Casual Relationship Offer

[Calmandfocused]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Seems like a lot of potential pitfalls.  You don't particularly want to engage in a casual relationship.  This other guy is still hung up on his ex.  You want to impose stipulations that he only sleep with you, as if this is an exclusive relationship.  I see a lot of ways this can go off the rails.

The entire point of a FWB situation is to not spend so much time together to establish an attachment to one another.  So many think they can handle a FWB situation and they end up spending way too much time together and falling for the person.  It's just human nature.  You can't spend time with a FWB like you would a boyfriend.

I would insist on sexual exclusivity yes. Simply because the alternative to me is absolutely gross. These are my boundaries. I don’t sleep with multiple people so I’d expect the same respect. 
 

If he wants to sleep with others that’s fine but I wouldn’t be involved at that point. The same applies if I was to meet someone. 

[Calmandfocused]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Well really it doesn't matter what you "think" because with enough physical intimacy your heart will take over.  Your first encounter left you feeling discarded and used!  Now you think by putting up mental barriers and rules you can avoid the emotional toll.  It just doesn't work that way.  I think you're trying to talk yourself into a very bad situation and will leave yourself closed off to men who could be healthy for you.  

 

Thanks Weezy. I don’t want you to be right but I suspect that you are .

Another mental barrier that I now have is Knowledge which I didn’t have the first time round but like you say, that probably won’t be enough to avoid heartache. 

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I would insist on sexual exclusivity yes. Simply because the alternative to me is absolutely gross. These are my boundaries. I don’t sleep with multiple people so I’d expect the same respect. 

I think you're going to be hard pressed to find a casual relationship where the bolded is the case.

Edited January 3, 2022 by Alpaca

[AngryGromit]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

I think you're going to be hard pressed to find a casual relationship where the bolded is the case.

I agree you can't say it's casual relationship and demand sexual exclusivity. It might work in the short term, but I think problems are going to arise in the long run. 

Edited January 3, 2022 by AngryGromit

[todreaminblue]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I understand what you’re saying Weezy and I’d be the first to agree with you, if this was a guy I really liked. 
 

However I’ll be honest and  say I don’t hold him in high regard particularly. His heartbreak has shown me personality traits that I don’t find attractive as a serious relationship prospect.
 

I don’t want to disrespect the man as he’s a nice guy. But the truth is he wouldn’t be for me even if his ex didn’t exist. 

 

Not holding someone in high regard, and writing he wouldn't be for you even if his ex didn't exist ........doesnt hold for any type of relationship casual or otherwise.

 

while you are spending time with him you are not allowing yourself to meet someone who is right for you who you do hold in high regard and the same goes for him too,  in my opinion you are both wasting time..

 

he is wasting time not healing and developing unhealthy attachments to a person who doesnt really care for him ......so damage is being done.........and you are blocking yourself from finding a truly satisfying relationship that meets your needs and desires other than having a temporary fix on the physical...its not what you really want is it...........i dont feel it is from what you have written......

 

i wish you well and hope that you let this guy go to heal and work on himself so he can be in a relationship that he needs...as can you

 

because he needs probably professional therapy along with that heavy medication...we are on earth for only a short time...... a blink and you'll miss it...dont waste time when you know its going to end....find the right guy...not the wrong one....leave your spare time what little you have by the sounds of it...meeting the right one for you.

 

know what you really want.....and need and seek out that guy he is actually out there somewhere waiting for you probably...... good luck.........deb

Edited January 3, 2022 by todreaminblue

[Blind-Sided]

6 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I would insist on sexual exclusivity yes. Simply because the alternative to me is absolutely gross. These are my boundaries. I don’t sleep with multiple people so I’d expect the same respect. .......

That's kind of missing the point.  Casual is "Noncommitted", and hence... doesn't have to tell you anything about what he is doing. (or who)  The comment above is the epitome of "Eat your cake and have it too."  I'm not saying what YOU WANT is wrong... but it's wrong to expect it of someone else.   OK... personally... I don't want to be with a girl who is sleeping with other guys... but if I don't commit to the relationship, I have to assume she is.  (just the adult thing to understand) 

Also.... if I was in his position... and pining over my ex... and wanting sex... I may very well say whatever I think the girl needs to hear to get her into bed.  (just being honest) 

10 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

1) I have no interest in going on weekends away with this guy, nor would I be interested in socializing with him. It would be purely physical only.

2) There is also no way I’d close myself off to potential dating opportunities, however I absolutely loathe dating apps. So a plus for me would be that I could stay off dating apps for a while - whilst still being open to meeting men IRL. 

3) I don’t know exactly how I’ll feel until I’m in the situation, however my concern is not about me developing feelings for him (I’d already rejected him as not for me) it’s about how I’ll feel about myself afterwards. Will it lower my own self value and worth? That’s more what I’m worried about. 

Just broke it up to answer the numbers....

1) Sure... I think that's how most FWB things start.  But if you are offered a nice vacation, and you don't have any other prospects... things may change.  Getting away isn't "local" socializing. 

2) Just reading #2 I can see how you are trying to justify. I'm fine with not hitting the OLD... (I don't care for it either) and finding someone IRL.  but... if you are sexually satisfied... your drive to find someone WILL drop. I have seen this first hand.  You can say it won't... but it absolutely will. It's like any other human need/desire. Go to the store hungry... you buy more than you want.  Walk past the best restaurant in town, but just ate... you won't give it a second look.  If you have sexual desire... you will look for a partner.  If you are fully satisfied... you won't be on the "Prowl", and will only find someone when they fall into your lap. 

3) well... that's a real issue, and unfortunately, you won't know how you will feel until you take that plunge. 

Anyway... like I said... I'm not opposed to ONS (or a weekend)... but the FWB isn't conducive to what your actual goal is.   In my very honest opinion... don't look at him for a long term FWB.  Just have fun, and end it.  You will get some release, you don't have to worry about telling him he needs to be exclusive without a commitment, and you are less likely to mess up future dating.

I wish you nothing but happiness in moving forward.  

[salparadise]

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

But you’re right.. I had sex with him the first time on the assumption we were building a connection, that’s probably part of what made it so good. I don’t know if it will be as good knowing that we’re just using each other as a piece of meat. 

Ah, don't overthink it, and don't let the prevailing puritanism convince you that something is terribly wrong with getting needs met and having some old fashioned fun... while the gettin' is good. Relax, let go, enjoy life.

Edited January 4, 2022 by salparadise

[jdesey]

The words casual and relationship really don’t belong in the same sentence. Either your sex buddies or you’re in a relationship. It’s not simple

[jdesey]

Casual and relationship do not belong in the same sentence together. Either you are sex buddies for a hook up or you are in a relationship

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

but... if you are sexually satisfied... your drive to find someone WILL drop. I have seen this first hand.  You can say it won't... but it absolutely will. It's like any other human need/desire. Go to the store hungry... you buy more than you want.  Walk past the best restaurant in town, but just ate... you won't give it a second look.  If you have sexual desire... you will look for a partner.  If you are fully satisfied... you won't be on the "Prowl", and will only find someone when they fall into your lap...

Not disputing what you've seen Blind-Sided, but I am going to disagree based on what I've seen. 

Why?  Because we are talking about two different sets of needs and desires -- (1) feeling sexually satisfied and (2) feeling emotionally satisfied.

There are plenty of people (men mostly but some women too) who are able to be quite sexually active with others OR have an FWB or two while still remaining open to meeting that special someone with whom they feel an emotional connection as well as sexual.

My sense from Calm is that this man satisfied her sexually but NOT emotionally.

If she chooses to go forward with this arrangement, she would still be 'hungry' for that emotional connection, still on the "prowl' for that.  

Men are able to separate the two and if Calm believes she can too, then she should go for it imo. 

Good luck Calm, keep us posted!  

Edited January 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not disputing what you've seen Blind-Sided, but I am going to disagree based on what I've seen. 

Why?  Because we are talking about two different sets of needs and desires -- (1) feeling sexually satisfied and (2) feeling emotionally satisfied.

There are plenty of people (men mostly but some women too) who are able to be quite sexually active with others OR have an FWB or two while still remaining open to meeting that special someone with whom they feel an emotional connection as well as sexual.

My sense from Calm is that this man satisfied her sexually but NOT emotionally.

She is still 'hungry' for that emotional connection, still on the "prowl' for that.  

Men are able to separate the two and if Calm believes she can too, then she should go for it imo. 

Good luck Calm, keep us posted!  

This is exactly right.  I had an FWB for a few months who was wild in the sack but emotionally did nothing for me.  I was looking for someone with whom to start a relationship with whilst getting my physical needs met at the same time.

What I will say is that in my experience, and from anecdotally what I've heard from buddies, is that invariably someone (and that someone is usually the female) starts to develop feelings, which then usually brings the house of cards crashing down.

With my FWB, we'd both agreed to keep it strictly non-committal, but I felt from the start that she would probably try to escalate things over time.  My inklings became more apparent over time and I essentially cut her loose before it became too complicated.

@Calmandfocused my advice is to go with your gut and do what you think is right. 

However, I don't think you should expect a guy in this sort of arrangement to never have sex with another woman.  I certainly wouldn't trust him to just be okay with it, despite what he says.  You're looking for relationship-level commitment without the commitment.  I don't think that's reasonable or practical.

Look, I totally understanding why you would be trying to make such an arrangement.  For mine, though, it's a little bit fanciful.  Like throwing a ball with a dog by your side and telling it to not fetch; it may be obedient most of the time, but there's never a guarantee that it will forever just sit.  That doggo wants that ball bad, and eventually will go after it!

[spiderowl]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

This is what I'm talking about and the above statement is more than likely why he said this to you.

It seems to me this FWB could suit you well for a short time. Long term, no. This guy is not only in love with his ex, he does not have the emotional intelligence not to bring her up just after having sex with you! While the sex might be fun, expect him to continue to be inadvertently but stupidly hurtful if you decide to go ahead with this.

[Blind-Sided]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Not disputing what you've seen Blind-Sided, but I am going to disagree based on what I've seen. 

.......

There are plenty of people (men mostly but some women too) who are able to be quite sexually active with others OR have an FWB or two while still remaining open to meeting that special someone with whom they feel an emotional connection as well as sexual.

Absolutely it can be done.  But, it's more likely to not work out in one way or another.   And since our OP is worried about how she will feel about herself after... that is a major consideration. 

I hope she can get what she needs, and hot have issues with it later on. 

[Calmandfocused]

17 hours ago, AngryGromit said:

I agree you can't say it's casual relationship and demand sexual exclusivity. It might work in the short term, but I think problems are going to arise in the long run. 

I get what your saying in terms of the sexual exclusivity thing but sexual exclusivity doesn’t mean “committed relationship” in my book. It just means being safe, both from a STD and covid  perspective. 
 

I also appreciate that there are different ages/ cultures at play here. Sleeping around was not the done thing where I’m from, and if you did there was quite a bit of stigma attached. I’m not saying that’s right, it’s just how it is. 
 

Anyhow, even if I hadn’t applied the sexual exclusivity rule, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do it anyway. Obviously I can’t guarantee it, but I think it’ll be highly unlikely.
 

He’s not like a kid in a sweet shop, enjoying all there is on offer on the dating apps.  He’s a man at the depths of despair!  He was getting women’s numbers and then not following through. The aim was to get as many matches and convos for validation purposes but nothing more (according to him). 
 

You may ask why he met up with me and not other women. I’ve asked him this. He says it’s because he felt a “connection” with me over messaging but personally I think that’s a load of tosh. He met up with me because he was interested in my profession. No other reason. 

[Calmandfocused]

37 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Absolutely it can be done.  But, it's more likely to not work out in one way or another.   And since our OP is worried about how she will feel about herself after... that is a major consideration. 

I hope she can get what she needs, and hot have issues with it later on. 

Thanks for your concern Blind. 
 

Yes you’re right. Whilst I know that this set up is no good for him (and he’ll probably end up feeling worse) he is making his choice to pursue me. His choice, his decision. 
 

On the other hand my job is to take care of me and make decisions that are right for me. The biggest fear I have is that I will end up feeling rubbish about myself. 
 

Following an extensive history of abusive relationships I’ve worked very hard to re- build my confidence, self esteem, self value and self worth. I don’t want anything to threaten the progress I’ve made. 
 

He may be suffering but I don’t want to be brought down with him. 
 

[Calmandfocused]

7 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It seems to me this FWB could suit you well for a short time. Long term, no. This guy is not only in love with his ex, he does not have the emotional intelligence not to bring her up just after having sex with you! While the sex might be fun, expect him to continue to be inadvertently but stupidly hurtful if you decide to go ahead with this.

Yes it’s certainly crossed my mind that he is that entrenched in his heartbreak that he won’t be able to help himself, and he will talk about her again, probably at some really inappropriate moment … 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

.He’s not like a kid in a sweet shop, enjoying all there is on offer on the dating apps.  He’s a man at the depths of despair!  He was getting women’s numbers and then not following through. The aim was to get as many matches and convos for validation purposes but nothing more (according to him). 

This sounds like a recipe for heartache. If you get feelings, he's still looking and will move on.

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

He may be suffering but I don’t want to be brought down with him. 

Then why are you putting yourself in this situation  that offers nothing but sex for you.  Will sex now be as good knowing it's her he's fantasizing about?

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

I get what your saying in terms of the sexual exclusivity thing but sexual exclusivity doesn’t mean “committed relationship” in my book. It just means being safe, both from a STD and covid  perspective. 

That was my experience.  There are guys as well as women who care about safety and for whatever reason for a period of time don't feel the need to be active with multiple women.  There is nothing unreasonable about expecting to be the only sexual partner.  You just have to discuss it and both be on the same page about that before you go ahead with it.

[Gaeta]

Even in a sexually exclusive relationship you are not protected 100% from std if you are not first both tested. This man or you, could be a silent carrier of a variety of std. And I would never believe a man telling me he only had sex with his ex....*rolling my eyes*. 

Personally at this point in my life I could not be bothered with a fwb. I have no desire for anything that is half hearted. Sex for sex rarely leaves us satisfied.

[dramafreezone]

23 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I would insist on sexual exclusivity yes. Simply because the alternative to me is absolutely gross. These are my boundaries. I don’t sleep with multiple people so I’d expect the same respect. 
 

If he wants to sleep with others that’s fine but I wouldn’t be involved at that point. The same applies if I was to meet someone. 

Sure I get all of that.  

It seems like you want a boyfriend type of relationship but only part time.  That's not exactly what FWB is.  What you're looking for will be extraordinarily hard to find.

Quote

There is nothing unreasonable about expecting to be the only sexual partner.

Well, reasonable *to her*.  In any type of relationship it matters what the guy determines is reasonable too, it's not just what she feels is reasonable.  If he thinks it's unresonable then it's unreasonable to him.

Edited January 4, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

I wouldn't jump into the water if I saw large fins like this everywhere.

[AngryGromit]

3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I get what your saying in terms of the sexual exclusivity thing but sexual exclusivity doesn’t mean “committed relationship” in my book. It just means being safe, both from a STD and covid  perspective. 

It might be right for you, but I don't think it's fair to him in my opinion. But in at the end of the day, you have to do what right for you.

[FMW]

38 minutes ago, AngryGromit said:

I don't think it's fair to him

He's free to say no thank you and find someone else who will have sex with him while he talks about his ex and also has sex with others.   

If they are honest with each other it's not unfair for either of them.  And each is free to end the arrangement at any time.  

@Calmandfocused i'm not making any recommendations on what you should or shouldn't do in this situation, follow your own instincts and judgment.  Not everyone's experiences and beliefs are the same, you have to figure out what works for you.  

[Calmandfocused]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

That was my experience.  There are guys as well as women who care about safety and for whatever reason for a period of time don't feel the need to be active with multiple women.  There is nothing unreasonable about expecting to be the only sexual partner.  You just have to discuss it and both be on the same page about that before you go ahead with it.

We have already discussed it and he agreed to it if we were to start having sex again.