Calmandfocused Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 Dear loveshackers. I wondered if I could have your thoughts/ input on the below please. I’m considering going for it but something is holding me back. Anyway here is the situation: I’ve been looking for a new relationship for about the past 6 months. I wasn’t meeting guys in real life so I decided to give the apps ago. What started off as optimism quickly became disappointment. I met loads of guys who I was simply just not interested in. The 2 I was interested in had just come out of relationships. Not good! Anyway I threw In the towel a few months back, came off the apps, and have been happy being single ever since . However, one of the 2 aforementioned guys has been persistent with me in terms of wanting to see me again. However i dismissed him after it became abundantly clear that he is still very much in love with his ex. He has not made any progress since the breakup, and he is heavily medicated in order to cope. His mental health has suffered big time. Subsequently it was a clear pass from me. Whilst he accepts that’s he’s not what I’m looking for in terms of a relationship, he’s offering me a “casual relationship” so both of our needs get met. A casual relationship is not particularly on my agenda, however once I got over the cheek/ audacity of this man, I started to see it slightly differently… The thing is I am a very busy woman. I have a very busy career, two young children and any other spare time I have is spent with friends/ family or I’m exercising. Admittedly I have very little spare time and it has occurred to me that a new partner may be dissatisfied with my lack of availability. Previous partners have complained that I’ve been too much into my work and children and honestly that has not changed. I also get my emotional needs met otherwise, however my physical needs are unmet. So in a nutshell, this “offer” may be a perfect solution to my dilemma but I’m aware that the risks are emotional attachment and getting hurt. What’s everyone’s view on this? Btw, I’ve made it crystal clear that if I do agree to this, he will have to agree to sleep with me and me only.
glows Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 He seems emotionally unstable and vulnerable so perhaps think about whether it’s possible to be attached to an individual like this. You won’t know of course until you’re in it or involved. I was involved with someone not all there, let’s say, and despite how good looking and great he was physically/sexually or how open he was emotionally (overly open/too quick) I could not fall in love or feel attracted on a deeper level. There was something stopping me from getting closer knowing he wasn’t able to give me what I needed in the longer term. In other words it just wasn’t a match. Having said all that, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this arrangement. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 He sounds like a headache you don't need. Just keep at it. Apparently, January and February are the busy season for dating apps so just keep browsing and perhaps new more suitable people will be signing up. 1
Blind-Sided Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 My advice is to not do it. OK... I'm not opposed to a ONS or anything... but so many people can't handle a casual relationship. Either you, or he will become attached, while the other won't. In turn, it will become either heartbreak, or frustration. AND... the hassle of trying to break up. The other side is... you will dilute yourself, and won't take the effort to actually want to date someone. I've seen it here with a few members, and I have 2 female friends who have fallen into this situation. They will make half @ss'ed efforts to "Date"... but there is always something wrong. In realty, it's them being too critical, or not wanting to put the effort it, and they prejudge the guy. It's all because they have fallen for the FWB guy on some level. They get sex with no strings... but then I hear all the time how lonely they are, and how they can't find anyone. Over the years, I kind of stopped giving advice because they won't change. The one girl is now 42 and never been married. I've told her to focus on herself, and on a potential partner. But then I will hear from one of our common friends that she will be gone for the weekend with her FWB. TO sum it up... you will dilute yourself, and not be happy in the end. My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. 5 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 He does not sound like a good candidate for anything casual either though, OP. He's too emotional and not in a good place. I would take a hard pass. 1 1
Author Calmandfocused Posted January 3, 2022 Author Posted January 3, 2022 1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said: My advice is to not do it. OK... I'm not opposed to a ONS or anything... but so many people can't handle a casual relationship. Either you, or he will become attached, while the other won't. In turn, it will become either heartbreak, or frustration. AND... the hassle of trying to break up. The other side is... you will dilute yourself, and won't take the effort to actually want to date someone. I've seen it here with a few members, and I have 2 female friends who have fallen into this situation. They will make half @ss'ed efforts to "Date"... but there is always something wrong. In realty, it's them being too critical, or not wanting to put the effort it, and they prejudge the guy. It's all because they have fallen for the FWB guy on some level. They get sex with no strings... but then I hear all the time how lonely they are, and how they can't find anyone. Over the years, I kind of stopped giving advice because they won't change. The one girl is now 42 and never been married. I've told her to focus on herself, and on a potential partner. But then I will hear from one of our common friends that she will be gone for the weekend with her FWB. TO sum it up... you will dilute yourself, and not be happy in the end. My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. You make some very valid points, some which I hadn’t thought of. I have no interest in going on weekends away with this guy, nor would I be interested in socialising with him. It would be purely physical only. There is also no way I’d close myself off to potential dating opportunities, however I absolutely loathe dating apps. So a plus for me would be that I could stay off dating apps for a while - whilst still being open to meeting men IRL. I don’t know exactly how I’ll feel until I’m in the situation, however my concern is not about me developing feelings for him (I’d already rejected him as not for me) it’s about how I’ll feel about myself afterwards. Will it lower my own self value and worth? That’s more what I’m worried about. Also my concern is that he is very needy and emotionally unstable. I don’t believe that he will fall for me, my concern is that he will become emotionally dependant on me and my validation, and quite frankly; I don’t want that responsibility. Seems like most are swaying to the “don’t do it” conclusion …..
stillafool Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 Not good, He's still in love with and emotional over another woman so sex with you will probably make him feel empty. He may not want to do it again after the first time which will make you feel rejected.
petee Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 Go for it. You are not relationship oriented just now, but like every man/ woman you have a physical need. A couple of late nights in a month won't hurt anybody, and whilst this really does seem a FWB relationship waiting to build it is also test and see type of affair. If you do nothing, get maintain the status quo you clearly don't want. One date as a tester, you know it makes sense!
Happy Lemming Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Admittedly I have very little spare time and it has occurred to me that a new partner may be dissatisfied with my lack of availability. Previous partners have complained that I’ve been too much into my work and children and honestly that has not changed. I also get my emotional needs met otherwise, however my physical needs are unmet. I was in one FWB relationship with a woman that was running her own business. She had no time for traditional dating. The more time she put into her fledgling business, the more she saw it succeeding and starting to grow. I met her physical needs to be touched and she took care of my needs to have sex. She set the rules for the FWB, which I agreed to... no spending the night, don't call her, she'll call me and things like that. We got together, once or twice a week (usually in the late evening). We each got off and I went home. We did agree that if either one of us starting dating someone else & had sex with that person, we'd discontinue our FWB. This arrangement benefited me, as I was working on a house (at night) I was trying to flip and wanted to put my time and money into it... not into dating or trying to start a relationship.
FMW Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 Just prior to my current relationship I had a one year FWB relationship with someone that I had been actual friends with for a few years. It worked out for us because we were very honest and clear with each other about what it was and neither were ready for a "real" relationship at that time. We also agreed not to have other sexual partners. The possible problems I see with it though are (1) one or both of you developing feelings for the other even though neither of you see the relationship going anywhere. Sex with the same person over a period time can result in inconvenient feelings like attachment and jealousy; and (2) having your sexual needs met by someone most likely will make you less open and aware of other possible connections that could be more meaningful. To be successful, it has to be approached with honesty and emotional detachment. I would guess most people aren't able to pull that off. 2
Weezy1973 Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: I also get my emotional needs met otherwise, however my physical needs are unmet. That’s why people masturbate. Simple yet effective. 2
AngryGromit Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Btw, I’ve made it crystal clear that if I do agree to this, he will have to agree to sleep with me and me only. Why? For unprotected sex? Limiting him to just you, it's not a casual sex / friends with benefits thing, it's a relationship. I say use protection and have it a relationships of convenience. I also would not refer to the arrangement as sleeping together, you get together for sex, and part ways, sleeping together make it sounds like more than it really is or should be. Edited January 3, 2022 by AngryGromit
Author Calmandfocused Posted January 3, 2022 Author Posted January 3, 2022 2 hours ago, stillafool said: Not good, He's still in love with and emotional over another woman so sex with you will probably make him feel empty. He may not want to do it again after the first time which will make you feel rejected. Sorry I should have said this in my opening post … We have had sex. After I saw him a couple of times he came over, stopped the night and we did it all night. It was very very good! However just as he was about to leave we did it again. As I was getting dressed he then asked me if I thought his ex would contact him. He also told me at this point how much he still loved her. Ive never been so humiliated in my life! It wiped the fun of the last 24 hours clean out for me. I told him that same evening I wouldn’t be seeing him again. In addition to my rule about not sleeping with anyone else I’ve also said if I’m going to do this please respect me enough not to use me as a relationship therapist, especially just after the point of sex. However despite this issue blighting my memory of the experience, I can’t deny that the sex wasn’t amazing. It was out of this world! You can see the pull here? 1
stillafool Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 2 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: You can see the pull here? Yes but wasn't it a quick let down when right after he starts asking you if you think his ex will contact him? That almost says he was thinking about her during sex with you, no wonder you were upset, I would be too. Okay go ahead and have sex with him but you'd better hope you don't end up falling for him or you will come out of this butt hurt. He's head over heels for his ex and ain't getting over her anytime soon. 2
Happy Lemming Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 3 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: I can’t deny that the sex wasn’t amazing. It was out of this world! You are an adult... You are allowed to have FUN!! Sometimes we have sex today because we like and enjoy it. And you don't always have to worry about tomorrow. 1
stillafool Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 6 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: He's still in love with and emotional over another woman so sex with you will probably make him feel empty. 7 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: As I was getting dressed he then asked me if I thought his ex would contact him. He also told me at this point how much he still loved her. This is what I'm talking about and the above statement is more than likely why he said this to you.
AngryGromit Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 6 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: I can’t deny that the sex wasn’t amazing. It was out of this world! Then just add to the relationship rules no conversation outside screaming, "Give it to me harder". Don't ask him about how his day is, or any another other personal questions. Instruct him to do the same. You two are there for one thing, FUN.
Weezy1973 Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 8 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: However despite this issue blighting my memory of the experience, I can’t deny that the sex wasn’t amazing. It was out of this world! You can see the pull here? It was out of this world when there was a possibility he would be someone special to form a relationship with and he may have had feelings for you. Now that those are off the table, will it still be out of this world?
Author Calmandfocused Posted January 3, 2022 Author Posted January 3, 2022 Just now, stillafool said: Yes but wasn't it a quick let down when right after he starts asking you if you think his ex will contact him? That almost says he was thinking about her during sex with you, no wonder you were upset, I would be too. Okay go ahead and have sex with him but you'd better hope you don't end up falling for him or you will come out of this butt hurt. He's head over heels for his ex and ain't getting over her anytime soon. Yes, you’re right. Although I got over it very quickly, on that particular day I felt awful … used and degraded would be the best way to describe it. I did have an inkling that he wasn’t fully emotionally recovered from his relationship prior to us having sex. However, after sex I obviously became very aware of the extent of the issue - much worse that I could have possibly imagined. However I suppose one could argue that I’d have my eyes wide open if I was to go there again.
Author Calmandfocused Posted January 3, 2022 Author Posted January 3, 2022 2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: It was out of this world when there was a possibility he would be someone special to form a relationship with and he may have had feelings for you. Now that those are off the table, will it still be out of this world? Excellent point Weezy! I didn’t think of that. But you’re right.. I had sex with him the first time on the assumption we were building a connection, that’s probably part of what made it so good. I don’t know if it will be as good knowing that we’re just using each other as a piece of meat. Casual relationships haven’t been my bag so I don’t know how satisfying it will be for me if the “intention” is different. 1
Allupinnit Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 You're going to end up falling for him if the sex is that good. Even if you don't want to. Even if you put up all of these rules and stipulations around the "arrangement" at the end of the day you are human and we weren't designed to use one another in that way without someone getting hurt.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 19 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: just as he was about to leave we did it again. As I was getting dressed he then asked me if I thought his ex would contact him. He also told me at this point how much he still loved her. Ive never been so humiliated in my life! It wiped the fun of the last 24 hours clean out for me. This is how you know that a casual arrangement with this man is a terrible idea. He isn't even thinking of you during the act. He's thinking about her and probably wishing you were her. This isn't going to be much fun for you, I promise. 2
dramafreezone Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 (edited) Seems like a lot of potential pitfalls. You don't particularly want to engage in a casual relationship. This other guy is still hung up on his ex. You want to impose stipulations that he only sleep with you, as if this is an exclusive relationship. I see a lot of ways this can go off the rails. The entire point of a FWB situation is to not spend so much time together to establish an attachment to one another. So many think they can handle a FWB situation and they end up spending way too much time together and falling for the person. It's just human nature. You can't spend time with a FWB like you would a boyfriend. Edited January 3, 2022 by dramafreezone
Author Calmandfocused Posted January 3, 2022 Author Posted January 3, 2022 1 minute ago, Allupinnit said: You're going to end up falling for him if the sex is that good. Even if you don't want to. Even if you put up all of these rules and stipulations around the "arrangement" at the end of the day you are human and we weren't designed to use one another in that way without someone getting hurt. I understand what you’re saying Weezy and I’d be the first to agree with you, if this was a guy I really liked. However I’ll be honest and say I don’t hold him in high regard particularly. His heartbreak has shown me personality traits that I don’t find attractive as a serious relationship prospect. I don’t want to disrespect the man as he’s a nice guy. But the truth is he wouldn’t be for me even if his ex didn’t exist.
Allupinnit Posted January 3, 2022 Posted January 3, 2022 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: I understand what you’re saying Weezy and I’d be the first to agree with you, if this was a guy I really liked. However I’ll be honest and say I don’t hold him in high regard particularly. His heartbreak has shown me personality traits that I don’t find attractive as a serious relationship prospect. I don’t want to disrespect the man as he’s a nice guy. But the truth is he wouldn’t be for me even if his ex didn’t exist. Well really it doesn't matter what you "think" because with enough physical intimacy your heart will take over. Your first encounter left you feeling discarded and used! Now you think by putting up mental barriers and rules you can avoid the emotional toll. It just doesn't work that way. I think you're trying to talk yourself into a very bad situation and will leave yourself closed off to men who could be healthy for you. Edited January 3, 2022 by Allupinnit
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