ciscad Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) Ok, i think I am venting more than asking advice because I have been sad about the circumstances I am in. I would like your views, judgement, or whatever.. i just need people to talk too. BTW, i'm female. TL;DR. So, I serve in the military and I have been in 6 months training and in 3 weeks from now I will be graduating. During my 6 months, i became close friends with a guy who I eventually fell for, we were very close friends and I eventually told him how I felt. I made it clear that I was ok that he didn’t feel the same way, in addition, the training environment isn’t the place for this kinda stuff, he agreed and expressed he wanted to remain friends as well. However, after time went by he started to distance himself from me in where having a conversation with him was getting harder and harder. I tried to keep a distance from him, I would talk to him like for 3-5 min tops and mostly once or twice a week... I didn't want to make it look I was some girl who was trying to get more out of the friendship, but just a friend who was trying to retain the friendship. Thing is, every time I tried to talk to him he would get flakey, taciturned, and sometimes rude. So eventually, I had to talk to him about it, and he just couldn’t see me as a friend anymore... this lead to a huge argument with him about this which caused the communication and friendship to completely die. It’s 2 months after and I have stopped talking to him ever since.. and I eventually came to the realization and understanding of his side of things, however, I am so hurt as to how I was cut off. I actually cared more about us remaining friends than going further, which is impossible anyway given the environment and job that we have. We are about to graduate 3 weeks from now, in where we will part our separate ways however there is such bitterness and grief in me as to how our circumstances are. A part of me wants to have a final talk with him, in hopes we can be in good terms or (better) reconcile, however I just don't know if i can just initiate a conversation anymore, because it would also be wrong for me to do so.. Should I try to reconcile/seek closure for this or no? Edited January 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited for clarity Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) [ ] Sorry to hear it ended this way. Kudos to them for trying keep the friendship, but it was destined to go pear shaped after a one sided declaration of love. Thing is, expressing feelings to a friend is a very effective way to end a relationship. They can't retain a close friend who has feelings for them because it's weird and awkward, not just now, but also in the future when they find a partner. No new partner will want a friend hanging about who still harbors feelings. The space they are giving you now will give you the emotional space to move on. Try and move on and leave this behind you. Edited January 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator respond to edited content 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) Try to put this in perspective as it may help not feel like this is a terrible slight or loss. You’ve known him for less than a year. While it was good camaraderie during the training, how could he know you or vice versa in such a short period? It sounds like it was difficult for you to speak with him after you told him how you felt. He probably didn’t feel comfortable afterwards either or want to feel responsible for leading you on. It’s best to leave this alone and respect his choices too. You had a choice whether or not to say anything. Both of you have the choice to back away if you’re not comfortable any longer. I doubt this friendship would have lasted at the same intensity either and it was bound to fade after training and moving on with your careers. It’s tough to see it now because you like him but this will pass. Edited January 4, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 Also, I'm wondering why there was a huge argument about him not wanting to be friends anymore. In reality, the only practical response to someone telling you this is "I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you luck for the future" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciscad Posted January 4, 2022 Author Share Posted January 4, 2022 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: Also, I'm wondering why there was a huge argument about him not wanting to be friends anymore. In reality, the only practical response to someone telling you this is "I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you luck for the future" Because he was thinking i was orbiting.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciscad Posted January 4, 2022 Author Share Posted January 4, 2022 2 hours ago, basil67 said: [ ] Sorry to hear it ended this way. Kudos to them for trying keep the friendship, but it was destined to go pear shaped after a one sided declaration of love. Thing is, expressing feelings to a friend is a very effective way to end a relationship. They can't retain a close friend who has feelings for them because it's weird and awkward, not just now, but also in the future when they find a partner. No new partner will want a friend hanging about who still harbors feelings. The space they are giving you now will give you the emotional space to move on. Try and move on and leave this behind you. Thanks for your post. I understand that as well, but keep in mind me and him are in the military and in training.. there is no "future" because by this month we both will graduate and depart to where our orders go. We are not allowed to have any romantic relationships here. It's hard not to want because we are human but having friends here that are like family is a lot better than having a BF or GF. The issue isn't about getting a relationship with him, but fixing the broken friendship. It is very lonely for us soldiers when we are at a detachment, so having a group that you've been close with since the start helps a lot. It's a different level of friendship and camaraderie that does cross the lines of love that doesn't have to be an actual relationship. I think those in the military would understand this kind of relationship. My sadness is more on a broken friendship, in fact the podcasts i listen to is about broken friendships, not anything about ex's or crushes. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 I haven't been in the military, so I can't begin to understand when you speak of the level of love which isn't an actual relationship. But from the way you describe 'falling for him' it does sound like regular romantic love and this is how he interpreted it. As you knew that a relationship could not happen, why did you think it would be a good idea to tell him that you'd fallen for him? Thing is, even the best of friendships won't survive a bomb of unrequited love. Do you have other friends who can fill the gap? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciscad Posted January 4, 2022 Author Share Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 8 minutes ago, basil67 said: I haven't been in the military, so I can't begin to understand when you speak of the level of love which isn't an actual relationship. But from the way you describe 'falling for him' it does sound like regular romantic love and this is how he interpreted it. As you knew that a relationship could not happen, why did you think it would be a good idea to tell him that you'd fallen for him? Thing is, even the best of friendships won't survive a bomb of unrequited love. Do you have other friends who can fill the gap? "falling for him" part is true, it was a regular romantic love but at the end of it all, i didn't value it as much as the friend part. And yes, i told him this when i shared my feelings for him. I wish i never did tell him, but i was over come with emotion and the "civilian" in me thought there was a chance he would be on the same page. I have distanced myself from the rest of my friends because we are all in the same friend circle. I think i just have no choice but to suck this all in for the next 2 weeks. Edited January 4, 2022 by ciscad Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 I'm so sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 Did she saw you as a guy who was "playing the friend card" and this lead to a huge argument with her about this? Link to post Share on other sites
AngryGromit Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, ciscad said: However, after time went by he started to distance himself from me in where having a conversation with him was getting harder and harder. I The biggest issue with falling for someone in the military, is unless you two get married, you have no control over where you end up getting stationed. If your graduating in three weeks, it's highly unlikely you two will end up at another base where you two can explore your relationship together. You did say you approached him two month ago, but I see the same issue, no where near enough time to get to know someone and marry before getting shipped out to who knows where. I think he's being cautious, doesn't want to fall head over heels for you, only to get stationed in Guam for three years and you Alaska. Now if you two were at the met and had a year or more tour at the same station, it be a different matter, you would have time to get to know each other, and if you got married before your tour was up, they don't break up married couples. Edited January 4, 2022 by AngryGromit Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 I've been in the military and around the military for over 10 years. Friendships come and go, trust me. I had friends in basic training that I never saw again once we moved on. I've had good friends at regular duty stations that I just lost contact with because they moved to different duty stations. I know you're looking to do something to fix everything right now but people just aren't something you can fix most of the time. Time heals all wounds, so the best thing you can do is leave it be and maybe your paths will cross later on after you've both had time to get over all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Did she saw you as a guy who was "playing the friend card" and this lead to a huge argument with her about this? The friend who didn't wan to remain a friend is a guy Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 (edited) I am sorry you had to go through this, but better now then 10 years later... But if you want the perspective of the other person, as I have been there where I had friends who confessed and then we had to end the friendship. I also do the shut off, isolate, and be cold and distant. I also mourn the friendship that was destroyed because the person had feelings and had to ruin what we have. so, yeah, it's the end, because in his mind, the longer you are in his life, the longer he'll drag you along with him, he is wasting your time and he'll feel guilty about it.. as you don't see him as just a friend, but a guy who you love and he doesn't feel the same way. He should be grateful, but he isn't. You just need to move on, no need to reconcile or anything. It's over. Edited January 5, 2022 by Noproblem Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 You already tried talking to him about this, and he didn't respond well. He told you that he just couldn't see you as a friend anymore. If you push the issue again and keep trying to talk to him, I highly doubt that he will respond positively. You will come off as pushy and just not leaving the guy alone. He already told you how he feels about it. You need to listen to what he has said, and drop it. When you tell a guy that you have feelings for him, this is the risk you take. He will either respond positively, or he won't return your feelings and it may make him uncomfortable and ruin the friendship. The latter has happened. That's life. You need to respect his boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
MeadowFlower Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 @ciscad This is sad, and it sucks. Being friends with guys, from my view is pointless. On 1/4/2022 at 2:20 PM, ciscad said: Should I try to reconcile/seek closure for this or no? Don't bother approaching him again. If you feel you absolutely have some last things to say then maybe you could write it in a short note to him. But then leave it. He doesn't care and doesn't want to be your friend, you don't need that sort of person in your life. Look after yourself, be good to yourself, and heal from this. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 (edited) Hey I am sorry this happened to you, sometimes doors have to close to open new ones.......there's nothing you really can do ....know in your heart that you were honest and true and even though you want the reconcile...its really his choice not yours......you have to respect his silence...... there's a time to mourn.. a time to be silent a time to speak....... the bible has some beautiful comforting words about that.....also the movie footloose ....yeah repeats that sentiment.....lol.....sorry got the footloose song running through my head..... Quote "For everything, there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to break down, and a time to build up, a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak." - King Solomon. 34. you need peace and freedom from bitterness, the words above have always helped me.. the bible is full of word treasures and life treasures....better than anything i could ever write to you....because the words were written especially for you for me....for anyone in pain knowing exactly what they need and feel..... ....mourning is what you need to do ......healing is what you need to do ...for you......maybe down the track he may contact you or he might not at all.......whatever....let go ... let go ....of bitterness or any negative thoughts you have towards him or yourself......and mourn for as long as your heart wants to...........find peace with how it ended ....a reason it had to end is actually there...... and remember you were honest......with how you felt better than being deceitful..........and live your life with good thoughts......i wish you peace and i send hugs......debxo Edited January 6, 2022 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
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