Feeling so Empty and Lonely. in general. Can you relate?

January 2, 2022

I'm 31, and if you read my story in my first thread on these forums, you'll realize that I'm a good-looking guy with a kind heart who recently tried to put on a prolonged facade to give the appearance of wealth, which I did not have at the time, and social influence to try to impress a girl who would have liked me anyway if I had just been myself. She now hates me, without a doubt, and I've probably damaged her in some way even though we didn't actually meet up.

Consequently, I've been on OkCupid trying to find someone else, but I can't get any takers because of the competition and I need to get my veneers because it's been proved that teeth have a significant impact on dating chances because women care about them.

All I do is work around the clock at my two jobs, and I make great money, but knowing that I got those jobs with that one girl in mind and knowing how alone I am in the world has made me feel really empty inside. Even getting a girlfriend won't help because I'll be afraid that she'll leave at the slightest mishap, just like this girl didn't even give me a chance to meet up with her. My confidence has always been sky high, but now I'm feeling so lost. I'm even having trouble focusing at work because it's weighing on my mind.

I've never been a "woe is me" type, but I'm starting to feel bad because I have everything right minus the teeth and a girl who cares about me and would never do what that other girl did.

Edited January 2, 2022 by Heartbreat

January 2, 2022

5 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I'm 31, and if you read my story in my first thread on these forums, you'll realize that I'm a good-looking guy with a kind heart who recently tried to put on a prolonged facade to give the appearance of wealth, which I did not have at the time, and social influence to try to impress a girl who would have liked me anyway if I had just been myself. She now hates me, without a doubt, and I've probably damaged her in some way even though we didn't actually meet up.

Consequently, I've been on OkCupid trying to find someone else, but I can't get any takers because of the competition and I need to get my veneers because it's been proved that teeth have a significant impact on dating chances because women care about them.

All I do is work around the clock at my two jobs, and I make great money, but knowing that I got those jobs with that one girl in mind and knowing how alone I am in the world has made me feel really empty inside. Even getting a girlfriend won't help because I'll be afraid that she'll leave at the slightest mishap, just like this girl didn't even give me a chance to meet up with her. My confidence has always been sky high, but now I'm feeling so lost. I'm even having trouble focusing at work because it's weighing on my mind.

I've never been a "woe is me" type, but I'm starting to feel bad because I have everything right minus the teeth and a girl who cares about me and would never do what that other girl did.

I think first and foremost you need to work on improving your self-esteem. Trying to build a life with poor self-esteem is like trying to build a house with termite-damaged wood. Even a perfectly designed house is going to be on shaky ground since the foundation is so weak.

You're working jobs that you don't even like, that's the first part. What do you like to do? What's your passion? Start doing that every day, and make a plan to make a career out of it. Every day you can take small steps to be doing exactly what you want to do say in 3-4 years. Don't even worry about dating. This is about building a solid foundation and building a life that not only you feel proud of, but that friends and loved ones want to be a part of.

People are attracted to others for only a few reasons. We either see ourselves in someone else, we see something in others that we lack (and want to be close to). When you boil it down to these two factors, you can see why you're not getting the results that you want. You have to first be what you want to attract, and second you want to highlight your talents, whatever those may be. That's all you can do.

Lastly, no one wants to be the source of your happiness. That's far too much pressure for anyone to bear. The woman that is the object of your affection doesn't want to be on your pedestal. You have to already have happiness within yourself, that others can partake in. Hope all of that makes sense.

January 2, 2022

I screwed up so badly by putting her on such a high pedestal. And the sad thing is that I knew better than to do it from experience, but I still did it because I thought she was the type of girl who wanted to be made to feel special and like the most attractive girl in the world in someone's eyes because she's cute, but sporty, so she has a much less feminine physique than the really hot girls.

I consider my self-esteem to be great, but what has always frustrated me is that others don't see you the way you see yourself, even though you know you're confident in who you are, which leads to them influencing the girls you like through groupthink to think that you're weird instead of what you think of yourself.

January 2, 2022

Agree with drama free! I would add that you are looking at outcome-based endings to sort of prove your worth to yourself. Such as when you get the gf or the veneers or accumulating of money it adds self esteem. What you need to work on (as well) is finding ways to be happy with your life as it is now. If you can't be happy during the journey part, my guess is that you will still be unhappy with the accumulation of these exterior possessions. Like even having the perfect girlfriend won't really make you happy, it will just make you more worried that you are inadequate (or you will bounce back and forth between being on a high about it and being insecure about it and worried that you will lose her).

Also if you can be more happy, more yourself WHILE you strive for your goals and exterior things that make life better (or look better, easier etc), it will be easier to attract someone who wants to be on that journey with you AND believes you have the inner strength to get where you want to go. In a way, it's not really fun or hard to support someone who doesn't believe in themselves inherently--like if they have sort of fantastical dreams of how they will make life better or how it will all come together down the road when they have xyz but then in this current moment live in a very insecure, uncertain, unhappy place. You don't want to see them fail; it's hard to stand by when you can see that someone needs the self-esteem in order to make their dreams happen and then the gf might lose/probably would lose respect for you. It's the self-assurance that you like where you are in life and it's part of your greater plan to get where you want to go and that you are going to be fun and inspiring to be around along the way.

I think if you really had great self-esteem you wouldn't put her on such a high pedestal, you know? It's in a way treating her/a gf as a possession that acquisition of will convey a certain amount of value to yourself.

Edited January 2, 2022 by Versacehottie

January 2, 2022

59 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I consider my self-esteem to be great, but what has always frustrated me is that others don't see you the way you see yourself, even though you know you're confident in who you are, which leads to them influencing the girls you like through groupthink to think that you're weird instead of what you think of yourself.

Those two thoughts are not congruent though. Part of self-esteem is accepting that everyone won't like you and that's ok, because some people will. It's very tough for all of us to understand that but having that as a goal is a great start. None of us will ever get there but we'll get closer and closer as we reinforce that thought over time.

Attraction is taken care of by Mother Nature, you can't force attraction. It is either there at a minimum level or it is not. So the solace that you can take from this is that when someone *is* attracted to you, you don't have to try so hard to prove your value to them by flaunting or acting boastful, because they already value you. It's just a matter of allowing those feelings to grow over time by just being a enjoyable person to be around.

Also keep in mind that the reason putting anyone on a pedestal is doomed for failure is because most people have insecurities and doubts about themselves. Most everyone feels inadequate at times despite what we project and whether or not some would ever admit it. So if a person already doesn't feel that great about themselves, how can they be attracted to someone who is placing themselves below them? No one can fall in love with someone that they can't respect or look up to in some way. You must show strength, but it has to be true strength. True strength is demonstrated effortlessly and even unconsciously. Again that goes back to having a quality that others want to be close to. We all want to be close to strength, and strength can be manifested in literally millions of ways, it's just about what that potential mate feels strength is to them.

Edited January 2, 2022 by dramafreezone

January 2, 2022

You aren’t even ready to date again.

January 2, 2022

4 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

You aren’t even ready to date again.

Why not? I feel like the time is right. As soon as my heart heals up a little bit. It's so heavy right now. So much pain

January 2, 2022

Do you like what you do because you're good at it or because it's what gives you vitality, purpose? There's a difference. The latter is what you need, and if that's what you have then great. I don't get that impression though.

Your oral health is a huge insecurity for you I see. If it's an insecurity that you cannot get over, then no one else is going to be able to see past it either. Have you explored options for definitive treatment for your dental condition? It's not fair for it to be such a huge hang up for you on the one hand but be angry that it's a hang up for others. You have to accept yourself before others can accept/love you, and that goes back to self-esteem.

Lastly, you don't actually know what she's looking for. In any event her love life should be irrelevant to you, it's her life and she's free to do with it what she pleases. If she wants to just date casually and she has the ability to do so then there's nothing wrong with that, it's what she feels is best for her, you don't have a say in what's best for her. If she is a person of such ill repute in your mind why are you still so hung up on her? There's a lot of disharmony in your thoughts here.

Edited January 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

January 2, 2022

Before this woman, how was your dating life? You’re attractive and confident so I’m assuming you’ve always had lots of options. And you have a couple of jobs so I’m assuming you’re social with your colleagues too? And do you have a full rich social life too? All of those things should mitigate loneliness. Why don’t you think it’s working for you?

January 2, 2022

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Before this woman, how was your dating life? You’re attractive and confident so I’m assuming you’ve always had lots of options. And you have a couple of jobs so I’m assuming you’re social with your colleagues too? And do you have a full rich social life too? All of those things should mitigate loneliness. Why don’t you think it’s working for you?

I have no social life because all I do is work and then read novels in my spare time.

January 2, 2022

2 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I have no social life because all I do is work and then read novels in my spare time.

And how will you make time for dating?

January 2, 2022

That really limits your options. If you want things to change for you, you need to change yourself.

January 2, 2022

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

That really limits your options. If you want things to change for you, you need to change yourself.

Work less, go to more social events, you mean? Leave the money on the table to be more socially fulfilled and feel like I belong to some social group?

January 2, 2022

Just now, Heartbreat said:

Dating after work instead of reading

I'm still not over how badly I botched what could have been a beautiful thing

Why? From your own description you must have lots of options. Just move onto the next one. This one wasn’t meant to be. Meh. No big deal.

January 2, 2022

Feelings of loneliness and emptiness are pretty common in technological society. If you're feeling them I'd say you're quite normal.

Edited January 2, 2022 by endlessabyss

January 2, 2022

16 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

Work less, go to more social events, you mean? Leave the money on the table to be more socially fulfilled and feel like I belong to some social group?

And be not feeling unfulfilled/lonely out of love.....yes. But it's more than changes to your life, but changing your perspective, thought process, be more positive, less blaming, finger pointing, negative. read "the secret"

You seem snarky at my suggestions....when I know it can enhance your life immensely...just have to change you attitude, put in the right effort and stop with making illusions. Be more real, interact with people, learn social skills.

Edited January 2, 2022 by smackie9

January 2, 2022

51 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I really do feel that my teeth played a huge role because you can clearly see the decay in some of my snaps

Focus first and foremost on your physical and mental health. That means seeing your physician, getting a referral to a qualified therapist and most of all getting your dental health in order.

Rotting teeth are not good for your health so it's important to take better care of yourself. If you work two jobs do you have the money for the dental work you need? Do you have dental insurance?

Try not to overcompensate for poor self esteem by catfishing, ruminating about the 'one (you never had) who got away' so to speak.

A good therapist can help you in being more confident so you can be yourself and not resort to bragging, posturing and being a false image of yourself.

January 2, 2022

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Focus first and foremost on your physical and mental health. That means seeing your physician, getting a referral to a qualified therapist and most of all getting your dental health in order.

Rotting teeth are not good for your health so it's important to take better care of yourself. If you work two jobs do you have the money for the dental work you need? Do you have dental insurance?

Try not to overcompensate for poor self esteem by catfishing, ruminating about the 'one (you never had) who got away' so to speak.

A good therapist can help you in being more confident so you can be yourself and not resort to bragging, posturing and being a false image of yourself.

I'm trying to get porcelain veneers and I don't think any insurance will cover them, so I'll be paying out of pocket.

January 3, 2022

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

And be not feeling unfulfilled/lonely out of love.....yes. But it's more than changes to your life, but changing your perspective, thought process, be more positive, less blaming, finger pointing, negative. read "the secret"

You seem snarky at my suggestions....when I know it can enhance your life immensely...just have to change you attitude, put in the right effort and stop with making illusions. Be more real, interact with people, learn social skills.

My mind is kind of empty when I talk to most people. I can only start good conversations with people I've known for years. Otherwise I end up stammering and stalling just to come up with things to talk about and it's so forced and unnatural. Why is everybody on this forum basically against my views lol

January 3, 2022

People are trying to suggest that the solutions to your problem involve hard work and serious inner contemplation, and you keep shooting them down. Why not be open to what they have to say?

January 3, 2022

3 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

People are trying to suggest that the solutions to your problem involve hard work and serious inner contemplation, and you keep shooting them down. Why not be open to what they have to say?

Do you think I would benefit from meeting women at social events? I feel like online dating is clutch because then you know what you have in common before meeting and you get a sense for what the other person is probably like. Of course, the online doesn't always match the reality, but it's usually decently close. I fear that meeting someone at random in the real world without knowing anything about the girl has such a low chance of working out in the long run.

Edited January 3, 2022 by Heartbreat

January 3, 2022

19 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

Do you think I would benefit from meeting women at social events? I feel like online dating is clutch because then you know what you have in common before meeting and you get a sense for what the other person is probably like. Of course, the online doesn't always match the reality, but it's usually decently close. I fear that meeting someone at random in the real world without knowing anything about the girl has such a low chance of working out in the long run.

No, I don't. I don't think meeting women with the intent to date at all is the way to go right now. I think you need to spend some time finding yourself first, like really honestly finding yourself. Once you have a better grasp on who you are, you'll have a better idea of who you're looking for.

Yes, online dating is nice because you can filter out obvious dealbreakers, but there is no substitute for meeting someone in person and having chemistry (or not). I matched with tons of guys online and we had the best messages and most flirtatious connections and guess what? None of it translated to real life. When I met my husband, a colleague at the time, we just clicked instantly without knowing anything else about each other. Meeting someone online really doesn't improve your odds in any substantive way.

January 3, 2022

That's what life experience is about.....discovery. Discover, talk, interact, build rapport, experience, enjoy the interaction. This builds character within yourself.

January 3, 2022

It's rough out there, guy. I am not saying it isn't. I'm 47 and it's not any easier no matter how beautiful, wealthy, educated, etc. you may or may not be. I have a lot to offer such as you and no one sees it. I can't do it anymore. I've been mistreated so much that I don't know where to start, been broken up with and thrown over for trashy girls all the time. But... Just be okay with it.

January 3, 2022

17 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

It's rough out there, guy. I am not saying it isn't. I'm 47 and it's not any easier no matter how beautiful, wealthy, educated, etc. you may or may not be. I have a lot to offer such as you and no one sees it. I can't do it anymore. I've been mistreated so much that I don't know where to start, been broken up with and thrown over for trashy girls all the time. But... Just be okay with it.

It means a lot to me that you can relate. Thanks. My heart is still pretty heavy right now, but I know that I'm not supposed to talk about that anymore here, so I'll leave it be. But thanks for the sympathy in this time of tremendous desolation and grief for me. It shouldn't be that we have to make all the right moves for these things to work, it should just happen naturally.

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