Physx Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 I've been with someone now for about 10mos. A few months ago, we broke up for three weeks. It's a real long story as to what happened. In short, our love was VERY intense right from the start, to the point where it was overwhelming for both of us. We started arguing a lot, there was tons of tension, and we ended up breaking up for a few weeks. Three weeks after the breakup, we were too miserable without each other to just give up. She reached out to me, we had a VERY long talk about everything that went wrong, we both worked hard on fixing the issues over those next few weeks, and we've been much better ever since. Any time we have a hiccup, we reconcile it quick. There is only one lingering issue, her sex drive. Prior to our breakup, we had sex almost every day. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Since we reconciled, it seemed her sex drive wasn't as much as it had been, but it was still modest. But more recently, like the last few weeks, it is REALLY hit or miss. She says it's because she is dealing with both depression as well as still healing from the issues that happened with us previously. I know she has struggled with depression off and on since prior to us getting together. I do know it has been worse lately. It's just confusing to me that everything else with us is amazing, and it's only the sex that is a problem. We both said ideally, sex every other day is great and what we typically like in relationships. We currently have sex probably twice a week on average. Albeit we don't live together, and I don't see her on Mon, Tues, or Thurs because of work and working out. Still, I'm not used to her shooting me down half the time like she does now. It was extremely, extremely rare she would ever turn me down in the past. Lately, there are times where she flat out tells me she has absolutely no sex drive and turns me down without even trying. No foreplay, no kissing, no nothing. Won't even give it a chance when she's not in the mood. It's really disheartening to me, because I'm thinking that she said she used to like to have sex every other day in the past with exes, had it almost every day with me prior to our breakup, and now, twice a week is normal and three times is like a huge deal. I mean depression kills my sex drive too, but she had depression prior to this and still wanted me all the time. So, it's hard to not take it personally. I know she doesn't look at porn, doesn't masturbate, and isn't looking elsewhere, so it's not like it's less with me and her using other resources for sexual gratification. Just really confusing to me since everything except our sex life is great right now. I just have no clue what to do to help fix it, other than time to heal. Anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to try to fix this?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 Relationship problems can dramatically affect one's sexual desire for their partner. And your relationship sounds like it has been riddled with issues. While you are back together now, it doesn't necessarily mean those problems won't have longer-term effects. I would exercise some patience here, OP, and not pressure her into having sex more frequently than she's comfortable with. Don't compare yourself to her previous relationships, either. That shouldn't even be part of the discussion. 1
Happy Lemming Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 Personally, I don't stick around when I start hearing "no" multiple times when I ask for sex. If she is "shooting you down - 50% of the time" you ask for sex, it is time to move on. I've dated women who were depressed and had other issues and I didn't put up with a 50% reduction in sex. If she isn't in the mood, she can offer you a quickie or "cold pizza sex" (a term I learned on Loveshack). This is only going to get worse, right now she has you cut down to twice a week, then it will be once a week, then once every two weeks, then once a month, etc. and you'll be expected to put up with it. My advice... Next!! There are plenty of "fish in the sea". Happy fishing!! 1
Otter2569 Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 35 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Personally, I don't stick around when I start hearing "no" multiple times when I ask for sex. If she is "shooting you down - 50% of the time" you ask for sex, it is time to move on. I've dated women who were depressed and had other issues and I didn't put up with a 50% reduction in sex. If she isn't in the mood, she can offer you a quickie or "cold pizza sex" (a term I learned on Loveshack). This is only going to get worse, right now she has you cut down to twice a week, then it will be once a week, then once every two weeks, then once a month, etc. and you'll be expected to put up with it. My advice... Next!! There are plenty of "fish in the sea". Happy fishing!! I gotta agree that a huge drop off in sex is a red flag for me too. While I may hang on for a little longer to see if it is just a phase I would also be on the lookout for something new. I recently went through something similar and it all started with a drop in sex, depression meds then weight gain and a generally confining existence.
Happy Lemming Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 4 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: While I may hang on for a little longer to see if it is just a phase I would also be on the lookout for something new. Yes... life is too short to be unhappy and not have your needs met. If I was the OP, I'd be actively trying to find a replacement... this situation is NOT going to get better, only worse. I think this woman is is still angry about something (maybe some issues with the breakup) and is using sex as a weapon. She has the ability to take care of the OP and did so in the past, she is choosing to now say "no" for some reason (she is not disclosing). Depression doesn't just occur overnight, she was having "crazy" everyday sex with him a few months ago, now she is refusing him (seems rather vengeful to me).
Otter2569 Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Yes... life is too short to be unhappy and not have your needs met. If I was the OP, I'd be actively trying to find a replacement... this situation is NOT going to get better, only worse. That is totally my motto! I'll spend time getting to know someone and even stick around during tough times but if I am not feeling it or if my needs are not being met then I am gone, brother! And that goes for more than just sex (attitude, family, financial stability, alcohol or drug use...). 1
poppyfields Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 (edited) OP, I am going to have to disagree with advice that you should find her 'replacement.' IMO, that's not what you do when in love with and committed to your partner and experiencing problems. A casual relationship, sure. Next her and go out and find her replacement. But NOT when you are truly in love and committed the way you appear to be with your girlfriend. Have you tried counseling? It sounds like she has a block, something preventing her from letting go and becoming vulnerable with you, sexually and otherwise. It may be because of past issues and being hurt, but I think since you truly love each other, it's worth a shot finding out. Edited January 6, 2022 by poppyfields
Happy Lemming Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 29 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Have you tried counseling? Really?? Counseling?? They've only been dating 10 months and were broken up part of that time. I could see if they had been married for 25 years, but its a 10 month (on and off again) relationship that isn't working out...
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 4 hours ago, Physx said: I've been with someone now for about 10mos. I mean depression kills my sex drive too, but she had depression prior to this and still wanted me all the time. Cut your losses. It's just generating resentment on both sides and the relationship has already had on/off issues. 1
Els Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 (edited) Okay, I'm a little confused about the logistics. You say you only see each other 4 times a week, you are having sex twice a week, and you are being turned down half of the time. So that means you are expecting to have sex literally every night that you spend together...? I mean, it's obviously your prerogative to want whatever you want, but that's not a particularly realistic expectation IMO. If you are having sex every single night that you spend together, are you really able to put in the time and effort to make sure that both people are satisfied? Also, one thing that stands out to me is that you said you were having sex every day prior to your breakup... so you were spending every day together then, but not now? That said, if you have only been together for 10 MONTHS and had a major breakup in that time, maybe it's just not meant to be... Edited January 6, 2022 by Elswyth 1
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