jc Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Okay, I'm on day 5 of NC and I just hope it gets easier from here on out! I get the urge to call C usually at least once a day, and it so strong that I almost pick up the phone and dial...BUT I haven't yet, so yay for me! My Grandpa has been sick for a while now with bone cancer and yesterday we found out that he probably has 2 days to 2 weeks left. I'm very sad about this. I know that he's lived a good life, but I still don't want him to die. And watching him die at the end has been very painful to everyone in my family. Of course, because I feel so sad about this, and conflicted, I want to call C and get comfort from him. But I know I can't because it will just reopen everything again and I don't think that I can take that as well as my Grandpa dying. It's funny because C wasn't really there for me 2 months ago when I was taking care of my Grandpa (my family is doing weekly shifts)...he went to Seattle with his friends for a week to party and he didn't even call me once, even though he knew what a hard time I was having with watching my Grandpa die. When I confronted him about it, he said that he didn't really have a reason for not calling, he just hadn't and he messed up but he couldn't go back and change the past. I didn't accept this excuse then and I don't now... But that doesn't stop me from wanting to call him so that he can comfort me a little bit. I just hope that I can stay strong over the next few weeks and continue the process of letting go of him, our relationship and our future.
westernxer Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 When I confronted him about it, he said that he didn't really have a reason for not calling, he just hadn't and he messed up but he couldn't go back and change the past. I didn't accept this excuse then and I don't now... Doesn't sound like he was making excuses, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
JohnJohn Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 You can really tell alot about a person when you are in a time of need. He wasn't there for you. He had other priorities. Move on and find someone that will be there for you. Hang in there with the NC. I am at day 60 and it does get easier. Take one day at a time.
Author jc Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 Doesn't sound like he was making excuses, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm not sure what you mean by "you gotta do what you gotta do"... Whether or not "I just didn't call" qualifies as an excuse or not, it is still a cope-out. Rather than just telling me, look I was having fun with my friends and the thought of you and how upset you might be about your grandpa didn't even cross my mind, sorry, I should have called, his attitude was essentially, I don't even know why you're so upset about this, what's wrong with going drinking with my friends for a week and not calling? When someone really loves you, they should care if you are going through a hard time, especially when a family member is dying. I would hope someone who loves you would care enough to call just because. "I just didn't" isn't even an explanation, it is a statement of what he didn't do: call
Author jc Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 and a quick question to JohnJohn, since you're far ahead of me at day 60, maybe you can give me some advice....do you still want to call your ex? or has that desire eventually faded? also, do you miss the ex as much as you used to, or are you happier that it's all over now? Right now I'm so angry at C, but I still think about all the good times we've had and I still feel like I don't want to go through life without him. I'm hoping with time comes perspective, and hopefully, the belief that C isn't "the one", he was just a stopover on the way to better things:)
westernxer Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 When someone really loves you, they should care if you are going through a hard time, especially when a family member is dying. I would hope someone who loves you would care enough to call just because. I agree. That's the bottom line.
JohnJohn Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 and a quick question to JohnJohn, since you're far ahead of me at day 60, maybe you can give me some advice....do you still want to call your ex? or has that desire eventually faded? also, do you miss the ex as much as you used to, or are you happier that it's all over now? Yes with time comes perspective. It just takes time and no one wants to wait but be have to to heal properly. Yes I still have urges to call the ex but I refrain. The desire is fading over time. I still have a bad day every now and then but the bad days are decreasing and the good increasing. If you have a bad day after several good, don't panic as this is normal. It's not an "even" process to heal. You will have your ups and downs so don't despair. Concentrate on yourself and take one day at a time. I'm amazed at how fast 60 days has gone. Also realize that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
wahaha1 Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 you cannot beg somebody who doesn't care about you to give you care...
J dub Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 Firstly, NC DOES get easier the longer you hang on. Its liberating and when you look back and think - wow, I was strong enough to make it this long, lets see how much more I can do! It becomes very rewarding. Oddly enough, it never backfires either. Second, you can only control your own thoughts/emotions/feelings. No matter what you say or do, its not going to sway another's perspective until they WANT to - so better to allow them to come to their own conclusions on their own (ie your ex coming back or not) because if they do, you can say to yourself -- gee, I had no part in him making this decision, he just loves me that much!!! Or, if he doesnt come back, which he may not, you can think - guess he didnt love me as much as I thought/deserve, time to find someone who WILL.
Author jc Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 I don't even think that I want him back now, at least not the person that he has become. Even though I know this though, I still don't want to let go, because maybe he'll realize what he's done, maybe he'll miss me, maybe maybe maybe. I had the most beautiful dream last night. Me and C had a beautiful blond baby boy and C was holding the baby and he was so proud to be a father. A dream like that is hard to wake up to...it's even worse than dreams where C has a new gf or something. And I know that this is just a dream, but I think it's reflecting part of me that still has hope for us. I just want this hope to die though, because it's come to the point that it is unhealthy for me. That's how I'm getting through NC right now, day to day, I just keep reminding myself that I'd rather be happy and healthy without C in my life, than anxious and in torment with C in my life. Thanks for your comments everyone, I just need people to keep telling me to be strong and keep going with the NC.
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