to be around. 

He made a very sharp comment that  I need to deal with his smoking and stop making comments about it . How hes never gonna change for me. When i responded, he said how defensive i get and how annoying its become. It was just kinda of out of left field, and his tone was slightly hurtful and rude. About a half hour went by and he asked me what was wrong, and i calmly told him that his comments came off rude and hurtful to me. 

At that point my bf became very triggered. He started to become very upset, saying things like " youre trying to start a fight,  youre acting crazy, youre making things up in your head, waving his finger in my face telling me to settle down, how im trying to ruin his day by starting a big fight out of nothing and how he wont tolerate it" ...he didnt let me speak a single word, over powering me , telling me how wrong i was. I was blown away. All i was trying to do was open up about how he  came across to me and how it felt rude. And he was completed triggered, which was very unsettling for me.

I truly felt it could of been resolved by him saying ' i didnt mean to come across that way, im sorry, lets move on" but he complelty lost it on me. I didnt yell, or react, i just packed my stuff up and left his house. Over 24 hours end by and he didnt message me., when i said we needed to talk he ignored me.  Finally his morning I attempted to work things out but felt even more misunderstood.

I told him, I should be able to feel safe to express how things feel or come across to him without him flipping out on me. I just wanted him to care about my feelings regardless. I dont want to feel scared to set him off by explaining my feelings. 

but I wanted to resolve the issue between us. He just kept repeating, how crazy im acting, how silly all of this is, and all of this could of been avoided but i wanted to start a fight. How he doesnt have the energy to entertainment this type of BS. I told him how i cared about him, and wanted things to be okay between us...but again, he seemed annoyed by my attempts and we didnt see eye to eye. I just felt worse. All i wanted was for him to say im sorry i hurt you. lets try to work on it.

At this point, i dont know what to do. How can i be with someone that is unwilling to talk things out with me, and just calls me wrong for starting a fight when all im doing this speaking up for myself. This feels like manipulation and again a red flag. Trying to communicate is getting no where with him. Should i break up with him? I dont want to feel belittled by a man for standing up for myself. I feel so turned off by him, i dont even wanna see him again. but at the same time, i truly care about him, this is hard

Several red flags. You should be able to be communicate your feelings without being shutdown and accused of “acting crazy.” When people respond that way to a legitimate concern, they’re just trying to get you to question yourself and to stop expressing your feelings. Not wanting weed to be blown in your face is a legitimate concern. It has a distinctive smell and no one wants to smell like that, especially if it’s illegal where you live. 
 

I smoke sometimes and I have friends who smoke quite a bit. Statistically, it’s rare for people to become addicted to weed, but it does happen. 15 joints every day is a LOT. That basically means he’s high all day and doesn’t know how to function without it. He responded that way to you because he knows the constant smoking bothers you. Basically, he got mad because you have a problem with his addiction. 
 

This will not get better unless he accepts that he has a problem, and it’s not your responsibility to help him with it. Cut your losses before things get worse. 

[ShyViolet]

You absolutely need to break up with this guy.

Not only was he a huge jerk and really mean to you, but when you tried to talk to him about it and resolve it later, he didn't even seem interested in resolving it.  He just doubled down on his jerky attitude towards you and proceeded to be mean and rude to you more.  No one with any self-respect would give this guy another minute of their time.