Have I lost my conscience?

[mycutepup2]

Happy new year to everyone.
I am not diagnosed with any mental illness but I am married to a man with very strong narcissistic traits. I have been emotionally abused for 20 years and I am about to get a divorce.
He and his step sister have been abusing me verbally and emotionally. I found that out when his email popped up on kids devices when they were playing games.
The duo keep gossiping about me, calling me names and accuse me things I don't do. I keep seeing emails which I delete without reading.
To my surprise, I DO NOT feel guilty deleting the emails. Have I lost conscience or what?

[Taramere]

11 hours ago, mycutepup2 said:

To my surprise, I DO NOT feel guilty deleting the emails. Have I lost conscience or what?

Happy new year to you too.

I just want to clarify a couple of things before giving any sort of response.  

1. The impression I get is that these are emails that the dynamic duo (him and his step sister) are sending each other.  Is that correct?

2. The emails in their entirety (as opposed to some "new email" notification) are popping up on your kids' devices.  The only reason I can think of for that happening is that he's using the kids' devices to access his emails and forgetting to log out.  Would that be correct?

3. If (2) is right, have you drawn his attention to the fact that these emails are popping up on the kids' devices?

4. Are the two of you still living in the same house?

 

 

 

[glows]

On 1/3/2022 at 1:30 PM, mycutepup2 said:

Happy new year to everyone.
I am not diagnosed with any mental illness but I am married to a man with very strong narcissistic traits. I have been emotionally abused for 20 years and I am about to get a divorce.
He and his step sister have been abusing me verbally and emotionally. I found that out when his email popped up on kids devices when they were playing games.
The duo keep gossiping about me, calling me names and accuse me things I don't do. I keep seeing emails which I delete without reading.
To my surprise, I DO NOT feel guilty deleting the emails. Have I lost conscience or what?

Happy new year. 

You may be numb. With abuse like that it’s not uncommon to be completely numb. How far along with the divorce are you? Are you separated? 

 

[mycutepup2]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Happy new year. 

You may be numb. With abuse like that it’s not uncommon to be completely numb. How far along with the divorce are you? Are you separated? 

 

My feelings are up and down. I have a therapy session today which I am very much looking forward to. The last 2 days I have been feeling sad and confused. I keep asking myself, would it have made a difference if I had loved him enough and absorbed everything he said/done?. Many many times, over the last 20 years I remember I would sit him down and turned my heart inside out so he could see how I was hurt by his words and actions, he changed for about 10 days and then back to his abusive behavior. Last December he was verbally abusive only 3 times, one of them was when we were with other people.

Finding out that his step sister is abusive and encourages him to be abusive is actually a blessing. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't divorce this man.

We are actively working towards a friendly divorce. We are meeting with trust attorneys to make sure that everything we own goes to the children. After asset settlement is done will file for a divorce. 

Believe it or not, he plans to follow me to my country and spend the rest of his life with me after the divorce and when I move back home. He said his step sister and niece that he loves more than anyone else in this world wouldn't bother visiting him in his old age. He said no one treats him better than my family (my siblings, parents, nieces and nephews)!!! I feel sad for him and the only way to reduce the sadness is to treat him kindly.

I am still puzzled by the dysfunctional bond that he has with his toxic family.

[glows]

19 minutes ago, mycutepup2 said:

My feelings are up and down. I have a therapy session today which I am very much looking forward to. The last 2 days I have been feeling sad and confused. I keep asking myself, would it have made a difference if I had loved him enough and absorbed everything he said/done?. Many many times, over the last 20 years I remember I would sit him down and turned my heart inside out so he could see how I was hurt by his words and actions, he changed for about 10 days and then back to his abusive behavior. Last December he was verbally abusive only 3 times, one of them was when we were with other people.

Finding out that his step sister is abusive and encourages him to be abusive is actually a blessing. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't divorce this man.

We are actively working towards a friendly divorce. We are meeting with trust attorneys to make sure that everything we own goes to the children. After asset settlement is done will file for a divorce. 

Believe it or not, he plans to follow me to my country and spend the rest of his life with me after the divorce and when I move back home. He said his step sister and niece that he loves more than anyone else in this world wouldn't bother visiting him in his old age. He said no one treats him better than my family (my siblings, parents, nieces and nephews)!!! I feel sad for him and the only way to reduce the sadness is to treat him kindly.

I am still puzzled by the dysfunctional bond that he has with his toxic family.

Once the divorce is finalized I'd encourage you to remain separated. Being kind does not mean letting go of your boundaries. Speak with your therapist about this and your concerns about his behaviour. 

That he is planning to follow you anywhere after the divorce or continue to associate himself closely with your family is disturbing. He may be all talk/no do but he might know by now that his comments are inappropriate. 

There is usually also a lot of denial in divorce and uncoupling. 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/3/2022 at 4:30 PM, mycutepup2 said:

. I have been emotionally abused for 20 years and I am about to get a divorce.

Sorry this is happening. Have you consulted an attorney? Get the best advice you can about your options in divorce.

Are your children minors? You'll have to discuss child support visitation and custody.

Do you co-own a lot of assets? Those will have to be divided and severed.

[stillafool]

I think you have been here multiple times about this problem with your husband and his sister.  Sorry you're still going throuh this but happy to hear you guys have at least started the process of divorce.  There is no good reason to let your abusive husband follow you into your new life after divorce.  You may end up meeting a better man, marry and have a good life.  Let your husband stay there with his precious sister and niece.